I see the kids grow....

this is to say thank you very much to the 16 kids that had helped on monday or/and tuesday evening/night....in total it was nearly 6 hours... and i know none of them would dream of asking for cip... it wouldnt even cross their mind at all...

honestly i had been quite worried about this task for various reasons...... i was really very relieved to see them all packed and ready.
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but more than this relief is the joy and pride to see the kids grow... i dont understand alot of their lives anymore, but it made me happy to see them considerate and helpful; working with initiative, plan, thought and coordination.

i observed alot of things:

The leaders among them, whilst still having 'the lead' now subsumed as a team; one does not see the dominance, like it had been 2 years ago... (some of them are helping for the third time...)

The way the teams worked, differently but reaching the same end ;

Coordination within each team checking one another without 'criticalness';

NO show of tension, irritation or temper;

Cheerfulness and enjoyment in what they do; the accommodation and understanding that comes with the years of doing things together;

The carefulness and attitude of accountability....
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there is a wise saying that goes "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts". Many heard of this, but very very few really understands it. This can only happen when there is true leadership and team spirit. And this is very rare....

to the kids who helped, maybe it was just 2 evenings( nites) of doing something else other than study time. What they did not realise is that each such experience helps each of them to be better team players; and give insight to coordinating complexities; and nurture leadership in everyone.

when i see this naturally exudes from them..... i feel very happy.... it is not just seeing them grow... it is seeing them grow meaningfully...

it is therapeutic to be with the kids......i learnt alot just observing them...

thanks alot for two lovely evenings of joyful company...... :)

Before Break Ends...

ok, must face it... break is ending... if not ended.



writing needs alot of time, and feel.... and the luxury of writing almost everyday can only be done at designated breaks...



So to round of june series of contemplations... actually i got quite abit to write and have scanned pictures and photos for them ... (sorry, too back-dated, still havent got digitalised yet...) whatever... got to wait till the next long break series... :)



2 cursory events.

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(1) Pride/Dignity

Todays papers about MM Lee's comments on learning of languages, he was asked why he learnt Chinese as an adult (Peranakan background people speak Malay and English, not Chinese), and he said 自 尊 心, which Straits Times translated as self-respect. I was checking back my earlier post, and I had explained it as, dignity -- a kind of self-respect; a pride for what you are. Which is what he meant, take pride that you are a chinese, so know your language.

These are intrinsic values. But, I think understanding this requires a particular phase of life. There are some things we heard, or are taught, it takes one at a particular frame to understand the essence.

So learning cant be rushed....but teaching/imparting must still go on... hopefully the impact comes home later.
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(2) scgs

Attended scgs dance concert yesterday. Glad to meet many ex colleagues, many of whom had left, but somehow, when there is an scgs event, we come together. Somehow we understood and feel for each other despite not seeing each other for so long. We had worked together for the same cause and that feeling is special.

Was glad also to meet my retired vp who was also the Head of English for some years when I first taught there. Very glad that I have the occasion to thank her for my time there. It was the place that I had developed most as a teacher, and she gave me alot of opportunity to do so ; without which, I would be a much 'poorer' teacher.

I regretted not having sought the opportunity to thank and keep in touch with some people that had had a significant effect, in particular my primary 6 teacher, whom I think is no longer around. Some day, i will write about her.

I still keep in touch with the retired P who had also nurtured me alot. So having this opportunity to renew ties with this lady means alot to me. She also went through bereavement these last 2 years.

Actually, I was closest to the other vp,(Mrs Tan CL) who passed away in service in 1995. It left a deep mark on me that I will never forget. It was with her, that I worked out the pastoral care and career guidance program. Though she was a vp, she sat in the staff room with us in the old school at cairnhill road, and I was next to her for 3 years. She knew the staff well and all our working style and habits, and was very wise in the way she dealt with people. Alot of discretion, giving room for growth. Her caring heart and wisdom taught me alot. I really missed her when we moved into the new school, and she had her vp room in July 1994.

She died suddenly, after returning from a holiday in 1995, caught a virus that attacked her heart, and died within a day after she returned to Singapore. Her husband is a doctor. I was not in Singapore then. The sense of devastation and grief to the school was undescribable.

I remembered a month later, the P asked me to help her clear the vp's room. They were very close. It was painful to go through the letters and cards of thanks she had received, including from me. That room was left empty for a year. I can understand now why the P did that. Why she left everything intact for so long. It must have hit her very very hard.

Many memories came back, mostly pleasant. And watching scgs dance is always a treat. They are as always, in a class of their own here.
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and as break ends... this june series of almost daily diverse and random meanderings including many shots at creative writing that dont quite meet the mark will end....... the next serial should be in december (will include my art-work then!) ....

my new sem resolution: pick up music again (and spend time practising!!!!!) and go back before 6pm (when no meetings); try some exercise.... keep up vitamins( headaches is now 9 out of 42 days, not bad ;) ) ... and keep up with friends not just in holidays....

ok, will still write randomly... but will be very random.... writing is really very addictive...

End June series

June Break is almost gone....

except meeting up with a few good friends, i didnt move out of my 'safety zone' which is still my place and school... and now suddenly the break is gone... i realised i did not settle anything...

what have i been doing? writing, and writing.... u dont need company when u write, and you dont feel too lonely even when u are so alone...
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i had intended to use this break to clear mum's place with sk and had booked a long stretch of leave to do so.... But one short round with sk in the first week was more than enough for me, and i cancelled most of my leave... Had to go thru a second round when B1 and J2 came down to help the first fri of the break... and i dont want to clear any more....

i do not want to force myself to face the pain... i have lived my life, ruled by duty... by nature i am not disciplined... but by circumstance... i learnt discipline...and that is probably why i can distinguish between drive and discipline... i dont need to be so harsh with myself anymore, i think...

I knew earlier i was not ready for it... i was right... i needed more time... it doesnt seem to make any sense to let a place remain empty... i know ... i need time....

i think i will be pushed sooner or later... but till then, i dont have to push and cause pain to myself.

i try not to write about 'family' (apart from sk) anymore... ... some things will never be settled... and what never met can never meet....

childhood harms and hurts had left permanent breaches and scars... but i will always remember that through them all, I knew the grace of God.... i am not bitter, but....
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whatever. when i see every kid, i just want to see them happy and positive...to grow up happy and positive.

someone asked me how does it feel to have helped in building foundation for so many young people... i thought that was a good question... except i didnt think that much actually...

though i think alot, i am not a 'planner' or 'strategician'. Thats why i lose in all board games. I cant play chess. I hate to second guess what others intended move.
(sigh! i was introduced to the game blockus, and lost even though all the other players, all math teachers of course :(, tried to give way to 'help' me...)

i just know life is to be lived, and a child is to be taught and loved... thats all...

i have noticed how many 'illiterate' parents especially mothers are very much loved by their children. They didnt have high flown ideas, not having much education, but they showered their families with love, usually shown through cooking a good home meal... and their children grew up to love them even though they dont understand a thing about what their children are doing....

thats all it needs, love and care, and teaching of simple values, that do not need high sounding edcuation...
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sigh, june break is almost gone....

I still miss you...

Why is it that even after talking to you…
Even after seeing you…

I still miss you.

dylan lee

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When I saw these short lines in dylan's blog
[footnote: he has been writing many many poems... and these was a rare 3 liner from his writings],

the immediate natural response these word evoked, was to continue from there, and these are the lines i added in cohesion and contrast...

Why is it even after silence is the only conversation with you…
Even after not wanting to see you…

I still miss you.


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life is full of contradictions, and rationalisation and feelings just dont meet. The whys to both questions are actually easily answered rationally, quite obviously.

In both cases, the person who query knows the answer. Then why ask the question? and what is the difference between the two cases?

I just came back from sk's place, and in one of the tv program, the actor said

喜欢一个人就是喜欢，没有理由的。

and I thought of the 2 sets of 3 liners, and said to myself, this is the answer to the whys actually... there is no difference between the 2 cases ... because the answer to both is actually the same...

except possibly the second set is more poignant...
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In my pensive mood... thanks, dylan for giving me the 感触....

just to say...

Am quite tired...but must record this...because i do want to remember this...

it was really good to have sy back and full of ideals... felt refreshed and renewed zest for teaching all over again....

today after a very, very, very long time... i feel keen to explore new ideas again....
felt invigorated! :) rekindled that smouldering spark within........ :)... i got back late (hadnt felt like working at all the past weeks) and ploughed through many math books for ideas...didnt find any suitable... but it feels good just to think, dream, explore possibilities....

feels happy again, and seeing gerlynn, bernard, and other y5 today was good... and seeing gerlynn's msg was even better! Thanks!

何 必 呢？

心里一片荒野，无奈，好无奈。。。


若

看者所看的是纸上的数字，

你何必太过认真？

若

听者所听的是自己的理论，

你何必给与意见？

若


谈者所谈的是他规定的计划，

你何必坚持理想？

若

他人无心， 你又何必处处相让，为他着想， 委屈自己？


道不同，不相为谋 , 你又何必心软？


若

孩子有志气， 任何境况， 都会成长的，你何必为他们担忧？


他们会像好娃娃，自己跌倒，自己爬。

拿得起， 要放得下。


你何必犹豫不决，前思后顾?

Kind/Helpful...Drive/Discipline...Pride/Dignity

Nearly 2 years ago, i threw the following questions at 303 in our mentoring session...

Is a helpful person also a kind person?
Can a kind person be unhelpful?
There were varied response and illustrations. i didnt have an answer then... was probing for one... and liked to hear from them. Zl had said that a person who is helpful may just be doing it because it was just on the way, so just help. That is not kindess. I think we more or less concluded a kind person is not necesarily always helpful; and a helpful person is not necessarily kind.

2 years later, i still ponder over it but am more conclusive now.

Kind and Helpful are inter-related. Kindness is the quality, helpfulness is the outcome. It just cannot be otherwise. Disregard the random cases. Both are lovely traits. They co-exist.
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How does one distinguish between discipline and drive? One that has a strong drive to achieve usually has the 'discipline' to propel himself/herself forward. But does that mean the person is 'discipline'?

I remembered telling my students (including 403), discipline is not doing what you want to do, but doing what you have to do, even if you dont like to do it. You see atheletes, sportsman, artistes etc taking the most punishing training to attain to their goals, that calls for discipline. Yet they show prima donna behaviour. is that consistent with discipline?

Discipline itself implies self-control, temperance.

How would one distinguish? I guess if extrinsic goals/rewards/ attainments are removed, how many would go through the same rigour for duty sake would help distinguish? Without motivation, would there be discipline? I dont have the answer.

The next question is : is there any need to distinguish? To me, it helps both to know yourself especially , and also to understand and guide others.

In helping kids, u see how some just cant seem to be able to help themselves. U can let them flounder and drown. U can throw them a temporary life-line. But unless they somehow assimilate the importance of 'controlling' their will or 'subjecting' their will, the life-line is really temporary.--------------------------------------------

pride takes different forms... there is pride vs humility....

there is the dignity where one takes pride in ones efforts/ ones works... not becos of extrinsic reward, but it is an attitude... always do ones best...

dignity is a kind of self respect... it is not related to success/ external valuation. It is the worth of a person as a person in himself/herself. In this generation measured by all sorts of indicators, gpa, cap, and what have u, this aspect relating to the worth of ones character is not understood.

People like the cleaning auntee, the conscientious security guard, and Mr Soon, my "old man" contractor... these hold themself with a respectable dignity. I listened to their stories (some of which are very very long) and most people regard their words as mundane and repetitive... but beneath these stories are long years of hardship and perseverence...

10, 20 , 30 years down the road, when you have attained success, or successes have eluded you.... will it affect the value of your person?

If it does, it would also affect how you view and respect others and their dignity.-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Lord grant me grace that I will not change... that my valuation remains simple, and grounded on the qualities of humanity: to be kind and helpful, to have inward discipline,not ruled and driven by external causes; always take pride in my efforts however miniscule and insignificant; to have dignity to the end.

kyc said her mum said to her, until a person reached the end of their lives, they cannot say what turns and twists yet await them. So dont gloat at others, nor despair in downturns. It takes experience to give these words of wisdom. And to kyc's commendation, it takes a learning heart to hear these words with the inward ear and bear in mind.

So whilst young, build and root yourself in good grounds. At some time of your life, you will stray. This is life. Some stray more than others. But the values of your youth and guiding thoughts will lead you home when you somehow awake from your meanderings... dont despise words distilled from the school of life...

Silence is Golden....

When I was a child, I remembered hearing this song very often (sung by the tremolos or sth like that). The last week or so, this song keeps coming back to me.... the chorus goes like this:

Silence is golden, but my eyes still see;
Silence is golden, golden; but my eyes still see

If you were to read the 2 key sentences, they seemed unrelated. What has silence got to do with sight? Actually it has, and it makes alot of sense, and very often all of us at one time or other go through such phases.

The context of the story of the song is the concern this chap has for a girl who is being taken for a ride by her boyfriend. This chap knew it, and obviously cared for her, but knew it was unwise to say anything. This is the context.

Actually it holds much truth in alot of situations. there is a time for everything. If words would not have the effect, would not be heard or would not be trusted, or will cause more hurt than good, than the adage 'Silence is golden' is indeed true. It takes time, consideration, experience, wisdom to exercise it.

He keeps silent, but it is evident he cares alot....
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my next thought naturally is to translate it. If one were to translate it directly without thinking, it would read thus:

沉 默 是 金，但 是 我 的 眼 睛 还 是 看 得 见.

This is strictly incorrect. Silence is golden, not gold. But there is no appropriate adjectival phrase for gold in chinese. In this context, it is really a comparison between Silence and Words. So to me, the better translation for the first statement would be:

沉 默 是 金 语 .
In translation you sometimes have to add/subtract to bring it closer to the meaning of the context.

The next statement is much harder. The intention of the writer is not to say he has the ability to see literally, but rather in his position, he can see alot of things both literally and metaphorically. He knows the situation better than the girl.

But in translation, you also cannot put in your own interpretation when the intention is meant to be subtle. There is a need to be faithful to the original text. Well, this is my best attempt so far below:


Silence is golden, but my eyes still see;

Silence is golden, golden; but my eyes still see

沉 默 是 金 语 . 但，我 目 视 一 切。

沉 默 是 金 语 , 是 金 语. 但，我 目 视 一 切。


There is a time, that silence is indeed golden....

找回自己吧 !

why does one have the awful sense of failure when one has sincerely done ones best?

it means a few things:

1) you are in the wrong place

2) your best is not good enough

3) your sense of being is based on wrong criteria

4) you allow extrinsic valuation to affect you

5) you compare against people much more capable than yourself

6) you cant accept yourself

7) you put too much heart in all that you do

8) all the above

sigh! you were not like that. 找 回 自 己 吧 !

One headline in today newspaper reads.. Five die in another family crash (malaysian family)

The gentleman in his fifties, died together with his 23 yr old son, 2 teenage daughters, and his mother-in-law in a road accident. His wife and 2 other teenage children are badly injured. Tragic. The papers showed a photo of the family of 8 and they looked such a warm happy family, and they must be, for all of them were together in the car, back from a trip.

I cant imagine how devastated the lady must be, losing her mother, husband and 3 children in a moment.... it is easy to read... but her pain is unimaginable... not to add her own bad injury and that of her other 2 children. Equally painful for the surviving daughter studying in UK. Overnight, everything changes. This is really tragic.

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treasure those we have... love forbears all ... dont take any in the family for granted...

Falling Leaves....

Falling Leaves

Sweeping wind,

Unleashing Storm

…..dispersing dreams…

Passing time

Swirling fears

Weakening strength

Diffusing years......

Pain Unseen

Tears Unshed

Words Untold

Cries Unheard

 

Weaving hopes

Waving hands

Warming hearts

 

…..Waning hence ....

 

This poem was penned 7 March 2000, 0700 hours, Paterson Road, on the way to school, seeing falling leaves in brewing storm... the year i was going to leave scgs... scgs was like a family to me...but personal circumstance led to this premature departure.... alot of things could not be said.... could only summed up many things in my life at that point with these 32 words...








This is the only poem (apart from those in this blog) that I wrote and kept. I dont write many poems, only at turning points...But as a literature student in Sec3 and 4, I wrote a few, and got a merit award at an international writing competition for 2 poems I submitted: Tranquility in Pain; and Trapped.



Unfortunately at a very low point, I tore away those few works... they were quite distinct actually...



hope to get inspiration to start my own collection, though i do prefer to write in chinese... in fewer words, it is more succinct...

Touch of Humour: 407 (2010)

Actually 407(2010) has very interesting and colourful characters... of course when it comes to chasing for work, u do have to chase.

The only thing Mr Yee said abt the class was, they are nice...there is only one problem... they dont hand in their work on time. I looked at him, abit incredulous. That is a BIG problem!!!

However, most of the lessons were quite lively and eventful, though i cant say i get as much accomplished as I would wish to. There are a couple of incidents that were quite funny, and must keep in record... actually quite a few... but i remembered only these 2:
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in one lesson, it was obvious to me the 2 chaps at the back were in a world on their own. One of them was grinning from ear to ear, and no normal person grins at math lesson! So i stopped and said:

" YX, why are you laughing?"

The response was rather quick.

" I was tickling myself."

????!!!????
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In another lesson, I was quite vehement about the need to show all intermediate steps.

I illustrated with an example, and this chap said, " But I can do that mentally."

I explained why it was necessary to be explicit in the working, and went on with another example, and the same chap said " I prefer to do that mentally."

It was rather annoying, especially when he does show his working most of the time, and the reminder was not for him.

The he proceeded to ask about a question related to math.

I ignored him, and went on with my lesson. 5 minutes later, I turned round to that chap, and asked him,

"So, did you understand my reply to your question?"

He looked at me bewildered, as did the class.

Then I said to him, "I replied you mentally. Didnt you get it?" :0ooo
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its been enjoyable teaching this class... and yes, i will miss them... nevertheless I am the temporary surrogate mother for mr yee, so the child must go back to his parent.

Now that term will start in a week's time, its going to be a new start again....hence reminiscing of events in the past sem...

friends...

'Holidays' is a time for friends... i dont have many... but those i have, they are true friends...

3 weeks of june 'hols' is almost over.... have seen Mdm F twice.... quite heart-rending....but she is a brave lady, knowing her end is coming, and facing it positively. will be seeing her again soon... i have to acknowledge i need the strength and courage also to see her through this phase...

Met el today for breakfast at botanics... i arrived first... and recalled the 2 times i was here with mum... that was painful.

el is one of the very very very few that i can utter these words to her... she reminded me not to keep thinking of the things i didnt do for mum... remember there were many factors... mustnt go on like that... i told her not that i wanted to... but certain places, certain things, like that herbal soup at lunch some weeks ago... that choking feeling just come....

we talked for a good 4 hours... we shared many common bonds and values in education...we are not an extinct breed yet :) .... it was a very good time... very meaningful... i only wish i have more opportunity to pass on to the young... and hope there will yet be people that will catch the vision...

before we parted, she reminded of the many practical things she knows I would overlook to see to... thanks alot...

at the moment, prob wont do anything... i hope i will have until end next year to look for a place, before the enbloc takes over.... when it does, that is half a century of my home...... a house once full... i will be the only one that will be leaving it....

if i can be within walking dist from sk, then there will be a kind of 'family' nearer for me. Actually both sk and bil have asked me to move in, but tiger and brownee is my first consideration. They are at the 10th level, with no grilles etc, its too dangerous... also not fair to zl and zg...

Have been thinking these few weeks...Best not to rush...Somehow, there should be a way.

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was suppose to meet te tomorrow, but by a turn of events, we met for late lunch today instead.

whilst waiting for te, was fiddling and just entered blog, and was very pleasantly surprised to read dylan's note. it made my day!:) Not that he (or anyone) needed to say anything... they will mean the same to me always... but it was a sweet balm nevertheless

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another good exchange with te. another brave lady... and very kind... will miss her alot... we are the few early birds... but she is a young bird... hope she soars high...

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must open up my 'world'... it was possible to live in reclusion from others with mum around.

I know it is no longer possible... actually the problem is really me. old classmates had wanted to meet through the years, and i had declined... and they are really very nice people, brought up by the same values... i had felt inferior cos they came from very stable and well-to-do background... the contrast was very stark to me... the issue was myself...

kuech managed to get me to meet up with mag, and i guess i will open up more...

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te was surprised about me blogging and allowing it to be seen...

I told her why i set this blog up...firstly, writing is in my soul...

actually, coming to a school of hard sciences, it accentuates the difference between the 2 disciplines... i do love math, really for the subject itself, within my level... i didnt teach it becos it is a teaching subject... i really see math as a training of the mind... and there is beauty in numbers, in graphs... and i do get excited teaching it. :)

but i think my soul is incline toward the humanities... and this aspect is really stifled in systems. Creativity, liberty seem to run contrary to hard sciences... sigh!

my favourite subjects in school: math, chinese, literature... and subsequently from jc, economics...so i think, i am really very humanities based... and i guess that may be a reason for the vast differences in views sometimes.

secondly, it was the kids that helped me set up the blog...

actually, i knew mum will go... i knew i wont make it on my own out of the tunnel... i needed a cause to live for... and i dont see them often at all... it helps to remember the kids... to set an example especially when the troughs are very very low... and it helped me to encourage myself and push myself on in my thoughts and writing....

it is more than 4 months since mum is gone... and this blog has been my companion through many many many lonely days and nights, 130 to be precise.

i am actually thinking of getting a tv; but i was telling te, dont know whether i can stand watching tv on my own... used to do it with mum...

whatever... i must move on...

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i have been thinking these last couple of years abt community work and had hoped to do sth with 403, but there was a change in system, no longer by mentor class, so didnt worked out. Had been looking out what to do. Met ss last week, and he in turn asked me to inform him if i had any idea. Having given thought, some 'draft' plan came up. Bounced it to st yesterday and el today... was glad they were positive abt the plan... st thought the plan was interesting...

el thought it was viable and understood what i mean... i know i have the gift of teaching... as years will inevitably catch up, it would be impossible to take a system... but if i conduct classes on voluntary basis, and get inroads to the underprivileged for these classes, i can reach out to those who need it... and not be subject to systems... (actually materialising will not be that easy... but i am quite resourceful when i want to :) )

el advised me to shelf it first and get the Masters done. that will give more options in the latter years when some part-time income may be needed, and not just fall back on tuition. el is always wiser and more practical than me.

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friends are people u can have meaningful conversations; u can say something, u can say nothing, they understand...

friends are people we stand by and walk together....

there are friends that cant be with us; but u know they are friends....

chij motto...continue...

If ten, twenty, thirty years and more... you can look back and remember that your school has nurtured values in you, you remembered the motto, the educators of the past would be gratified.... and you are very fortunate!
Like me, you have a wonderful education, not built upon vain glories.
I remembered one interview i had with an independent school when it first started in Spore, I was asked certain questions, and i was open and frank with what i felt. I didnt want to give politically correct reply and be unhappy when i teach in the school.
I said to my interviewers, I will nurture the students the way I had been nurtured and cared. I will not take any action that will infringe the rights of a student. That was in 1989. That kind of statement at that time will never be accepted. Of course, I wasnt offered. And i have no regrets.
In all things to thy own self be true.
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whether you have had such an education, if you are an educator, and values (and not kpi) is your inner vision, and you have the courage and sacrifice, then though you may not see or hear it now, there will be a voice like mine decades later that thank you for your heart in nurture and education. And a true educator will feel his/her life has brought meaning to some...

simple in virtue, steadfast in duty

this is my school motto... a motto that guided generations of chij girls...

six words, actually only 4, the other 2 are prepositions.. but a world of wisdom... and these are words so 'simple', few would pay attention or think in depth over them... but in such simplicity... gems, true gems in them....

there were no computers, much less internet or hp at my time, but we were a generation of greater depth.
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yes, i cant sleep... pondering... pondering of decision, of paths, of past, of present... of unknown future... and as i toss and turn, asking myself what do i want...

i got out of bed to write these entries because I want to remember these reflections:

the inner voice within echo through the mind and soul... simple in virtue, stedfast in duty.

whatever i do, i want to be able always to keep the motto of my alma mater: simple in virtue, yes, goodness, virtue is not for broadcast, not for show....

and in all that needs to be done... to be stedfast to see it to the end... not for man to see.
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i dont want to lose what my alma mater has imbued in me. This is true education, the salience of which very very very few truly understand.

i sincerely thank my school... my principal in particular and all the teachers who cared, truly cared... who showed by example the value of education : care and service to the underprivileged; to think in depth and have the courage to question... (Lee wei ling wrote an article abt Mr Ernest Lau, her uncle cum tutor, who left his indelible mark in her, i wanted to write to her, to say that is education, and i did have that in my school)... not that content was well taught... but it was a living environment of values and growth... the nurturing of the inward is so much more in focus, and cannot but result in the fruition of outward results...

the happiest days of my life... the years in school... whose motto is: Simple in Virtue, Stedfast in Duty. ... as long as i remain an educator... i will abide by this sublime motto.

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Two roads diverged,and I took the one less taken...

actually the skin of the blog was one of the first that gerlynn sent to me when i told her what was in my mind... she sent others subsequently... but i stuck to this one....

in its own way, it is symbolic.... though actually in life, i didnt make many major decisions for myself... circumstance ruled... not that i live 'by fate'... there are some who had said i was fatalistic...

i am not. i know that. i just want simplicity and contentedness. but it does run contrary to my inner drive...

but in spore, edn is such that we see the phases linked and the 'natural' path to university... and with my teaching bursary.... only way to support myself thru education... i ended up teaching... actually not by choice. But like arranged marriage, sometimes things not by choice can be the right way...

sk asked me 3 days ago, why i didnt do the masters i had wanted to do earlier... yes i really wanted to... after 3 years teaching i was bored, did rsa diploma... i was bored again... but i asked her, with dad down with stroke even before i turned 30, there was not enough income from my teaching pay to sustain home, i had to give tuition most nights to supplement, how could i had managed... she kept quiet...

i dont begrudge it... i would have felt awfully guilty if i had put my own wants first.... as it is i wished i had given dad more...

in that i never let circumstance rule; i am not fatalistic, i dont believe in good luck or bad luck; i believe in hard work, and working meaningfully. i never gambled, never bought shares, never took part in lucky draws... i never wanted what was not borne of my own labour.

i find it hard, i admit, to be patient with those who are always complaining others have more than them, and they deserve more? Why? no one in life owes me a living. i see unfairness, and shrugged it off. no amount of unfairness will change the value in oneself. And i deem that of more value.

and i wont change circumstance just to make it 'better'... known evil is better than unknown evil...

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but when path is diverging, it is different....
had deliberately seek out people to talk, to see if i could feel direction.... i realised in the end i have to pave and walk my own path...

the 3 definites in my journey:
tiger and brownie is top in consideration: they have been my faithful companions, most loyal and forbearing;
ls and ky,my companions in this earthly pilgrimage;
and sk, the best sister anyone can have.

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i know my present road is diverging... so many considerations; so many sentiments... for bonds forged and treasured.

the head is clear in its reasonings... but the heart tugs... by year end, i will know whether head or heart rule... but life experiences consistent with all my past decisions... the head will rule...

so i must suffer further pains of heart at this time before embarking on the next phase....

what can be lost was not yours in the first place... what is stable, and of weight will remain...

scgs is also the acronym of its motto: sincerity, courage, generosity, service. A student of much depth, now an outstanding journalist, remembered what i said to the class... of all the 4 qualities... when they grew up... it is courage that they would need most. i said that 17 years ago...

Courage to take the road less taken...

I miss 403...

Just drop by gerlynn's blog, as I do from time to time.... to see how the young people are.... we are really mountains apart....in every way.... but it is very lovely to see them so happy and bubbling with life and vitality....

and she wrote 'I miss 403....'

Yes, so do I.... what i will miss most when nush days end for me:

1) 303/403....

i was really very very lucky to have this class... to this day, I remember the first time i met some of them in dec 2007 induction... ji eun asking questions;junyan looking timid; quzhi declaring he will be taking spore citizenship....

and the very first day i met them during orientation.... and the days thereafter.

I dont need photographs to capture the memories... like seeing stuart doing the dominoes at nus amazing race, seeing gerlynn 'throwing tantrum' on the floor, going to the nus labs for amazing race and the strange riddles...all of which stuart tang could answer and i wondered why.... weijin leaving his hp or wallet in the bus and was late... bernard looking for me becos they found kittens playing hide and seek!!! kashing, aikann and dylan trying to mislead me who is who...and aikann acting as a 'maid' in the skit...;

first sem wasnt that easy actually with them cos well, i guess, some really didnt take on to me...and i really really thought they didnt like me; i felt i was too old to teach actually and felt very inferior cos the teachers here were all so young....

but i think toward the end, all did? :) They always made me happy....their greeting was always so cheery; they did funny things, didnt seem to understand when to be serious when they should, and i have learnt to tone down things that are not of their 'maturity level'.... and honestly, most of them didnt really worked that hard... had they, they could have done very well....

but they were happy to do just okay... the important thing was they were happy, and contented... that was the beautiful part of them. ...

They dont (at least most) dont compete for glory, but they were motivated when they want to; cant say they do their best in projects....standard was really disappointing...

But they were happy....and very contented, and it is lovely to see when all around people are so discontent...

and they were really cooperative... i never had problem with attendance, temperature taking etc.... we were almost always the first to submit! :) Good sprint, aik ann.

i like module survey.... it helped communicate that after all the kids did know i care, that they did understand... and knowing that they accept me, and do receive what I taught them at ace especially was very encouraging, and gave me a lot of confidence to teach... actually confidence is vital in teaching... just as confidence is very important in any performance.... with confidence, you can soar about your own limits.....

i really owe it to 303/403... for helping me build up my confidence... in particular the humility shown by kashing in his quiet pointing out of a different method or inconsistencies.... he may be 'loud' and naughty.... but he was always unassuming about his abilities... very admirable.

Not that i didnt like 407 and 408. Well 407 got a brilliant Ryan that is far above my ability...and i was too concious of that .... and 408 was fun.... i enjoyed them and actually did like them... but i think i didnt mean much to them.... somehow i felt i was not good enough to teach them...

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2) 2008 sem 1

it was a struggle to adjust, to pitch, to understand the school system, and to teach the kids well. I withdrew from the Masters course at that time...

had i not, I would have completed it by now... nevertheless i have no regrets for the decision... i wouldnt have done my best for the kids and school, and i would have hated that... i entered into a new unknown zone.. and i should put in my best.

i did feel inferior to many, if not all of them both in age, qualification and ability and that was quite hard to overcome. I felt age was a real liability, the butt of many jokes, which they didnt seem to realise is rather cruel, a thing i never did when i was young. Some of the remarks really hurt and yes, i remember....... still...

but my course was alway kept in focus.... what education means to me, what being an educatior is, and well they are young....

That sem however was the best sem in my nush days i concentrate fully and only on teaching, was always up to date with marking; kept to myself, and really enjoyed the team I was working with.... they were varied and very refreshing... i felt very comfortable.... and yes, happy...

Life was relatively uncomplicated... didnt get drawn into anything... I consciously made sure of that.....i just stayed at my place and just work... very few managed to get me out to even eat a meal... only the one or two that i was really comfortable with... i was contented then....

there was no conflicts with anyone; not too many issues that i bother with, no clashes of ideologies, working was consultative and harmonious... i looked forward to work everyday... was in school early, usually by 0630, and never need to stay past 5 unless there were meetings/special occasions.....

there were many good conversations and sharings... this period will remain a time i will miss.

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(3) Through phases of difficulties, i met some wonderful people....kyc I will always remember to be among the first to help me over a very rough patch by showing she cared; cvl for understnd and empathy; ld for the special bond; sy for another special bond in our common love and feel for teaching; and many more, more than in any place i have been... i will miss them, very much

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i understand gerlynn's declaration.... some things are past and gone; it is poignant as those moment of joys ... time does not allow us to turn things back... but that we have lovely memories alone, is a joy.and a pain..

For me, when i left teaching in 2000, i never thought i would have this chance of feeling the joy of teaching again. Though things had not been the way one had wished... the feeling that I have had the chance to feel the joys of teaching, of being in a school, and a very good school, I am really very blessed indeed.

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It is good that we miss things/people.... it shows the humanity in us... that we care and feel...

犹豫

每次碰面，得硬着心肠，不友善，最终难为自己

何必犹豫，犹豫之因，莫非想挽回，

脑海回忆昔日单纯的交流，无忌的漫谈。。。


受不了情势考验，友谊何在？


是挽不回了，舍不得也得舍，

犹豫 也无谓。。。

还是作理智的决定吧。。。

惋惜，珍惜，挽回，感慨

单面的珍惜。。。心底好难受。。。

断肠的惋惜。。。尽抑制掩隐。。。

今 日 碰 面。。。 感 慨 万 分。。。心 怀 昔 日。。。

曾盼望时间能调和， 可惜志不合。。。

曾期待关怀能化解，好想挽回， 可惜挽不回。。。


毕竟度过一段友好时光。。。

毕竟彼此曾有过默契。。。

悲欢哀乐虽短暂。。。也算是缘分。。。

夕阳无限好， 可惜近黄昏。。。

天下无不散之宴席。。。

还是衷心地为友人祝福。。。

尽了心，尽了力。。。感叹缘已尽。。。

.....潇洒地，坚决地，返回孤独村吧.....

Rule over one's own spirit...

In my mid/late twenties, this verse in the Scriptures struck me deeply:

" He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls."
i pictured a desolate city, invaded, broken down, no defence...

why? because one has no rule over oneself...

I was very much affected by moods, and temperament in turn affects judgement and decision. This is not what I want to be. If I want to be a person I can respect, if I want to be a support, and yes, a leader behind the scene, I need to rein in my temperament.

I have a wild 'streak' in myself, and can be reckless...

Life taught many precious lessons; And consciously, in solitude, in quietude, one learns... I remember the late Mrs Tan Chee Lian saying to me ( I was 31/32), it is important not to show how you feel. Not so much to hide. More to consider others. I remembered every pearl of wisdom from people with experience...

and i worked diligently to have rule over my own spirit, and was very harsh with myself...and with years i attained a composure that held up even in storms... and i can respect myself.

I am thankful I exercise that self-restraint.

With self-restraint, moods, irascibility, unreasonableness are far removed.... and better, clear and objective judgement comes in. You learn to consider things from various viewpoints. Objectivity became my strength. People credit it to my 'strong analytical ability'. Actually, the source is rein within. This quality is not stressed these days because people want to do what they think and like. They dont realise that it is precisely their thoughts and ways that lead to subjectivity and lack of good judgement.

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This entry seems very random... i was quite upset earlier...because i had a bad disappointment when i realised i was left out of some learning opportunity.... for some moments, I was very disappointed... i value every occasion to learn, and to learn from people with experience...

pc knew and understood and could only say..practise your zen skill...no point getting upset...

i had difficulty doing so...for many reasons...

but when i review some hours later, whether the reasons were valid or not... it is nothing....

value of learning is in the learner... applying what one learns is in the person...

value is not in the attendance...u can still learn through understanding...

i have seen people grasping opportunities for themselves, always looking for freebies etc etc...but they neither gain, nor are happy...
just like delivering of a lesson... it lies in the heart...those like-minded will somehow communicate.... external process is only a mode...

what appears to be 'losses' is never losses....no one loses if one seeks for true value... and one's learning path can never be restricted by anything...

and good to know who really seeks your growth and welfare...

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...encourage yourself and learn from every circumstance...ssh...

have restraint... and liberty of spirit...yes, seemingly contradiction of terms, but actually very true... because when one rises above superficial consideration...one is free from conventions....

... am glad to be at peace from the earlier disappointments ...

especially at this time...its been very hard these few days.. the spirit is full of conflicts and pain...expect these few weeks to be very rough within...

the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.