june break...C4.....friends....

today is the first 'free' day as my module ended yesterday.....30% assessment completed.... one 70% assignment yet to start... i really need to be more prepared for my lessons...

hope i can get a decent 8 day break before term starts... had hoped to have a short day trip, but i guess it will not turn out... must tune out of school....

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C4 battery died on me yesterday. I couldnt believe it that the car couldnt start. I guess i shd be thankful that it was at home and not elsewhere. And it did not even hit 16 months! dc says it is a 'heng-sway' thing. Could happen anytime after 1 year. But i was not forewarned. It was my last session of the module, and there was a group assessment, so i had to leave the car till later. Wasnt sure what the problem could be then, and there was a possibility of it being towed. Cant say i was not ruffled. I was.

Managed to arrange for mechanic to come in afternoon to see the car. Was thankful that dc was around to help to see to things. Pressure of tyre was also super low, so had to drive to petrol kiosk to get it pumped, it was quite fun to learn how to....i never knew how to do it... actually i dont know very much abt cars...dc pointed out the things i should have seen to, and more or less remarked that the car was not well kept... it isnt... I have neglected many many things....

this incident reminded me of the many scraps i got into over the 2 years with volks...for a 3.5 year driving experience, i did run into quite a bit....

........... a punctured tyre, thrice breakdown, backscreen crashed by falling window and within 8 days, a car bashed into volk......

i was quite traumatised and ironically, calm. didnt want mum to know since i was not hurt....didnt tell sk as i didnt want her to worry and nag... when mum got to know later cos neighbour asked, I was nonchalant about it, so she did not know much.

the only good thing was, the other driver had the decency to take full responsibility, and did.... i heard how nasty things could have turned....

the front driver's door caved in, but it still could be driven. I forced myself to drive to school still the next day to do my duties though actually i got a few days mc as i was already spiralling down at that time... and i really didnt have the nerve to drive anymore... but i had no choice.

That was in march 2 years back at a time when things were at its brink, and tensions and conflicts were very high at work; and a very very low point. Support was not as it was now.....i only kept to 2-3 people. There was alot to handle, and i had to sent car to insurance claim first before workshop... i didnt know how i kept the front continually then, as i didnt want to be seen to cave in. I also felt all these things happened because I have come to the wrong school.

I tried to drive to the insurance claim place for them to take photo and examine car first, but by then, I couldnt face it. So I drove back to school. Desperate, I finally called ncl. I didnt know him well, but he knew alot abt cars, and there was an unspoken understanding. He saw my condition even without my saying much, and took over driving the car and guided me through all the necesary procedure. i rememberd when ncl saw the damaged volks, he said, if it was not a volks, u would have been in hospital. Continental cars are heavy and made of strong steel. That the door was so badly dented showed the force. I knew it could have been much worse.

volks was in workshop for 10 days. I was glad not to drive for that period. alot of things went wrong at that time, and i was quite shaken, but couldnt show....vl would see me to a cab after school for that period.... was really grateful to both of them then...

10 months later....volks ended, refused to move in the middle of the road.....just before the end of mum... and c4 coming in 2 days after....

behind c4's neglect is still the timing it came in... and since...some things just dont go away like that....

i really neglect c4. Not just c4. The many admin things i have neglected resulting with so many fines for many bills is really quite unbelievable. sk couldnt understand either. i just shrug it off.... People who had known me well from young, knew me for my efficiency in all admin matters. In the roles that I took on, I got to. There was no guide/training/material to read up if you are any sort of leader. You got to do it, You got to know what to do. And if you have to see to meeting all requirements of legislation in running an organisation, however small, you must be efficient. I took pride in punctiliousness and efficiency.

Now, procrastination is almost always the rule....i guess there is just no motivation and incentive.... by right, i should have done this or that... but i didnt... and in many things, still hadnt... most of the time, i get tired...i only do things that mattered to others... i know its dumb...its a learned habit that needs to be unlearned...

The practical help and advice given yesterday help give some push. i knew i need that......Really need to straighten alot of things. I know only when i myself have truly overcome, then am i in a position to help or advise others. I cant fall back on 'family'. actually from volks to c4, i never involved them. and i know i am right not to. Nephews are ok, but dont think they talk sense sometimes...

i hope to clear what is possible to clear these few days...

Remembering this period last year, it has been a long way. The path now is easier, the weight of the past less heavy, and there are less turbulence. In part, it is the warmth and kindness that have helped. As dc said, in this place, the people u meet are not just colleagues; they are friends. There is something about die-hard teachers. There is a simplicity and a genuineness. There is a difference. And a distinct one. And it warms the heart.