meanderings....

have symptoms of frozen shoulder with stiff neck...limited movement...

Me: what do you do if you have  a frozen shoulder?
Nephew: Defreeze it.

Sigh
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allowing myself some space to meander .......not that i have worked hard on my assignment....could always work harder....at least there is some relief in that the structure is up...and some bits and pieces are falling into place...i just dont want to get into a panic state....not worth it....

i chose a terrain that i had not had much exposure...and though i can just ride it through a beaten path, i chose to walk through the maze....so my wanderings led me to Greek philosophers...then to argumentation and debate; logic and fallacy; dialetics and rhetorics;  pervasiveness of uncertainty and the power of certainty; critical thinking and critical decision-making....

i guess for but barely 10% of the write-up, i was really straying off... it is a little senseless....but then that is me....i am not meticulous, but i like to be thorough...when i write a chapter of notes, i ploughed through texts after texts, and as far as possible, from different countries, from different sources and tried to understand the flow of the mind and concepts.....whether anyone sees it is not material.... i need to get through my own mind, my own queries....before i can attain that equilibrium, to transfer that knowledge....

some years ago, someone told me a story that when he was in sec 2, he wanted to ensure he got into the best class in the streaming, and since humanites was not his strong subject,  to be sure he would score, he learnt by heart about 30+ model history essays that his teacher said the exam questions would be based on. And so he did very well. I supposed relating the story showed his determination or ability, i dont know. He was evidently proud of his effort, though  I thought that was weird,  but well, to each his own.

I recalled my sec 2 days, first of all, i guess i was never that desperate, there was streaming also, but, i guess i took it for granted that i would be fine. At that time, there were only 2-3 libraries in Singapore, and thankfully my school was situated very near to the National Library (which they tore down). I would go there , and look up the reference books to find out more about the historical characters mentioned in the history books, and discovered alot of discrepancies. I couldnt understand then, that well, text books were written based on whatever facts they want us to know. I would ask my teacher who was quite vague, so in the end, I didnt ask anymore. Of course, it was much much later, that i realised most students wont do what i was doing at that age...for no reason....o well....

Looking back, i am thankful that my teachers were totally against model essays, and disallowed us to make reference to them. This way, we arrive at our views and style independently. We were not taught...no remedials, no enrichment, and definitely no internet, hardly any photocopy either....we jsut read (if we can find the books) and think through....grades were subsidiary to independence of thought. This is especially so for Literature. Plagiarism is never a temptation. Surely, we want to be unique in our response

 so now, it reminds me alot of my school days...i really enjoy learning my way.....and now i am doing the same.....whilst it is really arduous to look up one reading after another, and pondering over the views of the writers, it does give one immense satisfaction, alot of room for reflection and  a sense of the spirit of inquiry, so absent in our day.....

 if only.... the deadline does not loom like a noose....

i have this feeling that in the end, it would be a scramble, just like all my final submitted work, a shade of what it could have been....sigh...the mark of the underachiever...almost there....if only.....that was what my lecturer said to me in her feedback for my last assignment....I would have given you an A if only....

the ironic part was the part she 'faulted' was sanctioned in a conference with her....o well, whatever....getting 'A' is the cherry....but i am still an advocate that the process, the journey is what learning truly is.... still, it would have been nice...sigh....

4 more days....but i have noticed my mind no longer worked at the same rate....i like to think it has however attained deeper depths and greater clarity....

whilst i do really enjoy reading and learning, i must say, i am thankful with the submission of this assignment this friday, it is the completion of all my coursework. Doing all 8 within 3 semesters have been a feat....and hopefully the dissertation within the next 6 months. ..

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home-wise, i do feel for sk and bil....having someone dear to you with a known terminal illness is like a death sentence....but through this, it has strengthen bonds....i am not part of the family there....i can only support at the periphery....it will be very trying.....for how long....as long as the young lady  is given as many days to be with her loved ones....with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, its painful....its going to be hard journey from here....

in a way the maid taking home leave at this period is good....i get to help them abit more.....i am determined to put more family time.....whilst i really dont belong....truthfully, i dont belong anywhere....but sk is my closest kin...and in her way, she loves me, as i do her.

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as to whatever i undertake thereafter, it is to do what good in the remaining life's journey... for meaningfulness.....

it is a leaving behind...and a looking forward, to seek for that better country, that better hope,

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelations 21:4

Yes, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.
For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country"         Hebrews 11: 1, 13-14