10 December

It wasn't my intention not to write in October, nor in November. There were alot alot of thoughts, but time was a critical factor. By the time, it reached the night, I am almost always tired. Writing, as in everything else needs a clear mind.

If I was to sum up what had taken place over this period of nearly three months, really it can be aptly summed up in the post, 'Borrowed Time'. Through this time, the news of ill health came from a few quarters, a few from people that matter deeply to me, either of themselves, or their loved ones. I am grateful that it had not reached the irreversible....but still the reality of the closing in of borrowed time hits home. And yes, it caused deep inward pain. In some cases, very deeply pained.

Some other situations also led to the unexpected recurrence of nightmares. The subconscious is not a realm that one can control. But what one can do in the conscious, is to be clear, that the past is the past. What once haunts can no longer hurt. And as to fears of the future, I can trust wholly in God whom I believe with all my heart. I cannot understand how people can be so blind and obtuse to the reality of creation and the Creator, of the love of God and the salvation that is declared for sinners. Chiefly because they cannot believe they are sinners, that need salvation? I can only say, I know I am a sinner and in great need of salvation, and this I know from my youth, and the need is even greater as one passes through time. The fact of the hypocrisy and false and superficial profession of the vast majority of Christendom is often used to justify their unbelief. Nothing justifies it. At the end, everyone has to answer for himself, and not blame another for his own faithlessness, if not, outright arrogance in declaration of atheism or agnosticism.

Tcm course kept my life somewhat structured and occupied, especially in the fortnight leading to the exams in the last week of November. My intent had been to write after it. But, I would fall ill, and quite ill, one of the worst bouts since 2013 pneumonia, though thankfully, i averted bronchitis and pneumonia through early tcm treatment. Even then, that feeling returned, like a battery losing strength...

Some time during a period earlier, must be, maybe around September, I somehow saw things a little differently. Instead of feeling the ebb of life's energy like a depleting battery, the image of a battery being charged near to capacity came to my mind. I would want my life to be as such, that at the end, it is not an ebbing, but that it had lived to its purpose, however miniscule at the end. I realised it had alot to do with my frame of mind. I was more hopeful, more positive, and wishing more to leave things meaningfully for the next generation. Its not to say, I have no fears, seeing the charging reaching its capacity in due course. That I will touch in due time in another post. But yes, I want to pick up each time I am knocked down, firstly not to be a burden; secondly, there are still meaningful things I can do for a little someone.

What hit me very hard just as I was trying to recover was Brownee's taking a turn for the worse. Its not illness in itself that is distressing, though it is. But it is her frenzy seizures, leading to snarling, self-hurt, uncontrollable movements, falling from table tops, kitchen tops, top of stairway....that is the greater nightmare. And her attacks come in the night, sometimes through half the night. And in one of those, a few days ago, because she was so insecure and needed to be near me, in sleeping with her, she inadvertently bit me again, the fourth since last december, in the early hours of the morning. My heart breaks not for being bitten, but for her sufferings. Its very easy to say, its kinder to euthanise her. When you see she still has so much life in her at other times, and this is confirmed by those who saw her and told me, she looks normal, how can I just end her life because I appear to have the power to make the decision.

I am thankful for having a very kind vet who is accessible through messages, although i do try never to take advantage of this access she gave to me. B is now on maximum dosage for gabapentin, medication for painkiller and seizure and antidepressant. There were episodes daily but much milder these last two days. And tcm still plays its part to help her in other areas. I do not know what each day will bring. I do know there will be an end, some day. And it may be soon. It is painful and yes, frightening as well, to see her, not the sweet cat as I knew her. And yet, there will be moments like yesterday, in one of her calm frame, she jumped up to my lap, rubbed her face against mine, and kissed me, and then snuggled to sleep on my lap. These moments are very very few these days, and I cherish them, knowing....yes, knowing there wont be many. I thought again and again, if I knew the pain and suffering would be this bad, would I still say, its better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all?

I dont know. I only remembered that rainy day in 2003, when I went to look for her mummy and her litter and couldnt find them as there was a huge storm earlier, I had cried. That period was the worst desolation in my life, and seeing the mummy cat and the littler had given me the consolation at that time of utter bleakness. Since then, I have regarded T and B as prince and princess and have given them love, shelter, and care. And they in turn have returned with true affection seen in so many ways. Because B has really trusted me, and in her suffering looked to me, I have the responsibility to nurse her as well as I can, and allow her to have her fullest life, until the illness caused her more suffering than living. Yes, its hard to gauge. But, that she still enjoys her food, still wants to climb on my lap,  still look at me with that pleading eyes, I will continue to do my best. I pray for wisdom. I have none.

And in this kind of turbulence, nightmares would return as it did last night. Always the same people that had dented my life. Still. I am above it.

Whether it is the slow trickling of life's energy, or the gradual charging to completion, I know, all too well, its really borrowed time. Writing is one of the very few ways that I can leave behind some of the things that mean the most to me in education. I must somehow make a start. As for tcm courses, I have learnt much, but am well aware the lack of experience would render me inadequate ever to consider doing that much good via it. Still, I would continue, at least for the foreseeable year ahead. I would expect to clear the exams though I did not put in full effort. But adequate enough to say, I did study, something that is really new to me. I have no doubt, if i were to study intensively and solely for it, I would do well. But, it would be at the expense of time with people, and more meaningful things I could do. So, just enough is adequate.

These past weeks, time is really centred on feeding medication, monitoring progress, keeping a peaceful environment. Also, to adapt to the things that must come when its time to let her go. I am thankful for the support of J and K, whose constant visits through these past months have been critical to giving me the impetus to limp on, however collapsed one may feel within. I don't know how any young persons would be willing to spend more than 2 hours travelling to and fro, just to accompany my for grocery or for dinners, and that regularly these past two years. I owe much to these two. No matter what front of strength, no man is an island. Everyone does need support. And given my gruff obstinacy to be independent, their sincerity, consistency, constancy had broken through to allow me to accept their help. I am very grateful for them. And for the many friends and people who care and would have wished to do the same, but for many circumstances. I fully understand. Somehow, I do feel loved. This is new. I never did.

Other thoughts are best left for another time. Truly, no one knows what a day will bring. But I do know, each day is a day the Lord has made, and I will be glad in it. Perhaps this is a more 'feeling' post than before, but for all its sadness as B and T as i had written, is the love of my life, it is not a post of hopelessness. No one has power over death save the Lord Jesus Christ. That I am saved by such a great salvation, that I know there is a better hope, a better promise, in the world to come, not because I need to be deluded, but I know the Scriptures is true, and God is true, I know I am alot more blessed than the many would would be on the broad path, and wide gate. The Lord said, in this world, ye shall have tribulations, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world. (John 16:33). And I believe every word the Lord has spoken. So, in my sadness, I am comforted.

I would hope to write again before the year come to a close....whatever the close of the year may bring....and for whatever days and time I have, I will remember ~ not to live in vain.