Pause...

its ironic that one learns to pause, often because the body sent out warning signals...

actually, i have noted that i have been short-tempered over the past weeks.  The kids also noted the change...and i feel bad to be like that.... It not pushing myself that is the issue. Its having to push others...and for some, the force to break the inertia is immense....

A couple of days ago, one kid said in class, ms c, why are u so angry? That was when i had to pull my hand brake and come to a halt. As it is, i am using my reserve energy. And there are a few amber beeping signs healthwise. The kid who said that meant well. Actually she is one of those who  are on task, and also considerate. She actually got me some food, knowing there was no food in school on saturdays. Her words caused me to pause inwardly...

i have always made it a point to be positive and cheerful in class. This way, it helps to make learning pleasant. But that is assuming there is a spirit of learning. Not all is on the same page. But all must be on the same page. My motivation has never been outward pressure. In fact, i am quite certain, with the present form, the results from this batch would be better than the previous year, and target set would be met. But that is not the point to me.

I see every child as an individual. When someone say they dont understand, there can be a few reasons. i have to admit i am frustrated because i can understand why the few didnt understand. I would have like to do a lesson more pedgagogically suited to the learning needs of these few. But, i dont have the time. As it is, i have to re-teach practically every topic. But more frustrating than that, is that, they dont help themselves. Not even to take up a pen/pencil to copy.
And my patience is running out. Actually it has run out. Prelims is in two weeks time.

But i dont like to be like that. That is what i have resisted for a long time. I remembered many years ago, whenever i got so agitated with the kids, especially when the critical stage was coming up, and they were not ready, I would keep telling myself, its only maths. Dont get so worked up. This is not teaching. This is not learning.

Actually even when i scold the kids, i do listen to their words. And really wished i could do better. if i had the time. Part of the problem is myself. Probably alot of the problem is myself. I dont want to let any go, if i can help it, and i set a pace too fast even for myself. My physical energy could never keep up with the mental drive within.  And the tendency to focus on the imperfections....

I took a few steps backs, and do a review. Actually, more than 90% are making progress, and in fact for some, the progress has been very marked and stable. And most of them, have been receptive to advice. But the determination, organisation, and retention is lacking....There is less than a handful whose attitude is really repulsive, and i must ignore this handful. Thankfully, at this point, the negative influence is no longer pervasive. I should stop reacting, wishing for a change that they do not want nor even think they need.

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Listening is a skill that everyone should cultivate. Reading, seeing,hearing, listening are the receptiive aperture to the soul. One may hear. But not listen. We may react to what we hear. But not reflect upon what we heard.

Listening has an impact within. Listening needs to be cultivated. And the more you listen, the more you will hear and listen.

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And in any case, at this moment, i have no choice. i have to slow down. The pace has been too punishing, and the body system is protesting...its going to take time to get back the balance ..

yes, one must pause, take a deep breath, and slow down.... for the next few weeks....

 ....and the race will be on from sept again....but hopefully by then, we will be running at the same pace....