silver linings...

in the midst of maze, look beyond the mist, and see every silver linings....

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over these past 2-3 weeks, at different time, the kids wrote. Each time, getting the notes/cards even today, it adds quiet joy.

Today, when the final math paper started, i was surprised to receive a card with sincere words of thanks from 7 teachers. And tokens from two of them. And some of us took breakfast together and had a good chat. I was gratified.

I am acutely aware of days catching up, and diminishing energy. I really want to pass on the craft of teaching. If I can but kindle 2 to 3 teachers who can pass on to other teachers, it would do more. than i can on my own......but where are the avenues? i dont want to do it through the 'academic" way, or via 'workshops'/'conferences'. I know the only way is to work amongst them, and set the example. Example is better than precepts. 

For whatever that had not gone right this year, at least in this respect, I was able to fulfil what i wanted. I dont know how it would be seen or received. I only know always to uphold the mantra 'Simple in virtue, Steadfast in Duty'  and to do my best for the kids each day.

Honestly, i totally didnt expect the show of comradeship today.  It warms the heart and made the departure pleasant...of a sense of having done the duty of the day...of the year.

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i know myself well, and know its necessary to keep myself 'occupied', so i arranged to see kyc whom i have not seen for a long time. honestly, i almost thought of calling it off, as the spiral creeps in. But she had text to say she was looking forward to it....

it was a lovely catchup, a chat we hadnt had for a long long time. whilst getting lunch to her place, when i parked my car at the carpark, it brought back memories of one of my chats with her at exactly the same place, some 4 years ago. It was a very low period then, and though she didnt understand the depth i was in then, the sweetness and kindness she showed, just by being a person who care, brought alot of warmth. And i remembered she text me thereafter. Her sweet messages i kept for many months to tide through the billows then.

Since she is a mother of one, we hadnt had much time to talk. And with two more to come soon, she will be having more than a handful to manage. It was good to meet up, and really in essence, the bond remains sweet. It is really such a pleasure to have such friendship.

Then as always, my faithful friend ld. So thankful he has finally seen the end of his masters. It has been a rough road for him. This has been another very lovely bond. Not one that I had expected it at the start, since I started out mentoring him to teach. i have noted that most young people who proclaim to want to learn, never last long in their frame of learning. I have also learnt to have no expectations. Those who want to learn, will learn.

But ld has shown himself to be very different, with an excellent spirt of learning, and most of all, his high sense of conscientiousness in his preparation, in teaching, in integrity, whatever the adversities.

I thought to myself, as I drove back, I had in jest  claimed to 'adopt' both kyc and ld some years ago, and we were known at one time as the 'family of mother and children'. Meeting both of them today brought back many happy moments. It has truly been a meaningful bond.

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kuech text me asking me some weeks ago when i will join her for walks again. I appreciate that. ....Have arranged for it tomorrow. I know she and cl are also concern that i should have some foothold....we are not close, but i know they care...

Every sincere touch of friendship from genuine hearts is warm....

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listening to a duet now. the rendering of an oldie by steven ma and albert au 沉默是金.....i like duets.... in songs, in music playing.....

Good duets allow each vocals to show their distinctness, yet not overshadowing the other...contrasting and harmonising through the melody.....you can almost feel the bond....true friendship is like doing a good duet....just like this piece...my favorite.

its strange, of all the languages, i like cantonese songs best Same with shows. I realised my childhood impacted me very deeply.... Cantonese is really a beautiful dialect, witty and intelligent, and depth in expressions. actually its really strange cos, i learnt cantones through the tv shows when i was a child. Its not my dialect at all. The speak mandarin campaign eradicated dialects, and few there be that know dialects now. I am glad to be able to retrace the language that i love....and quiet pieces by these 2 exceptional (to me) singers.

thus end 30 october 2012 

wordlessness

Had tried to write a few times. In many ways, there have been alot  of thoughts to pen, a continual flow of reflections....
 
Yet in some ways...wordlessness encapsulates all words...
 
In 12 hours time, a phase would have ended. the cost to me, is far more than any would know. And to this moment, i would still say the same...no regrets...when i see the kids...78 of them....worthwhile. .... every word of thanks, every note, letter at this moment mean alot to me....and is immense consolation.
 
Would it be a momentary impact, or a more lasting mark, no one will know.  in my ideal mind, i really wish, the effect would span a long long time...at least for one or two....

I only know i genuinely imparted a part of my life in these ten months.... the thoughts that went behind each preparation with seeing each kid in my mind.... no one will understand what i mean....unless he/she knows what it is to teach with the heart. One may teach a class...but each face, each individual, each child tells a story....

Teaching is an art. Just as one may watch a show, read a book, hear a song, view a work of art, one see it in ' wholeness', and rarely do one consider the process that bring each to the 'wholeness'. Behind every gesture acted, every word crafted, every note composed, played, sung, every stroke of the brush, to the truly feeling performer, writer, musician, artist a part of their lives went into it, understood only to themselves.

Teaching is an art. One stepped into a class, the faces in front of you, you forget who you are...art takes over..the content that is a part of you to be conveyed... hoping that it would kindle them to see the elegance of the knowledge; you see the unseen mind, heart, spirit to be nurtured, not in singular lessons, but crafting over the passage of time; , the imprint gradually takes a more definite shape....and you have to watch, wait, consider, craft....and sometimes, oftentimes, one do not get to see the effects.....but one continue to hope...

Teaching is an art....an art of the heart....who understand what i mean?

==============================
 
What lies ahead with the end of this phase is no crossroad ~ more like a wasteland stretching ahead.......... maybe not so endlessly.....in life's uncertain passage.

Unfulfilled aspirations are perhaps one of the hardest to bear....almost like unrequited love...and age does not mitigate it. In fact, it is far more poignant. 

There was a point in time in the past few years.......... i almost see the possibility in the horizon...considering the wastedness of most part of the strength of my days.......and it took me so long for me to have a depth of understanding of what lies within...at that time, i was really so grateful that at such a late stage of my life, a fulfilment in part may be possible....

It gave one some purpose, and i worked hard, very very hard,......... and really hope for some more certain fruition of the gift in oneself ....however little the gift, it was still a gift.....and one can sow for others to reap....

But thorns and biers obscured the path, and untold conflicts....finally, i chose to abandon the path....  
 
Few people can press on without motivation, much less without encouragement. some are motivated by fame, some worked for power, some for recognition, some for wealth, some just have the drive in their belief in themselves to find a place for themselves. Yet for others, their sense of self-survival reign supreme.
 
I lacked all the above motivations. And I am glad I dont have them. I have no finishing power also. Truly, a chain is as strong as its weakest link.

It is however, not easy to know a latent potential remain in an inchoate form. Time is no longer on my side. i looked at the wasteland ahead, and am wordless.

dont ask me what i will do next. its not what i do next that matters.......

it is what is within.... somehow its like back to a wilderness.....finding a path till the end of a journey.....

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wordlessness encapsulates all words.....

miscellaneous....and choices

since there was no lesson today, and most of the kids will be having exam on another subject, i decided to take the day off.

Its now quite hard to get into the mindset of the readings. although i have tried to keep that up, i realised to start writing seriously, i really need to immerse into it, and i am still unsettled with the kids exams still hovering. Time is running out, i know....hope somehow i can warm up to it...

havent seen alot of people for some time, and lunch was pre-arranged for catching up. Ironically, the person who arranged it couldnt turn up. It was good to see the others though, 5 of them, more than i had expected. It was nice to see all of them, but conversations were kept at surface level, cos not all are close buddies. And it always centre on education...

Lunch was at this new place called Star Vista? I was so proud of the fact that i actually got to a new mall (opened just a couple of weeks?). Buddy knew i am always 'left behind' in new things, so, he would always try to get me to 'somewhere new'. Yes, i really missed the company.

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Later in the day, it was good to catch up with Y. Though we had met a couple of times in education events, we had not caught up with conversation. Y was my student from my second school, nearly 20 years back, and now a teacher herself. I was surprised and glad she remembered the lessons in school, the debates, the discussions, the community projects that the class did, when there was no such thing as cip. What was introduced as new 'programs'  in her school, she did not see them as new as that was her experience in school. She realised now that alot of things that were in the lessons at her time were never in the 'O' level requirements.  She remarked that i had not changed after all these years.

I must say, that is a consolation. It was a very tough time when i taught her batch, which was actually my favourite batch of that school. I remembered the many, many trying times, with dad bed bound by stroke, and mum, on the verge of cracking up,  unable to take the strain any further. Maid's levy at that time was 300+, and my pay was very low. Mum didnt want me to bear that extra cost, but she couldnt take it either. And dad was also frustrated at home.

In the end, i had little choice...rather than sending him in and out of hospital to give mum some relief, I had to make the painful choice to put dad to the nursing home to give mum a break. I rarely cried, but that occasion I did, when I accompanied dad to the nursing home. It was heartbreaking to me. I couldnt believe that of all people, i should have to send dad to the nursing home....it just wasnt right....but i had no choice....

Mum was relieved, and in a way that was also what dad wanted. He somehow thought he may be better looked after. He wasnt... though I chose what was one of the best.  And It was exhorbitant, but mum didnt realised that.  I had to turn to sst to help with the cost. It was the first time that I had to open my mouth to ask for help. I had to tell her my bank account had reached nil. It literally reached 0. I had already worked for 9 years then. And yet, it was down to nil, with so many needs yet to meet.....and pressures from other quarters as well....sst was always kind to me.....

I dont how people can leave their folks at 'homes ' for long. It was really painful. I managed to persuade mum to get a maid and took dad back within 3 months.

Teaching then was my consolation. That was 1994 Nov. It was also the O levels at that time....I remembered that scene well... talking to Y, those days came to mind...

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I mentioned to her that was a difficult personal period. She was surprised and said she wouldnt have known at all. She asked how old I was then. I was younger than she is now.....I was really glad. At least, I upheld professionalism.

Y mentioned something quite striking. How professional is teaching? In some professional occupation, to reach a certain level of seniority, there is a need to clock a certain amount of experinece to attain to a level of expertise. And that has to be tested. Medical field in particular. For instance, in an area of specialisation, there must be a stipulated amount of cases for one to acquire the practical experience to reach an expertise level.

It is not unknown that this is not the case in many instances where education field is concerned here.

Whatever.
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In both conversation with my lunch buddies, and to Y, I guess what I am doing this year doesnt make much sense. Especially when there is minimal progress with the dissertation.  I am 'throwing away' my 'career' in teaching in stepping out from an established realm..... to a part-time/relief stint which is occupying me full-time.

But I said to them, and to her, when you received just one of those letters the kids wrote, it is priceless.....  Its really really worth it. 

If I was to make a choice again, I will still make the same choice

16 oct

officially the last teaching day. the remaining days are consultation sessions.

sigh. going to miss the kids lots. i realised i really really like classroom teaching. and i guess it is because it is reciprocated. as at this moment, this could possibly be my last classroom stint. well, at least, it has been very meaningful. although i really wasnt sure at a few points....

i am going to feel the withdrawal effect when it really finally ends end of the month. it has been a very intensive math-coaching time, so much so that it got into my dream, and 2 nites ago, i was scolding brownee in my dream that negative power is not a negative number and why she didnt get that right, and hoping tiger got that correct. i woke up hearing myself, giving the cats math instructions.

 ya, its nutty.  :(  o well.

i hope the kids keep in touch. i am really too sentimental, and really hate goodbyes....the consolation is the many positive memories with the kids...

Believing in the kids....

I read through the posts last year, and was glad i had kept record of thoughts and events, some of which i have forgotten. I actually thought some of the posts were rather good! :)

I told myself, I must keep up the habit, of capturing moments in words, so that i will remember them.....there are things i dont record. i firmly believe in the left hand not knowing what the right hand do. If i do put them down, then it is usually because of thoughts that go with it.
 
I arrived at school today (now yesterday) late morning, (I dont keep usual reporting time, since I am an ajunct staff), and was surprised that the form teacher of one of the class i teach passed me a note from one of the kids. It was a nice note, and rather unexpected. Gradually, over the day, I realised that as it was the 'graduation' day of the batch next week, the kids were given coloured papers which they are encouraged to drop notes of thanks to the teachers over the next few days.
 
a few more came in later... its always the thought that counts....and its appreciated....this time, most of the notes are from the guys. I thought it was unusual. Most chaps wont write. Among those who gave the small notes, were three chaps that are on my 'least favourite list', whom I have cross swords again and again. So, I was surprised. The girls have written very sweetly for Teachers' day.
 
These notes are the sustenance of a teacher. I took them out to read again, and I realised, there is a common thread, from the good students to those, well, not-so-good... and the thread is......... believing in them.

some of their words...

"...thank you for teaching me math although i keep making you angry.....thank you for being so patient...."
 
"thank you for teaching me math. I feel blessed to be your student. Although I am a bad student, but you believe in me..."
 
"thank you for being patient with me and tolerant with my attitude. With your guidance, I am able to see the path of light you were guiding me to. If it werent for you, I do not know what plight I will be."
 
"..i used to hate math and had a fear for maths......you are the most determined teacher that still believes that there is hope for us....."
 
"...you are the only teacher that I have met that believed in her students so much...."
 
".....thank you for not giving up on us....."

"thank you for being my inspiration"
 
".....you are the first teacher that i have met who teaches and encourages me not to give up...."
 
".......thank you for letting me see math in a new light......thank you for not giving up on me when I disappointed you really badly....."
 
"....even though I always said I wanted to give up, u did not give up on me and encourage me. Thats the reason why I want to make it through this journey..."

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Its both sad and touching.    I dont care for being 'nice'/'great'/'awesome' whatever these adjectives are supposed to mean. Its that they felt a sense of their worth that matters to me. 

Actually all the kids asked for......... is to believe in them....
 
Its easy to believe in well-behaved kids/diligent kids/ conscientious kids/ attentive kids.
 
Its not so easy when the positive qualities are not noticeably present.... to put it bluntly, conspicuously absent. And with  results quite far from being glittering..., its not easy. i am never sure which is the cause, which is the effect, even till now....
 
Its not so easy when it seems most times they are not helping themselves. And worse, at times, almost destructive to themselves and others...., its really not easy.
 
Teaching is about the kids. Not about the teacher teaching. Not about how hard teachers work, or what teachers do.
 
The focus is the kids, how to help them really learn...however negative things may be....

Its the kids, nurturing and developing their mind, and their persons.
 
The teacher, activities, content are the vehicles to do them. How to enforce discipline, how to manage the class, how to carry out the lessons, how to ensure learning is effected, how to impart values is where the craft of teaching comes in. It doesnt come overnight. And it doesnt assume willing learners.
 
To say, I had not wavered would be untrue. There was a time, i did give up in one short term teaching stint, despite having 15 years of teaching experience by then. I remembered that well. In that particular stint, i wasnt prepared. I didnt understand my learners. I expected them to be what i expected them to be. I failed. Where i failed, I did note, many teachers continued. And I learnt the issue was equally, actually more in me, than in the kids. Whatever their misdemeanour.
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Since then, I learnt. And I believe in all my kids, and know its important to convey that to them. They are still kids. Its at this formative stage that the most 'good' can be done, to deflect them from paths we dont wish them to tread. 

The kids must be the focus. We need to see in each of them, an individual, each with their own characteristic. I want them to see for themselves that they have that in themselves to be developed. And though they did not take themselves, lessons, and life seriously, one has to persevere to the end for the message somehow to get through. This does not come in the short term.
 
Actually things did caught me off guard in a few aspects. I didnt expect and didnt realise I had to work so hard this year.  But I knew I had to. If the kids dont see the improvement for themselves, they will not be able to believe in themselves. Everyone needs hope to believe. They didnt know the meaning of hard work. I had to show them. And they saw. Children learn what they see. Example is better than precept.
 
Did i expect to succeed? Actually no, I wasnt sure. I dare not have too much expectations. Actually, there have been quite a few moments that I despair.I only know I must do my duty to the end. If they did not respond, I have to evaluate myself, and my approach....and this i do daily.  
 
It helps to have experience. And above all, i know, charity never faileth.
==============================
 
There are 2 more weeks to the end. Whatever their results, these words have justified this year of my life.

Not that I think the results would not be forthcoming. I think if they can sustain their momentum and have confidence, for most, if not all, i hope they would and should see their best attainment in math. 
 
so, yes, it has been a long time since i felt this sense of encouragement for myself. I realised I do not have the energy to do another bout like this again. But its really worthwhile. For all the material 'losses', and I guess, the tinge of disappointment that I would probably not graduate next year unless i convert out of the dissertation path, i think its a small price to pay if these few months have helped built some confidence in the kids, and give them some hope and encouragement.
 
For those that teach, and would-be teachers, believe in your kids. Everyone, however unteachable they may seem, can be taught. It is labourous, and can be thankless. We cant give up, because if we do, they will. lt doesnt matter which system one teaches in. Ultimately, its us and the kids.
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i am thankful. Very tired. But very very thankful. Especially because...... I didnt expect it. I am comforted.

Charity never faileth.

updates of sorts....

had wanted to write on a few thread of thoughts that are more philosophical........but time is running out for my assignment...which i still hadnt wrote a word...still conjuring and weaving it in my mind....

and some not so good new just crashed in....of a young lady, who had not had life easy from young, now in her thirties suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 ca .... and set me on another mind's journey....

apart from the education 'complex scenario', the other issue that can bring me into a painful maze is the medical 'system' here....more than 2 years ago, when mum passed on, i had written, of doctors, i will write another time....and i didnt...because it was still too painful then....

I wont now, because i havent the time....and it still hurts....but i will someday...maybe writing it will help...
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this national day break has been helpful. I didnt write anything about the day itself...i guess, again alot of thoughts. But yes, I was relieved that lky is still in relative good health. It isnt that i have no issues, but things must be seen in perspectives. There is alot that we owe to his leadership. More than we realise.

Had another good interview on Friday. Beginning to enjoy interviewing people you dont know but who can share so much insights in their area of expertise, from different angles. Also took the opportunity to drop by cpf, and have settled some loose ends that had been weighing heavily on my mind. 'loose end' sounds 'loose', but actually it is a weighty matter that will see to things.... i dont take alot of things for granted....who knows what a day will bring....and its good that i have clarity of mind after months of ponderings....
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Had remedial on sat morning, and was pleasantly surprised that the optional open consultation session drew nearly 30 kids. Seeing them in the canteen working on for 3 hours was gratifying. Its the process that I want to see them grind through. Even just the discipline of getting out of bed, getting out of the house, and working on an area that is tough for them. And not because they have to. Because they want to. This process must be applied in life's journey...to take responsibility for ourselves...and work for it.....Hope they keep up the momentum.

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unwellness and discomfort are slowly easing. Hopefully the stress of the next ten weeks will be well managed. Am more conscious of a 'healthy' lifestyle....so more water, more greens, and hopefully more walks! ld walked nearly  1.5 hours with me yesterday. :) Good for both of us!

Hopefully, by the time i next update, i would have made some progress with the assignment. Actually all the ingredients are almost there....its just the brewing....and i need to get out of this stupor and get started....someone said to me, u are miss c, u can do it. sigh...i wish i am that certain.... but i am ms c.  i must do it!

Pause...

its ironic that one learns to pause, often because the body sent out warning signals...

actually, i have noted that i have been short-tempered over the past weeks.  The kids also noted the change...and i feel bad to be like that.... It not pushing myself that is the issue. Its having to push others...and for some, the force to break the inertia is immense....

A couple of days ago, one kid said in class, ms c, why are u so angry? That was when i had to pull my hand brake and come to a halt. As it is, i am using my reserve energy. And there are a few amber beeping signs healthwise. The kid who said that meant well. Actually she is one of those who  are on task, and also considerate. She actually got me some food, knowing there was no food in school on saturdays. Her words caused me to pause inwardly...

i have always made it a point to be positive and cheerful in class. This way, it helps to make learning pleasant. But that is assuming there is a spirit of learning. Not all is on the same page. But all must be on the same page. My motivation has never been outward pressure. In fact, i am quite certain, with the present form, the results from this batch would be better than the previous year, and target set would be met. But that is not the point to me.

I see every child as an individual. When someone say they dont understand, there can be a few reasons. i have to admit i am frustrated because i can understand why the few didnt understand. I would have like to do a lesson more pedgagogically suited to the learning needs of these few. But, i dont have the time. As it is, i have to re-teach practically every topic. But more frustrating than that, is that, they dont help themselves. Not even to take up a pen/pencil to copy.
And my patience is running out. Actually it has run out. Prelims is in two weeks time.

But i dont like to be like that. That is what i have resisted for a long time. I remembered many years ago, whenever i got so agitated with the kids, especially when the critical stage was coming up, and they were not ready, I would keep telling myself, its only maths. Dont get so worked up. This is not teaching. This is not learning.

Actually even when i scold the kids, i do listen to their words. And really wished i could do better. if i had the time. Part of the problem is myself. Probably alot of the problem is myself. I dont want to let any go, if i can help it, and i set a pace too fast even for myself. My physical energy could never keep up with the mental drive within.  And the tendency to focus on the imperfections....

I took a few steps backs, and do a review. Actually, more than 90% are making progress, and in fact for some, the progress has been very marked and stable. And most of them, have been receptive to advice. But the determination, organisation, and retention is lacking....There is less than a handful whose attitude is really repulsive, and i must ignore this handful. Thankfully, at this point, the negative influence is no longer pervasive. I should stop reacting, wishing for a change that they do not want nor even think they need.

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Listening is a skill that everyone should cultivate. Reading, seeing,hearing, listening are the receptiive aperture to the soul. One may hear. But not listen. We may react to what we hear. But not reflect upon what we heard.

Listening has an impact within. Listening needs to be cultivated. And the more you listen, the more you will hear and listen.

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And in any case, at this moment, i have no choice. i have to slow down. The pace has been too punishing, and the body system is protesting...its going to take time to get back the balance ..

yes, one must pause, take a deep breath, and slow down.... for the next few weeks....

 ....and the race will be on from sept again....but hopefully by then, we will be running at the same pace....

31 july

Havent been writing, not because there isnt any thing to write about. The constraint is the scarcity of time.

Having more or less cleared major 'debts' in work, am using this time to recapture as many thoughts as possible from the last week. Actually alot of events took place, some rather interesting....now, its where to start....
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yj's wedding

I am really not incline to attend wedding functions, and usually decline. Over the last three years, I had attended more than I ever did in twenty years! I think 5, and thats alot for me. First was M, my 2000 student. I went because she said it would mean alot to her. And she only invited two teachers. I was glad to see her happy. Then for sst and pl sake, to share their joy for their daughters.  It was my way of showing my appreciation for their friendship. kyc was the only exception where i had no hesitation, and it was for her, and for her alone.

So when dj rang a few weeks ago to invite me to attend yj, his sister's wedding, I hesitated. He was doing it on behalf of his family. I taught all 4 of them, plus another 2 cousins. yj was the third I taught as a tutee, the other 2 were in school. I finally went, because I did want to see dj, dw, and j, the last 3, whom I was closer to as I taught them from 13 to the end of their jc days. Their age range from 21 to 25.

And I was glad i went. I wished I had captured the thoughts of the evening that day itself. It was good seeing them, sharing about their lives. What I did not expect was, they also genuinely wished to see me. dj was not easy to handle, he and dw were both ri boys. Their family also welcomed  me warmly, and his mum said she was glad she finally got to see the ms c she always hear about. I didnt know that, it mattered to them, because i was apparently one of the few that dj would listen to. I disputed that, but dj himself said, its true.

Actually, seeing them reminded me of that phase of dark tunnel....especially at that time, i was not teaching, and was reclusive. So these were my little 'windows' to the outside world then and the little joy in that almost absolute bleakness. They didnt know of course. So, our lives crossed. Not many keep in touch regularly. But dj did in his funny way. He is now in uni in melbourne.

It was a lovely evening, and j was very sweet. She has always been a sweet girl, and a top notch ballet dancer. I can only say it was so gratifying seeing the young lady before me. And she text the next day, to ask to drop by to have a longer chat before she leave for Swtizerland, to start the next uni sem. Yes, my kids are all over the world.
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i taught yl in school, and she invited her class mates for the wedding. So unexpectedly, there was a group of poise ladies coming to greet me. They are 32 now. And it had been so long, since i left the school...so it was really nice to see them, 5 out of 6 married, with kids. 

Our recollection of school days however appeared different! hmmmmmm...teacher and students differing perspective? :)

Whatever. Those 2 years when i taught them 1995-1996 were not good years for me....then, my soul was in prison....

In 1995, I had a massive outbreak of acne, that my face was really quite hideous looking with the swellings, and that for months. I dont know how i went through those times. I  remembered telling myself that I have to carry on, and whatever I looked, I must push on. I never uttered a word to anyone of that inward anguish. I was stared at on the road, on buses; people whom i did not know would exclaimed loudly at public places and offered remedies...most of the time, i just shuttled between house and school. Note, i use the word house....which was rv. I remembered mum forcing me to go out with her, and saw for herself the looks i got. I knew both she and dad felt very bad for me. But they didnt know what the real issue was.

I knew, the outbreak was the effect of the turbulence i was trapped then, that seemed interminable...... so i appreciate the kids in the school in those years, who were polite to me, and never made me feel i was an outcast, though i felt like one leprous then....the scarring is still marked on my face, but i dont mind it....actually physical scarring is nothing compared to scars of the soul....

So whilst chatting with them of what is outward, inwardly the mind traced the path in those days.....those interminable 18 years.

And  there is a quiet  flow of joy, that i have walked out of that. And that truly, the Lord's mercies and goodness have preserved me. It reminded me also of the loss of 2 very dear friends...... But, I must walk on.

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Of Culture and ties

 It was the first buffet style dinner I had attend, and yes, the food is very good. Well, u expect it from Shang. I didnt get to eat as much because, well, I am not very good at getting food for myself, always was awkward in buffets, and because there were so many that dropped by for a chat. I had dreaded sitting alone, having to make small talk.with unknown company, but that didnt happen at all.

yj of course was a very happy bride. Petite and sweet natured, she was always inclined to art. The groom is a Scotland chinese, which made that evening particularly interesting. Yes, he and his friends wore the scottish kilts. He has a good sense of humour and is quite gaga over yj.

They flew over a couple of Scottish crooners, and yes they really sang well. The most interesting part was the ballroom dancing. First of all, the bride and groom waltzed, and then subsequently, guests were invited to take part in the scottish communicty dancing. It was quite fun to watch couples of all ages learning the scottish dancing and enjoying themselves.

It reminded me of folk-dancing in my school days. I liked them. Actually very much. We were taught to bow and curtsey, though usually, i took on the role of a boy, so I bow. During rainy days, and there was no PE, we would have folk-dancing. Community dancing was a social activity that helped to bond the communicty in olden times. There is a kind of bonding, that is so different from present day kind of fast, quick communication.

Then there was the lady who sat next to me at the table. When she saw me, she said, ij girl. And I said, yes, i am! yj went to chij, unlike yl. So there is that bond for having the same alma mater. The lady turned out to be my junior, which of course i didnt remember. In fact, i was amazed she could say that, since it must be more than 30 years. Well, it seemed I was one of those that had left some impact on juniors, though to me,  i was a nobody at school (and still a nobody.)

We quickly found many names that we both knew, and shared common traits, and common likes including folk dancing.  We love our motto, Simple in Virtue, Stedfast in Duty. A motto I hope I exemplify.

Actually, the culture of a school, a community is important in a child's life. That sense of communal responsibility is stronger and there is more caring\spirit. I have noted adults who came from schools with strong culture (thats different from herd identity), generally had more team spirit, and are more civic concious, and less officious. Its really different. School culture forms a part of upbringing. Some cultivate it through reading and in ccas with more community life, at uni, and even in the army. Those who remained 'culture-less' and focused only on their own 'rise' /existence/' significance', well.....they missed out of warmth and communality..... not something that one can described.....but it is priceless.

So, it was a memorable evening in many sense....and nice, because i had not expected it at all.....

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Miscellaneous

There are still alot more to record, like the interesting dinner with seah and tsl, both whom i knew at my 4th school. tsl is commendable for keeping in touch over the last 5 years, especially because he is a young chap, who can have more vibrant company. He will be a vp in august, and though, he is relatively young, i think he deserves it, and has shown consistency over the past years.

It was a good conversation, as we had missed one year of catching up, tsl being in hk. All centred on school and education.

=================
Work wise, it is a roller coaster....my anxiety will serve no purpose. On my part, i can only do my best in the preparation, but it is hard to build a strong base over so many years of neglect.....lets see....

The single good new for myself is, I finally submitted the necessary to hopefully start the research project. L has been very patient and supportive, and saw me 3 times over last week, to push me on.... I hope the inertia has been broken, and I will slowly pick up momentum.... It is always good to talk with L. There is so much to talk about, so many readings that we enjoy, so many viewpoints that we share...

Then there is the assignment which is very interesting....if i get the interviews i requested. Will write more about that another time....

This Masters course has been a very good learning journey......

So, although it had been hectic, July did come to a close well.

Lets see what august will bring...... i have already about 5 appointments to meet....and with people whose company is pleasant.....

and lets see how things fall out for the kids as exams closed in...over the next 2-3 months, this is going to be the crux...and i dont want, really dont want to fall into the rut of whipping for results....how to strike that balance is the key.....and this is going to be my preoccupation....teaching is my vocation.... i must keep the values and objectives right in my mind's eye....

Thus ends 31 July 2012....

Discrete good

"The key to wisdom in these circumstances is to make the distinction between discrete good and systemic good. When you are in the grip of a big, complex mess, you have the power to do discrete good but probably not systemic good."

The fallacy of Plannng
Dr Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow.

I remembered being struck by these words when I first read it in an article, and have since adopt it among my favourite quotations.

I remembered another one that someone quoted an old chinese saying many years ago, that It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

And in that, whatever the complex mess, one can do what one can within the circumference of one's situation. How big the circumference is not the issue.

==================================================
Over these past 4 weeks (i didnt quite realise its only 4 weeks), I have set 4 tests, 2 graded exercise, one exam, vetted 8 test/exam papers, marked a total of 13 sets of tests/graded exercise, each set 39 kids.

Do i mind? Actually no. I was the one that set the tempo and schedule for everyone. The issue is not how many tests/graded exercise. My students didnt complain, especially if the tests were reasonable, to help consolidate concepts, help defined what they know or didnt know, and help them strengthened their weakness. And it helps teachers to diagnose and adjust their teaching strategies. And my colleagues didnt complain. I was impressed by the team work, and willingness to learn. Hard work never kills anyone. In fact when the attitude is right, and grounded on true concern, people worked harder, are more genuine, and students are motivated to work, because teachers set the correct tone.

I am against results focused outcome, but I am fully supportive of ensuring students do learn. I am against being seen as a result-churning teacher, but do want to prove the point that a concept grounded-pedagogigcally sound-distinctly differentiated for each child teaching strategy must work. Whilst I detest a system that is focused on examinations, actually I am in favour of national examinations. That is an objective standard to measure if students meet the required standard. And that is important. Also, it measures cumulative knowledge, skills and techniques.

It is also a good way of reflecting on one's teaching approach. People who complain about the quality of students, should consider why they are teachers. If you only want to teach or can only teach good students, then .....i leave this as an open-ended question.  

The psle score of my present kids range from 190 -210. We are still running this marathon...and i hope the lessons learnt about themselves in the process of this journey will remain with them for a long time. As for the outcome, I believe, one will reap according to what one sow.

The joy of teaching is to see that spark in thinking, that 'click' as the concepts fall into place; that jubilation when the student overcome a personal learning obstacle.....

I had the good fortune of teaching in a school with an excellent principal for ten years when there were no IP schools. All students faced national examinations, but there is a consistency over the school years, and teachers did have the liberty to teach in a variety of ways, and introduce programs. It was never a drill and drill process.

As I mentioned in my previous post, system and school are separate entities. Blaming system is a way of avoiding personal responsibility. The Principal had clear educational values, and this was clearly translated down. In those ten years, I took my kids to sit in a court case and visit the Parliament for English lessons. When its time for debate lessons, all students in the class debate. Not just the best speakers. And in math, we had games, projects, competition training for fun. Never for results. In fact, many of the journal tasks I designed came from those days where i had so many ideas, but not the time to carry them out, or when i did, it was in much smaller scale. Then for non academic aspect, there was work experience program, job shadowing, including visits to hotels to see how the culinary section operates...and many many more programs, all simple and at little cost.  I was very fortunate. I had the space and liberty to carry out and learn how the students learn. And there was no work review. No one would dream of using these means to chalk up personal points. We did it because we love our kids. That was more than enough motivation. And pay was low.

And we did very well for exams. Focused on conceptual learning. Not drilling. I remembered my Principal saying, about ranking results, those numbers are beneath us. What a leader! Many events that i observed recently reminded me of her again.  I really was very fortunate to have worked under her.

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The present education system is indeed a complex mess. Examination which many blamed, is not the root cause of the problem.

 I only hope there will be a better generation of educators who will not be engaged in rhetorics about the education system, but would look at the historical perspectives of the education system, and evaluate what has led to this complex mess.

Statistics in its myriad rampant application to measure 'position', 'reward linked key performance indicators' 'reputation' have built a soul-less system, with undiscernible avarice cultivated in the noble platform of education. Statistics declare success (or failure). All students of statistics should also know, that, statistics lie. And they do more than lie, when they are used as justification of couched intents of individuals. But 'system' is a convenient camouflage.

Thankfully, whilst the suffocating tentacles of the powers that be in the form of 'system' seem prevalent (blaming system is safe isnt it?), one still see quite a few good hearts, and minds, dedicated, and principled, and that is truly an encouragement and an impetus to keep one's ideals going. 

We are not alone. Lets continue to do discrete good. :D

ramblings.....

over these past few days, 'meeting' people in various means of communication, i dreaded the question, how are you, or what have you been doing....
after pondering, my response is, i am waiting for october to come and go.....

one pause from writing because one has too little to write, or because one has too much to write?

can a machine write? at the moment, i feel somewhat like a machine....result-churning machine....

its not that i despair that i cant churn out results. On the contrary.i know i can.

But at what cost?  And what does result prove? For those who really worked for it, for those who regretted not working, and need a way out, yes, it benefits them.

But for those who dont, whose attitude showed a grasping with minimal effort, better still if no effort at all? i know, its not for me to judge.....my duty, is to do my utmost, for each one, deserving or not.....

sigh......

no point saying anymore....october. set my sight on 31 october. Thats my goal.

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when i can find breathing space, i would like to write on a few threads of thoughts....

one of them is bilingualism. i realised that in some realm of thoughts i much prefer to write in chinese. yet, actually english is the language that seems to be native to me....hmmm......

then the other is art or science; or art and science?

i remembered as a 16 going on to 17 jc kid, the first few economics lecture was dedicated to 'debating' whether economics is an art or science. At that time, seriously, i wanted to say, what is the relevance of such rhetorics? cant we just get on with it? what does it matter if economics is an art or a science? That, i think, is a failing of the system, and myself. Taught as a 'content', the argument is meaningless. And then, for myself, thought was shallow.

That generation is a generation that values science. NUS actually classified economics with the Arts Faculty ( at that time, no FASS). But it has a unique place, in that Science faculty student can read Economics as a Science, and Arts students could read Mathematics as an exception.

I was initially matriculated as a Science faculty student, reading Math, Economics and Computer Science. Yes, i would have been the first batch of students reading Computer Science. mum and dad was proud to know i cleared the aptitude test, which selected only 20% of the applcants.

But, I was dependent on psc for teaching bursary then. And they dictated that I must read English Language, English Literature, (Language and Literature are 2 different subjects and so they should be) Economics or Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry.  I wanted neither combination. Computer Science is not a teaching subject at that time, and 'irrelevant' for teaching. That was also not a modular system then. First year Science student must read 3 subjects, and major in two in third year. No minor for Science students in thrid year. For Arts faculty student, your must read 2 major, and one minor from 2nd year onwards.

After negotiation, I was finally allowed to read English Language, Mathematics and Economics. That put me in a 'rojak' combination. Both Science and Arts faculty didnt 'matriculate' me. Science said I should be in Arts as Econoics and English Lang are Arts. Arts said I should be in Science, as Maths and Econs are the two intersecting subjects between the 2 faculties as they are 'Science'. It was that strange. Bureaucracy.

I finally got an interview with Professor Edwin Thumboo who was the Dean of the Arts Faculty then. I remembered sitting in his office, some 4 weeks after uni term has started as an 'unmatriculated' student. And he looked so formidable! And so he was! He put through a call to psc immediately and asked what they wanted. It seemed the reply was quite immediate as well, and within minutes, it was settled. He was really awesome. I was to matriculate as an Arts Faculty student.

I remembered when some seniors in the Hall got to do know about it, they advised me against it. The 'value' between an Arts Degree and a Science matters alot. I was throwing away what is valued.

I dont know what is valued. But I do know, what I want. I was regretful to give up Computer Science, but the 2 subjects I really wanted to read was Mathematics and Economics. I needed the sponsor, I didnt want to burden my parents to get a loan. They did say i neednt force myself to take the teaching award, they will somehow settle my fees. But i knew that means borrowing. No, I cant have that. 

 I chose to read English Language and in exchange for Eng Lit, I was allowed to read Mathematics. Its not that I do not like English Literature. I do. Alot. But Maths and Economics won the day. At 19, i kept my ideals, but I also knew I must respect the biddings of my sponsors. I was only too grateful that I could continue studying.

 (On a side-note, when I see young people squandering their lives away when they have so much opportunity, it is grievous to me.)

So is Economics an art or a science? What is art? What is science? Why such questions at this time?

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A few years ago, a teacher said proudly to me, teaching is an art, and a science. I looked at this scholar teacher of 5 years or so, destined to be 'leader', and did become some sort of 'leader' (define leader please!) , with some pity, but didnt comment. One learns not to converse with emptiness. There are some that are strangely powerful in vacuuming ideas and discharging it as their own. That is neither an art or a science.

Yes, teaching is an art, and a science. Easy to utter, easy to engage in exposition, and elaboration. But as a teacher, do you know what it means in reality?

Education is a favourite topic for debate and discussion. Everyone has their two cents worth of view, because everyone is a by product of sorts of the 'education system'.  What most do not distinguish is there is the distinct difference between education, system, school, teaching and learning. They are NOT synonomous.

People spend so much time having a fine debate and worse, splashing loads and loads of money into 'programs' in "education" (yes, define!)  for "outcome based" (oh, this is well defined and documented) purposes, but miss the mark of teaching and learning. The latter two elements are stand alone, that may/may not be in a system.

The facilator of learning, the teacher, should master the art and science of his/her craft.  I think in the past, where there are much much less man-designed 'organisation', when people has to 拜师, then the value of teaching may be better perceived and understood. How to bring out the best of each child, how to observe for that invisible development of the mind? How to eleveate the thinking to a higher perspective?

How many teachers, may i ask, view teaching as a craft? Craft? Surely not. Its Career Path that matters! And kpis and pbs of course is very important. Teaching is a profession. We are professionals! Craft? Then there is the other camp of teachers, flogged and cajoled to achieve targets set (for whose benefit?), too besieged by work to have any ponderings about craft? art? science?

To those whose heart is warmer, who had hearkened to the 'higher calling from moe adverts,  of moulding life, and nurturing children, or from a true heart to care, i hope somewhere in your life, you will find meaning and understanding, in teaching in itself as an art, and wherein is it a science.

And  measuring a convolution of 'education otucomes' with figures, statistics and rankings has little bearing to teaching, and learning. 

3oth June 2012

Technically, this is a half-year mark. End of six months....calls for some sort of review, however superficial...
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 June....

Month on month comparison, this June has been rather pleasant....every week was eventful, meeting up with people, and tying up things....

More significant 'event' includes PL's daughter cw marriage on my bday ~ i saw the girl grew from eleven years old as a P5 girl who gave me the riddle " What did the Big Tomato say to the Small Tomato" , a lame joke i threw to every class ever since...and this little girl has turned to a lovely bride! PL has really been a faithful friend. Seriously, we remain friends more because of her, than because of me. She was incredibly kind, always going out of the way to be so. Whilst she is totally not engaged in 'intellectual' matters, she is down to earth, and in her 'blurness', she gives good simple advice. 18 years or so....

Then there is the tea with K, C, and M, the sum of the years of friendship with each adds up to more than 100... And again, its more because of them, than me. C declared I was never available, and marvelled that K managed to get me out for tea. I have learnt over the past few years, to appreciate kindness that is unsought, and has no demand. I knew K from P1 but we were never close, though we do relate well. Never met when we went our separate ways from JC (as far as i can remember), but she found me in her son's parents teachers meeting. And from then, she made the effort, and was quietly there. The difficult months prior to mum's passing to the final move out of rv, she made periodic effort to check on me. And from then, she widened my circle, first with M, then with C, both my Sec sch classmates. I thought, to many, I 'disappeared', yet somehow, I was remembered. In fact I was quite taken aback by the things C remembered, the books we read, the 'strange' things i did....ahh.... lovely school days....so yes, now that one advanced to a different phase, friendship that survived knocks and trials....is appreciated....in many ways, whilst we differed, yet our values converged....thanks to our alma mater....its really funny when we talked about our teachers....urm sounded like how the kids talked about theirs.....

June is always a time to meet up with EL which is always alot of exchanges, mostly on educational aspects....again, sigh, not intitiated by me....EL was my senior in uni days, then colleague in my second school for ten years, and when i left, she said to me, there wont be a good bye, we will remain friends....and so we did.... i owe much to her loyal friendship, for she ensured that i had proper lunch throughout the turbulent time in those years......yes, another friend that dated back more than 3 decade...

and yes, friends of recent years remain valued, as are the kids from blss esp kt....and nushs...., i guess the constant postings say it all....., every meeting, every communication is valued..... 

my regret is, i lost touch with many of the kids from my inital 15 years of teaching..... i wasnt in a frame to want to be in touch....and did not reply the many letters and emails.....those were years of silence in every sense of the word.....and the very few that wont give up, and keep calling, and writing...these few are still in the circumference of contact....

at 'family' end...i guess i hadnt done well here, though i did managed to meet up with lp and took her and S1 for dinner, and should be meeting up with P n C....and maybe B1? sigh....lack motivation....and there is still sst, whom i would wish to be in touch....

======================================================
Sad events...

two deaths....the first hit me very hard, harder than people realised.....

the second...the inevitability of the final phase....my over-riding concern is for ls....and i am thankful that as at this moment, ky and ls had maintained stability. Which is no small consolation to me.

=====================================================
Pre-occupation....

i was thankful to clear off one after another of the 'tasks' i got myself entangled....and sigh, am still working to clear one more 'task', which needs 30 hours more of work....and it isnt the kind of work i like...requires meticulousness....o well, got to finish it by end aug hopefully...

then the assignment for my last module, which is going to be quite a project, and

sigh....dissertation....i have this feeling L is really unhappy with me by now...sigh.....hopefully, the year end report will bear better tidings in this respect....

but my main challenge is to see how far i can help 78 kids pushed past their threshold....as at this moment, the strategising has paid off ~ the groundwork has been laid, its now keeping motivation, and building momentum....this is likely to be the last time i am going to get myself in this 'exam pursuit' goal system of such a scale, so i intend to do it very well. Its going to be a 4 month marathon, and i hope the kids will want to do it well...and want it more than me....

alot can be accomplished in 4 months...but alot can be de-railed as well....so actually this is my main pre-occupation and focus....and at this moment, i will only say, i am quietly hopeful and confident....but, alot remains to be seen.... 

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Future?

not thinking about it at all. Apart from the clearing of the random tasks, and the main preoccupation that will end oct, the completion of the dissertation is the only thing in sight.

i am quite at peace and at ease with having no path in sight. i have to admit i rather like not being bound, though it is at a price. Even when work piles, i dont push myself like i did before, and that made things less stressful....

i am however in need of alot of exercise....hadnt had time for a single walk......

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Overall, i am thankful, very thankful.......the mercies of the Lord endureth forever.

感慨

yes, today's visit was pre-arranged, but i thought it would be just one of those random things... frist of all, the arrangement was kind of unexpected, and actually, i anticipated a cancellation.... after exams...well, not a time for anyone to remember you... and apart from 2 names, i didnt know who would be coming....


so even though i did make the afternoon free, it was not with much thought on my part. In that sense, that made their thoughtfulness refreshing. It was a small gesture, but that they bothered to schedule it in and wanted to schedule it in(!), and came up with a cake and accidentally became the first that sent thoughtful wishes....


at a time of low frame, everything was sweeter....every year, it is not easy to pass through this period since mum went. Last year, wc card came in at the start of the month, and that was a deep consolation. Given the long long tunnel, yes it was a very deep consolation. At least one reconciliation....but i digress...


each time i see the kids, i know how much i missed them. there is so much that i want to pass on, to help them through their journey... and i guess, whats most gratifying is, they want to listen....



i guess, it matters alot at this time cos the ground is so hard where i am.... and to say, i am not worried that i may labour in vain would be a lie. But i know talk is cheap. If u dont put in the labour, if u dont make the sacrifice, all the pontification and theorization is a sham. Come june, it would mark a year of cecilia's passing. I remembered why i took this path for this year. I will continue therein....and hope....somehow, somehow....it would help some kids....if it is just one of them....yes, i am shaken in some ways, but i am resolute in ploughing on.... i did not choose the path because it is easier or better... i knew what would be install....but it has been much harder....



so yes, this lot of kids coming at this time, seeing their earnestness, their enquiry, their pathways, and feeling their genuine care...and it happened to be in this month of may... yes....it matters alot...


and it brings alot of 感触 and 感慨.....聚了又得散。。。散了何日聚？



i always want to teach to the end of my days.... i really want to impart.... but i realised time has really changed... and i am also not prepared to conform either....



No system of education is going to convince me that it is existing in the system that makes one an educator.....


==================================

whatever... though this visit brought bittersweet pain....alot of poignancies .....but, it was really touching. sk was touched also....yes, rare for kids these days, esp after i have left....



and tmr, the blss boys...this has been postponed several times.... and i am looking forward to that also....



==================================
o let me live meaningfully to the end...and when my strength is gone, let me not be a burden to anyone...this is my one and only wish....

what i want my students to learn....

i want my students to learn...


that intrinsic motivation is more important than surface result....



i want my students to learn...




to believe in themselves ....that they can,,,



i want my students to learn...




to know what they do not know, and realise the need to strengthen their weakness....




i want my students to learn...





to have a sense of pride in themselves ....they do it because they want to... not because there is an 'or else'...




i want my students to learn...



that hard work is necessary, there is no short cut....



i want my students to learn...




that a seeming negative growth does not mean there is no turning in the desired direction....keep at it....



And i want my students to learn this,



not just for a phase.... but for a lifetime...



===========================

i believe,



i really believe,



that there is a spark that is in each child, that can be ignited....



that there will be a reciprocal return of trust ....



whether ultimately, i am going to be let down....



i WILL hold on to my belief to the end....

cognitive vs affective

This issue has been on my mind for very long....it probably started more than ten years ago remotely, and have sharpened significantly over the past year...


i remembered dk once remarked to me, if a student needs a teacher in order to do well, the teacher has failed. ( or something to that effect).


i was duly offended. I was then the super teacher, who was the key factor to my students performance in math. Students tell me how much they need me especially when the exams got nearer etc etc etc....So, by dk's 'definition', i have failed. And i disagreed with his view strongly then.


one of my greatest strength, is, i value criticism, especially if it opens up perspectives entirely different from mine. And of cos, i value dk.


Those words remain in my mind for a long time, and i gradually see what he meant. Knowledge is objective. Thinking should be objective. And i now tell my students, if you can only do math because of me, then, i have failed.


========================================
What is cognition?

"Cognition is a term referring to the mental processes involved in gaining knowledge and comprehension, including thinking, knowing, remembering, judging and problem-solving."


Cant remember where i extracted this definition from, an internet source. I realised if i help students to develop their own mental processes, so that they can apply them independently and effectively, that is a greater job than being the 'reason' for their 'working hard', or their 'studying for me'. The first will abide. The second will not sustain, and i did see it...how kids who scored well, by sheer 'affective' and dependence on teachers, falter when put to the test later on....


i also saw how unreliable 'popularity' rating is. But that i saw from the very start. I therefore am uncomfortable when students 'like' me as a teacher because i am 'nice'. 'nice' is a description of a person, not a description of the effectiveness of the transfer of knowledge, values or experience.



Results of course is never reliable, and whilst data tells something, what the something is, need to be very carefully analysed. A set of data showing good results doesnt mean anything, as it depends on a lot of factors. Similarly, a set of data showing abysmal results point also to a whole range of factors. And many of the factors are the result of earlier causes, which the present has to take responsibility for.


i note that there are so many comments about the teaching profession, especially those touted on mass media, and all focus on heartstring pull....the affective aspect. I am not for one moment saying that is not important. It is very important.



But it is an over-sell, leading to teachers being 'pre-occupied' with 'problems' , activities, events....and focusing on affective issues...



yet i still feel, the primary reason for students to be in school, is to develop their mind, and if possible, elevated to a noble platform, and with their mind, and heart, serve the society. It is the mind, ultimately, that, weighs both sides of issues, and sets the direction.



I fear the constant emphasis of 'caring', 'nurturing' without a corresponding hard work to engage the thought processes will have its due backlash in 'education' as it is already seen, if one wants to see....
of course the counter argument is the emphasis on results which is the key to the next phase of pursuit is ample evidence that cognitive aspect is very much valued in the education system.


My reply is, is it? Results, at all cost, is valued. Not sure about thinking processes.


I thought the foreign experts in transportation issues gave us a good slap in the face at the SMRT Inquiry, proposing remediation steps that is, 'common-sensical'.


Common-sense is a thought process, which most people know, is not common, at least not in many local context. I wont add further.

message...

i am recording this to encourage myself....

received an sms from the mother of a student i knew since 2003....she subsequently dropped out of school and did her O levels as a private candidate...i taught her for 4 years, and was the longest math teacher she ever knew, and we kept in touch...she is doing her university with one of the private institutes affiliated with overseas uni...

This was the message:
"...just thinking of you today and wanted to thank God again for allowing our paths to cross. You have been a real blessing to M...She's doing really well at UB, in fact, she loves it there. Last sem she made it to the Dean's list and a research project she did with her partner may be published. Was just retracing the time before UB and remembered that it was also you who told us about the course. Thank you again for being mentor, friend and a fantastic teacher to M. ..."

M was the first child with special needs attributes I had come across. My lack of understanding resulted in many painful conflicts, and I did not want to continue with her. Except..... the girl liked me... in fact i had to take her as a tutee, cos her mother appealed to Ms Heng to ask me to help. I could not reject Ms Heng.

One episode was particularly bad...her mum rang me, and took alot of trouble to explain at length many of the traits that i did not understand, and had assumed it was irresponsibility and inconsideration.

When i realised what the parents went through to support her, I felt awful, for my ignorance and the hurt i had caused the child. I remembered telling myself, i am only seeing her a couple of times a week, and that is nothing compared to what the parents have to bear. I later took her out after her exams and had a good chat. That sealed it, and I was determined to see her through her education pathway....

Looking back, the girl is probably what US education literature would call a twice exceptional kid, some special needs trait, but exceptional in literary ability. That she is doing so well there, is not unexpected to me.

Her mother thanked me. But actually, i should thank her, for teaching me to understand every kid, for loving her child with such receptivness...its such a pleasure to receive such a message...especially at this time....

there are so many billows bashing within me, i am just going to write the multitude of thoughts within me....... yes, they are not quite coherent, and disjointed... but i am still going to write...
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i acknowledged i have been very discouraged, disturbed by the differences in attitudes of young people, or rather indifference in attitude....

one student asked me, why do you bother with those who dont want to help themselves? i asked her, do you realise the societal impact, if everyone adopt that argument?

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Economics is my major in Uni, and my favourite subject. I also admit that I am sad when students take a negative attitude towards the subject for whatever reasons, valid or not. For myself, I rarely like/dislike a subject because of a teacher.

From Economics, i saw the wise planning of those who had designed the growth and development of this small nation. In my time, i did Economies of developing nations, and Singapore was then emerging from the status of a developing nation...I did not blame the government for recession, I saw the susceptitbility of our small country. It affected me. Deeply. I suffered pay cut, at a time, when my parents depended on me. As the only 'graduate', I was the only one contributing significantly. But my take home pay was less than a thousand.

I knew the virtue of hard work, and worked very hard. No one need to teach me these things. When I didnt work hard, and failed, I knew it was my fault. When i couldnt afford, i didnt envy. I couldnt afford. Thats it. What i dont need, i dont buy. When I have, i just want to make others happy.

When i started teaching, i put alot of hope in my students. I didnt want them to 'fail' like i had through lack of discipline. When i realised i hurt some of them through unreasonable unexpectations, I re-examined my values, and adopt a more positive, constructive approach. I realised values are more important than seeming success. And I want the kids to have 'happiness' that i didnt have.

And it was a generation then, that did appreciate.

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What happened in this interim? The repercussion of decisions...against the tide of warning....and in many ways, one saw the inevitable coming....

I now saw, what i had written in my economics essay on developed nations , of the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer in my own country. But is the poor, really getting poorer? Or is it just that the gap is becoming so wide? Yet is it, really?


The big conglomerates have actually made alot of things extremely affordable. More people can have it, so everyone is happy, and more importantly, wealth increase. The government in their push for economic progress, made broadband,IT infrastructure easily available. So, computer games, 3G, 4G, and with them all the filth come in. And as if not enough, casinos are at the door step, with astounding architecture structure to support. Everything must be seen in 'holistic' view.

Is it? Decadence are at the doorstep. And Who is going to reverse this? Or even can it be reversed? Is all that 'economic' growth worth the destruction to so many untold families? And with such pursuit of materialism, where is the corresponding increase in moral standards?

At one time, to own a car, you have to have at least 20 to 30% cash, that cant be borrowed. I agree totally. In fact, i am for COE/ERP whether as a driver or non-driver. There is a price for everything. You want something, you worked for it, and pay for it when you have the means. Not by borrowing. I only borrowed to pay for my first flat. I couldnt afford, i didnt buy furniture, i didnt have air-con. And my parents came first. And paying off my debt.

But somewhere along the line, someone tweaked it, resulting in this present unbelievably high price of COE. And someone actually said, the reason why is because Singaporeans can afford it. The price is far, far far too high, creating such a great divide. So, this is "market" forces?

I was shocked at the way banks touted for people to borrow by credit or any other way making things appear so 'affordable' to hook the young. But i blame the young for falling for it. I used myself as a standard. What else can i measure?

And when i see even highly intelligent kids being hooked on computer games, and all sorts of IT related activities to relieve the boredom, I feel sad. Very.

And when I see the damage caused to the less able, leading to restlessness, ill-discipline, I ask myself, what's happening? What can be done? What else can be done? ....show me how... i really want to know....

And I am not one that believe in complaints. Yes, i detest those who hide behind online platform to voice their vaunted views, laughing and sneering at others, and with vulgarities. It is easy to tear down, show me what you have done, what you have constructed, and that known only between you and your conscience.

And when kids complain and complain....you know where they learnt it from, the role models ~ the adults.

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It pains me to see so much needs to be done, but i have no energy to do them.

It pains me to see how what had been built well by the right hand, being brought down by the left hand of the same structure.

And there are so many that treat ordinary common sense with scorn, and derision, as if 'titles' and accolades are the fountains of wisdom.

There are many things, i would have told you, i told you so, not once, not twice, but many times. I didnt stand by to watch the 'fall'. But to what avail?

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yes, i am tired. Very Very tired.

And sad, very very very very sad.

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And this is how i encourage myself:

If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

I dont want to live long.

But i dont want to live in vain.

somehow....

somehow, somehow....that feeling...like what it was at the start of this year weighs heavily.... the end is nearing.... its a matter of how near....it was exactly how i felt when i saw him then...and it happened 17 days later....

now the same horrible weight, the second this year..... i am terribly sorry, she is young early 40s.... and she is really not ready for it...i dont know what to say to her.... it will hit ls very hard, and i worry for her eyes...

i sometimes wish i dont seem as strong as people somehow think i am. its the way i carry myself. i cant let go. dont know how. i only know, i have to stand by her, and look after her and ky to the end. at such a time, i remembered those very very hard times, when i stood by so many and they said they will care for one another to the end... yes, WHERE ARE YOU?

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somehow, i am back to the phase of wearing that 'arrogant' look, that 'keep your distance' look. cant blame me. i need to. i dont have the energy to care or look after more than those i need to. people who envy me never saw what i never allowed any to see. and why should i? I am me. ===============================

i have to admit, when teaching is focused on worrying how their future will be impacted by results, and that is dependent also on you... it is a heavy weight. today the kids wrote a card...dont give up on us... i wont....they are quite lovable... but they dont realised, that it is easy to write, we will work hard...in actuality, having the will power to do so is another matter....and the weight gets heavier, when they trust you because they cant trust themselves....and you know you can help, if only you have that energy also....

somehow, when you see so many things... u wonder.... what seemed important, is it really so?

and i dont like battles and conflicts.... actually, withdrawing would have been the easier way... every battle takes alot out of me.

must hang on till end oct.

sigh. i am tired.

random updates....

yesterday, there was an article in ST from many my generation paying tribute to Rediffusion. its remarkable how similar our thoughts are, each from different walks of life, having the same memories of the simplicity of life in something so simple as a 'brown box', that add that spice into our lives....honestly, i still feel, our life was much richer for it, compared to this technologically dominated world these days....o well....
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it seemed strange that almost immediately after i state that i have been quite placid these days, that things took an explosive turn.....it took me a couple of days to regain composure..... i am not a person given to triggers of moods, particularly in teaching itself. My focus is usually very clear. But I guess, it was too clear to myself, and somehow i have failed to see the gap..... perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? perhaps i had hoped for too much? i dont know. But it was a big blow to me, and i couldnt speak about it to anyone...actually, i still hadnt relate what happened. To me, talking about it is not the point. What went wrong? Why? And really, i wanted to give up. But i am bound by my promise...

thankfully, some of the kids took steps to mitigate, which i totally didnt expect. Such initiative is rare, and well, i dont see it often in the past years.....And i was touched by the sincerity. There are apologies that are given just to get out of a situation. But unreserved sincere apology is unmistakable, not only seeing what went wrong, but analysing the cause, considering for others, and wanting to move forward. I did not expect that. And that makes all the difference.

And that gave me the motivation....yes, to start again..... dont give up..... it will pay off ..... be positive..... charity never faileth.... i will be positive tomorrow, and start again.... actually, with kids, i will give them ten thousand chances, if only they really want, and will keep trying....

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fb has provided the avenue to follow the diverse pathways of the kids, whether in ns, in their uni outcomes, their sch actitivities, ups and downs etc....dont know whether its good or not, to follow so closely.... is it teacher instinct or a maternal kind of concern has taken over?

in a few months, the girls will have all their confirmed decisions, and stepping into different realms....the boys, most of them will still be in ns.... reading of mishaps does make one worry .... but its their growth and their duty... all of us has a duty to our family, our nation....i am actually very glad that most of them have taken this very positively and really want to prove themselves. Nation building is not built on complains and grouses. It is built on a communal spirit and responsibility, rising over the differences, and strengthening bonds. And true care is also based on sacrifice...and i know, the two years is a sacrifice, although a compelled one, it is to be valued....actually, i am very proud of the boys...:)

i do not intrude especially when they are at critical decision making period....views had been given....and views need not concur.... as i said to st, its not life and death...seriously, it is not. When you know whats life and death, you know all these are not....passing critical moments that can be turning points or points of inflexion, and you still live on. How happy you choose to be, how positive, how grateful lies within your own heart. Happy is the person that can see beyond and over...

then, my other batch that is now in year fours.... another special batch....

must really be getting old, to remininse like that.....

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was telling chris today, perhaps, after the O level this year, i will take a total break from schools for at least 6 months. Focus on completion of dissertation (sigh, prob extend for anr sem) and maybe do my grade 6 exam....

sometimes u think u want to do that much, u want to contribute, u want to pass on.... but really, must u? need u? does it make a difference? especially when the strength of youth is gone.... visited ls sister at sgh just now... and u see the reality of life and death....

actually, i am really contented to have an end to my earthly pilgrimage. I really have run my race. I havent attained much. But i have not hidden my talent. I have done my best, and have considered most above myself. Its not out of weariness and hopelessness, although the fear of being a burden is ever present.

I should really take a true break, and put tie up loose ends, and spend time with T n B and with nature...

But, at this moment, just between now and May.... the deadlines are a plenty....sigh....