wordlessness

Had tried to write a few times. In many ways, there have been alot  of thoughts to pen, a continual flow of reflections....
 
Yet in some ways...wordlessness encapsulates all words...
 
In 12 hours time, a phase would have ended. the cost to me, is far more than any would know. And to this moment, i would still say the same...no regrets...when i see the kids...78 of them....worthwhile. .... every word of thanks, every note, letter at this moment mean alot to me....and is immense consolation.
 
Would it be a momentary impact, or a more lasting mark, no one will know.  in my ideal mind, i really wish, the effect would span a long long time...at least for one or two....

I only know i genuinely imparted a part of my life in these ten months.... the thoughts that went behind each preparation with seeing each kid in my mind.... no one will understand what i mean....unless he/she knows what it is to teach with the heart. One may teach a class...but each face, each individual, each child tells a story....

Teaching is an art. Just as one may watch a show, read a book, hear a song, view a work of art, one see it in ' wholeness', and rarely do one consider the process that bring each to the 'wholeness'. Behind every gesture acted, every word crafted, every note composed, played, sung, every stroke of the brush, to the truly feeling performer, writer, musician, artist a part of their lives went into it, understood only to themselves.

Teaching is an art. One stepped into a class, the faces in front of you, you forget who you are...art takes over..the content that is a part of you to be conveyed... hoping that it would kindle them to see the elegance of the knowledge; you see the unseen mind, heart, spirit to be nurtured, not in singular lessons, but crafting over the passage of time; , the imprint gradually takes a more definite shape....and you have to watch, wait, consider, craft....and sometimes, oftentimes, one do not get to see the effects.....but one continue to hope...

Teaching is an art....an art of the heart....who understand what i mean?

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What lies ahead with the end of this phase is no crossroad ~ more like a wasteland stretching ahead.......... maybe not so endlessly.....in life's uncertain passage.

Unfulfilled aspirations are perhaps one of the hardest to bear....almost like unrequited love...and age does not mitigate it. In fact, it is far more poignant. 

There was a point in time in the past few years.......... i almost see the possibility in the horizon...considering the wastedness of most part of the strength of my days.......and it took me so long for me to have a depth of understanding of what lies within...at that time, i was really so grateful that at such a late stage of my life, a fulfilment in part may be possible....

It gave one some purpose, and i worked hard, very very hard,......... and really hope for some more certain fruition of the gift in oneself ....however little the gift, it was still a gift.....and one can sow for others to reap....

But thorns and biers obscured the path, and untold conflicts....finally, i chose to abandon the path....  
 
Few people can press on without motivation, much less without encouragement. some are motivated by fame, some worked for power, some for recognition, some for wealth, some just have the drive in their belief in themselves to find a place for themselves. Yet for others, their sense of self-survival reign supreme.
 
I lacked all the above motivations. And I am glad I dont have them. I have no finishing power also. Truly, a chain is as strong as its weakest link.

It is however, not easy to know a latent potential remain in an inchoate form. Time is no longer on my side. i looked at the wasteland ahead, and am wordless.

dont ask me what i will do next. its not what i do next that matters.......

it is what is within.... somehow its like back to a wilderness.....finding a path till the end of a journey.....

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wordlessness encapsulates all words.....