Thoughts from the past weeks....

Theoretically, I should have had more time to write. But somehow it didnt happen that way...

Quite a few things to record:

BLSS boys visit

Actually they are 21 this year. Had known them since 2005, so it has been 6 years. I look forward to every meeting with them, seeing their growth, their development, their aspirations, their disappointments...

One is going to train for pilot licence soon. Two going to NTU, one under teaching award, though both had wanted to teach. The other still finding his direction with 7 more months in NS. I am very proud of all of them, whether or not they make it to the University. We talked from 5 to 10plus... It was a very good time. Very meaningful to me.

I will always thank Mr Tharman for my return back to teaching via BLSS. Teachers who resigned in the past were often 'blacklisted'. But when he was the Minister of Education, he showed he valued teachers who had resigned, for whatever reasons. Within 6 months, 2 letters of invitation were sent to invite teacher to rejoin the service. I ignored the first. But when the second one came, and the path back was made so much easier with the adjunct teaching scheme, I ventured back. And of cos, was fortunate to meet BLSS vp then, who did everything she could to persuade me to go there, adjusting to all my terms in scheduling, and workload. That 16 months became one of the most fruitful of my teaching experience. I proved to myself that I can teach, and teach well, in a neighbourhood school. The bond was established firmly. And that gave me the confidence to return back full time.

I have to admit sometimes I feel I had contributed much more/made a deeper impact where the school is much less elite. Whatever, I have been very fortunate to have had doors opened to me, and for understanding leaders that gave me the liberty I need to fulfil dreams and ideals.

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The last 2 weeks had seen quite a few significant and unexpected changes by PM Lee. Unexpected, more because I did not expect such decisive swift actions within 2 weeks. Whatever the undercurrents that had led to these moves, I respect the leadership shown.

Public service requires altruism. I am glad there is a step in that direction. I hope they will also remove kpi linked performance bonus. I detest that. I agree there must be measurable indicators of progress. But that should be because of idealism, and wanting to see the good of all. No reward should be attached. Like the previous generation of leaders of this country. And not just leaders. Teachers and medical team people. Pay everyone a decent pay for the worth of their role. And in these vocation, let the heart to serve be sufficient reward. Public sector should never adopt private sector's capitalist approach, to link to 'performance', whatever that is supposed to mean. First it detracts from true service. And second, it is an insult to true service.

I hope there will be more heart, more humanitarianism in this country. This kind of bond alone will hold out in times of crisis....

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Its May. I admit it has not been my favourite month since last year. There were still mum's things that i had not completed, and this month is more or less the deadline. So I have to force myself to get some things done.

i guess that triggered off that recurring nightmare which had not come back for a few months... this time, it was draining off water from dad's lungs.... I was sucking out the water from the tube to clear it.... dreams are often inexplicably complicated...somehow subconsciously, i can be orchestrating the details how things need to be carried out and done and why.... but like all the previous nightmare of this nature, it would reach a point, where there is a turn, i cant control the events, the water turned bloody... nothing can be done... he cant be saved.

It is very distressing to wake up with that horrible impact again. It was very disturbing. For a couple of days after, I kept making wrong turns and losing my way driving to places I am not familiar.

I guess having been near rv a couple of times the past weeks also contributed to it. That pain just seared through. Sometimes i fear this calmness that had been the past 2-3 months are temporal. And the avalanche may overtake me.

I can only trust in the Lord. It is awfully lonely, and I guess my road is really not as clear as I wish it to be for the next year.

However, I do count my blessings, and they are really alot. Having come through so much, I really have alot alot to be thankful for. I am very grateful for the many that showed they care in each their own special ways. I remembered for the last 10 years, when I had these recurring nightmares, it was really bleak for a long time. Now, it eased after a few days. And compared to last year this time, I am thankful to be in a much better frame.

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever......