Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

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this is not the first time I wrote on this phrase. I had resolutely said in my 30s that I do not agree with this phrase; pain is just too painful. For that reason, I never considered having pets and was never persuaded despite my deep love for cats in particular. Actually, i love easily. I feel pain easily. I feel the pain of many easily. I have no control. It just feel it. Not for all. But for those that i have affinity with.

T and B were never my design. They change my perspective of this phrase. And yes, without regrets, I will say, whatever the grief and sorrow during loss, I will not exchange it for not having them.

B has been diagnosed with a rare nerve disorder, where she gets into seizure which takes place almost once daily. To say it has been very trying is an understatement. My nerves are very raw especially after she bit me a few times again past midnight on Monday, and this time worse than the previous 2 months ago. In total this is the third time since last december. I had to shut her into the room and could hear the commotion of her trying to get out and having a couple more seizure. Finally in the morning, she was calmed but uncertain. I could see her fear....of being abandoned.  I did what I can to alleviate her discomfort....and more importantly, make her feel loved and comfortable. I am trying to see things from a different angle...B has always not been the very strong, and making it to 12 years is really very good. I must see each day as a gain....and not worry about the loss that would come....

Dr N has been very supportive. She felt we should give Gabapentin a try before any final decision. And I felt I should respect her judgement. I started her on Gabapentin from Monday, and seemingly she was restful for two days....I agreed to give her reprieve in trying this out. Its so easy I realised to debate about euthanasia. I know every argument for it, and every reason is out of love. I am not impractical. But its deeply painful. Because B is more than a pet to me. She is one of the only two left in my life that resides deep within. T is the other. It is hard. Its really very very hard.

This morning, it all went awry again. And I could not be of much help as my right hand has not recovered full function. As it is, dr zh didnt really like to see the injury and has said, 长痛不如短痛。He didnt feel I should continue this way, but agreed to continue to prescribe for B, whilst I give Gabapentin a try. Dr N felt tcm had done her really good and should continue tog with Gaba.

I managed finally to bring her to dr N. She suggested leaving B with them a few days. Even that was hard. I know B will be frightened. But dr N felt I was in no frame and best have some rest. Also, she said, she is not insisting if I really feel its best to let B go. Whichever way is hard. Very very hard.

I just want to make sure that there is really no way out, and not because I cant cope. Since there is a possibility of Gaba working. sk has seen many seizures in the place where she is helping out. And they are kids.....i have alot of pity for their parents....its a lifetime....and no end in sight. She is therefore tougher about coping with it. Dr zh feels there is no possible cure, and all we can do is to keep making her dopey. I know that is not quality life. But at the moment, its not because I want to keep her alive. Its that I don't want to make the deliberate decision to end because of the trauma. Yesterday morning, when i sat next to her, she climbed onto my lap. She has been wanting to be in the same room as me these 2 days. I don't want to let her down.

I will have to drive down the vet later and bring her medication. I will leave her there for at least a day. Hopefully, i will get her back by Friday morning. And I guess that will be the last time she is going to the vet. Actually, i realised there is nothing they can do anymore apart from increasing the dosage and calming her down. If she continues into prolong seizures after that, it would have to be the end. I hope to arrange for it to be done at home.

I am recording this with much pain. This is the place that I have allowed grief to pour, in measure. Allow me to grieve. Allow me to cry. Allow me to feel the pain of the loss of this little creature who has cuddled in my arms, and cradled on my lap through 12 years.

I will make the hard decision when I have to. I never shunned what I need to do. Its just, I don't feel it is right now. Yes, its prolonging pain. But eliminating pain deliberately is not natural either. If it was a human life, it can't be so. As at this moment, I have not extended B's life artificially. If I made a decision to end it, when there is medication to relieve has yet to take effect, is that right? I now see why euthanasia should not be allowed for humans.

I have face issues of death with both dad and mum. In both cases, I was the decision maker. I was firm, but it was very painful. I need to be firm for the sake of everyone. I hope, for myself, the Lord will grant me grace to endure all the pain and discomfort when it comes to myself. I really pray for my own end, and hope I will have a clear mind to make decisions for myself.

I will pick up again from here. I must finished the amendments by today. I must rest. And then bring B back. I would like her to know she is with me, to the end.

I love my B. I really do. For her, and for T, yes, Tis better to have loved and lost....than never to have loved at all.

Lord, be merciful to me, and remember me. Truly, the goodness and mercies of the Lord endureth forever.

爱心歌

爱心歌

请你把爱心 灌溉枯萎的花朵
哪怕是即将掉落 它也会慢慢复活
请你把爱心 留给需要爱心的人
因为那不幸的人 需要你给他寄托
爱是奉献不是施舍
爱是付出不是获得
请你把爱心 散播在每个角落
让世界走向大同 让人间充满欢乐
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
心情低落，这首费玉清的歌的歌词自然的飘进心坎中。尤其这两句：

爱是奉献不是施舍
爱是付出不是获得

我需要活得有意义。有时候，并不容易，其实好难。有时候，真的很疼痛，默默的等时间冲淡，路还是须走下去。要怎样走，我不知道。起码，似乎还能为别人做一点有意义的事。对自己，我不知道。我只知道，有选择，还是会选择付出，不然就不是我。如果在某个角落，有些欢乐，也算没白付出。

前景的确模糊茫茫，内心的确落寞彷徨。。。还是要坚忍内心的曲折，潇洒的走下去。孤独中，还是有意义吧。因为。。。我知道，最终，我还是会选择单独的走完这路程。我想我一向有勇气忠于自己的判断，自己的选择，我应该有勇气承担心底的伤感。

aftermath 重情义

the impact has hit very hard. i realised it was not just on me. sk was similarly hit....

It was something totally unexpected....hence there was no 心理准备。Whilst the 7 days were over, i could not return to normalcy. sleep was 'protected' via tcm, that was always kept in store, as a 后备。So all routine was thrown out, food, exercise, work....and meeting people. saw sp because his interviews were drawing near, and there was a need to go through some points. j had been sweet, came over with cooked dinner, but it was an effort for me. thankfully, experience teaches me that time is a factor. No rush. The pain of loss will ease.

I had been pondering why. It was really inexplicable. I dont read his books. I dont follow his news. I was vaguely aware that he was quite ill. As far as I am concerned, he had faded into the background. So the whole painful bereavement was inexplicable. Or at least it was when it hit so hard. 

I gradually realised that the impact on childhood is far greater than I realised. He was a towering figure in our childhood. In the insecurity of our childhood, given our peculiar family circumstance, the constant assurance of his leadership and the sense of safety had meant alot in our childhood and growing years. We knew we could continue our education in safety whatever the possible upheavals from home. Insidiously, imperceptibly, he was a figure that mattered alot to us, to me, to sk. I guess dad didnt made us feel secure. He was very kind and compassionate but...... Because we were in Singapore, there was always hope, if we were responsible and worked hard. I remembered I was amazed that B1 for his non industriousness, holding a clerical job can own a nice 3 room flat. Similary, B2 and S1 gained from the home ownership policy. Except me, because the policy was against singles. Nevertheless, it has given each member a way out of a seemingly dark situation at home. 

Whatever my own non achievement, things were just and fair, though very hard. I never had to resort to desperate means. There was always a way out. Leaders matter, they matter alot. The one at the very helm. I really took a lot for granted. But that I can understand rationally.

The feeling of deep loss is beyond rationality. Maybe, we are sentimental. sk is definitely sentimental. I am much less. Life has taught me to be tough. But, what is buried deep inside, 情义，that is not something one can implant or rationalise out. This is my infirmity, 重情义。Some see it as a strength. But as the one that feels the strength of pain, it is a crippling weakness. 

One of the persons I met last week was sw, from teaching in cgs. I still remembered her sensitivity and kindness to me when she once accidentally saw me coming out from the washroom, looking distressed. That was May 1987. I remembered because, it was a very very painful time, and I was contemplating ending the pain then...... She gave me a call the next day to check on me....a small gesture, but that gesture saved the moment.  For her friendship, I kept up with her over 30 years. Also because her younger girl is autistic...and though 30 now, still need a lot of care. She knew my quirks, my non social traits.  sw is not in good health, and i realised she had also been to zh tcm as well.

I had a good talk with her because she was of the period that involved controversies. She was aware that I knew a lot too and hence was surprised that I was so upset. In explaining to her, I was also clearer. LKY was a distant, very distant father figure. Not just merely in my life. In sk's as well. I said to sw, that the very reason why i kept in touch with her, is the very reason why i feel the pain of the passing of Mr Lee.  重情义. I may not always be able to be in touch, or be of help. But when I can, I want to. There are not many people that i feel this way to. There are still a few more. When I can, I will. 

So ends an era. I am gradually picking up.....

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I have decided to keep the post that I wrote in fb here as well.....I meant every word I wrote....

23 March 2015 

Nothing gold can stay
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

Robert Frost
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My father told me he was a scout that stood on duty in the funeral of Dr Sun Yat Sen. To me, that was one of his greatest achievement. I was an admirer of men and women of historical stature.

What I didn’t realise was, ninety years from that momentous occasion my father has witnessed, I should be one amongst throngs, that stood in the rain, to glimpse the passing of the cortege of a man, whose greatness would be recorded in history.

This week had been a time of turmoil. It wasn’t that Mr Lee’s passing was not expected. It was. It wasn't that I agreed with many of the policies. I didn't. It wasn’t that I was not aware of controversies. I was. In the end, I had found it more peaceable for the mind to shun matters in local political scene, on both sides, for the last two decade. Therefore there should be no reason why from the moment I knew he was gone, it should impact me deeply. But it did. Very hard. My spirit plunged. I didn’t expect it.

It isn’t because of Singapore’s progress from third world (or fishing village, does it matter?) to the present day that made a difference to me, though it is really an astounding transformation. Actually, I would have been happy if it remained as a simple village and regret the days of the simplicity of my childhood was gone. It isn't because of Singapore’s perceived stature in the world, though one cannot but be proud of Mr Lee’s outstanding statesmanship and his obvious brilliance. The eulogies from many world leaders said it all. For all these, one can feel a sense of deep loss and sadness of the passing of a person of such stature.

But the grief felt within was very personal. Over the week, my mind flashed back to the turbulence of the times, the uncertainties and the threat of the Indochina wars, the British withdrawal during the 1960s and 1970s, and the recession in the 1980s. He was always there to lead. All my life. And now, he is no more. That caused a deep personal grief.

As I stood in the rain, I remembered the days of my childhood, I was among those in ‘the milk scheme’ for at least 2 years. Children who appeared malnourished were singled out to be fed with milk for better nutrients. Free. I took that for granted. I remembered the dental scheme, when we would be called out of our classrooms and transported to Outram dental clinic, twice a year. Free. I took that for granted. I remembered every child was given a mug and tooth brush, and after recess, we had to brush our teeth together, and taught to do it in the right way. I took that for granted. You see, we were a third world country. Many of us did not have knowledge of all these deemed as ‘basics’.

All the documentaries that many now see (which some press in the west mocked as propaganda) were the times I lived through. Very few homes had televisions. The community centres provided them a way where they could gather and watch. These community centres conducted lessons at low cost, cooking, sewing etc and my mother and eldest sister attended and learnt. I forgot. I took it for granted. As a child, I ran errands and bought groceries. When Chinese New Year drew near, my mother would stock up way beforehand, because prices would jacked very high as profiteering was very common then. When Ntuc came in, prices were always the same, and kept low, no matter the season. Hoarding of food was no longer necessary. I took that for granted.

As a child, I worried about a lot of things because things were turbulent at home. School provided the haven for me and I love school. But I never worried about being unable to continue in school because we were always assured, that as long as we wanted to study, there would be a way. So from my jc to the end of my university days, I received merit bursary which eased the financial situation. I had benefited and assumed my due. I had taken for granted.

I was not a person that can be button-holed into a system. So, I do not fare well with management most of the time. Yet, I never felt at any time, that there was injustice or that my way was blocked. From the 1980s when I started teaching to this present moment, I always encourage my kids that there is a path that we can beat out for ourselves, 路是人走出来的. Because I was always confident, in this place we call our country, it has always been such, that so long as you are willing to learn, willing to work hard, there is always a way out. I can be so positive in career guidance is not because of optimism. It is because, there really are many avenues available for our young. The foresight that made this possible I have taken for granted.

When I was young, banks go on the run, and there was fear and instability. Now, all these was left behind. In earlier days, it was not safe to be out late. By the mid 1980s, the sense of danger and unsafeness was gone. Roads were well litted, and robberies were much less frequent. These, I did not take for granted. I was immensely grateful for the CPF, without which, the demands from many side would have depleted all savings meeting the needs of others. I was at least assured that there was savings for housing, health and old age. As long as you work hard, keep within your means, it is always adequate. I did not take this for granted. The keeping of the city clean and green, the cleaning up of the Singapore river and the Kallang river, my generation saw the sights, before and after. I did not take this for granted.

For whatever controversies and hurt that had taken place in the turbulence of the past, it is not my place to pass judgements. Some western press call us a nanny state, if so, I can only say, I am thankful to be nannied. I am very thankful and grateful for what my family and I have benefited.

I can now understand why deep within myself I feel painfully the passing of this extraordinary man. I record my very deep gratitude to Mr Lee Kuan Yew.