filling in......

yes, I havent update for a long time...

in some ways, nothing had happened. yet in some ways, alot had taken place.

in some ways, there are alot to record. yet in some ways, everything seems bland... there is hardly anything to say.

in some ways, alot that would had been written, had been written in various forms... yes, it is hard to break away from the past.... especially when there is really nothing much left at present...........much less ahead...

inertia, inactivity.... watching time passed... what am i waiting for?
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over this time....

attended jk wedding 25 June. I dont like formal dinners. And really does not attend such occasions. But for sst sake. It was a date i had marked out to keep this appointment.

Maybe it was my own frame. So everything was placid. I think sst was happy that we went. In many ways, I do wish I can really regard sst as a sister. She is one of the very very very few that has more strength of character than myself, and hence understand me, and would have been able to reach out to me more than others. Her children are very fortunate to have such a mum.
Pk was there. He is supposed to look like dad. I also was supposed to look like dad. But we didnt look alike. And we had nothing to say.

It was an event...yet in some ways, it was eventless. To sk it was a duty to go. To me, i just feel alone.

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xxx problems are really serious. Having pulled for nearly 9 months, one scam after another, to say i am not angry and upset would not be true. At least she has finally agreed to see professionals, and to report to authorities....

But that she had lied to me....was perhaps the most distressing...

whatever. i did all that was necessary. Had i not procrastinated, perhaps some things could have been avoided? why not say then, had she really heeded my warnings from dec, these damages wouldnt have happened? i am tired of taking the weight. How much must one do?

i dont know if she will really walk out of this tunnel... time may help... and hopefully whatever support that can be rendered.... i seriously dont know...

i only know, being a friend, means being there for her for life....
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read newspaper only occasionally, and it would happen on such an occasion... read that the block next to rv put up for enbloc sale. I guess rv would have be up also, if it has not already been sold enbloc

So within another one or two years, all would be torn down....

there would be many that would say, i should have waited, see what 'loss' i had incurred. The difference is just a few months...or a year? if bil had been in spore, i am sure he would have alot more to say to me...

whatever anyone say, seriously apart from outward consideration of 'material' gain, or for outward 'welfare', honestly, i dont know if there is really anyone that had truly been concern and care for my good alone, and take the weight for me, as one that care for me for life. to be fair, sk tries. And tch tries.


I dont say it is any easier now than it had been. But at least, i no longer have the albatross of rv. And at least, now and then, i have the warmth of sk company. And at least, there is less sense of being so unsettled, and being tossed in the waves of uncertainties...

what is loss? what is gain? loss to who? gain for who?

there is alot of emotional baggage with rv. And though that had been the abodes of my life...sadly, there arent any memories that one would want to recall....

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sy finally left on thursday. He asked to attend my lesson to occupy time. He left the class midway whilst they were doing work. I knew he had a lunch appointment. I asked him if he was coming back after lunch, and he said he didnt know. And he left.

At that moment, i suddenly felt that horrible pang, that, that was the final moment.

I was not prepared somehow for the moment. I couldnt bit back the lump in my throat, nor the tears that just welled out. Thankfully, the kids were preoccupied, and i could step out a few moments to gain some composure. It hit me hard at that moment.

He did return after lunch, and I finally walked him to the carpark. He said, dont make me cry. I said, I wont. So I just watched at the side, and waved him out of the carpark.

It reminded me of the last day of 2010, where i also said goodbye to dc at the carpark. It was also difficult, but i guess, i knew we could keep in touch. But sy is returning to msia.

sy is a very close colleague, and we just worked well together. From the very start, somehow we just clicked. Its not to say we didnt have disagreement or friction, but because there was mutual respect, we learn to give leeway for differences.

i hope after a break, he will find his direction....he is young, and i hope he finds happiness.

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it had been difficult after crossing my birthday.... ws says age is only a number... i also know alot is in the mind.... And i know i make things difficult for myself by thinking too much....

but the fact is, time has passed. To put it bluntly, what is certain, is the end. And what does one do in between, till the end?

And even if one says, dont think so far... i also dont know what is ahead that is 'near'. Quite a few have been asking me about my 'plans'. Plans about what? Honestly, i dont know either. At the moment, I acknowledge, I am without direction. What is best? Where is the direction? I really dont know...

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it is a good thing that school starts.... each teaching moment gives me the joy and meaning....

end of this year will see the end of this batch. i really like them...

actually if i was to turn the pages of my life, the greatest joy and most meaningful moments are always in school, as a student, and as a teacher....

whilst i have these moments, i will treasure them... i hope the kids will grow up happy....