messages....

last wed, 6th july, was a special occasion...zg graduated with a second upper... that nite both sk and he text me, to thank me. i had helped him tide over a very rough time at jc2, really created by himself. with one month to his A levels, having failed math abysmally, i had no choice but to pick up A level maths content to coach him, and gave him whatever support needed. well, he has grown up. I only hope he sees where his weaknesses are. A chain is as strong as its weakest link.

Funny enough, it was through that stint, that i re-acquired skills and techniques in higher level math that gave me the confidence to come over to nush, knowing full well the content will be above the usual level that i am accustomed to teaching. So well, one never knows how things in life leads...

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That same evening kt msged me to say he is back from aust, and wanted to arrange to meet with me again with the others from blss. He had gone to aust to take the test for pilot training. He didnt make it and hence is back. Before he left and when he didnt clear the test, he text me. I am very touched at the way these kids let me know how they get on at different stage of their lives. Whether success or failures, it doesnt matter. What matters is, they wanted to let me know. Those 15 months at blss were really meaningful.

I have spent nearly 4 years at nush. It leaves to be seen, whether the bonds with the kids will stand through time. Although, I also know it doesnt mean if one doesnt keep in touch, it means one has forgotten the other. I remained thankful to the few teachers that had been kind to me, and a few I never told them. I did wish I did though.

a few weeks later, i should be meeting a student from my very first batch of graduands, who is making a stopover in spore. She found me via this blog. I remembered that batch very well. Most of my kids did not have my contact. I had chosen reclusion some years back, and never replied to letters, and didnt give other means to contact me. I regret it now, as I would have liked to know how they are. I remember many of my kids very well.

I dont know if it is age or the diverging path ahead... that my mind subconciously leaf through the pages of my teaching years over more than 2 decade...

by present standard, i had not done anything really significant. I had not helped anyone attained to great heights or outstanding achievements. Does that matter in teaching? Does it mean my teaching is substandard? There are many that do make you feel your 'worth' from what university you come from, and what accolades you have. And how much 'success' you have reaped.

I have none, and am not ashamed of it. I am only ashamed when I fail to help students that needed help. And it never matters if anyone else knows if I had not done my duty to the utmost. What is important is my conscience knows. I have to live with my conscience.

I value what i value. True humanity does not lie in all these lauded achievements. I know the heart alone is insufficient in teaching. There must be a clear application of the mind to reach out to the leaners.

But as the scripture says, knowledge puffeth up. Its charity that edifieth. How many understand this?

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there are times when all i see is emptiness and i ask myself, how to carry on? my biggest fear, as always, is not to be a burden to the young.

but there are times, when i remember the sweet messages and receive emails from students one had taught, like one that was received end of last semester, very unexpectedly; and one that came in today to share his aspirations; and with T and B sleeping beside me whilst i typed this, I feel very contented and fulfilled. I have made a difference, however small to a few of the young.

i am recording this to encourage myself for the days ahead....