September 2015

This is my quiet corner. Have been wanting to be back here for some time. In some ways, I have communicated more on FB than I normally would. But nothing like being back to my own home here, my quiet space....

So much have happened. But I guess, I can also say, not too much has happened. Not in my personal space.

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First, thoughts on GE2015. This is the first time in my life that I have followed so closely. GE2011, I viewed things as a distant observer. Things changed, especially after March 2015. It was the first time that I could not explicate that deep stirring within. It was not just the passing of a man, great in his stature by his sheer will to fulfil a vision for a small nation, that none of us could envision. It was also the going through of so many documents that I was to realise how much innuendos and insinuations, sinister suggestions and seemingly logical deductions can so colour one's views so insidiously. I know within myself that my disagreements with some policies have allowed judgment to be swayed as well. I had prided myself often for being able to be objective and seeing through personal bias. In this instance, I realised I hadn't been. I realised that I have also been bigoted in some views. And I am sorry. Very sorry.

Since then, I have taken my earthly citizenship, albeit very temporal, more seriously. Age also plays a large part. To ease things as much as possible for the next generation. Though it appears that they have more, actually, they have less. Less thought. Less depth. Less sincerity. And alot more upheavals and turbulence will come their seeming 'ease'.

But, the truth is , one can only do that much. Example is better than precept. Quiet contemplation is hopefully a reserve for a time of need. I pray for the good of the nation. And hope I would not see what that I had seen built, come down through false illusory ideals and clamour for changes for the sake of it. I do fear that it would happen in my time.

I am sincerely grateful for the GE results. For some moments, it had been very disturbing. By 'cooling' day, I read one of many reflections circulating, and that particular reading comforted me. There are thinking people around. And upright people.  It is their generation. Even if things take a bad turn this time, there will be people still who saw the vision that had been built. I was then at peace within myself, though, the culmination of it all broke out in a bad migraine, the first in 6 weeks.

I have never been personally affected by any leaders of the country, nor had taken much interest. Perhaps its because i have more time now. Yet, I think, its perhaps more to do with age....I do want to leave a little good behind....I have to give more serious thought to discrete good that can be done....

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Two days ago, received news that tch had a mild heart attack. I was so shock. Without news of how things are, I went down to sgh and on the way made two bad mistakes in driving that nearly resulted in accidents, understandably incurring the anger of other drivers.  Was relieved that it is not as life threatening at the moment though his health has definitely deteriorated. It impacted me deeply.

Tch is part of my childhood and teenage, and alot more in my young adulthood. He was one of the very very few figures in my life that gave me hope in humanity then. Because he was always there, and always the one concerned over me, I had forgotten that he had aged and he needed care. He is 68.  I don't know how convenient it would be to be of help.

I realised its going to be like that as time passes....there can only be loss and more losses....the journey upon this earth was never meant to be permanent.

My comfort is in the Lord alone. In the remaining time that I have, I only want to do a little good to those around me. Always.

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Somewhere toward end of August, it began to crystalise in my mind which direction to take for the days ahead, at least for the imminent couple of years. Deep inside, I know would have liked very much to return to teaching and had turned down four occasions for this year. I have my hesitations due to the varied circumstances....particularly B. I want to be always available for her. How far age stands as a barrier as the gap widens....I don't know. I only know I hope I would never feel I am no longer able to convey effectually as a teacher.

To occupy time whilst sorting out interim situations, I have been attending tcm classes again. I finally made some sense of the flow of logic in tcm a few weeks back, and took the chance to see if they would admit me back although its 3/4 into the year, and I had missed out on a few classes. Well, they did.

I intend to take the course seriously, and made a good attempt (without stress though) to complete it. I do not know how long the sojourning upon this earth will continue, whilst it does, at least one little area that can be of usefulness to others.

Kids still matter to me....alot. Whatever it is, the present direction is taken. And whilst waiting for the Lord, I just want to occupy my time meaningfully.

This poem by Emily Dickinson is always in my heart.....not to live in vain.

If I can stop one Heart from breaking by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one Heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one Life the Aching
Or cool one Pain

Or help one fainting Robin
Unto his Nest again
I shall not live in Vain.