reflections....mentality and attitude

as at this moment, i am still moving forward. there is alot of clearing to be done, and i hope that this task, delayed for 2 years will be done in the next 2 weeks.

i must thank the ever faithful mr soon for always being at hand to help me out. I realised he will be 80 next year. Over twenty years.... he has seen alot, and has helped me through many rough patches.... he remained as alert as ever, and still a great problem solver.

went down ikea 2 days ago and it can be quite bewildering. i now understand some of the difficulties mum had.... when one is too insulated, it is hard to adjust to the rapid changes. It must be very difficult for that generation when they cant even read english.

Two years ago, it was vl and angeline that helped me get the basic items that i need, and helped me have sufficient to settle in. I realised i wont make good choice on my own, especially when i need to get things done for two rooms. i decided to take up the open offer by the blss boys, ck and kt. So we met up today at ikea. ck turned out to be a greater help than i had expected.

we didnt get anything but at least there is preliminary plan. was surprised at their thoroughness in planning and the extra extra mile they were willing to go to.... i hope somehow things will get some order soon...

i can only say, i am very grateful and thankful....strength is not on my side....i do miss that element in youth, i was a pretty strong and tough nut....must learn to be gracious.

It isnt that i hadnt asked a few people earlier, professional contractors as well. Over the last 2 years, i had made at least 3 failed attempts. Cost was not the issue. It is how people undertake tasks. Minimal accountability even from the start. What makes the difference?
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In all my dealings with people, i observe and ponder. And through it, perceive. I cant explain perception. Not that i can explain the difference either.

At the start of the year, my observations over differing circumstances had led to me to think seriously of the difference between intelligence, cognition and mentality. When sean was here last month, i asked him to define mentality. He related it to one's experience in life. The exposure to how one is brought up, one's environment, one's relations with people that formed one's mentality. It is a factor, definitely. Upbringing affects one's mentality. But siblings can be so vastly different, so it is an influencing factor, not a determing factor.

Is mentality an exercise of the mind, or one's personality? The level of mentality is related to one's thought process. How does the intellect level influence mentality? Why I focus on mentality is, I feel attitude towards things is highly correlated to one's mentality.

What is good attitude? What is bad attitude? What is attitude? What drives attitude? The way people serve, the way people answer enquiries, the way people undertake tasks that they are engaged to do, the way people relate/listen/help another is often at a surface level. Do the basic, and thats it. If one can do even less, thats better.

Note the oft mentioned Singaporean mentality, kia-su, complaining, self-centred being some key features. Anyone consider how these features have become so much in the fabric of our society? The scarcity of independent mindedness is frightening; When probed, i have noted how glib and fast actions and pursuits are excused with, everyone is like that, its the society, cant be helped.

Students or working adults, one can see it if one is observant. But honestly, when it comes to adults, i dont bother much, even when i am being taken for a ride. I wont file complains either. Is there a point? But kids, they are still malleable...

I also wonder if the cognitive aspect, the intellectual capacity plays a limiting role in 'attitude' issues. In particular, maid issues. And for that matter, issues arising in the service sector.

I note also that people with high intellect, and hence quite likely to be more successful, their mentality is often on another platform. Sean is actually very perceptive to be so intuitive in his reply to a question thrown to him spontaneously. Life's experiences shape mentality. If one is more aware of one's tendencies, then, they are more likely to be able to bridge the differences in platforms, and a bond of worth could be formed. Actually the chinese saying 门当户对 is really wise, in many respects. It took me many years before I understand the wisdom.

And then, I understood dad better. too late...

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In our lives, inadvertently, we have to deal with people due to varying circumstances. Alot of unhappiness and friction comes about due to the differences in expectations of attitudes ( includes 'boss' attitude). That is what is observed on the outset.

I somehow feel, the deeper issue is mentality....and if there is a need to address the issue, it is the mentality of the person that needs to be address, not the observed 'attitude'. 

if one quietly observes, (quietude is a necesity), and considers, i think, one will understand what i mean....not that it matters....

More steps

The last two months have been a kind of strange passage, a delayed passage, but one that I really needed to traverse. Honestly, i despaired.  i had felt that i have no more strength to care about anyone, nor felt it mattered at all to anyone. I suppose I had put all my heart for the kids over these years, and without them, without school, nothing mattered anymore. My life seems a blank. Or so it seems.

 I know, I have avoided facing this for far too long. Sometimes, people fill up their schedule so tightly so as not to face emptiness. I do that. I know. I was a known workaholic all my life.

So, i knew it was a plunge to no plans. Without structure, without routine, without support. I knew it would be a time of painful inner afflictions....

And..... I think, through the tumult....I am beginning to see a glimmer.... the end of the tunnel is near, i hope.

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I started abit of cooking for myself. For some reason, kuech has been bugging me about this.

Last year, becos of the kids, i cooked a couple of times. And I was happy. But when they were gone, there was no reason to cook anymore. Most of my meals were bread, bananas, cornflakes, maggi mee....

For everyting i do, there had to be a meaning to it. But somehow, the meaning had been lost. It has really been a maze.,,and i wasnt sure how i was going to grope my way out.

I am thankful to kuech. I knew her from 7 years old, my primary one classmate, all the way to uni. But we werent close friends. Good friends. Not that we kept in touch for decades. And in recent years, when we met up accidentally, she had been the one communing. I take initiative only at work and with students. But not in maintaining friendships...

I am grateful that despite the countless times that i turned down meeting etc, she had persevered. The conversation over dinner before the concert a couple of weeks ago helped me more than she realised. Though it was not long and somewhat casual, it was a rare conversation that reflects maturity of mind in issues. I do listen. And ponder.

I have also finally make a start to clear the mess that had accumulated over the last 2 years since i moved in, as well as the things that had not been unpacked. It will take time, but i have made more than one first step....

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i do observe the ways of the wind, the sway of the leaves; i do hear the quietude of kindness and warmth; and solace and comfort does trickle in.

Over these weeks, j2 has been sweet. And i have taken on to teaching t1, the first six year old kiddo that ever took on to me.

blss boys finished their ntu exams, and gathered here with a hotpot session. They also managed to get me out the next day.  They are 22 now, and it has been gratifying that over the last 6 years, the bond has been kept. I graciously accept the help they want to render. It is hard to be on the receiving end, and it is a battle to be gracious.

Also met up with AT  and G, both very bright girls, with their respective contemplations over life. AT's path is yet to be seen, whilst G will be in her fourth year in medic. It should be the ninth year of knowing G. Every year, when she returned from Australia, she will look me up. And each year, I see the transformation in her, and our conversations took on different levels, from her medical training, to relationships, and for the first time, she asked me about my christian faith. She noted that unlike others, I did not interlinked my faith in my conversations, but she knew it mattered to me.

I said to her, I may not speak oft about faith, but my christian faith is my life. It is the only reason why I am still living.
G is an excellent listener. I know she really hears. She wanted to know. I hope the sharing would be of help to her.

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Oneself is often one's greatest enemy and obstacle. Knowing it however doesnt mean one can overcome. .

It also doesnt help to be acutely perceptive. There is no point explaining perception. I have reasons to be distrustful.

One has to look beyond, and above.

Starting to cook is good.  I finally replaced the oven that wasnt working since I moved in. I should start to bake also. I hadnt baked for over 3 years....since mum got very ill.

Though it has been a slow process, a steep climb, I take heart that each day, the glimmer seems brigher within....i wont rush for the light...i have learnt it is the steady and sure walk that counts....

And though strength does diminish alot with age, the heart is somewhat stronger to move forward..... for a long, long, long time, i had not felt thus....and this time, i felt, i could faced what i couldnt before....

and for the first time for a very very very long time, i felt i am living, not just existing.....

I must bake. There are good friends that had stood by me the last few years. If I can, I want to bake for them.

I will continue to take more steps....i must.

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Brownee hasnt been well....blood in pee, bladder inflammation.... saw the vet today. She is now calm...like me...

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Many thanks to dear friends, ex colleagues, ex students....each with their little touches made me feel i am indeed blessed with invaluable riches.

Above all, to the ever merciful Lord, who can be touch with the feelings of our infirmities, the Shepherd and Bishop of my soul.

May the record of the soul journeys encourage weary souls someday ahead....

steps...

moving on requires taking steps....as long as there is life.....one has to move on.

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i remember a day thirty years ago, 2 friends came to my place on a saturday afternoon. The couple was my seniors, who were the closest to me then, both from the engineering faculty. It was a surprise visit. I was giving tuition to a few kids at home and I rarely have visitors. They returned after my tuition ended. 

I didnt know then that the result of the supplementary exams came out that morning. The results were expected  the following week. At that time, results were pasted on the notice board. If your name was there, you cleared. If not, it meant you have to repeat the entire year.

I remembered they came in and sat quietly at the sofa. Then the chap said, the results came out. i looked at both of them. and said, i didnt clear. They didnt reply.

I was sitting facing the gate then. It was a fine day, a hot sunny day. I can still remember so vividly the thought that passed through my mind then,  how come there were no streaks of lightning, no clapping of thunder,  no outpouring of rain? In the shows, whenever there was a tragic scene, it would be a dark, stormy day. My world had turned into darkness,  but without, everything was still so bright and cheery. Why?

i was wordless and tearless. thats me.

Its strange, but that instant, was starkly imprinted in my mind. Even at that moment, I saw clearly and understood, when things crashed for one, the world goes on as usual for others, who can be totally oblivious to the devastation of other beings ..... Perhaps that is why, i am more sensitive to and perceptive of inner worlds of wordless people.

That night was one of the longest night in my life, hearing the bitter exchange of words between mum and dad. I had to pick the broken pieces all on my own....it was not merely the failure, it was also the most painful heartbreak......

somehow, somehow, i walked through that dark year, alone....

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It takes courage to look back, to as far back as 30 years...and...faced many things....sometimes it requires time for one to be honest to oneself....

I have taken steps over the past ten days after months of total standstill.... small steps, not firm steps, but still they are steps.

The warmth and consideration extended from a few quarters are appreciated. i dont know how steep the climb would be, and how long it would take, whether it can be sustained, what the end will be....

I only know,  I have taken steps... steps that hopefully will beat a path out....

振作

迷迷茫茫，过了四十没有方向，没有目标，没有规律，似乎失去自己的日子。犹如在海洋里无望地漂浮，又如在森林里迷失，没有方针，走不出荒野。


完全没有寄托的日子，对我而言，是毫无意义。为了活着而活着的日子，真不好过。

今天，告诉自己，我真的需要振作。

不是为了自己。因为一向自己是不重要的。我真的不懂得怎样为自己而活，只是现在懂得比较善待自己。

还好。虽然不懂得为自己而活，但起码懂得不能成为别人的负担。我更不想伤害到以往爱护我的人，我不希望他们对我的回忆有遗憾。

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很多人有意想帮人，可是他们想帮的方法，是从他们的角度来帮，只看层面。但我心里也意会到，就算他们想深一层的了解，有时候也是超过他们的界限。

毕竟，我人生的路途和经历是跟一般人不同的。连我自己的家人都不了解，何况是过平静生活的人

我是个很简朴，很容易满足的人，并没什么要求，只想偶而，有些温馨的感觉。我承认，从sk那里，感受不到。其实，我也应该料到，向来，我们的生活方式，思想距别巨大，因妈的离去，有那种无依无靠的感觉，把我们拉近。

但，过了这些日子，也返回原置。有时候，要保存亲情，是须保持些距离。


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我还是算很幸运的。我还是有几位要好的朋友，是愿意帮我的。虽然，说不上是生死只交 （这个年代，有生死之交 吗？），但，是比家人还了解我的善友。是我自己开不了口。是自尊？是骄傲？我不知道。可能因为，我一向被视为强者，所以，如今，心灵到了几乎破产的地步，实在觉得狼狈。其实，我一向不想做女强人。只是情况一直不许我不能不逞强。当很落寞的时候，心灵熬不住的时候，很难开口，也开不了口。

四十天的堕落，也该清醒了。今天，我告诉自己，我要再尝试振作。我想踏出第一步。我不知，是否能做得到，但我知道，第一步是重要的。

人生对我真的毫无意义。以前还对教育界存有一些抱负，现在也看破了。

昨天，j2整家来探望我。我跟j2应该说有一种微妙的缘分吧。在一群侄儿女成长的时期中，她是我最少接触的。因为 j1的缘故吧。长大后，有闲聊过一两次，还好，保持中立。

大约七年前，她因先怀孕，要结婚，她妈不赞成，闹到妈那儿。妈也很不高兴。我刚好在，看她有自己的主见，而支持她的选择。因此，改进了我们的关系。其实，在我七个侄儿女中，是j2最象我。她年幼的样子，真的很象我。做事一些风帆也有些相似。这我有注意到。

我知道外人最多可以伸手来帮你。自己若不伸出自己的手，借一点点力来帮自己，别人是无能为力的。而且也是很不理智的。还好，我一向还是很理智的。

我知道她和 T带着t1,t2到我家，是想给于我感受到一些属家人的一点温馨。

是。我是感动了。

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我希望今天能走出迷宫的第一步。我知道路真的是很漫长的。而且，也还是很孤独的路途。

我只希望或许，我还能在很小很小的范围，给某些孩子，一点点的帮助吧。

我真的很想振作，不想一直徘徊在苦海里，心灵真的很疼痛。

求主怜悯我，宽恕我，帮助我，走出荒野。

我不用找到黎明。 我只求无愧的走近黄昏。

Languages

Why i write in English. Why I write in Chinese.

I grew up in a dialect speaking environment. But i detest my own dialect. And honestly, whilst I think it is important to be bilingual, the way bilingualism is propagated in the education system is a failure. Because the objective was for 'economic' purpose. Not for the love of language and culture. And that is fundamentally incorrect.

What bilingualism did for me was probably to make the books in the languages accessible to me. But it did little to build my love for the languages.

I grew up reading English. Endlessly. Any book I can lay hold on, I read. And I understood what I read. Dont ask me how I laid hold on Wuthering Heights at eleven. I cant remember. But i did. Probably from the school library. I not only read it,( there was no abridged version in the 60s/70s), I understood it, and understood the anguish of Heathcliff in particular.

I read most of the classics by 14. So English should be the language of my heart. But it is not.

Perhaps it was because I grew up in the environment of rediffusion with chinese programs, chinese songs, and chinese shows. But what is strange is, none of my siblings from exactly the same environment, who read much less than me, took on to chinese. All, everyone, when they could break out and have their own lives, all took to the English environment route in their choice of books, magazines, songs, shows.

Ironically, i was the only one that loved English Literature as a subject, a subject that I never failed to score distinction throughout my school life, together with Chinese. Ironically I was the only one that pursued the academic route and later had a specialised diploma in teaching English.

But I love the chinese language. Its deep, poetic, melancholic, and subtle.

If I was to use home environment as the reason for my inclination to chinese, it really doesnt make sense. Dad loved chinese. But we conversed only in English. Dad's chinese was superb. I am not a fraction his level. At his time, which is in the 1940s, he went to Shanghai to attend the University, but never completed because of appendicitis. He had said he was one of the scouts at Sun Yat Sen's funeral. I wished I knew more about dad.

So, my love for chinese is unaccountable. If hereditary, then it must be from dad. He was a lover of language, culture and books. The only person I would credit my foundation in chinese was a tutor who taught me for more than a year when i was eleven . She knew my capacity was above average, and she cut out many newspaper articles for me to read. Actually that wasnt sufficient either. When home finance got really bad, i asked to stop tuition. I was twelve then.  Had my vocabulary in chinese been better and grasp of chinese culture and history deeper, I think, i would totally express in chinese and probably took the literary route. But, my command of the language was very much constrained by my severe lackings.

English is a language of the intellect to me. I love the cogency, and using it as a tool of analysis and thought. I write with ease with it, and think most of the time in the language. But, I sometimes find it too wordy. In communication verbally, it is English.

Do I think in chinese? Actually, yes.... to me, chinese is a language of the affective. It expressed my soul and my inner thoughts. There is an economy in words that can expressed so much depths.

Mathematics is a language in its own right. It is a language of reasoning. Absolute economy of words. Abstract. Cold. But precise. Mathematics became the tool of communication between me and the kids. By it, I convey learning philosophy. And i enjoy that. I think I owe alot to Mathematics that provided the counter balance to my dreamy soul.

Its strange when I was asked what were my favourite subjects. They are English Literature, Chinese, Mathematics and Economics. They are the languages of the mind, heart and intellect and application.

I have no answer for why the languages mean the way they do to me. They are the vehicles that are windows that i open to the outer world. With the end of teaching (at least for this present time), there is little use of Mathematics as a language, though it remains an exercise of the mind to me.

And for this present moment, the language that i find myself immersed in is chinese....its a dwelling in my own world...

 I like 散文。It would be nice to have a collection of them....

看<又见一帘幽梦>有感（一）

看《又见一帘幽梦》有感（一）

 

我对《一帘幽梦》的故事并不熟悉，只听过歌曲， 但也没注意到歌词。原因？我不相信浪漫的存在。

 

我是在琼瑶小说编成电影，所谓的“双秦双林”时代长大的。那时候，对秦汉的印象最深。看他主演的戏最多，但理智的我对戏的情节多方缺乏逻辑或道义，不能接受。我是理想主义者。永远相信爱并不是占有。若能找到终生伴侣，是可遇不可求的。

 

所以，长大后，我很少看爱情为主题的戏剧。一向被感情困扰的人，是不用看这类的戏剧。我只有在很无聊，很无奈 的情景下，要逃避现实生活之下，才沉迷在戏剧里。

 

纵然如此，所看的戏剧，一向以使命感之类的戏为主题，也只选择港剧。 我需要活得有意义，虽然，在我的人生，意义已好像不存在，但，至少在幻想中，戏剧中， 可存在。可能是因看港剧长大的缘故，总觉得港剧的思构最接近我的人生观念。

 

看了戏剧后，若对某个艺人印象深，就会探索艺人的背景和他们的其他作品，看来做比较。因为我觉得，艺人如果能掌握一个角色，需要拥有内涵，并不只靠演艺。有人觉得我这样看戏，太过累了，对娱乐太过认真了。也许是吧。实际上，要了解艺术，是需了解艺人的心态。现代的人，活得未免太肤浅。

 

就这样在无聊中，在没有太多的选择中，无意中，我看了《仁心解码》喜欢这部戏，也欣赏男主角方中信。对他，我完全不熟悉，却觉察到他是位资深的演员。就这样，在探索他的背景中，找到《又见一帘幽梦》这戏剧。

 

若我不是超级闷，超级想逃避，我是不会看这部戏剧。

 

一，不是港剧。

 

二，四十六集，太长了。

 

三，浪漫爱情为主题。

 

我万万没想到，起初只为了要消磨时间，逃避现实的荒野，却从戏剧中，浮现许多我从不允许回味的景面。也导致我返想很多埋在心底的心思和感慨以及毕生的遗憾。这个星期里，我似乎重返自己人生的弯曲路途。

 

是的，心好疼痛。

 

从这戏剧，我也了解到琼瑶构作的心思。 

 

在这部戏剧中，我只对三个角色有感言，汪展鹏，费云帆，汪紫菱，。

 

至于汪绿萍和楚濂，我对这两个角色的观点不认同。

 

车祸失腿实在是悲剧，尤其绿萍是位突出的舞蹈员。 但，结婚必定考虑到所爱的人的幸福。在自己未能确定是否会是个负担，实在不应该拖累他人。一个人痛苦，好过两个人都痛苦。绿萍不应该接受楚濂在当时的情况的求婚。是怜悯或自责，或真爱，谁能搞清楚？

我虽然很同情她的处境，尤其是当她发觉楚濂跟紫菱的事实的那杀那，可是，我不能接受报复的心态。在我掉进人生的无底谷中的那段时间，我从未想过报复。所以，我对这角色不可认同。

 

楚濂的不是更多。变心，我是可以接受的。感情本来就不可理解的。

但，拖泥带水，毫无为别人着想，始终只为自己的“情”作为出发点，我完全不欣赏。驾车不集中精神，导致悲剧。悲剧发生后，以求婚来弥补过失，简直是侮辱爱的意义。所谓的牺牲，又没全心的付出，没了断思念，连续的错都因他缺乏方针，原则而引起的。所以我对这角色反感。

 

汪展鹏

 

是，他让我想起爸爸。感情丰富，是个懂得爱的人。但，爸没象他那么干脆。

 

有些人对第三者的存在很抱怨。 其实，情尽时，是很难持续感情的。

因为我生长在个不寻凡的家庭，从小看到感情的纠纷，了解到感情的景面，需从不同的角度观看，很多时候，是对是错，旁人很难判断的。

 

在感情上，爸是有点象汪展鹏。 最象他的是，他对女儿的了解和爱护。爸有我这个幼女时，他已五十岁了。后来经济景气不佳，生意渐渐下垂，最终失败，在我十一岁那年跌入困境。家里的气氛是深沉的。但，我都会觉得爸是爱我的。这是我童年唯一美好的回忆。

 

几年后，在纸不能包火的情况下，危机也出现了。其实，他已包了将近二十年了。爸被迫逼作选择，当时最困扰的，最痛若的一定是爸，但我想没人能了解到。包括我。爸选择了我们。但，是个没有名分的选择。

 

妈在意吗? 我想她是在意的。我在意吗？我不知道。我总觉得爸不干脆。所以，我佩服汪展鹏这角色。

 

我从中体会到，在感情上，很难对他人作判决。但，自己却坚持一个原则，宁可自己受伤害，也不愿伤害别人。我有遵守对自己立的原则，也许也带给自己无限的遗憾。

 

我也有过第三者的经历。我从不做第三者。遇到了，我退让。很潇洒的退让。何必为难他，逼他做选择？之后，我虽知道，他是在乎我的，但，我还是很潇洒的退出。家里的感情纠纷让我对一切失去信心。因为我不会争取，所以失，也是必然的。起码，我没对任何人造伤害。伤也只伤自己。

几年后，处在很痛苦的情景中，绝望中，做不该做的事，在医院过了七天。在这期间，爸是唯一来探望我的亲人，天天来。妈对我只有讽刺的怨言。其实，爸跟我也无话可谈了。当时他已七十来岁了。我能说什么？我说不出。一句话也说不出。太内向了。内心的话说不出。

可能爸觉得悲剧是他造成的后果。我一生的不快乐是童年发生很多事导致的。爸追求爱情，其实没收获的爱情，无形中，导致很多伤害。我真的不应该存在的，那我就不会承受这么多的心疼。

但，象汪展鹏，爸了解女儿的悲痛。这，我体会到，感受到。爸是爱我的。也应该是，在这世上，唯一无私爱我的人。若不是爸已年老无助了，遇到我生平中最大的危机，他一定会保护我。可是，我没对他诉苦，不忍心让他和妈知道，因为我想他比我更痛苦。

我从小看到爸承受的痛，也跟他学会了，默默的忍。是我判断人的错误。我也习惯了单独面对危机。

看到汪展鹏爱护女儿的心，就看到爸。

 

费云帆

费云帆和紫菱的故事，让我联想起两个费云帆似的影子。

一个是比费云帆更会爱的费云帆 - 爸。他就是个典型的费云帆。身为紫菱的位置，妈应该是很幸福的。可惜她不这么觉得。

另一个，是在层面象费云帆的人，但，其实是个爱自己的费云帆。身为紫菱的位置的她，会幸福吗？这个“费云帆”，我免写了。

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在感情上，看到费云帆，我看到爸。我觉得爸比费云帆的爱更伟大。

 

我看到很多对这部戏剧的评论，说费云帆这样的人物是不可能存在的。英俊，潇洒，富有，有见识，高智能，善解人意，体贴，温柔，有内涵，因为年纪的差别，更懂得爱，更处处包容所爱的人，是不可能存在的。

其实是有的。但这是相当不平凡的爱。不是平凡人能拥有的。

 

在戏剧中，费云帆的浪漫太过神话了。也只有经济超凡的人才可这样充裕的造这么多如诗如画的梦景，让紫菱忘记她的忧愁。

我佩服琼瑶。她是个懂得爱的作家，懂得焦脆心灵的渴望。她编造的费云帆，是心灵脆弱无堪所需的城堡。

 

这故事的美满结局，最终是处在紫菱了解以及感受到云帆对他的付出，爱护，真正的爱。爱一个年龄比你大将近一倍的伴，不是件容易的事。旁人以为这不难。实际上是难的。故事里的费云帆是幸福的。他终于听到那宝贵的三个字。他的付出是值得。

 

爸应该不会象戏剧那么浪漫，但，他有情有义，尽情的为爱付出，对妈无微不至，同情，爱护，百般的迁就。不但照顾妈，也用心良苦的护养她三个孩子。妈的忧郁症导致家里的每个成员陷入悲剧，爸一个人默然的承担，尽量的包容。妈是幸福的。可惜，她并不觉得。

 

感激是爱吗？我不知道。

 

爸没费云帆幸运。我知道，妈始终没爱爸。爸过的晚年是很可悲的。我想，妈若不是看到我的困扰，因我不愿让爸长期住疗养院，所以日夜的教书，补习来补充家用，聘请女佣，而我从来没有半句怨言，终于感动了她，所以她最终肯照顾半身不随的爸。因她知道，我也会同样的照顾她。

毕竟她做到了。九年。但，不是爱的奉献。是为了义务。

可能在爸不在后，她才领悟到。她说，爸给她最美好的礼物，就是姐和我。

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哥说爸曾对他说过，他后悔。我听了，好难过。我觉得对爸的亏欠太多了。

 

他临终的前几天，我进他房间，握着他的手，说一声：谢谢，爸。

当时，他已八十八岁了。但头脑一直清醒。因中风的缘故，他很难咬字说话，所以我们已好几年不谈话。当时，我处在很深很深的陷阱，极度的悲痛，又何能给于安慰？

我为别人的付出，大局的付出，牺牲爸了。值得吗？一句话。不值得。

 

当时，爸望着我，说出，为什么谢？

 

我答到，因为，你是我爸。

 

爸看着我，也没说什么了。这几句就是我们最后的谈话。

 

十三年了。我依旧感受到当时的心碎。

 

十三年了。我终于能把这一幕，这番话，写下来了。

 

其余感言，我想改天再写吧。。。。这部戏剧给我太多的感触和伤感。。。

 

december 2012

its been some time since i last posted. it isnt that i hadnt written or posted. a few were kept as drafts. one or two were taken down after posting.

this is the first time in my life that i have no 'work' worries to occupy my mind. and no one to look after. i knew after mum was gone that i had to face this period. of nothingness ahead. i held on to work for as long as i could. i knew it was a risk to let go what was stable. but i also know i need to face myself. and better sooner than later.... there are many unfaced issues within myself.

when u have no motivation,nothing ahead...it is not easy. 

especially because, that which had driven me all my life, no longer holds, mum, teaching, and ........

Rudyard Kipling's 'If' has this:

"If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:"
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;"

i never gambled. but i never held back all i had for anything i did. there was a period, from the start to the end, it had cost me twenty years. how do i connect back?  that was what rv had stood for.

well, at least i never had bitterness. sadness yes. but not bitterness.

that i think is really a blessing. because i remember always the suffering of the Lord. religious platitudes are meaningless if it is not within you.

================================

i dont like to take photographs. partly because i dislike looking at myself. even in the mirror. but mainly because i hated 'memories'. actually it was the kids that had made me 'love life' to some extent.

i also am very good at sealing things well in my mind. i can block out long periods and not look at it. whether thats good or bad, i dont know. alot of things has no closure. decisions are not closure.

i loved reading as a kid.  i read hundreds of books from 10-15. I stopped when things got too bad at home, and there is no space left for this luxury. in the books, i have my escapism. just like tv shows. i weaved plenty of dreams from the stories i read, and from shows that i liked. the dreams i had woven were always to do with a sense of mission. never about material or success. and of course always having people who care together. i realised i had wanted to live those dreams. but i have ceased. a long time ago.

for the past weeks,  time drifted by.... slipping past through passive indulgences, seemingly mindless, yet not quite.

in the seeming passivity, observing lives depicted in the stories of fictional characters.......issues, deep issues sealed.... some over decades surfaced in the mind..... first vaguely familiar. then clearly......

 ......there were so many parallel scenarios....i had to pause and face them.........sufficient time has passed for me to turn round and faced them....perhaps it was a lack of courage for me to face them before.... but i had sealed them so tightly.... i didnt expect them to surface....

i never forgot mum's last days. the names she called out in her semi consciousness were not names we knew. i learnt from that ~  u can suppressed all u like. but they are still there.

in facing them, u know who mattered, who didnt. why they mattered, and why they didnt. in some ways,

it is like reliving the pain. but this perhaps, facing it could be the healing process.

=============================

actually among the things that surfaced, is dad. i had always wanted to write about dad. more than mum.

because i think in my life, the only one that loved me in my family from my birth, was dad.

he was the only one whose love i never needed to earn. he loved me for all that i was, unloveable.

i remembered in hanoi, when i went into the girls' room to get something, one of them asked me, ms c, why are u not married. i remembered being taken aback by the question. it was a sincere question, not a probing question. and the answer that i gave them also took me by surprise. i said, i was looking for someone that i never found,  someone like dad.

dad loved unconditionally. that is true love.  but he made too many mistakes.  it was very very sad. thanks to the 'system of religion' that bounded me, i could do so little for him. and it remained the deepest regret of my life. for years after his death, i would get recurring nightmares, of seeing him in pain and i couldnt help him. with mum, i had that nightmare too, but less. i have always put mum before dad. but it was dad that loved me.

childhood was so painful. tragic. which in turn affected life.

visited j2 last week to see R after her op. j2 asked me why i still kept up cny eve lunch given the way things are. i guess no one understood why i still did it. not that anyone really cared, or even thankful someone still made effort to keep some semblance of family ties.

i replied, that would be what mum wanted. mum followed dad because of her children.And dad loved mum and brought up her children as his own, and did everything for them. For what he did, for what mum wanted, for their sakes, for semblance of 亲情, i kept ties.

the question remained in my mind. should i be in need, which of these ties can i call? everyone always said i am so independent ans strong. the irony is,  if i wasnt, who can i depend? if i couldnt depend on any when i was a kid, can i depend on any at all? if mum and dad couldnt depend on any of them, could i?

yes, its when u are alone, that u think, what is family? for all i have given, well, i guess, i knew all along.

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 for this moment,  i have alot to be thankful. despite my shutting myself in, there had been people, friends who cared. i also know there are a few who genuine want to help and it is i that had kept them at bay. kuech and cl had been worried at my silence. they hadnt been able to get me out. i dont know what to say because these are friends of 4 decades old. i couldnt hide. so i chose not to meet them. i finally agreed to meet kuech for a concert this week.

i just need time. to face what i need to face, that i didnt since ten years ago, and since mum left. work had been a very good detractor. but now no longer.
 
so yes, i will walk through the tunnel....it is still some distance to the end.....i think i will come through.....

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in another 2 weeks or so, this blog would have reach  4 years. this started because i needed a place to write. the years with the kids were the warmest part of my life. with them, i didnt mind taking photos. they brought to life a part of me. ..at least some lovely memories.

in my very first post of this blog, i wrote, perhaps someday i will write a book. and the book would be on papa. i probably wouldnt. because it would be too painful.

whether writing will ease the pain remains to be seen....at least it is my one faithful companion, in my aloneness.

at least, in writing, i can be me.