Placidity

the month of july is slipping to an end...and this post is like a placement marker...

I remain thankful, especially because it has really been a month of placidity....not that it was uneventful, every week, there were many communications from various quarters, and quite pleasant. The decision to change status whilst keeping teaching duties has been a good one. It helps that teaching remains my love and the kids have been lovely. Gratifying to see the progress, and earnestness to learn in some. It wont be easy to say goodbye when the time comes. But it is at least on the right note hopefully.

I never know when storm will brew form which quarter, and it is rare to have a placidity lasting for such length of time and that is something I am very grateful. Given the chaos and catastrophe around the world, one learns to be grateful and see things in perspective. Especially when one sees the immense grief of many in the air disasters.....

Keeping up regularity in exercise especially in swimming probably has been helpful in more ways than one. I do feel healthy, something I wouldn't dare say in the past. Joint aches however has set in again, I guess, its somewhat cyclical, and at times its really a bane. And acupuncture can be really painful (like today, sigh), but it has helped immensely with the shoulders and back. Overall, I would still say, I am probably in the best state of health than I ever was. Abit ironical....health was never on my side in youth.

There are a lot to do still, a lot that remains undone. Taking each day placidly. There are times that I do wish to do more, and wish I could do more. But, I guess, a little good, for a little someone, each day suffices.

There are aches still within the soul and heartaches too....but, I can smile and say, that's life. I only wish to see happiness for others. And for all the goodness and kindness that I receive each day, nothing is taken for granted. Over this period, J and K's companionship, and zh prescribing brownee's medication that really helped her...it was painful to see her unwell... I am very grateful.

Placidity. Is a good word.

milestone

alot to reflect upon.......events that draw out thoughts through life's journey....milestone for others...and for me, in reflection.
 
attended LF wedding on 5 July. I met her again when B2 was in icu in cgh. She was a lung specialist there.  She was a outstanding kid, very very lovely, in my form class in my last year at scg and the valedictorian of 2000. We had communicated twice over 14 years. She is a treasure. So yes, I attended. And met up with quite a few kids in the class. I don't remember all - it was a difficult year.....that was the year dad passed on .... I held out then, only because of mum. It was a very painful year, for many reasons.
 
So alot alot of thoughts went through my mind......14 years......I am grateful for walking through the tunnel and walking out of it. I realised how much and how far I came through. I used to be very tight in communication with the kids...actually I was very cautious and never shared anything personal because of the circumstance I was in, and honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to pull through. So I kept my distance because I did not want to have a negative effect on anyone, much less kids that look up to you. I was really afraid of hurting them. And that mattered alot. I left scgs, totally directionless, and dark...
 
It was so different within myself now. 14 long years since. 
 
In witnessing the joyous occasion for LF, and meeting up with the kids, some mothers already, I am happy, for them, and for myself. Truly, the Lord has been kind and good to me.
 
And 5 July is a special date, the birthday of my dearest childhood friend and sister.
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I planned my schedule (sigh, alot to do still) such that I could attend the open air gathering for the xinyao reunion. My thoughts for this occasion, I have captured in fb; https://www.facebook.com/siokhui.sie/posts/581992505250739 
I am moving more and more into the Chinese realm....
 
whilst I want to distance myself from the education scene gradually and soon....I still cant turn down those in the field who seek me out for discussion. I don't know what lies ahead...will just go along.the flow .....
 
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the next big event for me is 403 this coming weekend.... seeing them grow from 15 to 21....it has really been a journey....their completion of nushs; entering into ns....and out of ns....and into uni.....and now the threshold of adulthood.
 
The next milestone will be when all graduate....and then into families....
 
I may have no kids of my own. Yet I sometimes feel I have a whole load of kids. I feel happy and blessed to think of them. Not all I know can be close. Yet again, I remember Louisa May Alcott's Jo's boys. I do feel like that sometimes. My oldest kid, wc is now a mother of 3, and into her forties. And still as sweet and caring. I truly know I am blessed.
 
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true, my heart aches. For many reasons. But that's life.
 
 To all that I care and love, to all that I respect and are dear to me, they will always be etched within.
 
I have traversed many milestones of life.
 
 
 

Gratitude

There is a difference between being grateful, and having gratitude.

 Grateful is to persons; Gratitude is a feeling of thankfulness, and more than thankfulness, it is a state of being; a state of warmth and some flow of strength, of being at the receiving end of goodness and kindness.

Its perhaps the norm for many to be not ill, not feeling out of sorts, whether physically or inwardly.

Not for me. Its almost amazing.

The comfort of seeing Brownee now stable, recovering, no redness for the last few days is immense. It has been a long haul for her, continually improving since taking tcm, but it fluctuates, and one has to observe the causes, and helped her tide through. I guess both T and B mean alot to me and it has been 9 months since the skin issue came up. There was a time it was really quite heartbreaking to see soreness in many parts of her small frame.

Physically for me, aches has reduced significantly. Most of all, its really amazing to wake up with a clear head, and not having that blurry achy mind. Headaches only show up now under continual strenuous situation, and that happened 4 times over 4 months which is really good. Especially under working condition. And not getting tired so easily. Its good to feel in health. Really good. Yesterday a colleague commented that it was cold because of the air con temperature and it was raining. She was known to prefer cold environment, whilst I always need a jacket. I was surprised because I didn't feel cold. I thought it was just nice. That was when I realised how far I picked up in health, through tcm and exercises.

Whatever bothersome issues, I have learnt to make it 'manageable'. Its always a question of 'letting go', the equivalent of ‘放下' .  Actually, thankfully, nothing very much really matters. And very thankfully, I have no lack.

It is not that I am not grateful to persons. I am. Brownee's recovery and my own I really owe it to zh in many ways.  Very grateful. All things are transcient, and the physical body will perish in time. However short being in health feels, I am grateful to know how it feels. I rarely take advice and for long period. His unassuming but firm persuasion, sincere and genuine encouragement pulled me out of decades of neglect. It has been a year that panadol is no longer almost a part of my life.

And I am grateful to J and K for the consideration, support and companionship. The bond has taken another level, and it is really now a friendship, a valued one. I have learnt to accept help. And I have learnt also to swim, and swim regularly. :) It has helped me very much.

And having special bonds warm the heart. Knowing ld is back was really good.  Also excited to be seeing 403 in  a couple of weeks. I am not thinking whether it is goodbye because quite a few are flying off. I am thankful that apart from cny, there is this annual midyear meet. I don't know how long this will continue. Our gap has widened....and sometimes they feel far away to me.  I guess, we are after all from different background and their lives take them into realms that I don't belong. And I am happy for them. I admit, every meet, I wonder, if things will feel the same. I don't know. But I am excited for this meet. This is the year that they are twenty-one. Its special. :)

Gratitude is a feeling of warmth. Yes, I am at the receiving end of goodness and kindness. I am very very grateful.

The Lord's mercies endureth forever.  He has provided abundantly for me. Even if I have only this for a short period, that I have this goodness, even for a day, I am grateful. And yes, when grateful, to me, this is being happy. :) Good to keep a memo for this. :)