感慨

last few days were 'extraordinary' in that a few people from the past were in touch. With two of them, it had been 18-20 years since there had been communication. It was really nice especially to see wc for over 2 days... and when she left, i actually felt the pang of loss. But she was sensitive enough to message every stage, and email, so that reduced the impact.

Perhaps it is age; perhaps it is resignation. I just let things be. ...minimum change for now....I dont hope for much.... i just dont want trouble and pain

I am happy just to get by... at least for the next few months.

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strangely, also heard from a dear friend of more than 30 years, who had also been out of touch the last 2 years or so.... via email... both of us are analytical to extremity, and both think far, far too much...hence both are often disturbed and concern about many social issues....and both of us were very idealistic.....

he belongs to that last generation of chinese ed, that was really a victim of the immense change in education.... and that was a generation that feels strongly for the language and culture they love... a passion this generation will never understand.... and that generation paid alot for the harsh policies and changes in the name of economic advancement.... and suddenly all they learnt had to be in english... it was very bitter for many of them...
i remembered when the announcement came to close the chinese gp classes, he wanted to raise a petition.... he was an outstanding school leader.....i cant remember whether he finally did, i think he did... i remembered debating with him over 3 hours to dissuade him, since it would be futile effort... and at that time, students dissent can be taken very harshly.... internal security was not just a phantom... it was real at that time.....

on reflection many years later, i think he was right. I was wrong. He had the courage. I feared trouble. We were 17-18 then. Now consider what your 18 year old lives are about?

it was at that time, the first time that I understood the meaning of 默契. Our understanding was somehow very natural. And there was mutual respect and appreciation. actually kuech asked me last year when we were taking a walk, and reminiscing about the past, were you all ever together? I thought for awhile, and said, No.

We were often companions; he would picked me early in the morning to go to jc (he drove at 18 cos he drove his father to work, his mother died when he was young and he was very close to his dad); we did have quite abit in common cos i am also very inclined to the chinese language and culture despite being from chij, a very 'english' school. He was very intelligent, and most of all, earnest, sincere and firm. There were teasings, and i remembered his friends got him flowers to give me at valentines, which i left in class to avoid trouble at home. Both of us felt awkward about that, but we never misunderstood. We never crossed the boundary of friendship.

I think we diverged mainly because of religion. Not that we explicitly said it. He knew where i stood. I respect him immensely for his principles. There had always been a foundation of understanding in our friendship and alot of maturity. In many ways, he is probably one of the very few that really knows and understands me. No other reason. Just 默契.

And we remained friends for some time after jc, and he helped me through some very bad patches later....whenever he could, he was always a friend. I really appreciated that. We did lose communication subsequently, mainly because i didnt want to communicate in my peculiar circumstance and we did drift apart in many ways as we were both strong in our views. We were also going through rough times through our separate pathways.

That stretched over a period of more than ten years, yet when we met again by chance very unexpectedly, the same understanding was still there. That was the year i resigned from scgs, a turbulent year, 2000. My kids were taking part in an entrepreneurship competition. my last project. It was held at a poly. I didnt know he was among the panel of judges. It was quite unreal. I couldnt believe it, when i saw this person walking toward me, vaguely familiar, and stood in front of me. We just looked at each other in amazement. And though circumstances had changed, yet in many ways, we had not changed. To be honest, I was surprised. I didnt expect that at all.

Since then, we kept in touch though I was more incline to reclusiveness still. Thereafter when many things fell apart for me, I appreciate the communication with the few friends left. Mostly over emails, exchanging views and updates of his family, and education for his 3 kids, and endless discussions over ideologies.

Then sometimes over an interim of a couple of years, there would be a long silence from either side, usually when the goings are tough, and each prefer to tide through on their own. The silence and distance was always respected.

He broke the recent long silence finally yesterday; each of us having entered into another phase of life. There was much exchange, not in terms of what happened, but our usual manner of deep ponderings and reflections....

Whatever the circumstance, I would not want to lose this life long friend. From jc days, he was the only new 'addition' to my small circle of friends. The other handful were friends that had been with me from primary/secondary school. I didnt like my jc days. From university days, I would only add 2 more, el and dk.

There is something really sweet about friendship from school days. We were ourselves, guileless, spontaneous, unspoilt. Thankfully at that time, people are not so focused on 'career', 'portfolio' etc etc. Those who made it naturally did, and there was no arrogance or smugness. At least not among my friends. And not for any lack of intellect either. But we never bore that kind of uppity, /I am scholar/better and smarter-than-thou air whilst assuming a facade of seeming humility that is needed to grace the exterior.

Contributing to society was naturally in our heart. Perhaps its because we came from mission schools. Nevertheless the natural enthusiasm and naiveness when young is something sweet.
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Thats why i still like to be with kids that i teach.... it is lovely when you see friendship, comradeship, the kids helping one another (especially when i am fiercely grilling them!). This is one of the best phase of life that will be their fond memories.

I hope many of their friendships can withstand the storms, misunderstandings and separation ahead. This is inevitable. At different phases of life, friends will drift apart because of their job, family, and various circumstances. But 20-30 years later... and for a lifetime, there would be those that remain friends... with that implicit understanding, that inexplicable 默契....

i really wish so for these kids...

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whether i close this blog or not, will depend on how the path diverges.... this is a phase that i have allowed myself to be open and share many of my inner thoughts locked for a lifetime within. But it is because of the phase that i have passed through over these 2 years.... i am still considering what is best.....