End of April

Not that anything significant happened. It just seem right to just end the month with a post.....

Last week, I met an outstanding medical personnel, a physiotherapist. A strong listener, she was highly perceptive and very importantly, not stereotyped in approach. She was very well read and skilled in her expertise, and I must say, I benefited a great deal from her, not merely in terms of diagnosis, and remedy; as i observed her, i also saw what it makes to be good in one's profession. She restored a little of my much disappointment in medical personnel of the west. Even then, she acknowledged that for my case, tcm provided the better route to recovery. And so it is.

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some of the random things on my mind came from random communications....

i was asked what was the difference between thinking and reflecting. didnt really want to answer the question, because to me, the 'asker' was doing neither. worrying is not thinking or reflecting. Reflecting is a process of thought, of what had been, or that which one has read/heard/seen, and the after thought. Thinking, itself....thats a deep question....

with another communication, in some exchanges over passing incidents, the friend commented that it seems showing concern and care for others is a very rare quality indeed. We conclude that this includes many who care but do not know how to show/express themselves and are passive, and those who are kind at heart but lack the ability to realise that others are in need; those who are selfish; those who are self absorbed, oblivious to others.

i also thought sometimes, it could be a case of taking things/people for granted. Sometimes, to me, it doesnt seem right that some people are so busy 'helping others' and neglecting those closest to them. And there are also those who prefer to live in their own dream world, giving their reasons (euphemism for excuses) and prefer to be oblivious....these are cases of extremities....

anyway, whatever. i remain contented.

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yes, and structure and system comes to my mind very often these days.

i maintain they are not synonomous. I maintain system is for efficiency and should be kept in the confines of production and realms that involve mechanism.

I maintain structure is a necessity to define parameters, and give a framework. But intelligence and humanity should be applied to each individual in human related fields such as education and medicine. As long as each personnel is not aware of individual differences and needs, something is critically missing......

then again, who cares what i maintain?


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swimming and cycling are supposed to be good exercises for the back. I cant do either. Hmmm.... pondering if i should pick one or the other up.... would be quite a challenge.....

but for the moment, must focus on doing what i have to do.....

mid april....content

in no time, it is the middle of yet another month, and a third of the year is almost gone, and time seems to just fly past...

i cant say that the year has been fruitful at all. unexpectedly, the escalating of pain and discomfort became the focus from the start of the year and reached its peak somewhat in feb and march. And at one point, things took a serious twist and didnt seem too bright. But, thankfully, there has been a turning point, and am now progressing well, many thanks also to the excellent tcm physician, whose medical ethics and skill i greatly respect, and who treat the root cause, and not symptoms. I feel I am more than 70% out of the woods, but the physician was more cautious. Whatever, i will take advice and not be foolhardy.

another good thing that came out of this episode is, i am finally taking note of many health points which i have always taken liberties. So now, i take pains to ensure I put in at least 20 minutes of exercise time, usually more. And have changed many of my eating habits to include more healthy and nutritious food regularly. In fact, I hardly eat out except on special occasions to meet up with friends.

And yes, by now, i am actually much healthier and in a better state than i have been for years. This is totally unexpected! i do ensure i keep up the strict regime to ensure I dont fall back to what it had been. Discipline may not be my strength, but I know, the chain is as strong as its weakest link. And discipline is doing what one has to do, not what one wants to do.

yes, it feels good to be healthy. there had been really dark clouds in past weeks. There had been times that it was distressful, when the aches and pain seemed interminable, and one's routine is much hampered, and it was bewildering.

Was it harder because i was alone? I am not sure about that. Actually there is strength in being alone. I neednt worry about troubling others or causing worry to others. In that sense, i rather prefer to be alone and clarify the course i need to take. It taught me to think ahead, to take steps to help myself and to push forward. That is not to say i do not take advice from professionals whom i can respect.

I know this physical body will perish some day, so it wasnt the fear that it would reach an end. Actually, I look forward to that end. This, I am again grateful to say, from the depth of my soul, I know, the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want. It is when one is alone walking through deep waters that one learn to discern between body, soul and spirit.

Though it has been distressful to be physically unwell, it is nothing compared to being sick in the soul and spirit. A broken spirit, who can bear? One tend to get sympathy when one is physically afflicted, because that can be seen. But it is the inward, affliction, invisible to others, in the face of external facade of normalcy that brings deepest anguish. I am grateful that period that spanned decades is finally buried and in the past. I have finally walked out of it.

I hope the upward slope will be maintained, and I should be starting on the dissertation and hope to finish it within the next 3-4 months.

And really till then, there are no other plans. And of course, I need to work for my Grade 6 piano exam. :) Cant say i am confident to pass, but i will give it a good go. I do want to press forward in this area.

I admit i have always been a person that do need a plan, a route, a sense of 'mission', and plan things way in advance. Now, I am content to pass the day placidly with non-events. Its also true, that on the whole, i keep most people at arm's length especially in trying times. Ls , ky and ld are exceptions. I look forward to the occasional gathering with some ex-colleagues, like yesterday. It was really refreshing to have that sense of common ground in the love of teaching, and of maths in particular. I feel contented to have people of the same mind in this respect. And the rest of the time, I look forward to hearing from one or the other of the kids that had been part of my life. I am content.

Whether or not, there will be any difference or any thing of significance ahead, is not important. Now that I have made alot of gain and feel the blessing of health, I am thankful and content.