a week passed....

yes, i managed to pass thru the week.... had worried how to start at school .... but as usual, just got on with it...

i had thought if i was going back to teach 403, it may be easier.... actually i realised it was good that i wasnt teaching them.... i think it would have been difficult to hold back what i felt.... dun think i want to show it in school.... thanks for saying hi to me whenever u see me.... i know its your way of telling me u care....

i can talk factually, but i cant say how i feel inside... a few concerned colleagues came and enquired... i just look at them, and didnt say a word.... how to say, there is alot of pain, alot. and emptiness.... but even if i said it... honestly they wont understand ....there had been some incidents the past few days .... i was thinking it shows alot in human nature .... ultimately there are very very few that truly cares... not that it matters, cos actually i saw through most of the time ....

i wake at 4+ on weekdays, get to sch by 5+...that is the best time....quietude....by afternoon, late afternoon, i get really tired....then get back, and it is easier to fall asleep without help by 11 or so...

fll emailed me, asking how is my mum, and that she has been thinking of me... i told her.... she is one of the few that would understand cos she is also on her own.... she has shared with me in dec how she felt when her father left 2 years ago.... she said, work helps..... yes, it does .... i know some day the crack is going to come.... but for the moment work helps....

ps msged me during the week. I didnt know she is back in spore. she went last year to complete her masters in uk. then she told me her bio dad died last month. ps has quite a traumatic background...bio dad was a gambler, mum left with her and divorced and finally settled down with step dad. 2 years ago, she was at uk to do her masters, both bio and step dad had cancer. she did not complete and came back...

becos she was in bereavement also, i agreed to see her yesterday evening for dinner at my place... she is also a cat person... she was a young literature teacher from one of my earlier school, and well she got on ok with me and kept in touch....

u can see the diff between a lit person and a math person tho both of us are trained eng teacher. she was alot more articulate in feelings and description.... and told me in fair details the last few days of her bio dad... she actually imitated the sound of the difficulty in breathing.... i guess it was a way out of expression.... but actually it was not what i wanted to hear....

when she finally finished her narration, then she asked me for what happened to my mum. This was the second time yesterday that i said, i dont want to talk about it. In sch yesterday, someone was telling me her family woes, which is quite distressing for her. Then after that she asked so how are u adjusting? my reply was, lets change the subject.

These are young people, and have their own set of troubles... i have been through them... not that i was as expressive about them... and even if i said anything.... i am sure they would be quick to give some reply which they think would be of comfort when really it wouldnt be....

when i was quiet, ps said i can take consolation in the fact that she went thru seeing it over 2 years and was really traumatised, and mine was short. people dont understand, long or short, is no consolation. Consolation perhaps for the person who is ill and suffering... but not for those who feel the loss... but no point saying it. i didnt say anything. u got to know my mum's life, my childhood, my life to empathise how i feel.... but is there any point saying it?

then she went on to relate her relationship problem.... i guess this was the reason why she had messaged me to catch up with me last week. otherwise usually we meet tog with el to catch up....

el is my generation, and tho very fortunate in life...also was a lit teacher, now a senior administrator.... she had more empathy and has been a quiet friend for the past nearly 20 years...

--------------------------------------
there is alot of things to do... at work....

at 'home' front.... yes i arrange every fri to take dinner at sk place with S1 so that there is some sort of regular 'family' connect to take care of both S1 and sk. there is still how to settle sulis long run, tho at present i am keeping her to help me adjust...also there is mum's place to clear....

then there is mdm f... she has been told (I thought rather brutally) that she has reached 4th stage and at the moment doing anr dose of chemo to see how to mitigate...otherwise... i am beginning to detest medical sciences... i just feel medicine is not meant to 'predict' like that... anyway i keep my mind on the Scriptures in this regard...

she looked abit tired, otherwise really she didnt look like a 'dying' person... we went out for breakfast then to take blood test, then lunch last sat....

i want to walk this stretch with her.... but need to build up inner strength to do so.... i really dont know what to say to a person who is told she is dying .... she is just 61... and really a remarkable lady in her own way... she told me she is just resigned to it... i do encourage her, but not with empty words....

--------------------------------------------------
if u look around u, everyone is living...everyone is dying...living a day whilst there is breath...dying whilst one more day is gone....

it is how we live...how we move one with purpose that makes our life live or die....

whilst young, be happy, enjoy life.... but dont squander it away.....

Roses....

I had planned to come to school today....it is easier to be away from my place....not that it is easier to focus on work at all....its hard to bear that pain everywhere u go....but experience has taught me that it must be endured....dad's passing took me more than 2 years....and it got worse through the months after the event.....this wont be any easier, except one has the 'advantage' of experience....

First time I drove into school with C4....yes, C4 came on 11 Feb...and he is quite an elegant beauty...quite easy to remember number also 8(2)64. I read it mathematically as 8square=64. even my carplate number can do math. sequentially in alternate placing, it is 2, 4 forward, 6, 8 backward, so there is order either way...and all even... yes my sense of lame humour is still intact....

But that is not the reason for this post.....I walked quite miserably into the staff room...expecting and glad that it is empty...the last time I drove into school was 8 Feb 5am....I knew things will be going wrong....so came to settle all the outstanding things to pass over to others....and clear my desk of all the mess, so people can find things that are needed if they want.....so i knew my table should be somewhat empty.....except anything new for me to see to after cny.

The last i expected was to see stalks of roses in a small glass of water waiting for me....

I cant say how much it meant to me at this time...there were 8 stalks, some identified, some not...yes, some withering, but still red and waiting....

Thank u very much...i never liked valentine's day...i always felt it is a commercial gimmick...tho i did like the first lot of flowers i got when i was in jc2, but i darent bring home cos didnt want to get scolding from mum....

but i will remember this valentines day's roses....and yes, i do like flowers very much....not from young, but somewhere as an adult, i grew to love them, to see the buds grow, and the flowers blooming....

i never liked answering questions by students on what i like or not cos i never liked them to spend money to buy things for me....altho from 403, i did request a bear so that i can hug him to remind me of them...

someone once commented that she didnt like flowers cos they die....so does every living thing...but it is lovely to see the beauty in nature in the course of their lives...and for these special roses, I will press them and keep them.....thank u....very much....and to those who left messages...to stay strong...to stay dedicated...I really want to....give me time...thanks...

Perhaps Love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YnfCH7LNcM
(If anyone can help me upload the U tube to my blog, I would be very grateful!)

Perhaps love is like a resting place

A shelter from the storm

It exists to give you comfort

It is there to keep you warm

And in those times of trouble

.....When you are most alone

The memory of love will bring you home



Perhaps love is like a window




Perhaps an open door


It invites you to come closer

It wants to show you more



And even if you lose yourself

And don't know what to do

The memory of love will see you through

Oh, Love

To some is like a cloud

To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living

For some a way to feel



And some say love is holding on

And some say letting go

And some say love is everything

And some say they don't know



Perhaps love is like the ocean

Full of conflict, full of pain

Like a fire when it's cold outside

Thunder when it rains



If I should live forever And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

(John Denver and Placido Domingo)

Nothing Gold Can Stay....Robert Frost

Nothing gold can stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay

Robert Frost

Our lives are like shells on the sand...sometimes beautiful, sometimes tossed in the fury of waves...often seen only as just another shell in the sands of time......

Painful Reflections....

Today, we buried mum...she is really finally gone...

Dont expect grief to be momentary....if it can go away like that....it cant be grief....and if it can go away like that....then where is the depth of humanity?

And with mum...it is not just grief of bereavement...just like the passing of dad...it is an inexplicable sorrow of a lifetime of complexities....mum's life is more complicated than those serialised drama...she must live a life of sorrow...though she has had her consolation with sk and myself....she had said the best that dad has given her was sk and myself...

mum is a person who can be described as larger than life...she really is...
Both mum and dad, to me are not ordinary....mum said I am like dad....dad said I am like mum....actually both were right...in character, personality, thought I am almost akin to dad...but temperamentally, i am like mum....thats why i understand her so well....but becos i reminded her of dad, i dont think she liked me sometimes.....



Dad loved mum immensely, and gave himself for her, in many many ways, it brought his downfall....mum was beautiful, and really even in death, she was beautiful, really beautiful to look at despite her age... Not the pagent kind of beauty...she had that special look, that made her special......she was someone you will look at again...how many times i was with her, and women we didnt know would say how did you keep your look for your age...yes, mum is beautiful....

she was witty and intelligent, but not educated....actually mum is a person full of contradictions....for her, dad made alot of sacrifice, too much, a cost he paid a lifetime....



Mum didnt really love dad. We all knew....but dad was a gentleman, and was the only one that was prepared to take on her 3 kids as his own....mum was barely 23, with 4 kids...she gave one away....in those days....life itself is a drama....and many sad drama....dad really was a gentleman, .....and he brought stability to her turbulent life, but not within herself....unable to reconcile conflicts, she smoked and drank....


Inevitably in her death, we have to face the past....our ties with one another are tenuous.....it was sad when B1 said to me 2 days ago that dad had told him, he regretted what he took on .......i wish B1 didnt tell me that....

i feel bad when I see st. Actually i am more like her.... I am really very much more dad, and hence has a strong affinity with st. She would still call me her sister, but i couldnt call her the same. I would say she is my father's daughter, and yes his favourite daugher.....

Over a lifetime, despite what I really wanted, i did all i could to keep all together....that was what mum wanted, B1, B2, S1 are all her children...... in this, I succeeded up to this point.... it may not sustained anymore because there is really no more motivation to do so.... mum is gone. She cant be hurt anymore....and I dont want to take anymore hurt either.... Not anymore. For the next generation sake, my nephews and nieces. I kept peace, and bore everything...I am still the more blessed because I am the one that can give.....

People can glibly say let the past be past....not when it is in the blood....u cant for instance bear a child, and say a child does not exist, let the past be the past. U cant for instance stabbed someone and say let the past be past...the wound, the scar is there...

But death should cause all to be buried.....

I faced the terrible pain of missing her presence everywhere....whether i go to food court, whether I go to cold storage, market, gwc....it was with her, for her....and now i am alone....i really really did alot for her .....i wished she told me what i mean to her....but she wont....she kept many things within herself....i know she felt very bad toward me...but i never showed that i remembered a thing... i know charity never faileth...and i know she knew i really cared for her.

I faced the inexplicable grief that I feel for her life.....toward the end, in her confusion....the persons she called out for, we never knew who they were...as sk said, she had many secrets that she took with her....B2 said he wanted to know about his father....why didnt he ask when he could, B2 by now is 56, why didnt he ask? his father died when he was a baby, so why bring this up now?....yet i think the reason why she never said was becos there wasnt much good to be said....i pitied B2, but i really want very little to do with him....if not nothing at all...

i will never understand why in the end, she never returned to river valley. She couldnt stay away. All along, she wont stay a night away at sk or B2 place...she must return to rv. Then why did she never returned back from nov 30? It was like she knew, she was going, and she bade her goodbye....

was it for me, that she wont die at rv?

was it becos of dad, becos she didnt want him to die at rv?

was it becos it held too many bad memories?

was it to give me time to adjust to her absence? It did helped...the habit of going there for dinner was broken, and it did help me to some extent....

or was it becos sk was always her favourite, who is most like her, in looks and personality, and she wanted to be with her? She would tell sk alot of things she cant bring herself to tell me....

whatever mum did, there was a reason. in this i am very like her. i didnt want to ask her becos i didnt want to upset her. I went nightly to sk's place and told her i didnt mind, and enjoyed being there etc, and she was glad and asked me to move nearer to sk.

In fact she didnt think she would go so soon, she asked me to get a place for both of us to stay near sk...she did hope to get well, and lived with me....i knew she always wanted me to move back to live with her....i know i made her feel secure....she has alot of insecurity despite her front...but i didnt want to get into debt with another mortgage...i am really very tired, she forgot i am getting old too...but i said to her, i will... And she was happy about that. Sk wants that too....i dont know what i want...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have to wait for time to help ease this passage of darkness....i dont want to live in the past...but there are alot of unsettled affairs....i dont know how things will be...

i do take heed to the simple words the kids wrote in the card...one said, the silver lining is coming; another said look forward to the future...yes, i will....

you can now understand why i spend long hours at work....at least work is 'normalcy'. I know little of normality in my life....but that was why i perceive, i understand....

today, i msged mdm f, and will meet her tmr, and accompany her for her blood test. she has had 2 bouts of chemo....having seen mum in such pain and anguish in her illness...i realise how important it is to have support and encouragement to the very ill...

i will also start again my music lesson in march....

I will move forward....i want to move forward....though really this is the declining phase of life for me too...i will move forward, and take the path less trodden....

give me time to recover from this phase of grief....however strong, we are all frail...

Truly the Lord alone is good. And his mercies alone endureth forever.....

Thank you.....

To all those who have cared, thank you. Thank you 403 for the card, and flowers....yes, it helped...

Thank you all those who drop messages of 'hi', sms sweet words to show you care....yes, it helped...

Thank you Gerlynn, Rachel, Wei Jin and Bernard for dedicating your song to me in your boarding talent search...Ms Kong told me....yes, I was touched and .....yes, it helped....

I never take friends nor any sincere touches of kindness for granted.....thank you.

waiting....

This is written in hospital....in the silence of the night....waiting....

23 hours ago, a panic call from sk, at 2+am....i told myself best to drive down...have been driving zl's kia cerato....when i reach, the mobile doc was in, and scenario was bad...another of those decision...mum was shouting in pain...she has been doing that...this is probably the third panic call.....

decision either to sustain her which would mean sending her to hospital and going thru another battery of tests to see which part of her is malfunctioning and supplementing whatever lacking...meantime she suffers on....

or to decide for palliative ie sedate her and let her go gradually...depending on her, it could be a few hour, it could be a few days or more....

my stand is firm. mum has said to me last monday when a panic call, I dropped everything in school and rushed back....she said, dont save me, dont prolong my suffering.....and another time, she said to me, I am in great pain....and i said to her, i am sorry, i didnt do it deliberately, we have to try to help you....and she said, i understand...that made me feel worse....

we didnt quite agree what to do......and it was tense....then i gave in, cos i saw sk was cracking point....whatever, we sent her back to mt e....

as to doctors...i will have quite abit to say anr time....

she was in pain and anguish, and it was terrible to see...until abt 6, the painkiller took some effect. To get everyone back, i suggested dinner...i wanted to come back later....but at dinner, hospital rang, mum's bp has dropped....and it has since dropped to 50/30.....a machine to monitor her heart rate is now attached, so that they know when she is no longer here....

i had earlier persuaded sk to go back...now bil, she and zg should be on the way.

it is all so unreal...but this is not the first time...it was far far worse with dad. I was really, really alone. Now there is zl, B1 and J1, J2 are here also....at that time 11 years ago, i can still remember that nite, the last nite with dad....since then I wanted to write cos there was so much to say that was all unsaid...

like that time, i also didnt cry....for some strange reason, i still remain one of the calmest, and have discussed with bil what to do ahead.....

now, all we are doing is waiting.....

and whilst waiting, i am writing this......

and gerlynn, i reali wanted to go today esp becos i saw u write in your blog Ms sie is coming! as if it mattered! so i reali wanted to go....but it is not to be.....