Languages

Why i write in English. Why I write in Chinese.

I grew up in a dialect speaking environment. But i detest my own dialect. And honestly, whilst I think it is important to be bilingual, the way bilingualism is propagated in the education system is a failure. Because the objective was for 'economic' purpose. Not for the love of language and culture. And that is fundamentally incorrect.

What bilingualism did for me was probably to make the books in the languages accessible to me. But it did little to build my love for the languages.

I grew up reading English. Endlessly. Any book I can lay hold on, I read. And I understood what I read. Dont ask me how I laid hold on Wuthering Heights at eleven. I cant remember. But i did. Probably from the school library. I not only read it,( there was no abridged version in the 60s/70s), I understood it, and understood the anguish of Heathcliff in particular.

I read most of the classics by 14. So English should be the language of my heart. But it is not.

Perhaps it was because I grew up in the environment of rediffusion with chinese programs, chinese songs, and chinese shows. But what is strange is, none of my siblings from exactly the same environment, who read much less than me, took on to chinese. All, everyone, when they could break out and have their own lives, all took to the English environment route in their choice of books, magazines, songs, shows.

Ironically, i was the only one that loved English Literature as a subject, a subject that I never failed to score distinction throughout my school life, together with Chinese. Ironically I was the only one that pursued the academic route and later had a specialised diploma in teaching English.

But I love the chinese language. Its deep, poetic, melancholic, and subtle.

If I was to use home environment as the reason for my inclination to chinese, it really doesnt make sense. Dad loved chinese. But we conversed only in English. Dad's chinese was superb. I am not a fraction his level. At his time, which is in the 1940s, he went to Shanghai to attend the University, but never completed because of appendicitis. He had said he was one of the scouts at Sun Yat Sen's funeral. I wished I knew more about dad.

So, my love for chinese is unaccountable. If hereditary, then it must be from dad. He was a lover of language, culture and books. The only person I would credit my foundation in chinese was a tutor who taught me for more than a year when i was eleven . She knew my capacity was above average, and she cut out many newspaper articles for me to read. Actually that wasnt sufficient either. When home finance got really bad, i asked to stop tuition. I was twelve then.  Had my vocabulary in chinese been better and grasp of chinese culture and history deeper, I think, i would totally express in chinese and probably took the literary route. But, my command of the language was very much constrained by my severe lackings.

English is a language of the intellect to me. I love the cogency, and using it as a tool of analysis and thought. I write with ease with it, and think most of the time in the language. But, I sometimes find it too wordy. In communication verbally, it is English.

Do I think in chinese? Actually, yes.... to me, chinese is a language of the affective. It expressed my soul and my inner thoughts. There is an economy in words that can expressed so much depths.

Mathematics is a language in its own right. It is a language of reasoning. Absolute economy of words. Abstract. Cold. But precise. Mathematics became the tool of communication between me and the kids. By it, I convey learning philosophy. And i enjoy that. I think I owe alot to Mathematics that provided the counter balance to my dreamy soul.

Its strange when I was asked what were my favourite subjects. They are English Literature, Chinese, Mathematics and Economics. They are the languages of the mind, heart and intellect and application.

I have no answer for why the languages mean the way they do to me. They are the vehicles that are windows that i open to the outer world. With the end of teaching (at least for this present time), there is little use of Mathematics as a language, though it remains an exercise of the mind to me.

And for this present moment, the language that i find myself immersed in is chinese....its a dwelling in my own world...

 I like 散文。It would be nice to have a collection of them....