End September 2012

this serves more as a record than a reflection.

it has not been an easy month. not because of events that happened.

i should have anticipated, but i didnt.....the floodgates crashed at the end of the last assignment...i put in alot of heart and effort in that.....without any reserve energy, the inner defence collapsed at the slightest pressure......

....bewildered, the floods swept one into deep crests of rough waves.....

past, present, future, mingled in futility....and one looked around, but there was none to hold on to....

the advantage of experience is, one knows one cant fight against turbulence. at such time, its best to keep still and wait for the storm to pass.

And silence and aloneness is best.  

will there be a closure to the past?

i have no answer.
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and whatever the storm, the present still goes on....

and of the present...

well, one sees....

the gross misalignment in expectations and reality;
the stark contrast of words and actions;
the clear polarity between callousness and sincerity. 

And one learns. That time is a needed factor to know another. 日久见人心 is true.Very true.

there are many many ways one can react. at the receiving end,one cant help the weighing down of  spirit and deep sadness. How one choose to respond depends on what standards one set for oneself,  known or unknown to others. Ultimately, we live with our own conscience. 

Whether one lives by one's conscience, is totally another matter. Words are cheap. Very cheap. I have known that all my life.

i choose to keep by my word. and i choose to believe in what i believe. i did waver. i did weigh the cost, even at midstream. especially over the past weeks.....and i decide to choose to place this last lap as my first priority.

its a choice. a deliberated, and deliberate choice. i will need the stamina, strength and focus to do so. its probably going to be one of the toughest challenge, but until one gives fully, one cant tell the outcome. i am a firm believer that foundation is critical, and over the year, the ploughing had been done. One reaps what one sows. Hard work will never fail. yes, i still believe in this. 

Whatever my hopes and expectations, outcome is a reality that one has to see. And which others only see and want to see. Outcomes. Not the process. I would wish for positive outcome. But more than that, what i value is the process, and that which has been kindled within, not seen.

it is going to be very costly to me. the impact of this intensity will hit me very hard at the end. just as it hit me in august. i suppose, at least, this time, i realised where the weak link is, and can brace myself for it. hopefully, the floodgates will hold up better at end oct.  

honestly, i will miss the kids. very very much. it has been literally a day and night effort. i hope, really hope,  it will make a difference to some of them. that this year will be a justified year.

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thankfully, dissertation has taken a positive start. i regret that i have not the time to work at it as i should,  but i hope somehow, somehow, i will pick up momentum. Once i fulfil my responsibility to the kids which was what i had set my heart to do for this year, it will take immense effort to complete it in 3 months. the odds are not with me, but well....we will see....

and after that.... i dont know....wait and see.

and yes, friday nite, managed to get to airport in time to see gerlynn off....seriously, almost half that batch of kids were there....it was nice to see them....buti have to admit, i felt desolate and estranged within. the gulf will widen with time....both ways.....

thus ends september 2012....a pensive mood....