start somewhere....

Just read the article 'Before I go' which I shared on facebook, and that made me ponder. This morning I met up with an ex-kid that somehow had his results derailed, and was glad that he has since found his balance and moving forward, seeking his own uncharted path. In sharing with him, one of the things I said to him, was not to have a chip on his shoulders and to be able to speak openly (when ready) about the setbacks with good friends. For in being able to do so, it is the first step to overcoming.

I was not good at that actually. It was very hard, very very hard for me to talk about pain. I can talk about incidents. But not the pain. Until it is gone. And that can be decades later. And some things I still never said. But more because its not worth saying. Actually, in looking back, its amazing that I had survived those painful times, the inward scars remain till this day.

But I have faced the present differently. Like the writer in 'Before I go', I have been able to talk openly of my illness and of the inevitable, especially to those who have been my constant companions and the ex-kids that had taken the trouble to meet up during their uni vacations. S and L dropped in with their dinner two days ago. I enjoy meeting up with them, hearing their medical studies and sharing with them symptoms of my discomfort. Actually, I really appreciate the visits of the kids, especially those with genuine care and empathy. Teaching has been a big part of my life. On them, I 'borrow' strength to help to get 'chores' done. Its not easy being on ones own, though I must say I owe a great deal to Siti for her much consideration and trouble.

However when it comes to writing, the flow has ebbed, hence the scarcity of posts. I think its because, when with people, because I am so conscious of them, and their well-being, and hate being self-centred, I will always keep cheerful, which is easy since I enjoy their company. But in writing, my inner being is laid bare. I can only write what I truly feel within.....and I hate to have a down post.

I admit part of my hesitation is also that I have taken the non-conventional route, in turning down the chemo path. It is hard to explain my firm decision, despite my own self-query as well. But my present discomfort is not (as at this moment before the next review in 2 weeks) due to cancer. Its a more persistent with shorter periodic intervals of 'lows' whenever an event that requires more energy above norm, or some unhappy happenings in the lives of those I care very much. The culmination of past weeks brought me to the present painful 'low', with that horrible pain within again. It just has got to be borne. Ironically the tipping point was the Kukup trip, a very memorable one in so many ways, but which I somehow knew would lead to this. It could have been worse if the sleeplessness had gone unchecked. I am very grateful for tcm in this respect, and in many others.  Actually depression in its various forms is a horribly painful. Experience has taught me to tide over it and abide by time. Essentially nothing has changed whatever one feels within. Experience teaches patience.

Reading the article has made me reconsider. Perhaps I should dare to write about the pain and conflicts.....I probably will. Whomsoever it helps. Just to make my life a little more worthwhile.

Ms C, jiayou! Remember the medal hanging over your head above your bed. Start somewhere....

Long time no post

I have not posted really since the start of the year. No, I have not forgotten my blog. Can't. The companion of my inner being.

But I admit, its hard to post. Sometimes, I am just simply too tired, not unhappily tired. But I am on the whole, easily tired.

Sometimes, I simply don't know what to write. Whether even should I write.

Sometimes, I simply can't write. No words.

Somewhere mid-december, I felt quite unwell. Since, its been kind of cyclical, better, then down again, then up, then down. Now...its down. I have yet make sense of it, though it does appear that thyroid disorder is the main culprit for the uncomfortable and not too norm symptoms. So far, have cleared the end year ca marker test, and the next is coming up within the month.

There are times, I do feel very good. And also happy. But usually the discomforts come in before long. I don't know what to make of things.

There are times, I feel in control, and gladly do what good I can whilst I can. And can look forward to come what may.  But when the shadows of reality set in, its a struggle to keep afloat.

I feel too acutely for others. For my cats. I know how attached especially T is to me. And B is not steady from time to time, though she has really done well. I pray that I can see them to their end...otherwise, I don't know how and who will look after them. Having spoilt them by giving them so much space, and the special care that B needs, and T really needs love and affection despite his gruffness...I worry.

I try to keep optimistic. But its not easy when the discomfort sets in. And then, there is a lack of motivation, a directionlessness.

Sometimes, I know I am blessed in that I should be given a time to rest, and am found generally amidst care, though its sometimes too lonesome. I do count my blessings daily and constantly.  But the sadness and heart-pain do set in. Yesterday, surprisingly lh says when sx graduates, we can travel together to uk for that. I was surprised for her to say that to me, and do appreciate it. I regard them as a family of sorts to me. I cant help feeling sad....its more than 3 years away....and time is not something I can take for granted. Not that anyone can take it for granted, but realistically, the inner voice says, how long more?

It isn't that I do not look forward to my heavenly city. I do. For this earth has far too much pain and wickedness; Injustice and violence I abhor. I feel too deeply and this hurts alot. I do look forward to the rest that remains for the people of God. And above all, the hope of the world to come wherein dwelleth righteousness. If I think in this forward manner, I can be happy and hopeful.

Ironically, its when i received love and kindness that it pains more. I am unable to describe it. I know that some would miss me and grieve, and the thought of it pains me. Though none would show, just as I didnt show anything to mum. To those that i have forged a bond, they are usually not superficial. So yes, I feel deeply sad, and hope, yes, I do hope, that it would yet stretched a few more years for me. Yet, if not, I would submit to the Lord that knoweth whats best for me. I somehow wonder if the continual discomforts is a reminder not to hope too much. Its true that when I had felt good, I did want to do alot more, and hope more.

In the interim of these 2 months, much took place. At least by my level of 'much'. Cny came and gone. It was a good time, though I was constantly tired. Ties with B2's family has been a lot better and I have received helpful support from that direction. Third day of cny, the kids came. 8 from 403 (2009) and 8 from 408(2010). No longer kids. 24 and 23 respectively this year. I value every visit and seeing each of them.  After that visit however, I slid down and only picked up in mid Feb.

Then LK came for a week. Thankfully it was a good visit, and there was a good time of fellowship especially the final steamboat dinner. Between cny and that dinner, we have now met with all except for two.  I am a lot less tense and at ease which is a milestone compared to LK's first visit in 2013.  I have left a big part of the past behind.

Somehow, due to the dental problems that flared up a week ago, its a down period again.  Also bothered by a couple of matter which I cannot do anything, but nevertheless troubled. V visited yesterday and accompanied me for grocery. That was really appreciated.

It was T and B's birthday yesterday, which we will be celebrating tomorrow. Fourteen years. It has been many long years, yet now, it all seem so short. That they entered my life at my lowest ebb and have been so much a part of me through the years of lonesomeness and aloneness....I am grateful for every year that marked this time. Live each day as it is. And value it. I must live my own word first.

Rather a meandering post. Will still post it. Hope I will return soon and allow the many thoughts to be recorded here. For this moment, to break the silence, this suffices.