the reason why i always knew what to say
                                                              ...... to wounded souls,

                                       is because....

                                                   these are the words i would have wished to hear

                                                                                                                                     .............  from a caring soul

pelican of the wilderness

 

ten years.....

 

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hear thou the silent

depths?

 

 

 

 

 

 

update

This is going to be a short update....short is relative to the long list of thoughts on my mind....

The past week was really in a muddled maze....i completed the assignment in a blog form (thanks for the technical support!), and though essentially I structured in all the content, in the end, I didnt have time to edit, and found so many places where it could have been better and left out some thoughts that i had wanted to include....sigh....so, it was disappointing for myself... I really wanted to do it well, as this is the last of my assignments...and i really enjoy doing it in a different way.....

somehow everything took so long to put together and the last 2 days were killing, especially the last day. I sat in front of the laptop for 17+ hours, leaving it only to feed the cats, and to get bread to eat ....and at the end of it, it was almost 3am....and i still had to struggle to go for remedial on sat morn....

my brain felt really really weird and zombed. Sprained brain.

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another significant event last week ~ hmy flew off to hku....and soon 2 more will be leaving....the kids are growing up....so fast....exciting for them.....for oldies, alot of mixed feelings..... o well....

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and the maid didnt come back as agreed. In many ways, no loss. Will not dwell on negatives. I am glad to have the chance to do the little i can to support sk, its good to have someone to care for....

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L's dad passed on last week....its going to hit her hard.... i understand, cos she is going to be alone, like me....

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prelim marking will start next week. i can see half the kids are really still not ready. though there is improvement, it was too much in too short a time...and........

on my part, i take a deep breath and brace myself for the next 7 weeks of marathon. Need to really strategise....but it all depends if they have the fight to work hard. I view this phase with alot of mixed feelings again....but whatever it is, i must complete it well, to make this year purposeful and meaningful. Though some things had turned out of course, the essence of why i am where i am now, is still there, and in a way, the effect is far more.

If one look only at tangible results, it may not reflect. Alot of lessons are not measured by results....one student wrote in their class fb, lets study hard and make ms c proud of us....this group has taken flight already, and i am thankful....

but there are still quite a few, who is still struggling to keep afloat....be it weak foundation or weak will....i just want them not to quit, to try to the end....

Its not going to be easy...in fact its going to be gruelling....especially when night study starts again........i need the stamina to pace them, to push them, to help them. Its not that results matter to me, it serves as an indicator, as a motivation, but i need them to believe in themselves, to break the vicious cycle of non-performance, to find value, in determination and hard work. I hope i will have the stamina to run this last lap of marathon.

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piles of backlogged work to clear....hope i can embarked on collecting data for dissertation once sept starts.....

Real Winners do not compete....

shouldnt be taking any break, much less write here, when i am barely half way through my assignment.....blame stangxr for it! He messaged me a link about education...i was intending to just glance through, then of course got caught!

Here is the link!

http://m.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/12/what-americans-keep-ignoring-about-finlands-school-success/250564/

I am not in a position to say whether the Finland system will work for spore, obviously, i have my own views.

But I definitely can see many valuable principles in it that Singapore schools and teachers should take note:

"Real winners do not compete.  .....................There are no lists of best schools or teachers in Finland. The main driver of education policy is not competition between teachers and between schools, but cooperation."

I cant agree more with this statement. REAL WINNERS DO NOT COMPETE! THEY COOPERATE!

This is EDUCATION

And many of the present day "educators" enter into the realm by competition, focusing only on their 'scholastic achievement' (which is basically exam grades for most) reduce education to competition and ranking, and use statistics to justify their warped educational values.

We have alot to learn from Finland. But at the end of the day... it is those that would and want to learn, that will learn.

meanderings....

have symptoms of frozen shoulder with stiff neck...limited movement...

Me: what do you do if you have  a frozen shoulder?
Nephew: Defreeze it.

Sigh
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allowing myself some space to meander .......not that i have worked hard on my assignment....could always work harder....at least there is some relief in that the structure is up...and some bits and pieces are falling into place...i just dont want to get into a panic state....not worth it....

i chose a terrain that i had not had much exposure...and though i can just ride it through a beaten path, i chose to walk through the maze....so my wanderings led me to Greek philosophers...then to argumentation and debate; logic and fallacy; dialetics and rhetorics;  pervasiveness of uncertainty and the power of certainty; critical thinking and critical decision-making....

i guess for but barely 10% of the write-up, i was really straying off... it is a little senseless....but then that is me....i am not meticulous, but i like to be thorough...when i write a chapter of notes, i ploughed through texts after texts, and as far as possible, from different countries, from different sources and tried to understand the flow of the mind and concepts.....whether anyone sees it is not material.... i need to get through my own mind, my own queries....before i can attain that equilibrium, to transfer that knowledge....

some years ago, someone told me a story that when he was in sec 2, he wanted to ensure he got into the best class in the streaming, and since humanites was not his strong subject,  to be sure he would score, he learnt by heart about 30+ model history essays that his teacher said the exam questions would be based on. And so he did very well. I supposed relating the story showed his determination or ability, i dont know. He was evidently proud of his effort, though  I thought that was weird,  but well, to each his own.

I recalled my sec 2 days, first of all, i guess i was never that desperate, there was streaming also, but, i guess i took it for granted that i would be fine. At that time, there were only 2-3 libraries in Singapore, and thankfully my school was situated very near to the National Library (which they tore down). I would go there , and look up the reference books to find out more about the historical characters mentioned in the history books, and discovered alot of discrepancies. I couldnt understand then, that well, text books were written based on whatever facts they want us to know. I would ask my teacher who was quite vague, so in the end, I didnt ask anymore. Of course, it was much much later, that i realised most students wont do what i was doing at that age...for no reason....o well....

Looking back, i am thankful that my teachers were totally against model essays, and disallowed us to make reference to them. This way, we arrive at our views and style independently. We were not taught...no remedials, no enrichment, and definitely no internet, hardly any photocopy either....we jsut read (if we can find the books) and think through....grades were subsidiary to independence of thought. This is especially so for Literature. Plagiarism is never a temptation. Surely, we want to be unique in our response

 so now, it reminds me alot of my school days...i really enjoy learning my way.....and now i am doing the same.....whilst it is really arduous to look up one reading after another, and pondering over the views of the writers, it does give one immense satisfaction, alot of room for reflection and  a sense of the spirit of inquiry, so absent in our day.....

 if only.... the deadline does not loom like a noose....

i have this feeling that in the end, it would be a scramble, just like all my final submitted work, a shade of what it could have been....sigh...the mark of the underachiever...almost there....if only.....that was what my lecturer said to me in her feedback for my last assignment....I would have given you an A if only....

the ironic part was the part she 'faulted' was sanctioned in a conference with her....o well, whatever....getting 'A' is the cherry....but i am still an advocate that the process, the journey is what learning truly is.... still, it would have been nice...sigh....

4 more days....but i have noticed my mind no longer worked at the same rate....i like to think it has however attained deeper depths and greater clarity....

whilst i do really enjoy reading and learning, i must say, i am thankful with the submission of this assignment this friday, it is the completion of all my coursework. Doing all 8 within 3 semesters have been a feat....and hopefully the dissertation within the next 6 months. ..

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home-wise, i do feel for sk and bil....having someone dear to you with a known terminal illness is like a death sentence....but through this, it has strengthen bonds....i am not part of the family there....i can only support at the periphery....it will be very trying.....for how long....as long as the young lady  is given as many days to be with her loved ones....with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, its painful....its going to be hard journey from here....

in a way the maid taking home leave at this period is good....i get to help them abit more.....i am determined to put more family time.....whilst i really dont belong....truthfully, i dont belong anywhere....but sk is my closest kin...and in her way, she loves me, as i do her.

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as to whatever i undertake thereafter, it is to do what good in the remaining life's journey... for meaningfulness.....

it is a leaving behind...and a looking forward, to seek for that better country, that better hope,

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelations 21:4

Yes, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.
For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country"         Hebrews 11: 1, 13-14

more food for thought....

Entire ignorance is not so terrible or extreme an evil, and is far from being the greatest of all; too much cleverness and too much learning, accompanied with ill bringing-up, are far more fatal.

Plato
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thousands and thousands of years ago, wise men had seen it all......and stated them down........but history repeats itself....as the fatality sinks deeper....

Food for thought....

"Democracy....is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequals alike."

Plato

Found this, in the midst of all the ploughing for my assignment....hmmmmmm.....food for thought....

To be, or not to be: that is the question

time will tell....

updates of sorts....

had wanted to write on a few thread of thoughts that are more philosophical........but time is running out for my assignment...which i still hadnt wrote a word...still conjuring and weaving it in my mind....

and some not so good new just crashed in....of a young lady, who had not had life easy from young, now in her thirties suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 ca .... and set me on another mind's journey....

apart from the education 'complex scenario', the other issue that can bring me into a painful maze is the medical 'system' here....more than 2 years ago, when mum passed on, i had written, of doctors, i will write another time....and i didnt...because it was still too painful then....

I wont now, because i havent the time....and it still hurts....but i will someday...maybe writing it will help...
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this national day break has been helpful. I didnt write anything about the day itself...i guess, again alot of thoughts. But yes, I was relieved that lky is still in relative good health. It isnt that i have no issues, but things must be seen in perspectives. There is alot that we owe to his leadership. More than we realise.

Had another good interview on Friday. Beginning to enjoy interviewing people you dont know but who can share so much insights in their area of expertise, from different angles. Also took the opportunity to drop by cpf, and have settled some loose ends that had been weighing heavily on my mind. 'loose end' sounds 'loose', but actually it is a weighty matter that will see to things.... i dont take alot of things for granted....who knows what a day will bring....and its good that i have clarity of mind after months of ponderings....
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Had remedial on sat morning, and was pleasantly surprised that the optional open consultation session drew nearly 30 kids. Seeing them in the canteen working on for 3 hours was gratifying. Its the process that I want to see them grind through. Even just the discipline of getting out of bed, getting out of the house, and working on an area that is tough for them. And not because they have to. Because they want to. This process must be applied in life's journey...to take responsibility for ourselves...and work for it.....Hope they keep up the momentum.

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unwellness and discomfort are slowly easing. Hopefully the stress of the next ten weeks will be well managed. Am more conscious of a 'healthy' lifestyle....so more water, more greens, and hopefully more walks! ld walked nearly  1.5 hours with me yesterday. :) Good for both of us!

Hopefully, by the time i next update, i would have made some progress with the assignment. Actually all the ingredients are almost there....its just the brewing....and i need to get out of this stupor and get started....someone said to me, u are miss c, u can do it. sigh...i wish i am that certain.... but i am ms c.  i must do it!

8 August

Today is one of the very few days in my life that I really feel very happy.
In a way I did expect it to be a good day. First of all, it was the day of the interview that I secured from Julia Gabriels Centre. When I first wrote in, I was trying my luck. And not very sure where it would get me. And the to and fro did stretch awhile. But when the gentleman, Mr Mark rang to fix it up, I was so happy! I really wanted to share my sense of elation then, and at that moment, I understand why fb can seem so convenient. I was surprised that my single statement, Yea, i got my first field interview, should receive so many encouraging response. And yes, i did need encouragement. Very badly actually.

So today was the day of the interview. It was also a day where I would be meeting up with nice people for lunch, and later for tea. But I was worried a little about the interview.

It turned out so well, far beyond my expectations. Not only did i gleaned all the information I needed and more, Mr Mark was also very generous with rich supporting resources which he emailed me after the interview. He took the trouble to email 3 times each covering a different aspect. And he also made a request to the school where he conducts the education program and obtained information for me to attend it as an observer next week. It was truly too good to be true! The generiosity, openness to sharing, professionalism, and warmth in education aspect is something that is not often seen in local education scene. To be honest, I didnt expect it, as I knew they were very successful in their specialised enterprise, and there is no need to entertain me. I was really over the moon!

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Then lunch with  good company, which is rare for me nowadays. Either i skip lunch or it is I, me and myself for company. :)

I looked forward to tea. xxx is my favourite company and it had been quite awhilse since we last had a good chat. There is a comfort level, a kind of commonality. One of the very few, i can be myself. And one of the very few that always understand my ideals in education. A good listener. Very considerate and one that goes the extra mile. Except with ld in our very regular catchup, I rarely go into details over happenings, always conscious of being brief so as not to bore others. With xxx, I can relate events in detail naturally. I guess a good listener appreciates another good listener.
So, i did expect it would be a good time. But it was more than that. xxx chanced upon this place with colleagues yesterday, and thought i should be acquainted with the place, seeing it is not far from me. I am not adventurous, and hardly move out of my comfort zone. And yes, I did like it very much!

I love the sea. Seeing the vast expanse stretched to the horizon, where the sky and sea meets....the rocks....the waves.....nature dominates more than any man-made structure is so rare.....I cant describe what seeing that view did to my soul. There was a sense of  restfulness, that sense of release from the hustle bustle, that sense of serenity, a sense of refreshing.  Saw a huge monitor lizard, about 2 feet long or more? And it was quite at home, obviously certain it would be safe despite these homo sapiens around!

That three hours there was almost like taking a break from "civilisation". It is one of the moments of quietude and joy that is comforting. One of those special moments that is inexplicable, irreplicable, and which one cherish.

It is very rare to have such a good day, almost perfect. I am content! :D Thanks so much!

Pause...

its ironic that one learns to pause, often because the body sent out warning signals...

actually, i have noted that i have been short-tempered over the past weeks.  The kids also noted the change...and i feel bad to be like that.... It not pushing myself that is the issue. Its having to push others...and for some, the force to break the inertia is immense....

A couple of days ago, one kid said in class, ms c, why are u so angry? That was when i had to pull my hand brake and come to a halt. As it is, i am using my reserve energy. And there are a few amber beeping signs healthwise. The kid who said that meant well. Actually she is one of those who  are on task, and also considerate. She actually got me some food, knowing there was no food in school on saturdays. Her words caused me to pause inwardly...

i have always made it a point to be positive and cheerful in class. This way, it helps to make learning pleasant. But that is assuming there is a spirit of learning. Not all is on the same page. But all must be on the same page. My motivation has never been outward pressure. In fact, i am quite certain, with the present form, the results from this batch would be better than the previous year, and target set would be met. But that is not the point to me.

I see every child as an individual. When someone say they dont understand, there can be a few reasons. i have to admit i am frustrated because i can understand why the few didnt understand. I would have like to do a lesson more pedgagogically suited to the learning needs of these few. But, i dont have the time. As it is, i have to re-teach practically every topic. But more frustrating than that, is that, they dont help themselves. Not even to take up a pen/pencil to copy.
And my patience is running out. Actually it has run out. Prelims is in two weeks time.

But i dont like to be like that. That is what i have resisted for a long time. I remembered many years ago, whenever i got so agitated with the kids, especially when the critical stage was coming up, and they were not ready, I would keep telling myself, its only maths. Dont get so worked up. This is not teaching. This is not learning.

Actually even when i scold the kids, i do listen to their words. And really wished i could do better. if i had the time. Part of the problem is myself. Probably alot of the problem is myself. I dont want to let any go, if i can help it, and i set a pace too fast even for myself. My physical energy could never keep up with the mental drive within.  And the tendency to focus on the imperfections....

I took a few steps backs, and do a review. Actually, more than 90% are making progress, and in fact for some, the progress has been very marked and stable. And most of them, have been receptive to advice. But the determination, organisation, and retention is lacking....There is less than a handful whose attitude is really repulsive, and i must ignore this handful. Thankfully, at this point, the negative influence is no longer pervasive. I should stop reacting, wishing for a change that they do not want nor even think they need.

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Listening is a skill that everyone should cultivate. Reading, seeing,hearing, listening are the receptiive aperture to the soul. One may hear. But not listen. We may react to what we hear. But not reflect upon what we heard.

Listening has an impact within. Listening needs to be cultivated. And the more you listen, the more you will hear and listen.

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And in any case, at this moment, i have no choice. i have to slow down. The pace has been too punishing, and the body system is protesting...its going to take time to get back the balance ..

yes, one must pause, take a deep breath, and slow down.... for the next few weeks....

 ....and the race will be on from sept again....but hopefully by then, we will be running at the same pace....