Harmony

The first act of honouring the self is to have the assertion of our consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of our consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default on this is to default on self at the most basic level. To honour the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments. (Brandon, 1983) ================================================================== I cannot expressed the feeling of 'harmony' to find understanding in the conflicts within from a child. My first memory of a kid, is thinking. But I was always clumsy, and always sensitive and crying. So I was scolded, caned, pinched, and have towel stuffed in my mouth when i cry. It was very often. Unbelieveble. But true. I learnt not to cry and to take punishments as stoically as I could. Things were better when i went to secondary school. Punishment was more sporadic, but it took on a different nature as alcoholism and depression set in for mum ................................................................................................................................... But I kept thinking. I couldnt stop. In primary school, I talked and talked, read and read. But I cant say anyone understood me, except a perceptive teacher, Ms Daisy Wee. I regret I never thanked her for what she did for me, much more than I realised then. I dare not find out if she is still alive. I should have, though I did send her many cards as a student. In secondary school, introversion set in. I had 2 other perceptive teachers, Ms Maureen Khoo and Ms Ong KH............ ............................................................................................................. But I was always told I was idealistic. Life is not like that. A problem child. And an underachiever. Home accounted for all the constant unheavals and instability. ============================================================= But I needed answers to my relentless questions to life. My search led to religion. Which fueled further conflicts homefront. And I searched deep. But faith was far deeper. I will not dwell on the unhappy stretch of 20 years by the way men manipulated religion. I understand why many of the kids are put off. I refrained further comments........................... But I learnt man by wisdom knew not God. In the Scriptures and in the Lord, I found my life. Literally. It would have been impossible to live on without the knowledge of the truth. I would gladly be a fool that I may receive the truth of the gospel. ================================================================== But in the course of the world, and within myself, I cant come to terms with the constant conflicts with many outward matters. I always feel the problem is me......................................... ................... As at this moment, I feel at peace. For once, i realised the problem isnt me. Nor is it the turbulence of home though it did cause alot of upheavals. The reason for the 'disharmony' with the outward causes is because I just have the capacity to think independently, to have the courage of my own perception and judgment and not conform. I finally found a kind of answer to the restlessness within. I finally can accept myself realising that I am not alone. And it need not depend on how others perceive or accept me. That is harmony.