....and....

....she is gone....

sk text me at 0612 that... she left at 3am. actually, i was awake at that time. sleep has been choppy lately....even with help. and with the news of the 12 year old at mt kinabalu, it is really very very sad.

deep heartache...how much more for those closest to her....deep sigh.....

.....and life goes on for the living.....pain and grief are part of life.....

............

over the past 15 months or so, when sk related her going to mt e with yl, she would always say, how she hated the familiar feeling.....of those days some 5 to 6 years back. these two days, i fully felt what she said. every step, every corner is all too familiar....and it still hit home.

inadvertently, i read through the posts of feb 2010....tonight sk, zg and d are keeping vigil....likely to be the last night...i am not there, yet i am there. i know what it feels. sk said, zl asked why are we going through this again and again....even zl still hold the pain of mum. what more us? i remembered the night of 14 jan to 15 jan 1999. i remembered the night of 7 feb to 8 feb. actually both times, i protected sk from it. I insisted she went back. this time, she has to go through it...i am sorry. at least zg is with her.

yl really suffered...its painful to see her suffering....its painful to see her dying...its painful. its going to be hard this time round with the end, because her kids are so young. d has been a very very very good chap, both to yl and to their kids. its going to be very rough the next few days. Because i am not directly involved, all the more, i must keep composure and looked after each of them. If i feel the pain so deeply, what more them?

must tide through this storm. letting words flow here helps. somehow, in person, i do not know how to let out whats within.

writing is good...this is the place of solace to me.....

waiting out....

Last day of May, and i really want to post, however short, or incoherent. actually, this has been a very tough month....

first, with B's condition...I kept her on the western medication gaba, supported by tcm....the initial easing has now worn off....and its almost as it was a month ago, except now i better expect it? Its painful when she gets into her episodes...yesterday and last night was bad....quite bad....but i have to just bear it and say nothing....because....

now at mt e, sk and her family are waiting out....the same scene....as it was more than 5 years ago...except now a much younger lady, not passed 39....it is a matter of days....maybe hours....and all the more painful for her very painful suffering in illness....i daren't imagine the aftermath when it takes place....and what would happen from thence....

a year ago, in march, when we knew of the relapse, i told sk, she looked after yl, i looked after her...it has been really rough...and waiting for the worse is awful. I am thankful that i have cleared all commitments so that i could do whatever little i can....actually i feel it deeply, because i always 'over-feel'. I arranged to go for concerts, some pre-arranged, some spontaneous, some invited....it helps to ease out of the atmosphere of gloom....

it has been a really rough month, with BC's passing on12 May. I have visited a few times at sgh and had long chats with her. I was gratified that I was among those she actually called and wanted to talk to. She is a very very brave lady....

Its a very sad month. And everything else sinks into relative insignificance....the final definite completion of the dissertation, the completion of the 中药module, including the exams on 27, the 10th anniversary for nushs, the meetups that took place/ would be taking place....the repairs for the leak into the neighbour downstairs; housework now that sk's maid left and the new one is not familiar; car's repair....and a host of things that need to be seen to, not helped by the onset of the spondylosis and arthritic pain for the past week......but when one sees life and death truly a very short distance apart....alot is really minute....

the spirit and heart is terribly heavy......but things must continue...at this moment....its the waiting out for the inevitable outcome....

31 may 2015