Yes!

i feel jubilant to have conducted a 2 hour seminar! It is part of course assessment, and it was really quite an experience, especially cos I was the first (due to unforseen circumstance, had to take over) to carry that out. Appreciate my coursemates who are really supportive and encouraging, and hence makes it collaborative and non- threatening. It was really insightful and learnt alot!

Above all it is A Very Big Relief! Phew!!!!

counterintuitive

just had a good chat with a trusted and respected friend.... and was thinking of the advice given...

usually before i make any decision, i will seek views of a wide spectrum : students, lecturers, people who are specialists in particular fields, depending on the issue, to get a feel and to see things from different perspectives.

but there arent many that i really 'listen' to. I am thankful that if I really want to count, I think I have quite a few that are really friends, that sincerely seek my good, and will help if I ask. But I very rarely ask.

However, to 'listen', that is, to really seriously consider and weigh, to heed advice, I can only think of two at the moment. I was wondering why.....perhaps...

First of all, values. Common ground. Secondly, there is mutual respect. Thirdly, they are people that will objectively weigh the circumstance, and not react to happenings. Rational but not insensitive. Whilst listening (really listening) and understanding how I feel, they will still advise according to what they consider is best. Not what they know I want to hear. And always with reason. Then, there is strength of character, people who have lived life and stand by principles; and not material oriented. Finally, there is an inexplicable affinity...patience? kindness?

....and when both give the same counsel .... with good grounds .....and their overarching concern is for my welfare .....it is folly not to heed. So for now, intuition has to be suppressed.... at least for the foreseeable short term. ...Sigh..... there is a strong impulsive streak in me, thats why I need and value counsel.

Liberty without any reins is folly. Counsel is the kindest rein that one can imposed on oneself.

and well..... sometimes time unfolds in ways unexpected ..... so just bite the bullet .....sigh... very counterintuitive....

But on the bright side... many thanks, friend.

More Thoughts

If the higher ability continue to improve to higher platform, widening the gap of abilities, and hence possibly income etc, whose responsibility is it to narrow the gap?

Define arrogance.

I know it should not be equated with high ability or high status. I also know "impression" is not an objective guage.

There should be a clear distinction between ability and attitude when defining arrogance. But to some who seem very able to pass judgement, they are synonomous.

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Emphasis on achievements and glorification of attainments, without corresponding humility, true values of humanity have resulted in deep discontent.

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The strong must always bear the burden of the weak.

Those who are healthy must look after the ill.

Those who have more understanding must always forbear.

Those who love must keep giving.

Why?

This is the power of masses?

Yet the inequality has to be addressed. Otherwise society as a whole has to pay the price because of unrest.

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For me, I look to the Lord, who set the ensample for his own; he that humbled himself even to the death of the cross, for sinners.

I hope I will not see that much unrest in the remaining of my days.

alot, alot of thoughts...

alot alot of thoughts on alot alot of issues.....

but am really exhausted. Its really not funny to do a 3 evening marathon of 3 hour lessons every week, with its avalanche of assignments. Thankfully, i had worked ahead in school, but not fast enough....Next 10 weeks will be gruelling... the next 2 days alone, I am really buried under! :(
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joined the bio sungei buloh visit yesterday, and really enjoyed it! If only i wasnt so tired, and the trip had been longer... took some photos...may upload it some day.... i try to catch views that showed totally nature... its been a very very very long time since i feel at one with nature...

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Now that the Presidential election is over, i feel more at ease to write somewhat about it. First of all, from the very start, ie 17 years ago, I, questioned, and I still do now, the need of such an exercise. But given that there is one, the relative non-event in the past make things quite harmonious.

The timing of this PE is non-ideal. The lack of separation of issues or the play-up of issues make this whole exercise less palatable.

Last night (or rather early this morning) before the results were out, I wanted to write... but I thought, wait.

Whatever the outcome, I want to say this: Of the team of second generation leaders, Dr Tony Tan is amongst the few that I highly respect. In this PE, all the more, I admire his courage for leaving his comfort zone, to take on such a heavy responsibility for the nation. I feel hurt for him, that he had to take the brunt of ill-framed words.

If he is not one's ideal candidate, is there a need to descend to lack of civility and unkindness?

He was one of the best Minister of Education. He removed 3 unpopular policies before he left the ministry, including the 'monolingual' label. And that needed alot of courage and independence of thought because the majority of the old guards were still present. That he managed to push that through, it showed he listened, and he convinced his predecessors. I remembered the impact on me when this was reported. I truly respect his being able to do what was good, and I was sorry he did not continue in the ministry of education.

He was the one that 'liberated' the education system: Independent schools were set up in 1988 during his time. That was a move that developed to the present diversity of the education landscape. For those of us who couldnt take conformity, independent schools gave us the much needed space. For me, that was vital. I would have left (intended to) the impossible shackles of bureaucracies and policies had not independent schools offered an avenue of hope. He encouraged innovation and independence when that was unheard of at that time. He was ahead of his times.

In parliament, he was the one that never jibed at opposition. He was a true gentleman, and there were many personal anecdotes of his compassion as an MP. His contribution to the nation is immense. A person should be guaged by his words, carriage, dignity, weight, reflected consistently, in his case over almost a life time. And for his life service and contribution. J

饮水要思源.

Whether he was elected or not, I intended to write this. I wished the system of elected presidency was not created. But given that it is (sigh), I am really glad that Dr Tony Tan has been elected the President of our nation.

Courage

Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.

Samuel Johnson

Idealism

Definition

Idealism is a term with several related meanings. It comes directly from the Greek "idealismos" (ιδεαλισμός) which derives from the word "ιδέα" (idea).

The term entered the English language by 1796. In ordinary use, it often suggests the formation and influence of ideals, the importance of principles, values and goals as well as present realities, perhaps a tendency to represent things as they might be rather than as they are.


Wikipedia

Sad :(

I am very sad....

Rationalisation and heart are on the same side.

I know my intuition is 'right'. But it has no direction.

I hate this tug-of-war....

Random-ness

Slow decision is better than hasty decision.....

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When intuition and rationalisation takes two different paths, which should one follow?

Between rationalisation and heart, I will follow rationalisation. Always did, though I always want to follow the heart. ..

And looking back, it is usually right...

But between intuition and rationalisation?

What is intuition?

That inexplicable perception, that tells you, somehow, something is right or not right. In some ways, intuition can be stronger.

I have followed intuition, and had 'regretted' because rationalisation from various aspects point to what ought to be... rationalisation is very powerful.

But ideals are not rational. And sometimes following values are not rational.

Someone said to me a few weeks ago, follow your heart. Life has trained me not to do so. Emotive force I can suppress. Life taught me that. I suppose thats why I come across as 'strong' and 'forceful'. But it comes with a high personal price.

At cross roads, do you follow intuition or rationalisation?

感慨

last few days were 'extraordinary' in that a few people from the past were in touch. With two of them, it had been 18-20 years since there had been communication. It was really nice especially to see wc for over 2 days... and when she left, i actually felt the pang of loss. But she was sensitive enough to message every stage, and email, so that reduced the impact.

Perhaps it is age; perhaps it is resignation. I just let things be. ...minimum change for now....I dont hope for much.... i just dont want trouble and pain

I am happy just to get by... at least for the next few months.

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strangely, also heard from a dear friend of more than 30 years, who had also been out of touch the last 2 years or so.... via email... both of us are analytical to extremity, and both think far, far too much...hence both are often disturbed and concern about many social issues....and both of us were very idealistic.....

he belongs to that last generation of chinese ed, that was really a victim of the immense change in education.... and that was a generation that feels strongly for the language and culture they love... a passion this generation will never understand.... and that generation paid alot for the harsh policies and changes in the name of economic advancement.... and suddenly all they learnt had to be in english... it was very bitter for many of them...
i remembered when the announcement came to close the chinese gp classes, he wanted to raise a petition.... he was an outstanding school leader.....i cant remember whether he finally did, i think he did... i remembered debating with him over 3 hours to dissuade him, since it would be futile effort... and at that time, students dissent can be taken very harshly.... internal security was not just a phantom... it was real at that time.....

on reflection many years later, i think he was right. I was wrong. He had the courage. I feared trouble. We were 17-18 then. Now consider what your 18 year old lives are about?

it was at that time, the first time that I understood the meaning of 默契. Our understanding was somehow very natural. And there was mutual respect and appreciation. actually kuech asked me last year when we were taking a walk, and reminiscing about the past, were you all ever together? I thought for awhile, and said, No.

We were often companions; he would picked me early in the morning to go to jc (he drove at 18 cos he drove his father to work, his mother died when he was young and he was very close to his dad); we did have quite abit in common cos i am also very inclined to the chinese language and culture despite being from chij, a very 'english' school. He was very intelligent, and most of all, earnest, sincere and firm. There were teasings, and i remembered his friends got him flowers to give me at valentines, which i left in class to avoid trouble at home. Both of us felt awkward about that, but we never misunderstood. We never crossed the boundary of friendship.

I think we diverged mainly because of religion. Not that we explicitly said it. He knew where i stood. I respect him immensely for his principles. There had always been a foundation of understanding in our friendship and alot of maturity. In many ways, he is probably one of the very few that really knows and understands me. No other reason. Just 默契.

And we remained friends for some time after jc, and he helped me through some very bad patches later....whenever he could, he was always a friend. I really appreciated that. We did lose communication subsequently, mainly because i didnt want to communicate in my peculiar circumstance and we did drift apart in many ways as we were both strong in our views. We were also going through rough times through our separate pathways.

That stretched over a period of more than ten years, yet when we met again by chance very unexpectedly, the same understanding was still there. That was the year i resigned from scgs, a turbulent year, 2000. My kids were taking part in an entrepreneurship competition. my last project. It was held at a poly. I didnt know he was among the panel of judges. It was quite unreal. I couldnt believe it, when i saw this person walking toward me, vaguely familiar, and stood in front of me. We just looked at each other in amazement. And though circumstances had changed, yet in many ways, we had not changed. To be honest, I was surprised. I didnt expect that at all.

Since then, we kept in touch though I was more incline to reclusiveness still. Thereafter when many things fell apart for me, I appreciate the communication with the few friends left. Mostly over emails, exchanging views and updates of his family, and education for his 3 kids, and endless discussions over ideologies.

Then sometimes over an interim of a couple of years, there would be a long silence from either side, usually when the goings are tough, and each prefer to tide through on their own. The silence and distance was always respected.

He broke the recent long silence finally yesterday; each of us having entered into another phase of life. There was much exchange, not in terms of what happened, but our usual manner of deep ponderings and reflections....

Whatever the circumstance, I would not want to lose this life long friend. From jc days, he was the only new 'addition' to my small circle of friends. The other handful were friends that had been with me from primary/secondary school. I didnt like my jc days. From university days, I would only add 2 more, el and dk.

There is something really sweet about friendship from school days. We were ourselves, guileless, spontaneous, unspoilt. Thankfully at that time, people are not so focused on 'career', 'portfolio' etc etc. Those who made it naturally did, and there was no arrogance or smugness. At least not among my friends. And not for any lack of intellect either. But we never bore that kind of uppity, /I am scholar/better and smarter-than-thou air whilst assuming a facade of seeming humility that is needed to grace the exterior.

Contributing to society was naturally in our heart. Perhaps its because we came from mission schools. Nevertheless the natural enthusiasm and naiveness when young is something sweet.
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Thats why i still like to be with kids that i teach.... it is lovely when you see friendship, comradeship, the kids helping one another (especially when i am fiercely grilling them!). This is one of the best phase of life that will be their fond memories.

I hope many of their friendships can withstand the storms, misunderstandings and separation ahead. This is inevitable. At different phases of life, friends will drift apart because of their job, family, and various circumstances. But 20-30 years later... and for a lifetime, there would be those that remain friends... with that implicit understanding, that inexplicable 默契....

i really wish so for these kids...

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whether i close this blog or not, will depend on how the path diverges.... this is a phase that i have allowed myself to be open and share many of my inner thoughts locked for a lifetime within. But it is because of the phase that i have passed through over these 2 years.... i am still considering what is best.....

August

have been wondering when to close this blog....

more or less, things remain placid...

joy remains joy...and that is always in classrooms... though i wish i could do better, make less errors, be neater, be clearer....

downs are no longer that down.... probably just resignation... headaches dominated practically the whole month... o well.... and for other matters....as kyc said....for every bad, look at the good...ok

ahead... still pondering...... will probably trod the path less taken.....

next 3 months should be like a hurricane with nie beginning next week and the avalanche of assignments and readings. strangely, my mind remains focused on the kids. actually these 3 months will mean alot to me. i am really happy to be with this batch.

placid. yes, compared to this time last year, tempest has simmered. no need for 'happiness'. placidity is sufficient. this place has helped me. thanks.