Contentment...

Its been two weeks since I last post.

Silence has its virtue....with time, amplitudes of oscillations get smaller and smaller... until the amplitude tends to zero....a state of stability...

And I think it is nearing.... I hope I have found my direction vector....

I have settled in quicker than I had thought in this new place. And it helped alot to bury the past. The pain is dull, no longer that piercing acuteness. That, I am very grateful.

I have also adjusted better than expected in the Masters course. Cant say I have been doing as well as I would wish. Sigh, I just am not kia-su enough, and lacks that killer drive to attain. But i enjoy the reading, discussion and learning process immensely.

Most of all, I enjoy teaching. In talking to various persons to feel my direction, I am all the more certain of my vocation. Whatever my detour, I will return back to teaching to the end of my days. Seeing someone overcoming obstacles, gain understanding and attain to some knowledge is really a joy.

When I think of the batches of students I had seen through and who acknowledged me when I no longer recognise them or still write or visit me even after 17 years, I feel contented.

Was rummaging my drawer just now, and found many notes and cards (thankfully, I still kept some, regretted destroying 2 bags of them when i moved), i know i have not live my life in vain. I am content.

This is to record my present peaceable frame. There are other thoughts and reflections but it suffices for now to just feel this sense of contentment.

Still looking for that direction vector...

I am very very sad for Japan. Its tragic.

And all the more poignant when the citizens faced the calamity with calmness and stoicism. Would it be the same for Singapore? When even simple exercise like fire drill is taken so lightly by kids and adults alike.... the price of phenomenal success taken so much for granted by a 'performance-obsessed' generation.

I remembered too well the oil weapon in the late 1970s; the spyros disaster in 1978; the collapse of hotel new world in mid-1980s. The newsreel was vividly imprinted in my mind. I know its really true, to be prepared.

It also reduces all seemingly 'big' issues into its proper size. No one can stand against the unleashing of wrath of natural catastrophes.
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insulated within the 'safety' of our environment, our tiny existence is over-inflated. nevertheless life does go on as normal for us. And too many here are unmoved by sufferings of fellow beings.

'What do you want?' I had been asked whenever I seek for advice and direction. Ironically, if i know I wouldnt seek to hear views. In a multitude of counsellors there is safety. I never dare presume I am right.

A year ago, this seeking of direction had begun. I read back postings where i kept looking for my direction vector.

Today, I was asked again, it depends what you want.

Inwardly, I sigh. It is not that I do not know what I want. Sometimes, most of the time, I know.

But what you want may not be viable; It may not be possible; it may not be for the good of all; And sometimes, it is almost like, does it matter, what i want?

if i was to ask myself what i really want, it would be just to be contented, to be a village girl, to be a typical stay-at-home family person. At heart, that is really all i want.

But there is no village. There is no one to stay at home for. Caring can only be within the heart; cannot be shown. Ironic as it seems, this is sometimes the only way to maintain ties.

alot of circumstances cannot be changed. But that is not catastrophic.

Someone said very perceptively that I am a communal person, one that lives for a community. True. In my anti-social introversion, I know community gives meaning to my life. So its hard.

Look up. Keep looking for your direction vector....i will find it somehow...

Courage

The stories of past courage can offer hope, they can provide inspiration.

But they cannot supply courage itself.

For this each man must look into his own soul.

~ John F Kennedy~

Dont take Education for Granted

Finally, settled down for the first time to try to start on the draft of my assignment. Decided to visit moe website to get some data, and ended up reading the parliament debate on education.

I was very touched to read Mr Ng Eng Heng's personal recount of his family background. He touched on the Singapore story, which many in his and my generation are familiar. (www.moe.edu.sg/media/speeches/2011/03/07/fy-2011-committee-of-supply-de-1.php)

I would not be where I am without education. In my days, only 5% or so make it to the University. Working was the norm. I know I owe it to the Peoples Association and to MOE who gave me merit bursaries from Pre U (JC) to University which allowed me to attain to my dream of obtaining a University degree. I cant say education in the full sense of the word was availed then through the systems. But without the pathway of education, I am unlikely to be as thinking as I now am.

Alot of things did not happen by chance. When you read through all the 4 reports (if you even bother to do so), ponder how much resources have been given to you, and to all the young in the country. There is alot alot of planning. I am touched by the wide spectrum covered. Things are really alot better in this present generation. And it is only possible because of the steadiness of our economy.

True, there were mistakes and misjudgments. Actually, alot happened at the executive level, how people carried out the policies, missing the spirit of it, and applying the letter only.

Its easy to run down, to find faults, to criticise. But it is really hard to build, to ratify, to construct. And no one can do anything on his own. When i see the construction work going on at the site opposite my block, each builder does his bit, and cant see the whole; but each bit build up to the whole. No one can do without the other. Its the whole team.

I hope the kids who have had such wonderful opportunities in education, and with more options opening before them, will remember their roots ten years down the road, and build up for the generation after them.

Dont take the education you have for granted.

Encouragement

~ Nine tenths of education is encouragement ~

Anatole France

The Courage to Teach

The ex-registrar of scgs gave me this book " The Courage to Teach" as my farewell present when I left scgs. She wrote me a card, and said, a teacher at heart will always be a teacher. And she knows wherever i go, I will always teach.

In this book, Parker J Palmer says,

"- We invite diversity into our community not because it is politically correct but because diverse viewpoints are demanded by the manifold mystery of great things.

- We embrace ambiguity not because we are confused or indecisive but because we understand the inadequacy of our concepts to embrace the vastness of great things.

- We welcome creative conflict not because we are angry or hostile, but because conflict is required to correct our biases and prejudices about the nature of great things.

- We practice honesty not only because we owe it to one another but because to lie about what we have seen would be to betray the truth of great things.

- We experience humility not because we have fought and lost but because humility is the only lens through which great things can be seen- and once we have seen them, humility is the only posture possible."

Sublime words. To be assimilated and lived.

Price of Decision

Every decision comes with a price.

Material loss can never be measured against the non-material.

The ache in the heart seems to sear forever. Experience teaches it will not, though it really hurts till it ceases.....when time finally buries it.....

It hurts because it was an long intense labour of the heart, soul and love; because it is a life vocation; because vision of one's dream was in sight, though it was still far away; because so much hopes have been dashed.

But it is only the shell. The kernel is gone. Reality has to be faced. Sooner or later.

Procrastination and self preservation say later. Minimise material loss. But pride, dignity, principle say now. You have procrastinated long enough. There must be an end. You know there must be.

painfully you have to let go so many, so many that you care... its been a home to you....

Illusion; Disillusion. Sigh. Yet another beginning of an end. Searing pain....

close your eyes and bear it...Endure the price, since you did not endure as u said u would...

Be Positive!

Naturally critical people find it hard to be positive, except to do so just to contradict others. This is especially so for those who are high function in the rational mind.

Yes, I am naturally critical.

But thankfully, the love of teaching and lifetime experience taught me that a teacher must be positive. Children learn what they see. I want them to be positive. So, I have learnt to be positive. That in turn helps temper my critical faculty.

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Had been really despondent since Tuesday.

Last nite, my part-'night-marish' sleep returned. I had not been troubled by it since december. Woke with splitting head. Again had not had bad head for some time.

Cant seem to find a way out through my own thoughts.

Somewhere in the evening, during the break from my nie lecture*, (I am now addicted to ntu mc fillet which is super cheap there), I told myself:

Be positive. You cant change others (I must qualify, I mean adults. Kids you still can teach), and they will not change. Its beyond you. But you can change the way you take things. You can change your circumstance. You can adjust to new things. There are things you can change. And if you can make some positive change to those that are more needful, then that is positive.

True, its sad to let go dreams. Its sad not to fulfil life-long aspirations.

But I have alot, alot, alot more than what I had before. There had been much, much, much worse times. And then, there was so many factors to consider. Now, seriously, I have nothing that i need or want except to live life more meaningfully. There are many, many more paths.

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Be positive, no matter how down.
Be simple, no matter the complications.
Be happy, even when sad.
Contradictions, but I know its possible.
I am at peace with myself. I will keep positive! :D

* (my lecturer did a random stratified sampling check by calling names to answer questions. No attendance is taken for lectures. A few was caught mia. My name was called after break. haha, i was there! I am very proud of myself! )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIGER AND BROWNEE!

HAP-HAP-HAPPEE-HAPPEE BIRTHDAY!!!!

now its march...

Didnt intend feb to end without any post, though i wasnt in a posting mood, and the froggies didnt help...

last 2 weeks was a battle to get brownee back to normal, and again a bomb with the wrong vet, then back to dr nathan... who is an excellent vet... by now, thankfully brownee seems ok... tho she must see dr nathan one more time next week, and taking her to the vet is always traumatising for her and for me.

didnt help to be sick...though by now, i finally threw off that bronchial cough! If i keep that up, next week can eat ice-cream! i have kept away from cold drinks/dessert for a month.

had thought this week everything is stable and life would be peaceful. In fact ld said that to be able to wake up and walk around without any illness or pain is in itself a joy. He has been sick and so were a couple more in my lorong. There is some potent viral/bacteria lurking aound.

so actually feb ended on a happy and relieved note. March should begin well, and i was happy.

i dont understand, and i dont bother to anymore. Something snapped inside. I made up my mind.

I am not a rash or impetuous person. I think through major matters. Sometimes too much. But I am decisive, especially when the limit is crossed and that last strand of tolerance snapped. Making an immediate decision, is not equivalent to rashness, that is without thought. If consideration has been carefully weighed for a long time, then however quick the decision, it is not impetuousity.

If after seeking alternative views from those that i respect, and i still know my decision is not wrong, whatever impression others may have, then it is not rash.

Sigh. I am sad. Very. But i will move on.
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Tomorrow is brownee and tiger's 8th birthday!