20 January 2017 : In Remembrance

This is the fifth anniversary of his death, a boy I had taught six years ago. I will keep this day a remembrance as long as I am enabled. Because he was very quiet, because he was very reserved, because his life was so under-stated, I want all the more to remember him, to value him, to hold him in remembrance, and a reminder, that every child counts, every one counts....

In sincere remembrance.....

1 January 2017

I knew I would not have much time to write to close the year 2016 especially because zl's wedding fall on that day. Even then, somehow, crossing a year did not have the usual impact anymore. I could not feel a year as the way time spaced it out regularly. Its now like a span, how short, how long, I do not know. 


Battling unwellness in different ailments saps one's strength, mentally and physically. At least now that zl's wedding is over, I am not so worried about being a hindrance to his special occasion. That had been a weight on my mind since I knew things were not quite ok. And when all the unwellness added up again the past two weeks, not helped by a bad throat infection and night after night of hacking cough, I almost wondered if I would be well enough to witness the occasion. To witness their solemnisation, and seeing them walked down the aisle, I was very very grateful. Actually, we have been very distanced. He was stressed about his job etc. I just didn't have the heart to say I don't feel well to him, nor to sk. zg has been good, and has been supportive. But he doesn't realise the weight in my heart. I just feel the less said the better. At least they can be happier longer to cross the year with joy and hope. As it is, what can anyone do if even the medication relieve only a little of the discomfort? Will be looking into it in the coming days, not without anxieties.....and except to hope that things can still be relieved, I just have to forge on. P and C have been supportive and that is appreciated, but I guess there is only this much anyone can do. I must keep positive not to be a greater burden.


I need to find peace within, and to seek the Lord for greater grace and mercies. And to keep encouraging myself in the Lord. Of all the new year greetings, Chris message struck me. "Hope you scatter joy and happiness wherever you go all 365 days of the upcoming year and the same in return." I realise yes, I have not followed my inward compass and have lost my direction. I must not lose the meaningfulness of doing a little something for a little someone, and bear the discomforts with more patience. 

I have alot, and I must count my blessings. I am really in a very blessed position. Though I had felt the aloneness and loneliness more acutely, I do know I really do have many friends and family members that care for me. Whatever difficulties I face is really little compared to many people. I can still remember a quote : Two men look out of the window, one saw the dust, the other saw the stars. I want to see the stars. I want to be able to live above circumstances and limitations.

I saw on fb, someone quoted part of an old prayer that I had come across in my school days. And the words of the second half that he did not quote came to my mind: Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

I will lose respect for myself if I turn inward and self-centred. I do so pray that I can remain of use, and of help to others, no matter what condition I am in. May the Lord grant me grace to trust, to look up and to rejoice in him always.  When I am weak, then am I strong.

I will live each day with hope and live each day as meaningfully as I can. And when the work is done, I will rest in the Lord. Yes, I will live all 365 days, if the Lord should grant me the length of days, scattering joy and happiness, and bless the Lord as long as I shall live. Amen.