silver linings...

in the midst of maze, look beyond the mist, and see every silver linings....

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over these past 2-3 weeks, at different time, the kids wrote. Each time, getting the notes/cards even today, it adds quiet joy.

Today, when the final math paper started, i was surprised to receive a card with sincere words of thanks from 7 teachers. And tokens from two of them. And some of us took breakfast together and had a good chat. I was gratified.

I am acutely aware of days catching up, and diminishing energy. I really want to pass on the craft of teaching. If I can but kindle 2 to 3 teachers who can pass on to other teachers, it would do more. than i can on my own......but where are the avenues? i dont want to do it through the 'academic" way, or via 'workshops'/'conferences'. I know the only way is to work amongst them, and set the example. Example is better than precepts. 

For whatever that had not gone right this year, at least in this respect, I was able to fulfil what i wanted. I dont know how it would be seen or received. I only know always to uphold the mantra 'Simple in virtue, Steadfast in Duty'  and to do my best for the kids each day.

Honestly, i totally didnt expect the show of comradeship today.  It warms the heart and made the departure pleasant...of a sense of having done the duty of the day...of the year.

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i know myself well, and know its necessary to keep myself 'occupied', so i arranged to see kyc whom i have not seen for a long time. honestly, i almost thought of calling it off, as the spiral creeps in. But she had text to say she was looking forward to it....

it was a lovely catchup, a chat we hadnt had for a long long time. whilst getting lunch to her place, when i parked my car at the carpark, it brought back memories of one of my chats with her at exactly the same place, some 4 years ago. It was a very low period then, and though she didnt understand the depth i was in then, the sweetness and kindness she showed, just by being a person who care, brought alot of warmth. And i remembered she text me thereafter. Her sweet messages i kept for many months to tide through the billows then.

Since she is a mother of one, we hadnt had much time to talk. And with two more to come soon, she will be having more than a handful to manage. It was good to meet up, and really in essence, the bond remains sweet. It is really such a pleasure to have such friendship.

Then as always, my faithful friend ld. So thankful he has finally seen the end of his masters. It has been a rough road for him. This has been another very lovely bond. Not one that I had expected it at the start, since I started out mentoring him to teach. i have noted that most young people who proclaim to want to learn, never last long in their frame of learning. I have also learnt to have no expectations. Those who want to learn, will learn.

But ld has shown himself to be very different, with an excellent spirt of learning, and most of all, his high sense of conscientiousness in his preparation, in teaching, in integrity, whatever the adversities.

I thought to myself, as I drove back, I had in jest  claimed to 'adopt' both kyc and ld some years ago, and we were known at one time as the 'family of mother and children'. Meeting both of them today brought back many happy moments. It has truly been a meaningful bond.

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kuech text me asking me some weeks ago when i will join her for walks again. I appreciate that. ....Have arranged for it tomorrow. I know she and cl are also concern that i should have some foothold....we are not close, but i know they care...

Every sincere touch of friendship from genuine hearts is warm....

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listening to a duet now. the rendering of an oldie by steven ma and albert au 沉默是金.....i like duets.... in songs, in music playing.....

Good duets allow each vocals to show their distinctness, yet not overshadowing the other...contrasting and harmonising through the melody.....you can almost feel the bond....true friendship is like doing a good duet....just like this piece...my favorite.

its strange, of all the languages, i like cantonese songs best Same with shows. I realised my childhood impacted me very deeply.... Cantonese is really a beautiful dialect, witty and intelligent, and depth in expressions. actually its really strange cos, i learnt cantones through the tv shows when i was a child. Its not my dialect at all. The speak mandarin campaign eradicated dialects, and few there be that know dialects now. I am glad to be able to retrace the language that i love....and quiet pieces by these 2 exceptional (to me) singers.

thus end 30 october 2012 

miscellaneous....and choices

since there was no lesson today, and most of the kids will be having exam on another subject, i decided to take the day off.

Its now quite hard to get into the mindset of the readings. although i have tried to keep that up, i realised to start writing seriously, i really need to immerse into it, and i am still unsettled with the kids exams still hovering. Time is running out, i know....hope somehow i can warm up to it...

havent seen alot of people for some time, and lunch was pre-arranged for catching up. Ironically, the person who arranged it couldnt turn up. It was good to see the others though, 5 of them, more than i had expected. It was nice to see all of them, but conversations were kept at surface level, cos not all are close buddies. And it always centre on education...

Lunch was at this new place called Star Vista? I was so proud of the fact that i actually got to a new mall (opened just a couple of weeks?). Buddy knew i am always 'left behind' in new things, so, he would always try to get me to 'somewhere new'. Yes, i really missed the company.

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Later in the day, it was good to catch up with Y. Though we had met a couple of times in education events, we had not caught up with conversation. Y was my student from my second school, nearly 20 years back, and now a teacher herself. I was surprised and glad she remembered the lessons in school, the debates, the discussions, the community projects that the class did, when there was no such thing as cip. What was introduced as new 'programs'  in her school, she did not see them as new as that was her experience in school. She realised now that alot of things that were in the lessons at her time were never in the 'O' level requirements.  She remarked that i had not changed after all these years.

I must say, that is a consolation. It was a very tough time when i taught her batch, which was actually my favourite batch of that school. I remembered the many, many trying times, with dad bed bound by stroke, and mum, on the verge of cracking up,  unable to take the strain any further. Maid's levy at that time was 300+, and my pay was very low. Mum didnt want me to bear that extra cost, but she couldnt take it either. And dad was also frustrated at home.

In the end, i had little choice...rather than sending him in and out of hospital to give mum some relief, I had to make the painful choice to put dad to the nursing home to give mum a break. I rarely cried, but that occasion I did, when I accompanied dad to the nursing home. It was heartbreaking to me. I couldnt believe that of all people, i should have to send dad to the nursing home....it just wasnt right....but i had no choice....

Mum was relieved, and in a way that was also what dad wanted. He somehow thought he may be better looked after. He wasnt... though I chose what was one of the best.  And It was exhorbitant, but mum didnt realised that.  I had to turn to sst to help with the cost. It was the first time that I had to open my mouth to ask for help. I had to tell her my bank account had reached nil. It literally reached 0. I had already worked for 9 years then. And yet, it was down to nil, with so many needs yet to meet.....and pressures from other quarters as well....sst was always kind to me.....

I dont how people can leave their folks at 'homes ' for long. It was really painful. I managed to persuade mum to get a maid and took dad back within 3 months.

Teaching then was my consolation. That was 1994 Nov. It was also the O levels at that time....I remembered that scene well... talking to Y, those days came to mind...

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I mentioned to her that was a difficult personal period. She was surprised and said she wouldnt have known at all. She asked how old I was then. I was younger than she is now.....I was really glad. At least, I upheld professionalism.

Y mentioned something quite striking. How professional is teaching? In some professional occupation, to reach a certain level of seniority, there is a need to clock a certain amount of experinece to attain to a level of expertise. And that has to be tested. Medical field in particular. For instance, in an area of specialisation, there must be a stipulated amount of cases for one to acquire the practical experience to reach an expertise level.

It is not unknown that this is not the case in many instances where education field is concerned here.

Whatever.
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In both conversation with my lunch buddies, and to Y, I guess what I am doing this year doesnt make much sense. Especially when there is minimal progress with the dissertation.  I am 'throwing away' my 'career' in teaching in stepping out from an established realm..... to a part-time/relief stint which is occupying me full-time.

But I said to them, and to her, when you received just one of those letters the kids wrote, it is priceless.....  Its really really worth it. 

If I was to make a choice again, I will still make the same choice

3oth June 2012

Technically, this is a half-year mark. End of six months....calls for some sort of review, however superficial...
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 June....

Month on month comparison, this June has been rather pleasant....every week was eventful, meeting up with people, and tying up things....

More significant 'event' includes PL's daughter cw marriage on my bday ~ i saw the girl grew from eleven years old as a P5 girl who gave me the riddle " What did the Big Tomato say to the Small Tomato" , a lame joke i threw to every class ever since...and this little girl has turned to a lovely bride! PL has really been a faithful friend. Seriously, we remain friends more because of her, than because of me. She was incredibly kind, always going out of the way to be so. Whilst she is totally not engaged in 'intellectual' matters, she is down to earth, and in her 'blurness', she gives good simple advice. 18 years or so....

Then there is the tea with K, C, and M, the sum of the years of friendship with each adds up to more than 100... And again, its more because of them, than me. C declared I was never available, and marvelled that K managed to get me out for tea. I have learnt over the past few years, to appreciate kindness that is unsought, and has no demand. I knew K from P1 but we were never close, though we do relate well. Never met when we went our separate ways from JC (as far as i can remember), but she found me in her son's parents teachers meeting. And from then, she made the effort, and was quietly there. The difficult months prior to mum's passing to the final move out of rv, she made periodic effort to check on me. And from then, she widened my circle, first with M, then with C, both my Sec sch classmates. I thought, to many, I 'disappeared', yet somehow, I was remembered. In fact I was quite taken aback by the things C remembered, the books we read, the 'strange' things i did....ahh.... lovely school days....so yes, now that one advanced to a different phase, friendship that survived knocks and trials....is appreciated....in many ways, whilst we differed, yet our values converged....thanks to our alma mater....its really funny when we talked about our teachers....urm sounded like how the kids talked about theirs.....

June is always a time to meet up with EL which is always alot of exchanges, mostly on educational aspects....again, sigh, not intitiated by me....EL was my senior in uni days, then colleague in my second school for ten years, and when i left, she said to me, there wont be a good bye, we will remain friends....and so we did.... i owe much to her loyal friendship, for she ensured that i had proper lunch throughout the turbulent time in those years......yes, another friend that dated back more than 3 decade...

and yes, friends of recent years remain valued, as are the kids from blss esp kt....and nushs...., i guess the constant postings say it all....., every meeting, every communication is valued..... 

my regret is, i lost touch with many of the kids from my inital 15 years of teaching..... i wasnt in a frame to want to be in touch....and did not reply the many letters and emails.....those were years of silence in every sense of the word.....and the very few that wont give up, and keep calling, and writing...these few are still in the circumference of contact....

at 'family' end...i guess i hadnt done well here, though i did managed to meet up with lp and took her and S1 for dinner, and should be meeting up with P n C....and maybe B1? sigh....lack motivation....and there is still sst, whom i would wish to be in touch....

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Sad events...

two deaths....the first hit me very hard, harder than people realised.....

the second...the inevitability of the final phase....my over-riding concern is for ls....and i am thankful that as at this moment, ky and ls had maintained stability. Which is no small consolation to me.

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Pre-occupation....

i was thankful to clear off one after another of the 'tasks' i got myself entangled....and sigh, am still working to clear one more 'task', which needs 30 hours more of work....and it isnt the kind of work i like...requires meticulousness....o well, got to finish it by end aug hopefully...

then the assignment for my last module, which is going to be quite a project, and

sigh....dissertation....i have this feeling L is really unhappy with me by now...sigh.....hopefully, the year end report will bear better tidings in this respect....

but my main challenge is to see how far i can help 78 kids pushed past their threshold....as at this moment, the strategising has paid off ~ the groundwork has been laid, its now keeping motivation, and building momentum....this is likely to be the last time i am going to get myself in this 'exam pursuit' goal system of such a scale, so i intend to do it very well. Its going to be a 4 month marathon, and i hope the kids will want to do it well...and want it more than me....

alot can be accomplished in 4 months...but alot can be de-railed as well....so actually this is my main pre-occupation and focus....and at this moment, i will only say, i am quietly hopeful and confident....but, alot remains to be seen.... 

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Future?

not thinking about it at all. Apart from the clearing of the random tasks, and the main preoccupation that will end oct, the completion of the dissertation is the only thing in sight.

i am quite at peace and at ease with having no path in sight. i have to admit i rather like not being bound, though it is at a price. Even when work piles, i dont push myself like i did before, and that made things less stressful....

i am however in need of alot of exercise....hadnt had time for a single walk......

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Overall, i am thankful, very thankful.......the mercies of the Lord endureth forever.

Ms Sie < 3 403 Event (II)

nothing makes me happier than to hear my kids say they are happy when they stepped into my place....because its a place they can be themselves....with a group of people they are comfortable with.....yes, its like a family.

a family is one that welcomes its members with open arms, there is warmth, there is 亲情。 its not who is 'who' or who did 'what'....its just being who they are....no envy, no jealousy, no hidden intent, no hard feelings....

actually, when i was about to make the transition between rv and this new place, i knew it was too big for me... but somehow, i was thinking, it would be spacious if 403 people come....when i shopped for the settee... i actually thought what would the kids like.... i nearly bought totally bean settee so that they can sprawl all over...then i told myself, better be practical.

ws and ld went wtih me to shop for this sofa set...and i literally spent more than 10 hours over 2 trips before making my choice...i chose this cos of the unusual wooden shelves at either end, which i thought T n B would like....and I actually thought it would be a nice piece for all to squeeze together for a photo take....that was some time in december 2010? To be precise 23 and 25 december.

And to see this photo, which i had conjured in my mind then.... yes, there is a sense of gratification.... at least it is a kind of 'homely' get together for the kids.....
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whilst to them, it is so natural to come in for a gathering....for me, it is really not 'me'. I am well-known for being 'anti-social' from young and avoided class gatherings. I hate small talks. i hardly meet up except with close knit groups. With ex students, only the few that i am comfortable with. Even with colleagues, i was very very selective. My first 2 years in nushs was really with a closed group....which grew....thanks to the much warmth and genuine friendship of so many.....

whether its these kids, or the  very nice people that i knew there, i cant say. i only know they taught me that 天真 does exist; that people can gather without resorting to gossiping or back-biting; there is a spontaneity, a sincerity without being pretentious; a comaraderie without making one feel obligated; a open-ness without compulsion; a carefree spirit without being irresponsible or 'bimbotic' ; a intelligent atmosphere without 'gloating' or showing off; a sense of humour that first begin with being able to laugh at themselves.

No meanness, no hypocrisy, no self-righteousness yet not frivolous, not trivial....

when i first moved in. honestly, i didnt know where i was heading... for actually, i am ultimately, alone. ws was very supportive at that time and kept encouraging me to open up...

she, ld....and vl.... and pl...were super....from these 4 friends, they helped me focus to get the few furniture items...., and dc set up the broadband and IT related stuff....and the place is what it is today...simple, spacious, and homey.

ws helped me to be forward looking...i dreaded 'open house' and didnt know how to 'organise' gatherings....but over these 18 months, this place has been well visited and well used for a few occasions....From one that was in isolation for years, and sought reclusion.... i saw sunlight, felt cheeriness and looked forward every time the kids say they want to visit.....not just this group of kids....the year 4s are also a special bunch to me.

i no longer worry if i need to do anything extra, or that i need to talk to any or every one of them....its just so nice to see them, and to see them chatting away with each other....
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when we are/were young, we categorise our 'friends'...good friends, close friends, best friends, companions, friend we eat with, friends we do certain things with..... and many of these come and go...as life circumstances change....and they will change.... whatever we vouch/vow..... i should know....friends had always been closer to me than my actual blood ties....

what dylan wrote so intuitively about 403 struck me....  its a family...he put it across pointedly and aptly....just as gerlynn mentioned in her post, i was very touched by what he wrote...

yes, thats the family spirit... i hope this family spirit will abide...

a family is one that welcomes its members with open arms, there is warmth, there is 亲情。Yes, thats 403.... :)



i cant say whether it will last...but i know, i value it immensely.....

Auntee

I will begin by relating a meeting with a parent some years back. I like parents teachers meeting. I enjoy meeting parents, to hear them talk about their children, not to tell them about their children. I try to see as many of them as possible, just to understand their kid. Frankly whether they do well or not is incidental. Education is about working together to see the growth of the child, not to discuss "numbers" that become the fixation of many. I agree in some meetings, it is sad. On each occasion however, I would always have a case where I am filled with awe and respect....and this is one of them.

The parent being busy, it was arranged on a weekend. The kid involved is a very lively, interesting, mischieveous kid, whom I am no longer in contact. There is alot to learn from this family, who knew pain and life's dealings. But the parent has set an example in the face of adversities that has steered his family to happiness. I wont go into details, but what left the lasting mark in my mind of this parent was this thing he said of his child.

When we were discussing the positive affective development of the child, he said, yes, he also observed the same. He said, when we passed the security guard just now, the child, greeted the security guard 'Uncle" spontaneously and asked him how he was. The parent said, he took great consolation and pride when he observed that. He always teach his children, it is very important to treat those who are lesser well, and show courtesy and kindness to them. Seeing his child do it so naturally is a source of pride to him. Better than any results. Many parents will relate stories of the attainments of their children. But to him, this is a true attainment.

This is values education. This is good upbringing. I respect this family immensely. How many "educators" bother to greet those who serve?

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In that, let me credit my parents for bringing me up very well. From young, we had to address any elder auntee, uncle, big sister, big brother, whether they be sweeper, cleaner, postman, market hawkers, waiters, waitress ...... I am totally not a social person, but, will make the effort particularly for those who serve.

In most of the schools I taught, I somehow seem to have the affinity with the supporting staff of this nature or with canteen vendor. The first was the drink stall vendor, G, an indian, who took care of drinks of teachers.  In those days, vendors brought the drink into the staff room. I was sickly then, and he would insist of me taking fresh milk, and warming up for me, especially when he realised I had severe gastric. He cried when I left. When I knew he was ill in hospital, I visited him, and he cried when he saw me, and said, I knew you would come if you knew....true, i went as soon as i did hear the news...I felt very much for him knowing he was poor, but I was hardly making ends meet at that time, and couldnt help him. He died, i think barely 40 with a few kids......

In the second school, there was also a lovely auntee who retired when she had a stroke...and the printer, mr ong, who died in service.....

At the present place that I am in, the sweeper of the school compound, a cute, elderly Malay man,  took pains to 'direct' my car to 'help' me park....and in turn, I would show I appreciate it.  He was always so happy when he see me drive in. He would wave excitedly at me, and made me feel, there is someone who welcome me. I made it a point to look out for him, and greet him.

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Auntee is the lady that keeps the staff room tidy in my fifth school. I used to be in school very very early...., in my madness, sometimes at 5.  Auntee was around at 6 plus. She would always hum a hymn, go to the church nearby, before coming back for work. I was actually then, not very communicative, but never lost my upbringing in respect of  those who serve.

This lady is very remarkable, and after some time, she would make special chinese herbal drinks which she gave selectively to whom she will. Honestly, I didnt want to be the selected few, but her persistence, and genuine concern was touching. Through the years, she would relate much about her family, and showed us photos of her children and grandchildren.

At the back of my mind, I couldnt understand why she was still doing the menial task as her children appeared to be well off. So, I wondered if there were some other factors that she didnt share, though she was always so positive, happy and optimistic. But I knew she does have a special spot and concern for me, and some others who related well with her. In fact, she had asked me to go with her to UK where her son is, and spent a month or so there. It was really very sweet of her.

Recently, I heard that she had some health issues and had been on leave for a period. After some arrangement, 3 of us took her out for tea a few days ago. She was as chirpy as ever. This was not the first time we had done so. In fact the third time. There is always a spontaneous agreement, each time there is a suggestion, lets take auntee out, and there is never any hesitation with respect to finding time, no matter how busy. ..3 of us are in 3 different schools. 

It was good to see her. She embraced me when she saw me, and we embraced again, when we parted....
The previous time, she told us about her romance story. I remembered that was a 3 hour session, and it was so interesting and meaningful. This time, she told us of her 6 children and 17 grandchildren, and she also had a maid to take care of things at home for her and her husband.

I was astounded, and I said to her, why are you working as a cleaner when you have a maid at home? She laughed and said, she wants to occupy her time, and she enjoys what she is doing. How many will enjoy menial tasks and find it meaningful?

She had retired as a security guard (yes a lady security guard at ntu , she had stories of how to catch and kill snakes!) and had joined the cleaning company and enjoyed her work in the school. Her children did want her to stop, but she doesnt see why she should.

What a lady! She told us of how she served at the old folks home every weekend, and had been slapped by bad tempered old folks. She told us of how she helped person on the road wherever she is, and whenever she could. She told us of her pain not to have made it in time to see her mum last days, as she had 6 children to manage then and could not travel to Malaysis where her mother was..... and how she walked out of her darkness after months of grief.

Then she looked at me, and said, I knew what you were going through, although you wont say anything. And she understood, that I couldnt say anything.  This was the first time she said that to me, and I was really touched.

I didnt realise there was someone actually watching for me at that time. Yes, i really couldnt utter anything of that searing pain. One only understands when one has gone through. But, I also remembered at that time, I did have alot that did care for me. My very considerate and kind friend and neighbour, ld. My kids who always greeted me cheerfully. And many others who showed they cared by small gestures, getting me out for lunch, tea, ice-cream....

Here is a shining testimony of a lady of worth. She is a catholic, and whatever she did, she did it unto the Lord. This is a lady of humanity, little formal education, but in terms of true education, she beats us all. To her, everyone has a place, she did not judge work as menial or high status, nor does she feel inferior in any way. This is a lady of alot of guts, who when she was bullied in her previous job, took the brunt, and stood up for her rights.

There are people you need to meet up because of circumstances. There are people that you meet up with to catch up. But there are people that meet for no other reason than that there is a bond, like its natural for family members to meet. I am not comfortable with anyone, but with her, and the two friends, former colleagues, there is always this comfortableness. The four of us formed four different generations as each of us are at least ten years apart, but common bond, common humanity, common care , and most importantly, common values that bind us....where there is true bond, there is no generation gap. I almost felt these are my family members, and really regard them so. 

I feel awfully privileged to know her, and to know so many of her colourful life stories,.... And I really respect and value my two other friends, for their true humility and compassion in caring for those that seemed lesser in status, for their patience in being true listeners to hear what seemed to be of no 'economic' value to others; for their warmth and humanity. I have always respect and regard them highly for their intelligence, ability, and educational principles. And I respect and value them most for their values.

Action speaks louder than words is truly exemplified in these my 3 lovely friends. And age is no barrier. All of us, will attribute it to good parental upbringing which we have imbibed, respecting all, with particular concern for the lesser. This is noblesse oblige indeed.

Daisy, LS sister, passed on, moments ago....
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powerless resignation of the inadvertent -


in the unyielding power of death....


unmitigating lashings of grief -


torrential anguish of ache-


in the absence of cherished presence....


========================
The Lord comforts they that mourn and are broken in heart....

goodbyes by phases...

i knew it wont be easy, though i have to say, it had not hit as hard as i had feared. at least not so far.

partly becos, it really is the time.

the diffusion of the goodbyes by stages had helped. But mainly becos, i have had so many good and lovely memories. The kids goodbyes were in two phases, year 3s then the natural graduation of year 6s.

the past 2 weeks, had many good heart to heart chats with some close colleagues. With a few, it was wordless. The mutual understanding need not be spoken. To say, there is no impact both ways would be an untruth. I know it did upset a few though they knew it was inevitable. And the ways they expressed their comradeship, buddiness, neighbourliness are very sweet and warm.

Received a card from an unexpected source with this quote from Mother Teresa which I thought was really meaningful:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Mother Teresa

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have moved back perhaps a third of my things. To mitigate that feeling of 'loss' which is inevitable, we meet up abit more often now, and will try to keep in touch, to assure continuity of friendship.

I have truly been very blessed to have receive so much warmth, sincerity, and friendship. Goodbyes are inevitable, but to feel loved and cared for by those you value, i just feel blessed. I am counting blessings, and am grateful for every kindness and support. Thank you.

December

Today, finally, I closed all mum's matters. I should have completed them earlier. It wasnt that bad. But I just wasnt ready. Took S1 along so that well, there was a witness.

Alot of thoughts passed through my mind as I drove. If I could turn back the clock again, I would have done all I had for them, and much, much more. Particularly for dad. I wondered vaguely whether all these subconscious thoughts would appear in dreams, as it had.

But I told myself, must be positive and move on.

When we passed rv, we saw the erection of tent for funeral parlour. It was the passing of the neighbour's father - the last of that first generation of occupants. After we completed the tasks, S1 and I dropped by to pay our respects. rv is getting really run down. Quite a few owners had sold like me. The enbloc didnt take off. The sold units were rented mainly to foreigners. I heard at nite, there can be 30 bicycles parked there. Yes, I remembered the perpetual parking problem. Am glad to be out of that situation. I had to give in to so many people because having brought up there, I didnt want to break 'harmony'. When you consider for others, it always means you are at the losing end. I really was glad to get out of the place. It really was getting unsavoury.

The neighbour said I just disappeared, and never came back.

There is a song "Memories" from the show "The way we were" sung by Babara Streisland (i think), and the last line was

"Whats too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget".

Sometimes, that is necessary.

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Actually for the past 2 weeks and up to next week, practically every day, I met up with one or another among my friends, colleagues and students. Today, its el. She is keeping busy with varied teaching tasks. I have to admit, that is not what I would want. I would need to seriously consider....

Monday, I finally took a walk with kuech at macrirchie. I didnt realise it was so near to marymount station. It was a good walk. kuech said i was fit, cos the others she walked with gave up half-way and never came back again save claire. And she didnt slow down for me, so I am fit! Next week, 3 of us will walk again. Something nice for childhood/teenage friends to be together at this point of our life.

gratifying to be in touch with people i knew from a kiddie in primary school to secondary, jc, uni, and also students, and colleagues through the 5 schools I taught. Very gratifying.

there is one conspicuous gap though.... will that ever be breached?

whatever.

i can only wait....

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alot alot more matters yet to complete, must do so.

thoughts on friends...

yes, one module down...and one more essay to go. exam was much better than expected. Its just i hadnt done as well as i should for the essay etc. Well, at least i hope i should be able to avert a grade that sounded like my name.

probably i had been nostalgic, but in particular today, i thought of friends. first of all, i am very grateful to the coursemate who by sharing, had encouraged me to study. I am not a person that can do things for myself, or to prove myself for the sake of it. I dont see the point. Thats why i never go far in achievement, not that i have that much ability.

But i respond to kindness. And like everyone else, encouragement. To have a friend, you must first be a friend. It works both ways. This past week was really hard, and I was really giving up, especially cos of the prolong nagging head.

I realised how different it is to run a race when someone pace you. Actually running is a lonely sport, but it is the only sport i liked. Not that i run anymore. Not that I even take a walk anymore.
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continuing with thoughts of friends....

things have been very different since dc and sy left. But there is one that has been such a faithful, loyal companion, and a marvellous help and support ~ ld. I am really going to miss the times we do so many things together, and talk about so many things in teaching. He is so keen to learn, so attentive to listen, and will imbibe so many teaching points. Honestly I am amazed that he remained so alert, so enquiring. I thought he should get bored by now, or feel he knows it all, but he isnt. Most of all, he is very very considerate, and in subtle ways.

A bond sealed by common principles and values is that that would last. I am fully aware that he feel very sad for the impending change. I told him, he will remain my friend for life. He has really been most special. The pang and sadness felt is inevitable. I suddenly thought, must take a photo with him. I hate photos, but this is special. Actually, i 'adopted' him after we knew that I started teaching the year he was born.

To this special BIG kid, this wonderful large hearted kind soul, my SUPER best friend ~ my heartfelt thanks.

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there is one or two that i blocked out. I remembered sy telling me, you wont be hurt if you dont care, and dont regard the person as a friend. It was hard, but i learnt. alot come back to me at this time. but I will block them out.

the atm i use always display a quote. Today the quote displayed was by Abraham Lincoln

"Nearly all man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

I thought how true.

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and he sent some more notes!

seriously what a very nice chap!!!

He contributed the answers to every question he had shared, and sent it to both of us for feedback! I am too whacked to do anything now, but seeing this email gives me impetus to give him feedback as well (after I have slept!) as try harder for the exam later today (its now thursday, alas, and no i had other things to complete, so didnt get down to study. sigh!).

u can come across many not nice people, but one very nice one more than make up for it! :)

kids are the most innocent. they are the ones that will ask directly, how do you know?

honestly, i cant explain how i know. but i know. i just sensed it.

i remembered one student wrote very very long ago, how it intrigued them that i always seem to know what was happening, what they were thinking.

apart from it being an innate perception, that is inexplicable, long years of being in peculiar situations, and that from young, sharpened insights. It is bemusing to see the way people masked their intent in various forms.

altho actually not so amusing if they were people that you had helped. Sad. Quite sad. But that was not unexpected either. One had hoped for changes, for better things. Kindness does not always beget kindness. Much less respect.

there are few, very very few that truly seek for the good of others. Is that new?

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Define values.

At best, one can only impart what one has. whatever one has. At best.
Silence is indeed golden.

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Only 2 other of my coursemates are doing the course part-time, like me, and struggling to cope.

One of them emailed this morning, sharing reference that would be of help to forthcoming exam tomorrow. He is the one that is doing well and best among the 3 of us. He felt all the more he should help us, though he is also buried under work.

its always very refreshing to see humanity and receive unsolicited kindness.

think of the things that are pure, that are lovely, that are of good report....

that was a silver lining.

感慨

last few days were 'extraordinary' in that a few people from the past were in touch. With two of them, it had been 18-20 years since there had been communication. It was really nice especially to see wc for over 2 days... and when she left, i actually felt the pang of loss. But she was sensitive enough to message every stage, and email, so that reduced the impact.

Perhaps it is age; perhaps it is resignation. I just let things be. ...minimum change for now....I dont hope for much.... i just dont want trouble and pain

I am happy just to get by... at least for the next few months.

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strangely, also heard from a dear friend of more than 30 years, who had also been out of touch the last 2 years or so.... via email... both of us are analytical to extremity, and both think far, far too much...hence both are often disturbed and concern about many social issues....and both of us were very idealistic.....

he belongs to that last generation of chinese ed, that was really a victim of the immense change in education.... and that was a generation that feels strongly for the language and culture they love... a passion this generation will never understand.... and that generation paid alot for the harsh policies and changes in the name of economic advancement.... and suddenly all they learnt had to be in english... it was very bitter for many of them...
i remembered when the announcement came to close the chinese gp classes, he wanted to raise a petition.... he was an outstanding school leader.....i cant remember whether he finally did, i think he did... i remembered debating with him over 3 hours to dissuade him, since it would be futile effort... and at that time, students dissent can be taken very harshly.... internal security was not just a phantom... it was real at that time.....

on reflection many years later, i think he was right. I was wrong. He had the courage. I feared trouble. We were 17-18 then. Now consider what your 18 year old lives are about?

it was at that time, the first time that I understood the meaning of 默契. Our understanding was somehow very natural. And there was mutual respect and appreciation. actually kuech asked me last year when we were taking a walk, and reminiscing about the past, were you all ever together? I thought for awhile, and said, No.

We were often companions; he would picked me early in the morning to go to jc (he drove at 18 cos he drove his father to work, his mother died when he was young and he was very close to his dad); we did have quite abit in common cos i am also very inclined to the chinese language and culture despite being from chij, a very 'english' school. He was very intelligent, and most of all, earnest, sincere and firm. There were teasings, and i remembered his friends got him flowers to give me at valentines, which i left in class to avoid trouble at home. Both of us felt awkward about that, but we never misunderstood. We never crossed the boundary of friendship.

I think we diverged mainly because of religion. Not that we explicitly said it. He knew where i stood. I respect him immensely for his principles. There had always been a foundation of understanding in our friendship and alot of maturity. In many ways, he is probably one of the very few that really knows and understands me. No other reason. Just 默契.

And we remained friends for some time after jc, and he helped me through some very bad patches later....whenever he could, he was always a friend. I really appreciated that. We did lose communication subsequently, mainly because i didnt want to communicate in my peculiar circumstance and we did drift apart in many ways as we were both strong in our views. We were also going through rough times through our separate pathways.

That stretched over a period of more than ten years, yet when we met again by chance very unexpectedly, the same understanding was still there. That was the year i resigned from scgs, a turbulent year, 2000. My kids were taking part in an entrepreneurship competition. my last project. It was held at a poly. I didnt know he was among the panel of judges. It was quite unreal. I couldnt believe it, when i saw this person walking toward me, vaguely familiar, and stood in front of me. We just looked at each other in amazement. And though circumstances had changed, yet in many ways, we had not changed. To be honest, I was surprised. I didnt expect that at all.

Since then, we kept in touch though I was more incline to reclusiveness still. Thereafter when many things fell apart for me, I appreciate the communication with the few friends left. Mostly over emails, exchanging views and updates of his family, and education for his 3 kids, and endless discussions over ideologies.

Then sometimes over an interim of a couple of years, there would be a long silence from either side, usually when the goings are tough, and each prefer to tide through on their own. The silence and distance was always respected.

He broke the recent long silence finally yesterday; each of us having entered into another phase of life. There was much exchange, not in terms of what happened, but our usual manner of deep ponderings and reflections....

Whatever the circumstance, I would not want to lose this life long friend. From jc days, he was the only new 'addition' to my small circle of friends. The other handful were friends that had been with me from primary/secondary school. I didnt like my jc days. From university days, I would only add 2 more, el and dk.

There is something really sweet about friendship from school days. We were ourselves, guileless, spontaneous, unspoilt. Thankfully at that time, people are not so focused on 'career', 'portfolio' etc etc. Those who made it naturally did, and there was no arrogance or smugness. At least not among my friends. And not for any lack of intellect either. But we never bore that kind of uppity, /I am scholar/better and smarter-than-thou air whilst assuming a facade of seeming humility that is needed to grace the exterior.

Contributing to society was naturally in our heart. Perhaps its because we came from mission schools. Nevertheless the natural enthusiasm and naiveness when young is something sweet.
==========================
Thats why i still like to be with kids that i teach.... it is lovely when you see friendship, comradeship, the kids helping one another (especially when i am fiercely grilling them!). This is one of the best phase of life that will be their fond memories.

I hope many of their friendships can withstand the storms, misunderstandings and separation ahead. This is inevitable. At different phases of life, friends will drift apart because of their job, family, and various circumstances. But 20-30 years later... and for a lifetime, there would be those that remain friends... with that implicit understanding, that inexplicable 默契....

i really wish so for these kids...

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whether i close this blog or not, will depend on how the path diverges.... this is a phase that i have allowed myself to be open and share many of my inner thoughts locked for a lifetime within. But it is because of the phase that i have passed through over these 2 years.... i am still considering what is best.....

friends...

'Holidays' is a time for friends... i dont have many... but those i have, they are true friends...

3 weeks of june 'hols' is almost over.... have seen Mdm F twice.... quite heart-rending....but she is a brave lady, knowing her end is coming, and facing it positively. will be seeing her again soon... i have to acknowledge i need the strength and courage also to see her through this phase...

Met el today for breakfast at botanics... i arrived first... and recalled the 2 times i was here with mum... that was painful.

el is one of the very very very few that i can utter these words to her... she reminded me not to keep thinking of the things i didnt do for mum... remember there were many factors... mustnt go on like that... i told her not that i wanted to... but certain places, certain things, like that herbal soup at lunch some weeks ago... that choking feeling just come....

we talked for a good 4 hours... we shared many common bonds and values in education...we are not an extinct breed yet :) .... it was a very good time... very meaningful... i only wish i have more opportunity to pass on to the young... and hope there will yet be people that will catch the vision...

before we parted, she reminded of the many practical things she knows I would overlook to see to... thanks alot...

at the moment, prob wont do anything... i hope i will have until end next year to look for a place, before the enbloc takes over.... when it does, that is half a century of my home...... a house once full... i will be the only one that will be leaving it....

if i can be within walking dist from sk, then there will be a kind of 'family' nearer for me. Actually both sk and bil have asked me to move in, but tiger and brownee is my first consideration. They are at the 10th level, with no grilles etc, its too dangerous... also not fair to zl and zg...

Have been thinking these few weeks...Best not to rush...Somehow, there should be a way.

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was suppose to meet te tomorrow, but by a turn of events, we met for late lunch today instead.

whilst waiting for te, was fiddling and just entered blog, and was very pleasantly surprised to read dylan's note. it made my day!:) Not that he (or anyone) needed to say anything... they will mean the same to me always... but it was a sweet balm nevertheless

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another good exchange with te. another brave lady... and very kind... will miss her alot... we are the few early birds... but she is a young bird... hope she soars high...

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must open up my 'world'... it was possible to live in reclusion from others with mum around.

I know it is no longer possible... actually the problem is really me. old classmates had wanted to meet through the years, and i had declined... and they are really very nice people, brought up by the same values... i had felt inferior cos they came from very stable and well-to-do background... the contrast was very stark to me... the issue was myself...

kuech managed to get me to meet up with mag, and i guess i will open up more...

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te was surprised about me blogging and allowing it to be seen...

I told her why i set this blog up...firstly, writing is in my soul...

actually, coming to a school of hard sciences, it accentuates the difference between the 2 disciplines... i do love math, really for the subject itself, within my level... i didnt teach it becos it is a teaching subject... i really see math as a training of the mind... and there is beauty in numbers, in graphs... and i do get excited teaching it. :)

but i think my soul is incline toward the humanities... and this aspect is really stifled in systems. Creativity, liberty seem to run contrary to hard sciences... sigh!

my favourite subjects in school: math, chinese, literature... and subsequently from jc, economics...so i think, i am really very humanities based... and i guess that may be a reason for the vast differences in views sometimes.

secondly, it was the kids that helped me set up the blog...

actually, i knew mum will go... i knew i wont make it on my own out of the tunnel... i needed a cause to live for... and i dont see them often at all... it helps to remember the kids... to set an example especially when the troughs are very very low... and it helped me to encourage myself and push myself on in my thoughts and writing....

it is more than 4 months since mum is gone... and this blog has been my companion through many many many lonely days and nights, 130 to be precise.

i am actually thinking of getting a tv; but i was telling te, dont know whether i can stand watching tv on my own... used to do it with mum...

whatever... i must move on...

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i have been thinking these last couple of years abt community work and had hoped to do sth with 403, but there was a change in system, no longer by mentor class, so didnt worked out. Had been looking out what to do. Met ss last week, and he in turn asked me to inform him if i had any idea. Having given thought, some 'draft' plan came up. Bounced it to st yesterday and el today... was glad they were positive abt the plan... st thought the plan was interesting...

el thought it was viable and understood what i mean... i know i have the gift of teaching... as years will inevitably catch up, it would be impossible to take a system... but if i conduct classes on voluntary basis, and get inroads to the underprivileged for these classes, i can reach out to those who need it... and not be subject to systems... (actually materialising will not be that easy... but i am quite resourceful when i want to :) )

el advised me to shelf it first and get the Masters done. that will give more options in the latter years when some part-time income may be needed, and not just fall back on tuition. el is always wiser and more practical than me.

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friends are people u can have meaningful conversations; u can say something, u can say nothing, they understand...

friends are people we stand by and walk together....

there are friends that cant be with us; but u know they are friends....

26th May...

passing years....

what is a birthday?

i had to block out remembrance of mum's birthday this same month... sk and i intended to book dinner tables at shangri-la to celebrate her 80th birthday this year....she would have been happy about that.... it could not be materialised....

whether i like it or not, each day has got to be passed... and it reached 26th....

i know people who care try to make it 'special' for me....

4 nephews text me...and j2 took the trouble to send a vase of roses.... and wrote..."so sorry it took me 31 years to give you your first birthday present but more to come...love you..."

i have an affinity with j2. Actually i was least close with her becos j1 didnt like me, but as she grew up, she visited me once and she realised I was a cat lover...some 6 years back...then over her marriage, birth of t1..and t2.... i gave her support and she really married a nice chap which helped her grew up and was more concern abt family... mum also took to her, and felt secure with her... i was glad of that.

sk, ky, ls were as always constant...

in school, vl/hc wanted to arrange lunch/dinner but it was a busy day for me...not possible... rf made special breakfast which was touching, vl, rc, dc, cl arranged for cake; cam, kyc, nte put alot alot of smileys all over; sf got me sth..... it helps that pple show they care... i kept cheerful and focused throughout the day....

but alone back at my desk in the late hours... i cried...

its my first birthday without mum.... she did take the trouble to remember to get me something every year.... we dont really celebrate... i guess i am always uncomfortable abt being the focal... and between her and me, somehow, though i spent the most time with her, literally daily a few hours, unless i am not in spore... or very exceptional late nights... somehow we dont say much...

prob my fault.... sometimes it is almost like a silent movie..... i made up by being physically present... and i guess it helps still that i am around...

and she made up by getting me something to show she cares... actually both of us are really alike... in many ways....

its never going to be the same.... i knew it would be painful.... its just its awfully painful....

some warmth

amidst many frustrations...most of all dazedness...i do wish my head wont go on this way...amidst hustle and bustle... and many listenings.....

there has been warmth and kindness...perhaps because it was not expected...it did touch me...

the book on cats...most unexpected...thanks... :)

the load of vitamins...very unexpected too...didnt know how to react...it was really thoughtful...

i never complete any vitamin course... would i remember to complete this course??? and really would it worked, swallowing loads of vitamin pills...??? but then i guess better than painkillers...personally skeptical...but will try it...not because i believe it will work... but touch by the kindness and effort... if just to repay the good intentions... dont know how i am going to remember though...

mum used to be the one that make sure i take them... yesterday when we went out for lunch and ordered the herbal soup, i felt like crying... i missed her soup... dreamt of her again these past days... it is harder and harder to keep back the tears at every thought of her now....i must get through next week... the 100th day...

i also hope it will not be the beginning of strife with B2 and ML etc... I must hold out...

at such low troughs, and very very low effiiciency...i really wanted to work at the notes very very badly... the encouragement from the touches of humanity is a balm...thanks alot....it helps give that nudge to hang on....

New Year 2010

Must confess didnt feel very much about 'new year' this year....usually before the end of the year, i do take pains to clear up mess at home; clear bills, claims....look at diary, and best of all, calendars....my favourite...swiping up cats/kitties calendars.....

LS bought me a hanging one and a daily desk daily one....i did hang it up yesterday....but didnt do anything much otherwise. I actually attended end of year mtg without remembering to bring in the new diary to record....the first time i can remember that i forgot cos i usually get quite excited about using new diaries.

still, it wasnt altogether in the doldrums....or a sense of helplessness or foreboding...

more a sense of soldiering on, forging forward, and still the same, lets live life meaningfully....my only worry is running out of stamina.....must say it is easy to feel very tired...and that is not good when driving....have been taking regular power naps.....that 15-20 min makes alot of difference...not many however understand or know how to take power naps....those who know will know what i mean.

mum is on the whole still happy, looking forward to cny....we are really hoping symptoms will hold out till then.....increasingly it is now left mainly again to sk and myself....and S1 some mornings....i dont mind. have to admit, i prefer not to have some ties...

am quite glad to get card from ky today. very glad and relieved. I was devastated, very devastated when she just left like that in july; i was angry with myself, with LS, with school....i just felt my priority has been all wrong. I knew there was issue but didnt take time to resolve it, and all was too late....i was momentarily bitter and really very pained then. Whatever. I will never forget what I owe her, and really couldnt come to terms then.....i am really very glad for the exchanges the last few weeks...and today. That we can reconcile. She is really my most valued friend.

Looking back, it has been a year I feel most lost....never found my direction amidst the mountains of work and upheavals of life.... window smashing into carscreen...anr accident 8 days after....all those conflicts that i really hate.... and the spiral down.....twice over.....It was a year that i just ploughed and endured, and held on somehow...

Among the people I am grateful for, these came to mind....

Again 403..... when my spirit was so low so often....stepping into this class, or on the way to canteen...the greetings Hello Ms C, never fails to cheer me up. It was as if they were so happy to see me! I dont know whether they really do, but it is nice to feel u made a difference to someone....and to a class...well, its nice. :)

i must say also alot of people in sch, in particular vl and ld that are really empathetic companions, sy who always respond to my need for help; pc who always 'listen' via emails; and touches of kindess and support from sm that make alot of difference to me and help me stay on in the school that i did like very much from the start, and still do....and many other special pple in sch that make one feel loved like kyc, te, ftt, lsf.,ht, ncl, fll, lhc.....and latterly rc....yes it always matters that u mean sth to someone...

i remember when i was very down once, pc keep telling me, u have alot of friends and she wld list them, and it was helpful....

the viet trip was also very meaningful to me... and really one of the positive highlights of the year....

'shopping' for a car was also another thing quite memorial. :) must say ht and ncl were really patient with me....it took me nearly a year b4 deciding on one....

taking 6206 was also special....got to know quite nice kids and really glad to have taken that on....

so it was not a bad year, despite feeling so lost, hurt and bewildered for most parts....

2010 is not going to be easy....but i want to make it meaningful....

mum just woke....she is now talking to me abt the 'end' arrangements....dont know what to say....except to say, dont think so much...really don t know what to say....sk gone for wedding dinner with bil.....she ask to see 400H for the last time.....i told her she can see as often as she wants and she can go back anytime she wants.....actually i felt she knew all along the end is near. but i cant understand why she does not want to return back, and chose to stay with sk. I dare not ask. i dare not know why either....i dont want to think....

this is what i dread most about 2010.....