More steps

The last two months have been a kind of strange passage, a delayed passage, but one that I really needed to traverse. Honestly, i despaired.  i had felt that i have no more strength to care about anyone, nor felt it mattered at all to anyone. I suppose I had put all my heart for the kids over these years, and without them, without school, nothing mattered anymore. My life seems a blank. Or so it seems.

 I know, I have avoided facing this for far too long. Sometimes, people fill up their schedule so tightly so as not to face emptiness. I do that. I know. I was a known workaholic all my life.

So, i knew it was a plunge to no plans. Without structure, without routine, without support. I knew it would be a time of painful inner afflictions....

And..... I think, through the tumult....I am beginning to see a glimmer.... the end of the tunnel is near, i hope.

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I started abit of cooking for myself. For some reason, kuech has been bugging me about this.

Last year, becos of the kids, i cooked a couple of times. And I was happy. But when they were gone, there was no reason to cook anymore. Most of my meals were bread, bananas, cornflakes, maggi mee....

For everyting i do, there had to be a meaning to it. But somehow, the meaning had been lost. It has really been a maze.,,and i wasnt sure how i was going to grope my way out.

I am thankful to kuech. I knew her from 7 years old, my primary one classmate, all the way to uni. But we werent close friends. Good friends. Not that we kept in touch for decades. And in recent years, when we met up accidentally, she had been the one communing. I take initiative only at work and with students. But not in maintaining friendships...

I am grateful that despite the countless times that i turned down meeting etc, she had persevered. The conversation over dinner before the concert a couple of weeks ago helped me more than she realised. Though it was not long and somewhat casual, it was a rare conversation that reflects maturity of mind in issues. I do listen. And ponder.

I have also finally make a start to clear the mess that had accumulated over the last 2 years since i moved in, as well as the things that had not been unpacked. It will take time, but i have made more than one first step....

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i do observe the ways of the wind, the sway of the leaves; i do hear the quietude of kindness and warmth; and solace and comfort does trickle in.

Over these weeks, j2 has been sweet. And i have taken on to teaching t1, the first six year old kiddo that ever took on to me.

blss boys finished their ntu exams, and gathered here with a hotpot session. They also managed to get me out the next day.  They are 22 now, and it has been gratifying that over the last 6 years, the bond has been kept. I graciously accept the help they want to render. It is hard to be on the receiving end, and it is a battle to be gracious.

Also met up with AT  and G, both very bright girls, with their respective contemplations over life. AT's path is yet to be seen, whilst G will be in her fourth year in medic. It should be the ninth year of knowing G. Every year, when she returned from Australia, she will look me up. And each year, I see the transformation in her, and our conversations took on different levels, from her medical training, to relationships, and for the first time, she asked me about my christian faith. She noted that unlike others, I did not interlinked my faith in my conversations, but she knew it mattered to me.

I said to her, I may not speak oft about faith, but my christian faith is my life. It is the only reason why I am still living.
G is an excellent listener. I know she really hears. She wanted to know. I hope the sharing would be of help to her.

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Oneself is often one's greatest enemy and obstacle. Knowing it however doesnt mean one can overcome. .

It also doesnt help to be acutely perceptive. There is no point explaining perception. I have reasons to be distrustful.

One has to look beyond, and above.

Starting to cook is good.  I finally replaced the oven that wasnt working since I moved in. I should start to bake also. I hadnt baked for over 3 years....since mum got very ill.

Though it has been a slow process, a steep climb, I take heart that each day, the glimmer seems brigher within....i wont rush for the light...i have learnt it is the steady and sure walk that counts....

And though strength does diminish alot with age, the heart is somewhat stronger to move forward..... for a long, long, long time, i had not felt thus....and this time, i felt, i could faced what i couldnt before....

and for the first time for a very very very long time, i felt i am living, not just existing.....

I must bake. There are good friends that had stood by me the last few years. If I can, I want to bake for them.

I will continue to take more steps....i must.

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Brownee hasnt been well....blood in pee, bladder inflammation.... saw the vet today. She is now calm...like me...

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Many thanks to dear friends, ex colleagues, ex students....each with their little touches made me feel i am indeed blessed with invaluable riches.

Above all, to the ever merciful Lord, who can be touch with the feelings of our infirmities, the Shepherd and Bishop of my soul.

May the record of the soul journeys encourage weary souls someday ahead....