flow and ebb....

its really not expected....maybe because i have been feeling fairly well and strong, swimming regularly usually thrice a week....somehow one blow, and that familiar feeling (yes familiar, i have this sense a few times the last 2-3 years), like a memory card running out of space......I guess, it could and would have been much worse, had the reserves not been built over the past months. Its not particular illness per se, I was actually taken aback how quick symptoms of the malaise can be gone with tcm....its that sense of the ebb of strength....

.....strengthlessness, the inward feel of frailty, that sensing of non expandability of energy. Not immediacy. But an indication somehow that things wont go on and on.....reserves are depleting......perhaps its the moment of slow recovery of energy. But that this same sense has recurred....a reminder.....

What needs to be done, has almost been done. Its to spend quality time with people that matters. And alot of people matters. Kids always matter. But they have their own life to lead, and i would wish them to be independent, to be strong and to be fruitful.

My friends matter. Alot. Especially those that had been with me over rough times these past 8 years. Affinity is a strange thing. With different people, i have such strong inexplicable affinity.....because i am not a person open to new friendships, those that managed to enter into the inner ring in recent years, are those who somehow strike an inner chord and remain very special.

Friends from nushs particularly. Perhaps from them, I gradually return to normalcy and tasted true friendships.... This one stint is the most memorable and the one that i love most in my somewhat rough and winding path. But each phase has its value that has steered to the present and without which, i would not be what i am today.

Perhaps its the momentarily ebb ...hopefully when the flow return, i will have more energy.....

Whatever....in low phases, its pleasant and warm thoughts of people who have cared for me these past years, that made the aloneness more bearable...and these are the very people, that i wish to return the goodness shown....because i do care for them too. Probably more. Because of the deep gratitude i bear to them.

Hope the flow will return soon.......

Fusion

It has been turbulent within....not turbulence in the sense of present trouble....but turbulence because waves of memories rolled up the shores of my mind....

i choose to write them here, both as a milestone, and as a record for myself in the years to come.

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first, notes that i want to keep, of meet ups...they are of value to me....just as communications over fb, emails are.

characteristically, this period is the time of seeing kids from the past. blss kids no longer come in this phase. They are almost on friend level...and meet ups are more casual and frequent. Earlier on, have seen kn and wh, both havent yet found their destination. J and K are now regular company, and very grateful for them. 

Finally met up with 3 boys from jwss and it was a good meet. This has been postponed a few times, so even though i wasn't feeling good, i didnt' feel i should cancel it. And i was glad i didn't. Met up with AT before she left for uk, and also tpl with m. I only hope each meet will establish something that will be of value some time in their life. Then meeting sp is always a pleasure. it has been so gratifying seeing his growth, maturity and confidence, and his sincere desire to contribute meaningfully. And there were others to come....except i fell ill and has since postponed several appointments.

The chap that said i love freedom too much, remarked when i showed symptoms of flu, that it is caused by sadness. Funny, though he is definitely not close to me, i realised that his perceptions are quite astute. Probably more than he realised.

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it has been really full of emotional turbulence within, probably started from scy's award speech. I was affected, very affected. I didnt realised i would be thus. My thoughts of the event per se, I wrote in fb https://www.facebook.com/siokhui.sie/posts/633805316736124.

But with these thoughts came the flood of memories of the very hard times particularly in 1993-1994. Scenes after scenes of painful struggles especially homefront with dad's bedridden state, mum's depression, financial poverty...that was the time, my only bank account registered 0.00 with a warning letter from the bank not to issue cheques that i could not honor. No one to turn to...my best friend ycf departed at that time.  I had to turn to sst to help see to dad's medical bills. With pressure on every side...I cried to the Lord. I also remembered telling myself, I must learn to save. This mustn't happen again. It didn't. I was determined. I worked hard, with almost nightly tuition. Teaching pay was way too low, i could not meet the needs of home and commitments to others. I really was very poor but needed to help too many.

That was the year, i was forced to send dad to nursing home because mum just couldnt take it anymore. I no longer could afford a couple of days stay at Mt E at intervals...each occasion chalk up a thousand or so. Not that nursing home was not exorbitant. It was but over a longer period so that mum could have respite.  Mum lost her sense of smell just clearing after dad....the stench was too much for her to take...

I rarely sobbed, but I did in the ambulance that took dad there. I couldn't believe that I would actually send my dad to a nursing home, though i sourced for the 'best'. It was totally against my grain and i hated it. But i had to do it. And whilst dad was there, i was his only visitor weekly. When I was away...sigh...will not want  ever to explain why i should be away, no one visited. B1 went only once. Everyone said they were busy with their family. A couple of months later, i finally persuaded mum to have a maid....and bravely took up the cost.  I was so glad to take dad back. It was hard, really really hard. Few understand, because at that age, few have a parent that old.  And my circumstance was really unusual. I couldn't bring myself to seek for help when so little were done by 'family' members. In any case, there was little social support at that time....

There were other darker factors which i will not recount.....and those were very very painful times. That was the time i started collecting shells....

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In those circumstances, to be positive, to be encouraging to the kids was a herculean effort. Looking back, i wondered how i did it.  That was actually my favorite batch at sc....i spent alot alot of time with the kids at that time. In many ways, they were my consolation. scy was a special kid at that time... i never quite understand why she sought me out to talk...and we had many good exchanges.

scy had told me she was not in touch with her schoolmates...but of course i overlooked the tentacles of social media....since then, several students from the past popped up. Including one cgs student of my last batch 1990, who saw my photo and identified me. There was a kid in this batch that i really want to know how she is....i felt i failed her in my non response when she wrote again and again...i couldn't, just couldn't at that time. Not only her....i would wish i know more of a few that were on my mind. I really wasn't at my best...my later stint in teaching, I was probably much better. But the ideals didn't change.

Alot alot of thoughts from the past...the upheavals caused turmoil within....and with the ending phase at the present....it has been really turbulent. 

These past 3 weeks have been like a emotional roller coaster ride culminating in low immunity and my first bout of flu this year....rather unpleasant,  especially the coughing fits....though it could be worse. At least i am spared bronchitis. I guess my elasticity is really no longer the same .......one feels sorely the frailty when reduce to a hacking wreck. Sigh....alot of sadness within that somehow wont go away....is it because there is no closure? But there isn't a closure.

A few occasions over this period I have had flashes of trauma moments of the past---really played back like it had been. One was the drowning episode when I was 11. Though i can swim relatively ok now, many thanks to k, its going to be a long time to overcome that image in the deep pool. That feeling was exactly the same...thankfully k has been very understanding and working slowly toward overcoming that dark shadow. I intend to do so. The other was a flashback from a scene in my black box....brought to conciousness by a parallel in a drama. Whatever. I know, every cobwebs must be faced. And torn down. I fully intend.

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Positively, there is alot to be grateful for. ...Actually quite a few of the present kids have written very touching words of thanks....and more importantly their imbibing of the values that i had stressed. Time alone will determine how long it will remain with them. And many other kids have written....

I need to recover strength from this bout....again thankfully, have responded well to tcm. Need to recover composure and set the compass aright. 

I am all the more determine, whenever i have opportunity to do a little for a young kid, I will...I would they would all grow up happy and whilst tough times do make one tough, there is no need, really no need to tread through such a thorn covered pathless way. 

Just went to gy blog....glad she at least revived it a little...from her i learnt what is being happy. ..and with her, 403 kids taught me....their being who they are. Being happy is a state. Just simple. Happy. 403 will always always be special.

One kid wrote recently and wondered whether my object in teaching is to change my students in their philosophies. I replied.

No, my goal in my teaching life is not to change my students by their philosophies. All i want is really that they learn to value themselves and hence develop themselves as much as opportunities allow, live meaningfully always with compassion for those that are not welcomed by others, and be happy. Being happy and 'pursuing happiness' is different. One is a state, one is a dream. I would that my students in all circumstances, would be happy. Its a simple feeling of contentedness. Not associated with extraneous factors. 


I meant every word....for my kids, past, present....and future.