space...

after this weekend, I don't know if I am going to have the luxury to be back here....often, sheer tiredness is enough to drive the flow of words and thoughts. nevertheless I am grateful for these few days of space...breather....

today is a good day unexpectedly. Two days ago,  El had contacted me to meet for lunch today. I rarely turn El down. She has been very sisterly to me really since scgs days, though our acquaintance dates into 1980. So really it is a 30 year old friendship.
I cant say why, but I was energised by the more than 2 hour lunch conversation. I guess, there is a lot of commonality...in education, in faith, in many common paths. And I guess, she is a person that I can be myself. And I do appreciate the fact that she values me.

For some, valuation is what is measurable. For others, it is a worth, not measureable. Yes, its comforting cos El knows me and values me. As I do her. Her serene disposition always has a calming effect on me. So, it was a good sharing. On many many issues. Education, values, the path of our nation.

This has been the 'highest' perk over the doldrums the last few weeks. Hence I feel, I should make a note of it, to encourage myself. When the dark clouds clear....somehow, surely they will clear....I said to El, lets go and take a course on calligraphy. Yes, I think I and we should really structure our lives outside of schools....one day, we will. And she agreed.

I must look at things from different angles, from different perspectives. I must give myself things to look forward to, things to move on, whilst waiting for the day of redemption. I must take control, instead of letting events and consideration over-run my life. And in some things, yes, perhaps its time to call it a day....

Am thankful for friends and as always ex students. There are some dear faces that I would have loved to see, but have not, for various reasons. I hope somehow there would be time to do so. Had managed to see kuech, cl, and mag last fri, and also caught up with pc last week, oh and hc on wed. It was a good meet also with liwoon on Monday...93 batch kid....keeping that avenue open for some voluntary opportunity. She is a very very lovely kid. Was good to see sp yesterday....a steady chap...whose potential I hope to see realised in time to come. And yes, a nice long lunch with J on thursday, and a really good conversation. There were other kids that I didn't see cos I couldn't fit in, and  really didn't have the energy. Its not just time. Its energy. More limited than I realised....(and my list of to-do stuff remains undone).... Still I am thankful that till now, yes, there is rarely a week that passed, that somehow, I would hear from someone. As life gets solitary, its good to remember and be remembered....

I managed to have the energy to visit J2. ..I have stopped for a few weeks, when I noted T1 was unhappy. T2 was still fine. I told J2, I want to be their grand-aunt first, and always. Not a math tutor. I was very sad that the usual excited reception I always had was lost somehow in the dreading of math. So, I stopped the lessons. I need them to dissociate me from math. When I dropped by on Thursday, T1 was  out, having art lesson in a class nearby. So I missed him. R suggested that since it was close by, I should just dropped in and say hi before I go. I did. He looked so happy with the paint brush doing his art. I was glad to see him happy. And his eyes did lit up when he saw me. That is all I want. I don't want to make any kid unhappy. Much less over math. I was glad I stopped, at least for the moment. 

At this moment, things are relatively peaceful. A month to zg wedding...hopefully within the interim yl holds out....I hope, I really hope things can pull through for as long as possible. I daren't think.....so, I guess best not think.

This is for me to keep track of the positives. Must focus on the positives. Must always look up. Must always look at the silver lining. Its not always that easy. That pain in the soul can be quite perpetual. But, today, there is a lifting of the spirit. And when its so, I am very grateful.

The space would soon be squeezed out at what is ahead....but I have set buoys at timely interval to keep me afloat.

J reminded me of the goal I had set, a little something for a little someone....yes, I have forgotten that....yes, just a little something, for a little someone is enough, each day. And don't let what that in the space of time, is but a drop in the ocean so easily rattles one spirit. Its not worth it. Really not worth it.

Keep a steady path. If there is inspiration, I will be back tomorrow. Being here is a treat to myself. At least it means, I have the energy, and my thoughts are not choked.

yes, space. I need them. Really need them.

在水一方

昨天，跟J聊将近五个钟头，能开怀，无顾虑的闲聊，是十分难得的。话题绕一大圈，很舒适，无所不谈。

我们谈到教育的理想，谈到友谊，也谈到比友谊更深一层，但并不超过界线的情谊，应该属一般感情比较丰富又很理智的梦想者吧！ 我们都同意，人生的旅途上，纯真的友谊是可贵的，尤其在这太过现实的社会。若难得遇到可仰慕的佳人是一种幸福。是甜，是苦，随不同角度看待吧！

回来后，记得早些日子写了以下的感语，就顺流在此吧！

===================================


在水一方

绿草苍苍，白雾茫茫，

有位佳人，在水一方。
 

此词出自诗经秦风《蒹葭》

附：《蒹葭》诗文 

蒹葭苍苍，白露为霜。

所谓伊人，在水一方。
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

这是我从青年时代，最喜欢的歌曲。好多年听这首歌，总觉得自己的人生旅途缺少了什么。

从未遇到诗歌所谓的佳人 ， 听这首歌，也从来没影子浮现。

感情的纠纷，没意义的过程，不觉得是缘分，反而觉得有点无奈的卷入。也应当是没结局。

没值得留恋的回忆已说明一切。

已是很久很久以前的事。没包袱，轻松多了。

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

之前，有人问我为何单身，我笑道，没人要。她说不可能，一定是我要求过高。

我倒觉得一向没要求。

凭什么要求？根本没资格要求。更不会去寻求。

我讨厌社交，也从来不忧没伴侣。

向来独来独往、我行我素，不在乎社会风俗，旁人批判。


但是，

的确渴望遇到可倾慕的佳人。

一生如果没遇到佳人，总觉得是有点空虚，很遗憾的。

遇到就够了，心满意足。


 ======================

每个人心目中的佳人应该不同吧。 在理想中，外貌和外在物质完全不重要。但须是一位可钦佩的佳人：


慈祥、 开怀、真诚、 谦虚、 朴素、善良；

有才华、有智慧、有内涵、有毅力、 有怜悯之心；

为民服务、思顾大局、坚定稳重、和蔼可亲、偏爱简朴乡村生活、看淡名利富贵财权。


应只在小说、戏剧、理想中才存在吧！


但，

很偶然，

遇到了。是存在的!

好难得，很难得。  

毕竟遇到了，遇到是缘分。

固然，在水一方，还是很珍惜。


能徘徊在此诗的思绪，也算是福气。

思断肠，疼痛中，还是觉得无遗憾了。

默默地，衷心地，无言中，祝福

在水一方的佳人。

(2014元宵节）

of medical....

anything with respect to medical aspects.....inevitably..... long sighs.

a dark foreboding cloud is hanging over us....though I am only at the peripheral....it does pain to see sk going through being brave to stand by yl in her treatment. this is the bravest I have seen sk. actually she bears a lot, a lot for bil's family....

I didn't offer to help. I have told sk, you looked after her, I looked after you. I don't think its good for us all to get emotionally drawn. I am already at bankrupt status.

And inadvertently, every hospital treatment brings home so vividly the scenes in 2009....the start of this blog. I brought sk to see zh yesterday to get some medication for her throat infection. On the way there, I had to swallow down the lump in my throat when the issue came up about mum. I guess its really hard and painful for sk, because the oncologist yl saw  was the same one that we had consulted, the one that caused us pain. I found it hard to answer some questions sk raised. And its when sore spots are touched, and the involuntary reactions that come up, one realise how much is yet unhealed, how deep the wound is. On my own, i can try to block it....but sk brought it up....Somehow the pain is always over mum....

I feel very very sorry for yl, the extreme pain she is suffering, and the hopelessness of the spread...the frighteningly uncertainty of the lack of time....and with two young children... I don't know what to say or how to help....I just keep my focus on sk. I daren't get drawn into the emotional upheavals....and I hope it wont come too soon....

I am confused sometimes with medical sciences. Even as I am very disinclined to it, I have to admit that it has given mum extension of life by nearly 20 years. I hate the ending with medical sciences. I really do.

What I can take for myself ( which isn't that easy either) is not what others can, and there are a lot, a lot that I question. I guess I really don't know. So, though not directly involved, it is another of those trepidation filled journey. I dare not think what this will lead to....and I fully understand what sk say.... its going to happen again and again...

I wonder sometimes is it the way we view things, always from a tragic point of view? Then again, how else do you view things that lead inevitably to the end, with sufferings of illness?

I still say, how little people are prepared to face the inadvertent. And in not doing so, it also makes it difficult for their loved ones.

Somehow, I still feel the ways of the ancient, yes, even traditional Chinese medicine is more the way of nature. At least for myself. I would wish for myself not to be subjected to endless tests and investigations, to chemicals and technological therapies that bring as much damage in their quest for eradication of the harmful.

I can only say I don't know what to reply to others, and for others. I only know, I would wish for myself, just to depend on natural means, if possible, to the very end.

ideals

just saw sy's fb post....and really miss those wonderful years of teaching together as a team.

actually, at this moment, I have a lot, a lot  of 感触。Expediency requires mutedness.

what is education? sometimes, I really want to ask every 'educator' I meet. What, just what is education to you? What is each student to you?

======================
I remember when I was a kid, there were manytv  shows that has the theme of people (usually the lead cast) pursuing their dreams unrealistically. Usually in the areas of the arts i.e. art, music etc. And their fate is usually quite tragic.

Because realism is so real to me, I lived by the mantra, no one in life owes me a living. So I had a lot of initiative, giving tuition when I was 16, and taking on vacation jobs to earn anything extra. It wasn't the norm, at least not in the school that I was in, which yes, was then ranked among the top girls' school. My classmates were mostly well off.

So I have little patience for people who don't do their duty by their family first. It isn't that I didn't have dreams. Its just I feel too much, especially for the situation at home. And I knew, if finance was stable, perhaps it could resolve some issues. It took me more than 20 years to arrive at that stability.

Teaching was being practical. I didn't want to teach. Not that I knew what I wanted. But it was the only one that I was offered a merit bursary to pay for my uni course, without being a burden to my parents. I really, really, really want to study. I just want to learn. And I still want to learn.

So teaching became like my family, a duty. I worked very hard. I don't think I taught well. But I was super dedicated. And worked very very hard. And students matter a lot, a lot to me.

I will always thank Ms Heng for providing a wonderful teaching environment for me to develop, that  I finally understood teaching as an art. Not by attending courses. By teaching. By observing. By venturing forward. By reading. By feeling.

But I knew I still had lacking. A five years hiatus, re entering the education realm, I saw things differently, and finally understood the dimensions of education, of which results is but one aspect. And that understood, one dares to go to schools of very different types of learners, and still enjoy the teaching, and seeing students learning. In nushs, alot finally crystallised in my mind.

It seemed rather late in life for one to pursue one's ideals throwing caution to the wind. Actually it is, because energy wanes.... and you are almost alone.

almost. I am thankful there are still like-minded people...though all are trapped in systems. I am not a conformist, but I am not a revolutionist. I see life as it is, fragile. Perhaps it is age. I can only encourage those who are young, to endure the systems as I had, and hopefully, still preserve their dreams and ideals, as I had, and do what good they can, within the realm they can.

For myself, I leave it to 缘分, who I meet, who I can help, who I can pass on my dreams....someday, I hope some of my kids can continue where I cant.....

And yes I miss sy, and that team of wonderful colleagues....that remain among my best of friends.....and what he wrote stirs up a lot of things within me. I mustn't be sad. Not many have ideals and can hold on to them. I have and have held on. That is something I must value. Mustn't keep looking at the non ideal side.

writing is really very helpful to me. It makes me feel better. :)

悟到

A couple of days ago, I read a message that says, " I 悟到 this meaning during my leave after I make some breakthrough that time."

The highly apt use of the phrase 悟到 struck me. Somehow the English equivalent of it would be weak.

There are some words that is more suited to use Chinese. This word is translated as 'realised’ or 'understand'. Yet somehow there is a gap between the words in the two languages. There is something about 悟到, it somehow conveys a perception, an inwardness in the realization. There is a 'heart' in it. A feel.

I have always pondered about the words: know, realised, perceived, understand, discover, each with their nuances. I admit I prefer the Chinese vocabulary in this realm：知道，明白，理解, 领悟，觉悟，意识，体会. Apart from the first three that are commonly used, the remaining has a depth and a feel that is not just about knowing or understanding. Maybe English is a more rational language?

One is supposed to have better understanding and knowledge with increasing years. True in some sense. And the more knowledge, the more sorrow. Says Solomon, known to be the wisest man in Proverbs. He says in Ecclesiates, there is nothing new under the sun. Actually, very simply, its true. Starkly true, once all the façade is torn down.

Then again, I sometimes find myself less certain, less definitive, more confounded. One concept that eludes me for instance is the concept of equality, or fairness. And even the concept of justice. When young, I was so certain. I no longer am. What is equality? How to build a society based on it if the concept is not clear and means different things to different people? Am I always seeing exceptions? I don't believe I am. I could go on.....but discretion dictates otherwise.

Today, I saw an occasion when a few people took pledges for an event. In my heart, I ask, can really these be kept? Sincerely wishing to keep promises, and pledging to keep them in solemnity is another thing altogether. Perhaps young I would have complied. Now, I wont. I daren't. And need I? Why must these pledges be set up by organisations?

Some weeks ago, I met up with G, this is our annual meet, though she didn't return in 2013. She will be graduating from medic school this year. It was always good catching up with her. There is somehow an affinity with her.  Its almost ten years now, since I first taught her as a young 14 year old gep student. She remarked about my 'anti-establishment' trait because I said, I don't care about results, prizes, awards. She loves them as she has plenty of them. She is a very bright girl. That's fine. I am happy for her whenever she shared with me her achievements.

I didn't attend my uni convocation, and never regretted it. I see no purpose in the ceremony, in wearing the graduation gown etc. Is this anti-establishment? I don't know. Despite what I have felt, I have survived systems and structures and more than survive, I did my best to help every kid in the system.  Very fairly, I have kept within the circumferences drawn, and taught my kids to do the same. I am thankful that I have worked under principals that had given me leeway.  I don't support mavericks, nor lawlessness.

Is it me that always seem to be different? If one was to wind back to time as it was, why do we have all these ceremonies? To mark the occasion for what? To create the distinction of a class above others? I may not be as smart or achieve to great heights or a geek, but I know I do a lot more in-depth thinking than the average. And I care more, perceive more,did a lot more planning for the sake of others, often without their knowing because I perceived things in advance. I count it my due to do so, because I have been blessed with the perception.  And I am happy to remain in the background, insignificant, inconspicuous, and don't mind even being misunderstood if good can come out of it.

I detest pomp. I detest showmanship. I detest systems. I detest upmanship. I detest glitter and glitz.

I somehow belong to a different era. I long to return to a village life, to simplicity, just being with nature....yes like a sheep in need of a Shepherd.  I long for simplicity and tranquillity. I long for true knowledge and wisdom.

And even as I also 悟到 many many truths, and in my soul, I know the promises that I made in my heart for those I care, I will keep them, I don't need external impositions and promises to care, nor need I make declarations for others to know......I remain ever lonely....and alone. It is painful to understand too many things, more precisely 悟到.

At this moment, the soul is painful. It has been for some months......