and feb is ending soon....

did want to write many times. But got too tired by late evening and writing do need that clarity of mind. Words must expressed what it intends to. There was an unfinished post...will attach it here....

22 Feb 2015

For some reason, it seems harder to do a post. Time is a factor. Frame is another factor. The sense of words yet a third factor. Words are slow to flow.

Cny has come by and the 'peak' is over yesterday with the visit of the kids. About 50 kids from three batches. Having the headache has affected my sense of things. But, despite that, I would still say, the meaningfulness of cny has got to be seeing the kids grow year by year. There were some good conversations. Even in the brief moments of greetings, just seeing the kids touch my heart. After they all left, I found myself going through each class that I had taught, thinking of those that I didnt see, and hoping each is well and happy. There are at least 10 away in uk/usa.....Time really has passed quickly. At least two will be graduating next year. D said in no time, 403 will come with children. I would like that. :)

But somehow there is always a check within myself. I dont know if I would get to see that sometimes.... the memory card analogy is always behind my mind....the storage capacity is low... I dare not assume. Low energy level and persistent bad head have made me wonder how long I can keep up such a big gathering. May have to break it to batches.....

========================

I am still conscious of the passing of each day, and so far, there are very few days that had not have some meaningful element. Actually, i think yes, every day I have made it count . But, the pace has slowed a great deal, a very great deal. Its a very different me. I have to learn to take things as it is. No point comparing to what I could, what others can. I am the me that I am now. But its hard to take.

It hasnt been easy. Partly B's roller coaster progress/lack thereof, with extra complicated manifestations. Toggling between vet's medication and tcm....addressing the need most pronounced all requires judgment. My lack of it has resulted in a badly swollen finger which incapacitate me for a couple of days. At least it momentarily switch attention from the bad head to the bad finger, and between them, I think I have not swim for nearly 3 weeks.

cny requires clearing up mess....and that was not done well either. The head again. And bp. cny requires facing 'family'....in particular..... O well, I came through it within. There are times that the time-bomb within myself feel like letting go what i really feel inside. But i shouldn't.

cny means there are days that are free with ls. Appreciate her staying over. We 'settled' an outstanding matter....the outcome was expected, yet unexpected. Yes, had hoped for the better. Whatever. I got over it. I did what I should. Had not spoken wisely, but....well, those that would understand need no words. Those that would not understand, will hear their own word whatever said or unsaid. But no regrets. It had to be done. What I am more certain is my own boundaries and threshold. And the need to keep my own frame. It cost one  quite bad night, which thankfully, with all due preparation (tcm medication), it was manageable. Many thanks to tcm. And the comfort of knowing ls understands is no small comfort.

the big plus factor is having ls company over the 2 days, going to ecp, and the walks by the hub. It was lovely company. And things have been much much better with ky over the past weeks. Am very relieved and glad about it.

I just want to keep my heart and eyes fixed on the better hope, the better promise, that of the world to come.

============================
27 Feb 2015

Looking back, I would still say, yes, almost every day is meaningful. Every day matters for me now. I used to be too busy, rushing to complete this and that, focused on tasks....or fighting unwellness in many aspects....and  days drift past...and i dont know where i am heading.

The relative calmness has prevailed these past 2 months. There had been 'bad' moments, but it has not taken over and that is very good.

Cny can be tricky. Went to B1's place on 22, and arranged for him to come down to sk place for dinner on 24th, hoping to patch up between B1 and S1. It would happen  on that morning that B went into several frenzy bouts, and her skin was in scorched red condition. Thankfully with more dosage of tcm, she was calmed. I had been very cautious with dosage, but tuesday is a day dr nathan isnt in, and I didnt want to risk it with other vets. When things were in control, I decided to carry on the cooking curry plan, and managed to persuade sk to eat home instead of out. What was good overall is, to see S1 and B1 talking again. That was a very big gain. Both had looked after me as a kid. Given the circumstance, no one really could do anything much, but they did what they could, and I am grateful to them.

B1 asked me if i watch the documentary on the historic bukit ho swee fire. No, I didnt. I couldnt face it. That was the fire that caused the panic, that became my birthday. That caused mum to feel deserted when she could not get a transport to do the maternity home, that caused a birth that caused such pain and disappointment that she couldnt face me, that has been a 'hallmark' of my life. I was called the 'fire child' for many years of my life. It wasnt nice. I guess for B1, the impact was great. He was 13 then so, all these are vivid memories to him. So, he has to let it out. I understand.

Having such turbulence from birth, to me, every kid matters. That doesnt mean the good intent of helping each kid is always 'right'. Many had also gone wrong; overly strict; overly protective; overly concerned; overly harsh; Intent itself is not sufficient. I have learnt. But true care is really there.

I told someone recently why I dont bother to clarify certain things is because I always consider the good intent behind something that is not really welcomed. But that said, I can still perceive whether there is true care or not. Words are superfluous and can be a camouflage for emotions. Whatever.

I dont know if I am overly cautious with 'family'. But I do know, I will regret if I stood by when a difference can be made. lets see how the year will work out for all of us.....at the moment, I am at peace with myself.

==================
tcm course is really intriguing and interesting. Have a half a mind to be very serious with this pursuit.  Will write at length about this course in another post. Will see how as the year unfolds....

I have to consider.....there are still things I could do for kids....and energy is waning....st said i am not that old yet....alot of things are not measured by age....one knows what is within oneself, and I am already taking alot of steps to take care.

Also there is always T and B to consider, especially B....between dr N and zh's tcm, she has been fairly comfortable especially the last few days. I only want her to be happy and to have minimal suffering. T and B are the love of my life....they came into my life when I needed them most. And I will do my utmost to see them well taken care of to the end of their days. Their 12th birthday is coming soon.....

Managed to go swimming yesterday....there was that shadow to overcome from the last attempt nearly 3 weeks ago. The migraine attack broke out very bad with the cold water and activity and i had to abort the swim and somehow got myself back. Since then, the headaches had persist, though most of the time, just a dull ache in the background. It helps to know the cause is the nerve impingement issue. As long as not aggravated by other factors, it can be managed without extraneous intervention. Thankfully, the swim was fine, did the usual routine, and no outbreak of migraine.

That was a relief. To overcome. I want to overcome shadows within. i want to overcome fears that can be faced. When I face them, and overcome, then can I encourage kids to do the same.

J dropped by yesterday. He is a really a very lovely and considerate kid and has helped me a great deal especially to get things organised at home. His regularity, maturity, genuine care and support has really been a balm. K has also kept regular contact from denmark every few days. They have made all the difference to me in 2014 and into 2015. I couldn't ask for more.

And with the many many others....ld, vl, el, pl, pc, rc, kyc, kuech, ca, and the list of many good colleagues...i am content.

And the many kids...I love hearing from each one of them. Every kid matters. And especially 403. They will remain special forever....the kids that taught me, that happy is just what it is. This is the 8th year from when i first met them....they have grown....some I have not seen since 2011...but each remain a special kid. 15 boys. 8 girls. 23 kids. Now 22....I hope there would be a day when I can see all 23 together again....

And every day, a little good to a little someone. Live each day well. Live each day meaningfully. Yes, 2015 February will end in two days, and let these two days be as the days that passed...each day counts...

心交

昨天到医院探望表嫂，跟她紧紧的握手时，她说道，有“心交”是不用语言表达的。我昨天流泪了。很感动的流泪了，也因为，知道在无语中，我们是互相了解的。

我从来没听过这词语，也可能没这词语，我在辞典找不到。但，我了解表嫂的心语。她指的是心与心的交流。

其实，我从来没跟表嫂深谈过。她嫁给表哥，应该有四十多年吧。姨妈在我十六岁过世。当时，我记得很清楚，很遗憾因赶功课而拖延，没去医院看姨妈，也不知道她的病情这样严重。所以，我心里很难过。妈跟姨妈的关系不好，那年的农历新年，去姨妈家，记得姨妈显得很忧愁，也不懂要如何安慰她。我真的想过，无论妈跟姨妈有什么过节，我长大后，一定照顾姨妈。可是我连她最后入医院也没去看她。当时，也是我一生第一次遇到亲人过世，所以，心灵有好多感受。也知道妈也是很伤心。。。妈是关心她的。

我起初对 表嫂的印象应该是不大好，可能是被大人的话影响。姨妈不在了，他们都说，表嫂不会好好的对待十二岁的表妹，她的真面目会露出。是的，她的真面目的确露出，但是，所露出的是一位我十分钦佩的女士。连妈都说，表嫂是位很勇敢，很会为家人牺牲，忍耐的好妻子，好大嫂，好母亲。表嫂有肾病，但为了家，她很勇敢的面对病魔，继续工作。她是工厂女工，后来在麦丹劳工作。我记得一次妈知道她入医院，吩咐我要去探望她。我很愿意的去，只是没话题，不知要说什么。表哥患忧郁症，十多年出入医院，靠吃药维持。这几年，表嫂也需洗肾，应该很辛苦，但从不埋怨，也一样作兼职。还好，两个孩子有能力读书，都拿到奖学金，大学毕业，也都有自己的家。可惜兄妹似乎有摩擦，让父母难做。

我从不过问别人的事，大多数是以前妈讲的。而这几年是从大姐那儿听到的。我好像四年没见到表嫂。自从妈不在了，连一年一次的机遇也断了。也应该是我的不是，因为我不喜欢社交聚会，也因此跟亲戚失去联络。

星期二，接到侄儿的短讯知道她因心脏病入医院，心很不好过。那天下午被Brownee似乎发颠风，咬我的手指不放，好痛，手指也好肿，我都没把握手指会不会严重的发炎，又好担心猫的病情，而且也接到P也入院的消息，心情好低落。但是，我决意隔天，看中医后，一定要去看表嫂。

还好，有可靠的中医师，帮我为猫配药，也帮我暂时不必太过为猫担忧。拿了药，就往医院去。表嫂一看到我，脸上露出感激的表情，握住我的手，问我怎么知道，也说看到我去看她，她没预料到，很感激。我鼓励她的说，我知道表嫂很委屈，为大局受很多苦，默默的忍耐，一直为别人着想，很坚强，很勇敢。我自己也觉得十分惭愧，没保持联络，也对她说我很抱歉，不是我不念亲人，只是我一向性格孤僻，妈过世后，自己很难受。她紧紧的握住我的手，说她感激我这样的了解她，她已满足了。她坚定的说，她会坚持，不会放弃，会尽量奋斗的活下去。她也说她了解我的心境和孤僻，什么都不用说，心交就够了，不用语言。

她的真诚的话语，打动我锁住好紧的心锁，眼泪也不禁的滚出，缓缓的流下。我从没打开的心门，第一次打开，很自然的陈述，妈走后，我好难过，日子真的很难过，所以，需要时间冲淡悲伤的这番话。在言谈中，我才知道原来她也知道我小时候的一些事。姨妈对她说过，我在婴儿时是给一位奶妈照顾，一年后才回家。回家后不能适应，一直哭，惹火妈。姨妈很可怜我，从幼一直的被妈狠打，用辣椒磨嘴。。。看了连她都怕。。。故事跟大哥说的一样。。。大哥说的更多。。。他甚至怕我挨不过。。都不知要怎样救我。 当时，妈应该已有忧郁症，只是五十年前，谁懂得忧郁症？姨妈怜惜我，疼我，我从小感觉到。是的，当我懂事后，也觉得妈殴打我是很可怕的，还有好多没人看见的。。。但我一向觉得是我的错，惹人厌，在新加坡历史的大火烧出生，而妈没爸在身旁，据妈说，爸不接他的电话，而后来生出又是女的。。。。

表嫂说一生中只被她父亲打一次，她已觉得难受，也了解我在成长所受的伤害，造成我一生的阴影。我说不出的是，还有好多，好多。。。我也紧握她的手。

是的，心的交流是不必语言的。有心的人，以观察，了解，悟觉，真心，是能透过一切的隔离，以心与心，无语的交流。

我告辞的时候，表嫂还微笑，为自己打气，摆一个手势，说“加油！”。好勇敢的女士！其实，她的病不轻，心、肾、肺都有严重的病况。她还会鼓励自己，体谅别人，我好尊敬她。

心交。昨天，我领悟到这词的美妙。

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
今天是埋葬妈的第五年纪念。我好想念她。

妈最终对我的信任和爱护，是我很努力很努力的去争取的。因为，我从小就莫梦奇妙的了解她，深深的悟到她的脆弱，她的牺牲，她的心灵。到现在，每次作恶梦，都是她需要得救的处境，而我却救不到她，大声的喊叫而惊醒。好真实的梦境！ 好可怕！每次都是一样，醒来后，真的好想放声的大哭。尤其是心不静的时候，这梦一直跟随我，三个星期前，又再出现。为什么，为什么，从幼小受创伤的小孩是我，成长受委屈的也是我，长大后，背一切负担，顾大局，尽责到最终的也是我，但我却还是一直觉得亏欠爸和妈，没给他们更多，给他们所需要的温暖，照顾和幸福。每次学中医，学到与爸妈相似的病症，好后悔当时不了解，又没找到好医师医疗他们。但是，那时我真的没能力做好多想做的事，是硬撑的。

我何时才能摆脱这心灵的大石？我已不年轻了，也很累了。

现在，我只想剩下的时间和精力，尽量帮友人和下一代，尤其是小孩和年轻人，让他们能克服困难，有希望的面对未来，找寻他们的幸福。看到他人幸福，我也觉得幸福。我不想会有个像我的小孩。。。

他们体会到也好，没体会到，也无所谓。真的无所谓。他们的快乐就是我的快乐。

体会到的，就是与我有心对心的交流，就是表嫂说的“心交”。

into the second month of 2015....make each day counts

I seem to be very conscious of each passing day. Its good to be able to feel the day is 'good'. What constitutes a 'good' day? a day when a little good is done; a day that is restful in mind; a day that is meaningful; a day where some things get done. Thankfully, I would say, most days have been good. There were a few 'bad' days.....I am grateful, I have learnt to tide through not so positive days and push forward. B has been up and down as well....and that is worrying as well. But at least, she is responding to tcm. ...seeing dr N tomorrow....

nights, however, are not always within one's control. Had two nights of very bad dreams, vividly imprinted. The last was last night. The one about mum, i woke up crying...and last night, yes, painful and distressing. I can only just push on. G is right that alot of things are deep seated. But nothing changes. I will push forward and move on.

Now into second month of the year, I am definitely more poised for the year than I had been the last 3 years, especially given that I have no firm structure. Waiting for the response to the work i handed in, and knowing if I clear, I should need to work for finalisation. Also, there had been kids to see, especially the batch going on to select course on uni. DJ is leaving spore....and should be seeing him this week, with his friends. Will miss him, the same as all that had left.

cny round the corner....another time of meeting with kids of different batches. It would really be nice. As to other matters, I am not thinking. Just keep focus, positive and make each day counts. Thats all I wish. No matter all the .........., move forward. I firmly believe, charity faileth not. And this is the only meaningful cause to live for in this pilgrimage, whilst waiting for the return of our Lord.

Despite the falls and the knowledge that there is pain, there will be pain, and sometimes, deep pain, I feel I have endured and come through so much, I am certain the Shepherd and Bishop of my soul, will lead me to the end. Its not without fear, and dread sometimes.....especially when the pain returns, but, it pales in remembrance of the love of the Lord, who suffered that he may redeem us. Yes, of all people, I am blessed. I want to make each day counts....and with that little that is done, would help another be happier each day, that to them the day will count also. I hope this second month remains good.