《感恩》Give Thanks

Emilia emailed the lyrics...just what I wanted...
《感恩》 作曲：陈卫东 作词：正兴法师

感恩每一滴水，它把我滋养， 感恩每一枝花，带给我芳香，

感恩每一朵白云，编织我的梦想， 感恩每一缕阳光，托起我的希望。

感恩父母，给予我生命， 感恩老师，教会我成长，

感恩帮助过我的人，使我感受善良， 感恩伤害我的人，让我学会坚强。

生活在感恩的世界里，感恩的世界和谐美丽，

生活在感恩的世界里，感恩的世界有我有你。

感恩父母，给予我生命， 感恩老师，教会我成长，

感恩帮助过我的人，使我感受善良， 感恩伤害我的人，让我学会坚强。

生活在感恩的世界里，感恩的世界和谐美丽， 生活在感恩的世界里，感恩的世界有我有你。

GIVE THANKS
Give thanks for sustenance from every drop of water
Give thanks for the fragrance of every stalk of flower
Given thanks for every cloud that helps weave my dreams
Give thanks for every ray of sunshine that stirs up my hope
Give thanks for my parents who give me life
Give thanks for my teachers who nurture my growth
Give thanks to those that helped me and taught me the touch of kindness
Give thanks to those that hurt me and taught me how to be strong

Living in this world of thanksgiving; this world of thanksgiving exudes harmony and beauty
Living in a world of thanksgiving; this world of thanksgiving, there is you and me

Give thanks for my parents that give me life
Give thanks for my teachers that nurture my growth
Give thanks to those that helped me who taught me the touch of kindness
Give thanks to those that hurt me that taught me to be strong

Living in this world of thanksgiving; this world of thanksgiving exudes harmony and beauty
Living in a world of thanksgiving; this world of thanksgiving, there is you and me

26th march concert...

Its been some time that I felt I enjoyed something....and I really enjoyed this concert....

partly because i didnt quite expect the program...and i love good singing...and yes all the singers were good..and the professional soprano is really a treat. In particular I found the chinese song so meaningful...that i thought of translating it...

I like the beginners violinists showpiece....what i found encouraging was whether u are at the baby stage, or at the highly professional level...the range is there. And emilia made a wonder pianist accompaniment bringing out the best of the singers....and yes, i remembered joshua...and the words on the slide...dont live a day with regret...

its been a long time since I touch the piano, and really didnt feel like picking it again...but i feel motivated to do so now....

the best of this concert is, there is a place for everyone...musical, not so musical...there is a family spirit, and everyone is drawn in.... good old emilia...she did it again...and i am very pleased for her....its a night truly well spent.

direction-less

Although i knew, yet in a way I didnt know how much and how deep is mum etched within me...

I marvelled sometimes how I can carry on so normally in the course of my duty. But that is only at school....


My life has come to a standstill..... yet I keep moving, because I have to...

How long will this pain last?



John Denver put it so aptly... perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflicts, full of pain....


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Yesterday, news of Joshua, Emilia's grandmother, and Mr Moo passing came.....more deaths....




Painful to hear.... I know more people aregrieving..... like me....



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J2 has asked me over for dinner for some time. finally did so last nite and asked sk over too. T1 and T2 are really cute.... very cute....nice of J2 to ask me to come and get distracted.... actually she has been very thoughtful, tho she may not appear to be so.... i guess she appreciated the fact that i stood by her when she had T1 before she was married... and becos they were not too well off then, tho I didnt like family 'gatherings', i made it a point to go to her place whenever she asked, and brought mum along....



yes, i remembered mum when i saw the boys... and mum loved the look of T1...she would have been happy to see them running around.....



i thot maybe i shd spend more time with them.... but there is a deep fear of loving and losing....

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kuech has been bugging me abt taking lunch with her and mag.... gave her a tentative date which is 2day, but tried to wriggle out with excuses...but she insisted, and persisted...in the end i gave in and met her and mag for long lunch. talk mostly of ednal stuff, since mag and I are teaching and both of them have 4 school-going kids.... practically i know kuech since i was 7, and mag since 13.... so it dates really back....



Kuech was quite taken aback that i did nothing to clear mum's stuff. HC also asked me today.... i dont know why they are surprised.... am i suppose to? I cant take it. Thats the truth. I cant face it... I dont know if it is wise to delay... but i have no goal, no direction....



for those hours i was distracted..... then back home....to solitude.... there is plenty of work....but i am tired of working..... and actually my headaches are getting very bad.... it is almost impossible to work on.....



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I need to find another point to determine my direction vector for the path ahead.... there are so many points....



wisdom from past experience teaches one that in such a state, just stay where u are, as u are.... life teaches that it is not true what is shown in the movies, that one can leave and start anew.... the past and pain remain within....



ssh, u cant go on like that! u must pick up!



but i need a long rest.... i wish i can rest and wake up without that pain....



i remembered those painful years in 2000-2005.... i dont have another 6 years to hibernate in grief.... i withdrew then into seclusion....read, write, knit, learn music, drew.... all in solitude... and never dreamt I could make a comeback to the teaching scene....



if i withdraw again, i wont have the energy to comeback again....



i need to find direction.... but probably not now.....

kyc said she will not write sad things so as not to affect those who read....i really want to do the same... but sorry, i really have no strength to... that i can carry on my duties is really the mercies and grace of God... as i had written before....

Dont expect grief to be momentary....if it can go away like that....it cant be grief....and if it can go away like that....then where is the depth of humanity?

I believe in restraint, alot of restraint.... but writing is my vent, it is the expression of my soul... let me have this space for sorrow to trickle from the depth within....

waiting for time....

It hasnt been easy to update. Not just because of time factor. ...

The spirit is so low; the wound so painful; the memories so poignant; the anguish so unbearable....the past reverberates again and again thru the mind and soul.... i miss mum very much....very very much....

Headaches have been awful...painkillers just acted like red traffic light... then the pounding persist thru the day, thru the nites....

last week i dreamt of mum...i was with her trying to get her up a slope to the hospital, there was no ramp for the wheelchair, I tried to support her up, then she said she felt really unwell and terrible, and then she vomitted blood...it was awful...I woke up in much distress and had to keep telling myself, she is gone. Mum is gone. I cant do anything anymore to help her...

Everyday as I parked outside her apt, I tell myself, she is gone, really gone. I dont know how long its going to take for me to get through this tunnel.... there had been some unpleasant situation with S1 and B2...they wanted to see the will...I dont understand why...I already told them the content...I just want to have time, to recover. I cant stand moving her things. Its just too final. I need time... I dont know we all feel differently... I am holding off till 100 days...i really hope I pick up by then...i dont understand them...and dont want to...

Met mdm f for breakfast this morning....she has had her 6th chemo... 2 more to go.... I hope she fights on tho it is a losing battle... I dont know what to say to her sometimes... she told me apart from her family members, she only told 2 persons of her relapse. I was one of them. all the more I need to stand by her at this time .... i feel very sad. very.

The good thing abt going to sch is u see life. Young lifes. It helps. And it does keep the mind occupied. Tho too occupied, its hard to work thru that pounding on the head...sch is the only place I dont associate with mum....otherwise everywhere I go, the remembrance floods the mind...

There is suppose to be a one week break...but as all know, what break? Its too short to clear the mountain of work...but life must move on....I need to find my direction vector....

time to count blessings.... ky back with me is a big consolation. She is really very considerate and understands my moods well. She is truly a balm on the soul. ld asked me out for dinner today. am glad cos things hadnt been ok btw us... he looked better and more in control... i was glad of the effort he is trying to make... not that he need to cos i do understand its really a tough time for him...

i must look up...count all my blessings...and move on...they say time heals... but time takes its own time... i must be patient...if experience werent on my side, i truly would have despair...

I am conscious of my responsibility to those who take the trouble to visit me here... i do want to write happier things, things that encourage others... but this is a time of pain... give me time to grieve, time to bear the pain... give time for the wound to heal....mum is really gone... and i really miss her...

i am waiting patiently for time....to mitigate...to ease....time....

Randy Pausch reprising his "Last Lecture"

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8577255250907450469#

Year 4s had a kind of Career Talk by the School Counsellor for ACE...during the talk, this short 12 minute video was played...and it has a deep impact on me....and I really hope on the kids as well...

This man when he was talking was just a couple of years younger than me....he died... but his lecture left a legacy, a legacy he intended for his 3 kids...when they grow up, which he will never see...He didnt complain, why me? He said life dealt this hand to him, and the lecture was not about death, but about life, how to live it.....

To me, it wasnt that he reached this stage, months left to live, to say these words....he has lived his life, therefore he could give this lecture. True the impact of death coming to himself must have been deep and for such a feeling and thoughtful man, painful. But his courage soars....and it did not come overnight, but a lifetime of building up....

When I was a teenager, I attended a 'church camp' where every group had to put up a skit, and I hate skits. Nevertheless, I came up with the idea that the skit be on a girl left with only a short time to live, what would she say or do. I remembered often after that, I wondered to myself, why is it that people must wait until that moment, to reminisce and ratify....and i reminded myself oft to live each day as though that may be the last.

During the period of SARS, when the newspapers were filled with sad news day after day, I was not teaching then, but I was quite taken aback by the immensity of how many died, and the fear that begin to grip the people then. I remembered reading an article then about Israel and there was this quote by a mother in Israel. She said, she never allowed her children to walk out of the house angry with one another, because in Israel where there is constant war, one can never tell when you will see the person last alive...

I quoted that to sk when she got mad with zg and zl (with good cause), I said to her, be thankful everynite your sons come back well...Hence I am also careful to settle 'accounts' each day.... so that should the last breath comes unexpectedly, I would not regret that I had not done this or that...

There are many things that Randy Puasch said that is really strike the inner chords, especially the clear distinction between a thing and life...this is highly recommended to be an ensample of how one should live and really he is a pioneer, achiever, thinker, humanitarian...I would wish many of my students would learn his ...I dont need them to be great, I only need them to learn to live, and live well, and live for others....just as I wish to do the same....