Good-byes

Perhaps in this present advanced technological days, actually good-byes need not really be good-byes since people are within reach via sms, email, phone etc etc. Was reading yl's blog saying goodbye to her arp at jurong island and gerlynn yap writing abt missing boarding and room-mates.

Struck a chord because had also said goodbye earlier on.

What exactly is one sad about? After all, we all do get to see the people we say goodbye to. I guess it is the end of a phase? The missing of times that will not be the same, given circumstances had changed?

The inevitability of it being unrecovered?

Whatever. It is poignant and sad. Never sure which is harder. The one that left, or the one that is left. Again it depends on what is ahead for each. The one that is left with the harder situation is always the one that is sadder.

When i left scgs, more people cried than me. But i believe i missed them more acutely in the days ahead than they did me. And that for a long, long time. To this day, those were my best teaching times.

Activities always distract, and life would go on for those that are left. For me then, when i left, I had no plans. Only many issues to resolve. Again being me, I never stepped back into the school again for more than a year. Didnt want to go through the pangs of whether i should return. I didnt until I resolved what I had to. I was really tough then. No longer so now. No need to be so hard on myself and really cant take too much pain anymore.

Goodbyes are more heart-rending in time past, when distance really separate people, and communication is usually only by post. Some goodbyes last for years, decades....Long distance calls were hardly available or affordable.

And there are some good-byes that are too permanent.

Whatever Good-byes signify an end. And for some, a beginning... hence we bid Fare - Well.

By the way, for those who didnt know, Good-bye is actually the abbreviation of God be with you. Those who truly know the unpredictability of life (and the powerlessness of man despite all their thought and boast of their own strength), can only commend those whom they care for to God. Wishing that God would protect the other party, and watch over him/her.

As for missing the phase, the people, the times... well, that is life. Though sad, I am thankful that it is not that kind of permanent good-byes; or those fraught with pain and bitterness; But it is for the betterment of the person who would indeed fare well. That in itself is a comfort.

Good-bye Friend.

25 December 2010

Has avoided posting,rather, publishing postings, as most posts would be morbidly down.

Had quite a pleasant day yesterday, rather unexpectedly.

After PLee warned me that it takes at least 2 weeks to get furniture delivery, then i realised that i was really very very late. I know what i want when i see it, but didnt know where to go. Didnt help that most days were migraine filled.

Taking cues from different people, gone to ikea twice, imm, anchor point, and finally on 24th and 25th to ifc. 24th, i narrowed down a couple of items I would like, then 25th, ws went along with me and ld to give the extra edge in opinion. It was quite fun, after all. And now at least 3 items are purchased. With ws, it was prearranged to meet and have dinner. But since ld and dc were around, in the end, we met up at Rail Mall and by a choice of numbers (no one wanted to make a decision where to eat, so it was almost like drawing lots), we ended at this place (dun even know what the name of the place is) that served really nice and interesting platter.

Nice food, nice ambience, nice company, nice conversation, and we ended visiting one home to give me more idea of what to do with my place.

I only really realised it was 25th when i got back. Somehow, didnt quite register initially cos so many things on my mind.... Relieved and glad that I didnt register or I would have recalled this day last year.

It helps alot with company. Distraction. And reduced intensity of convolution.

It was one of the rare pleasant evening, that turned out well, unplanned. :)

Etched 铭刻

the door ajar? 门稍打开？
insidious 悄悄地

subtle 微妙地

Etched. 铭刻在内
how did you get in? 你怎么进？
when? 何时进？

unseen 不知不觉
unawares 无形中。。
too late 把们
the door 关闭
to shut 太迟了。

Etched 铭刻

within 在内
Aching 心底

Pain 疼痛.


destiny 对

plays a 没寻求
cruel 没期望者，
joke 命运
even on those 何必
that had 开

not hoped 残酷

that did not seek 的玩笑？
waiting

for ... 等待。。。

Time 时间。。。


.....to
cease 将铭刻

That 渐消失 Etch
That 将疼痛

Ache 渐冲淡。
within

Family Ties

Two events stood out today:

In the first, I saw the closeness of a family bond; the foresight of a man who cared and prepared for his family, and provided well for them even when he was gone; the thoughtfulness and love in a family in the time of difficulty. I was very touched, and learnt from the fortitude and values of the family.

In the second, I came back after 4 hours of conversation very disturbed. Perhaps I had been too naive about human nature, and too hasty. I have had many conversations with this person for nearly 5 years now, and had always been very sympathetic with her unhappy family matters. There were many disturbing strands in the conversations...

But what troubled me most, was the statement that moving near my sister may not meet the expectations I may have in being near my closest relation. A move she said she found it hard to understand.

In the issue, we have many differing values, and found we disagreed on the needs of family ties especially toward the latter days; how much one should do for those we care. Perhaps, pathetically, it is because of her own circumstance. There were many many conflicting exchanges...

Unfortunately, it is not merely a conversation entanglement. I really had been hasty. Quite foolishly so. I now have an additional matter to resolve.... i have got myself into a corner... sigh! I dont know how I am going to get out of this...

This conversation shook me very badly, because i had not expect to see many things which really I should have. But judgement had been marred by sympathy.

It is not that I value this friendship so much that I cant break it. It is just that i dont want to cause hurt, and at such a time...

=============================
Both events hinge on family ties.

But the crux is, the understanding of the true essence of love in a family.

Failed family instances which are many, do not negate what it should be. If looking after ones family to the end is not fundamental in ones value system, then truly education, both home and school have failed.

The good thing that come out of this really wasted time, (and the MESS that I have got myself into) is I am very much clearer of this:

I know my parents sacrificed alot for us and loved us, whatever the mistakes of the previous generation that did affect our lives. They would want sk and I to see each other to the end. And i know within their power, my nephews would want to do so too.

She kept telling me, you cant tell, and how would you know. True, no one will know what lies ahead. But as at this moment, I have totally no doubt of my sister's love and trust in me, and of my nephews good intent, which honestly I wont want to burden them either. But the intent is enough. And intent from family ties. No calculation. No whys. We are a family. That is the point.

And even as I write this, I realised i am very blessed. I cant say how things would be in the future, but I know we will do all we can to fulfil our duties to our loved ones.

This is what makes a family. Love.

Pensive Reflections

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." Sophocles

Had felt very trapped within myself this past week. I can only say past and present inter-mingled and I couldnt seem to distangle the invisible strings... and with that... resistance went down... and hadnt been well over these weeks

as it is, i knew what is ahead is a huge maze... positively, i am moving on.... actually, except for definite plans, i have no direction...

i am very very sorry for the hurt ky got into; she has been a quiet support to me, so seeing her in such sadness pains. But i know time is the healing factor, and keeping cheerful for her, which is terribly difficult. at least i managed to take her and her mum to botanics and lunch yesterday.

=================================

I had written in one post

"life is full of contradictions, and rationalisation and feelings just dont meet" and so it doesnt. When I wrote that, it was as a quiet bystander, observing many, many things.

It is easy to write as an observer. I rarely allow myself to get into such contradictions except things of a lifetime that cannot be changed. There is a natural barrier that I keep...very very few crossed that bar..

....the barrier needs to be strengthened...the bar has to be raised... it is my insulation....

=========================================

i now allow myself to cry; actually i didnt have a choice...........the loss of a lifetime has to be faced... now, almost a year later... i cant compressed it any longer...

it is hard for people to understand... i lived for mum alot... i protected her as much as i could... so it is hard to find direction when she is gone.... i never allowed her to see that it would be a struggle to me when she is gone... i knew it would be very very hard... in that i did very well... she really wasnt worried becos i was always composed...

ironically, she said to sk, she thought i was attached and didnt tell her... and asked her to ask me... ironical, becos i started dressing 'better' becos that was what she wanted; she always said how can any of her daughters be 'ugly' , well really, compared to her beauty, i am. But I made effort toward her end days and bought alot of clothes that made her happy... so she thought i was dressing up and always so cheerful.... quite comically sad... i told sk, ya, tiger is my boyfriend.... well, at least, she went, without the extra pain of worrying for me...

But... i am still left....

when i drove to school for the trip to malacca, i struggled to fight the tears that welled as many thoughts barraged through... she would have loved such trips, and would be happy i allowed myself to open up and 'travel'...

as far as possible, i now avoid company. my internal brake is not working.....and somehow the waters may just flow....

new conflicts really did not help....sigh... whatever... i will get passed it....
=================================

People talk about heart ruling mind or mind ruling heart. Someone said to me many many many years ago, I am ruled by my will. I realised that is fairly true. It is not to say I am wilful. I am not. I set my course, and however painful, I walked through. I sometimes dont know how I did it. But I did it...

I dont know if I am a heart or mind person. My reasoning is really far, far above the average. I never believed in love is blind. If you love, you should see clearly. Love is a heart and mind matter. Not just a heart matter. Believe me.

Most people see me as a mind person. One colleague said without the need to consider, you are 'li xin' which is strong in rationalised characteristic as opposed to 'gan xin' which is the 'feeling characteristic'

But I guess from the songs i identify with, the truth is, i am by nature and temperament, a heart person. Dad's traits in me, and the dealings of life has made me appear and live as a 'mind' person. Which makes things alot more difficult when the tumults and conflicts raged within.

The posting on 25 july 2010 with Sophocles quote helped me alot.... I remembered i wrote it becos i saw the kiddos blogs and their yearning for the happy times they missed in their mentor class.... and that brought alot of thoughts.

It helped because i wrote it and lived it. They are not glib's philosophy. They were my life's direction.

In the days ahead, there are alot of things I will miss that cant be retrieved because of time, because of events, of decisions.... and what is sad is that some things i had not valued because I had reservations, obstacles, mindset, and yes barriers.... and when the loss (which is many, sigh!) all come at the same time... it is overwhelming...

But I will pick up again...

I will, and MUST especially over these remaining days into a year of unknown....

Songs

Had a conversation recently about music and songs with someone... in describing some of the songs I liked in my era, I guess, they were mostly melancholic, pensive, but in particular the tune had character. I always felt they were meaningful, not sentiments for sentiment sake.

In my childhood to young adulthood, I never had a radio or tape recorder. Buying any of these items were extravagant. The first calculator itself was a birthday present from my friends at 17; the second, my dad brought it to hostel to me, and apologised that that was all he could give me...

I never thought it necessary to have music so instant. I was contented with the rediffusion. And you just hope and wish your favourite song will be played. And those songs that I like, I really loved them, and they had a lasting impression on me. Most of the lyrics I learnt by heart from listening...and sang to myself. I dont feel deprived. My friends had alot of things that I didnt have. But somehow, that never mattered to me.

That conversation stirred up alot of memories....that had tucked neatly away somewhere... It became alot more poignant at this time, when the closure to a chapter, a large and life-long chapter draws near with the move....

Having caught a few already, I thought I will capture a few more of my favourites, for my own listening pleasure. I know they too 'old', 'sad', and not to the palates of the present generation. But to me, they are full of flavour and character, and which helped me through my phases of life then....

Why all chinese songs? Somehow, they expressed my inner thoughts better? I love the language...

陳秋霞 - 第二道彩虹

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJWjfPiGIgk&feature=related

和你偎依在細雨中　靜靜地期待著晴空
等待天際浮現彩虹　把我倆心貫通

儘管天上一度彩虹　瞬息已消失無蹤
還有那第二道彩虹　留在我倆心中

遙看那天際　浮現出彩虹　你可還珍惜那往日雨中
我和你站在　彩虹的兩端　一個在西　一個在東

我又徘徊在細雨中　默默地期待著晴空
天際浮現出彩虹　身邊有誰與共

遙看那天際　浮現出彩虹　你可還珍惜那往日雨中
我和你站在　彩虹的兩端　一個在西　一個在東

想那天上一道彩虹　可會是愛神箭弓
把我那第二道彩虹　帶到你的心中



秋诗篇篇-刘家昌

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqWVBPSxLwM&feature=related

深秋楓又紅 秋去留殘夢

我心付諸於流水

恰似落葉飄零

轉眼之間白雪遮晴空

寒風襲嚴冬

莫待櫻花盛開春來

也踏雪尋芳蹤

白雪遮晴空

寒風襲嚴冬

莫待櫻花盛開春來

也踏雪尋芳蹤


我家在那里-刘家昌

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyCmj3VMdow&feature=related


南風又輕輕吹起　吹動著青草地

草浪緩緩推來推去　景色真美麗

夕陽也照著大地　綠草披上金衣

草浪夕陽連成一片　真叫人著迷

每當我經過這裡　忘掉一切憂慮

還有一條青青小溪　伴著青草地

順著小溪看下去　木屋站在那裡

那是我溫暖的家　我住在那裡



海鷗-刘家昌
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm9DptZv3gY&feature=related


海鸥　飞在　蓝蓝　海上　不怕　狂风　巨浪

挥着　翅膀　看着　前方　不会　迷失　方向

飞得　越高　看得　越远　它在　找寻　理想

我　愿像　海鸥　一样　那么　勇敢坚强

Alone

Alone
Insulated
No exhilaration
And no pain

Tiding through waves of storms
Weather beaten but not immuned;
Same wound re-opens,
Same scar deepens.

Reclusion
Free from the world
Free from cares
Free from feeling for others

Seclusion
Apart
Monotony with Immunity
Preserved

Alone
Protected
Serenity and Sanity
Remains

聚也依依散也依依

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeXpK2NiZNw&feature=related

聚也依依 散也依依

細數窗前的雨滴　細數門前的落葉

細數窗前的雨滴　細數門前的落葉

晚風啊　晚風啊　化為一句一句的低語

聚也依依　散也依依

傾聽海浪的呼吸　傾聽杜鵑的輕啼

傾聽海浪的呼吸　傾聽杜鵑的輕啼

晨風啊　晨風啊　化為一句一句的低語

魂也依依　夢也依依

偶 然

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNf6kvUl8Z8&feature=related

偶然

我是天空里一片云

偶尔投影在你的波心

你不必讶异无须欢欣

在转瞬间消灭了踪影

你我相逢在黑夜的海上

你有你的我有我的方向

你记得也好最好你忘掉

在这交会时互放的光亮

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YpqfKwnHVM

偶然

偶然，

就是那么偶然

让我们并肩坐在一起唱一首我们的歌

纵然不能常相聚也要常相忆

天涯海角不能忘记我们的小秘密

为什么，忘不了你

为什么，惦记着你

多少地时光流走

多少的记忆在心头

你悄悄地来，

又悄悄地走

留给我的只是

一串串落寞的回忆

Whirlpool

Powerful circular current
Stirred by conflicting tidal forces

Rapidly rotating current of waters
Impelling to the crux

Whirling mass of water, Engulfing Turmoil
Spiral motion of fluid, Swirling Confusion

state of mind or state of heart?

It is Obvious?!?

Had been thinking of this statement 'It is obvious' for some time, because in the space of 8 days, I heard it 4 times ... and the question in my mind is 'it is obvious?'
=============================
Case 1:

X has 2 routes to choose: options A and B. In the process of discussion over many days, I finally asked explicitly what is the heart's choice? And the answer was, i thought it was obvious, the option is A. Obvious? I wasnt sure, though by inference one can come to the conclusion if one knows X well enough. I really was not sure.

And anyway how to be sure, when finally, the decision was to choose the route option B?
==============================

Case 2:

In the course of narration of some past events that had spanned over years, Y remarked Z should know some things. Reason: It is obvious. I declined comment since I didnt understand the full scenario, nor were acquainted with the persons involved during that span of time.

But in my mind, I asked myself, is it an assumption that it is obvious? I dont know.
But experience tells me assumption of obvious-ness is often seen from one's own perspective and expectations....

============================

Case 3:

This time, I do know the course of events. It ended as abruptly as it started, over 6-8 weeks? In analysing the matter with P the cause and effect, P surmised that the initial part was miscommunication (I dislike this word, it is an euphemism for alot of things!). What to P was obvious was not obvious to Q. In fact Q interpreted the reverse of what P expected Q to understand.

Knowing P quite well, I asked P why it should be obvious? In fact, as a bystander, I am more inclined to the conclusion that Q had arrived. But I would have verified or be more patient and make further observations.

To me, as long as nothing is explicitly said or stated, there is nothing obvious from signs and symptoms. Impression/Inference is not sufficient grounds if I view the matter as important. Which, considering everything, it is important.

P concluded that mathematics training is such that from one statement, it reached the next statement, that is how a proof is arrived, and that was why, P had assumed that others would think the same way. It is still difficult for P to fathom why what is to one so obvious, can be not obvious to another, or worse, seen as the reverse?

Math is the training of the mind. Not the training of the heart. To perceive, to have intuition, to understand, to interprete.... is not a mind matter. And poor assumptions can affect alot of things, in fact most things, since whatever we do, we relate to people.

=================================

Case 4: (This is a typical situation for one that ask and get directions)

Went to NIE last Monday, and as usual, was not quite sure where I should head for after I parked my car. Experience teaches me, dont bother to wander, ask direction. There were not many people around, so when I reached a stairway, and saw 2 chaps, each on one bench, so I asked first of all, what level I was at, and secondly, where a particular building was.

Answer to the first question is a fact, I was at B1, so no issue. Answer to the second, the first chap said he did not belong to NIE, just using the spot to study. The second chap, forced to answer, said go to the gound level, you will see this building at the centre, it is obvious, you wont miss it.

Not very helpful, but I thought follow instructions. I went up, and looked around. The buildings all looked the same, and yes familiar since I had been there quite a few times. But obvious? What building at the centre? The centre is a field! I walked along the corridor, and looked sufficiently lost for someone to ask what I was looking for. He then pointed to the building in a particular direction. Then it occured to me, that this seemed to be newly built, and I didnt remember it there the last time I was here more than a year ago.

Perhaps that was why that chap said, it was obvious, since it was fairly new? He had assumed what was obvious to him, was obvious to me. What is obvious, to me, would be say, a red building in the midst of a row of blue or green buildings. That no one can miss. But if one is unfamiliar to the surroundings, just saying the building is obvious, is to me, as good as not giving any help.

===================================

So, is obvious, really obvious? The next time you say, it is obvious, the next question is, obvious to whom? And if you really intend the receiving party to get the message, then better be explicit!

I reviewed the cases, and noted that all who made the statements are (i) Male

My observation is it could be a gender difference. The fairer gender (it is OBVIOUS which gender I am referring to) tend to be more intuitive, cautious, and needs affirmation. Hence there is less occurence of such random statements of 'It is obvious'.

At the same time, the less fair gender, if you intend your message to really get through, dont assume anything is obvious. You may lose a major project, and more.....

(ii) Confident of themselves; Smart and capable.

Hence, perhaps these tend to think others think at the same level as them? Or being confident, they didnt need assurance since they can interprete obvious signs, but overlooked that others whom they assumed to be as capable, are actually not as confident of themselves and hence need confirmation?

The question you should be asking me is, it is easy to see the persons referred to are males, but how do I know they are confident, smart and capable?

My answer:

It is OBVIOUS!!! ;)

One More Overcoming....

Completed planned schedule ahead of time; car servicing completed earlier than expected. So I told myself, get over it, go and see her....even then, I procrastinated till evening... actually they live just 2 bus-stops away from me, so I have no excuse really not to visit her...

She was in the room when I entered the house... when they told her, it was me, she quickened her steps, and I walked to her, and she held my hands...she said she has been asking for me, but understood I was very busy, and teaching is not easy... and listed the people whom she knew (and i knew) that were teaching...

She has lost alot of weight, and is definitely deteriorating; she is now 87? she asked the same question again and again; she held on to my hand; and asked after my sisters....actually no one in my family ever visited her except me; when she heard I was moving much further, she said, I cant visit you. When you have the time, you must visit me.

In the end, I cried. I knew it would reach this point. That was why I didnt want to go.

Why did i cry? Because she understood I was alone? Because she was mum's closest friend? Because she cared for me? I dont know. Tears just flowed. Hadnt cried for ages. I didnt even cry on the 100th day at the graveyard. Actually I show my emotion least with my own siblings.

Whatever. I got through this. She is very fond of me. When she refused to eat when she had a fall, only 2 persons can persuade her to eat more. Her second daughter in law who is busy looking after her own grandchildren, and has not seen her. The other person is me. I knew that. Somehow, I was always good with the elder generation. And I know I am special to her. She saw the hardship we went through, and when I was the only one left to shoulder everything. I know she is mean to alot of people. But never to me.

I told her I will visit her again. I will. Out of duty; Out of bonds;

They asked me to take dinner there; I said I have appointment, and just dropped in shortly. My appointment is with my cats.

One more overcoming....I have crossed one more hurdle; the crux will be leaving this place;

I will move on....
======================================

Note: I had intended this blog as my diary. I need to write. El is one of the extremely few who rightly saw that I am very introverted. I am very articulate and communicative; but cant express the inner being in conversation. But I need to 'talk' ~ I need to hold out and carry on; this blog allows me to do so.... the outlet is good for me. So not to worry.... i will be ok. :)

Encourage yourself....

Yes, this is not the usual hour I am still up and writing... actually, alot of things have gone awry, but the bigger issues of packing and moving must still go on. I am halfway or nearly halfway in packing and clearing.... it is a heart-breaking time, but I must move on... I am halfway; must hang on... 4 to 5 more weeks and alot will be left behind. At least physically.

The thing about 'holiday' (the reason why the word is in quote mark is actually for some reason or other, work doesnt seem to end for me...and yes, I DO resent it by now,) is, you dont meet people. So basically, I 'talk' to myself alot, and writing becomes my main companion, apart from my cats...

I need to encourage myself. The poem below by Rudyard Kipling, I gave each 403(2009) a copy, but I doubt very much any of them thought much of it. As a literature student, I did a detailed analysis of the poem, but knew then, that there were depths of meaning I did not apprehend. This poem came back to me again and again through different phases of life, and pondered at the poet's immense wisdom and understanding of life and nature of man.

Dear friends, like me, some time in life, you will find that being a Man, worth the name, is not easy. This poem directs with alot of sublime wisdom....
=======================================================

If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Overcoming...

Finally went to ica on thursday to renew my passport ...

Suppose to have got it done in oct/nov cos it is expiring in a few months, and since i shd be attending kyc special day in jan, i will need it. But i kept finding reasons to procrastinate...

the last time i went there was about 2 year ago...fetching mum to make her passport...i was quite proud then to drive her there. That was the trip with B2 where she came back with terrible skin peeling from the sharpness of sea breeze...and that torment lasted a few months...actually we were all angry with B2.... from then, the deterioration began, and possibly the relapse in cancer...after 8 years.

Ya, everything came back.... I knew subconciously, that was the reason for the procrastination. As ica is very efficient, i came out within 15 min, so it wasnt too bad. i like the saying, a man got to do what a man got to do. ok, i am not a man, but well...it means what it means...i just got to face it.

Next overcoming would be vivo city... i had been there 3 times, twice with mum, once to celebrate zg's birthday 2 years ago when bil was not around...there was no compulsion to go there anyway... except someone may be inviting us for dinner in mid dec there... maybe the venue may change... whatever... got to face it.

there is a planned day trip to msia a week down the road, which i had been fairly enthu abt... but again at the back of my mind, mum surfaced. She loved such trips... but i didnt... i needed to work, and spare time is for giving tuition to bring in the extra needed... usually it was B2 that brought her, and i didnt like to be with B2's family...

I was quite surprised myself that i was prepared to go. Not that i didnt think of changing my mind, but i had committed others, and i knew this is the time to overcome...i was more comfortable lately and could talk about mum in conversations.

Thats good.
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I avoid talking with people over the phases I had been through in this bereavement. Well-meaning people can say things that hurt, especially when the words are so glib. Firstly they had not been through it; Secondly, different people take things differently; Thirdly, there is a past that contributed to the present.

What is important is one mustnt indulge, whilst giving sufficient time to heal...like tch said to me yesterday, the important thing is dont force yourself.
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I addressed tch as big brother. His mum was a single mother with 5 children; And my mum then was a single mother with 3 children, but much younger than her. They struggled through before mum met dad. tch always remembered my mum's kindness to him, and his family. In turn, he was kind to me. He is now in his early 60s.

I in turn reciprocated and without fail visit his mum whom i call 'ah kor' often, and she is very fond of me. But I felt very hurt that she did not see or ask after mum in her ailing state though tch and his brothers did come. I had not seen her for nearly 2 years now. She reminded me too much of mum.

She is also frail, and tch is very indulgent in looking after her. Too indulgent. I told him I was not prepared to visit her. He understood. I appreciated that alot. Especially when he told me she rarely had visitors. Not even her own children. All too busy. Even those not working.

Becos tch is the executor of mum's will, we had been in touch the past weeks. Yesterday, we finalised one admin round.

I thought thru and finally said to him yesterday, i will visit her these few weeks. I was surprised he looked happy, and said, she will be very happy to see you.

I asked him, she asked for me? He said, yes, but he told her I was very busy.

Two months ago, when i asked him the same question, he said, she doesnt remember much, and only remembers when she sees the person. i realised he didnt want me to feel bad. But he said again, only when you are ready. Dont force yourself.

Apart from sk, tch is probably the one that cared most for me. He was better than my own brothers. Mum knew too. That was why she made him the executor. Not her sons. And not me, to spare me implications. I will visit ah kor soon... dont want to regret.
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In this present, fast paced, glossy-surfaced, fun-focused generation, how would they understand the real issues of life faced one or two generations back? By pre-occupying themselves with activities to 'kill boredom', time to think and reflect is often lost. And often they dont even bother to listen at all. Much less to the older generation.

I am a very good listener. From a child, I listened for things said; for things unsaid. The pastime then was rediffusion, a form of media like radio. I follow through chinese pugilistic stories in hokkien by a one-man story teller 'Wang Dao' for over a decade. In listening, I figured out the plots and relationships and looked forward to every serial. No visuals. Just listen.

A skill I observe, very very few have.
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Many underestimate the tremendous importance of a whole family unit, a stable family... and often take for granted the love and care which stability of life allows parents to give. Stability provided by a safe country that is thriving well. Dont be so quick to criticise the government. Nit-picking is easy, especially when thats all you are doing. Nothing else.

The love and care you receive in your family is a result of a stable country. Value what you have.
And fears need to be faced...like pain. When the time comes, one must take the step forward to overcome. No one can do that for you. That I do understand.