2 July

I know now its past 2 July, but only just finished the second part of the coding  project.... deadline was last friday actually...so need to complete that first.....
it was an unusual day, though i had not expected it to be so....

i knew that i am going to struggle with the coding, made worse by the headache (besieged by migraine the last few days, sigh!).....but when sk asked to accompany her to get stationery, i obliged. First of all, i really respect and admire her spirit and dedication to her new job, which is really a semi voluntary basis...but she really love the special kids she is taking care of...really very admirable. And since it is one of the few days both of us are able to go out, I told myself, put her first.  

It turned out to be one of the very rare heart to heart talk we have..... over mum's last days. I didnt realised she felt guilty after more than 2 years......that we had sent mum back to hospital, and that day turned out to be her second last day... yes, i did remember that day 7 Feb well...and the event then, I was thankful that i could let the words flow in this blog...

Was it a rite decision? True, that was not what i wanted then.....but i fully understand why they thought it best to send her back to Mt E. I didnt remember B2 asking her if its because she didnt want mum to die at her place. But I am very certain that, that was NEVER the issue. Hurting question. Actually a cruel question.

Even if it was true, so? Who did most for mum? Not people who asked piercing questions. Its people who have been constant over years when others can always 'so reasonably' excused themselves for long stretches of absence. sk had always wanted to have mum with her, but mum chose to stay at rv....prob because of me. But finally, mum went to sk, and in having mum there at the final phase, she knew what was in stall, and she spared no effort. 

There is no question that we wanted the best for mum. What is best, who knows? But by that time, sk was at cracking point, the strain was too much for her. And bil also said that every moment in the nite, they worry whether they could give mum the help when she needed, and would hospital be the better place to help her. The intent was definitely good. The conflict is because no one knows what is the best decision, and everyone would feel what they think is best. I remembered full well what i felt then, but made the final decision in consideration for the welfare of all. Ironic, that the youngest should made the decision for 4 older siblings.

In a way, we also knew that trip  'shortened' her days, but by how many? And would it had been better? I reminded sk what the head nurse said to us, at mum's passing...that she looked peaceful, which is true, and she had so many of us with her. That she didnt go through the many painful phases, like vomiting of blood...which i had been forewarned may happen. For the first time, I told sk what the doctors had warned me of the various scenarios which i did not tell her....and on hindsight, it was the less painful way for mum...her threshold for suffering and pain is really not high, and her fears many....

 I felt very bad that sk should still be tormented by the circumstances....because mum had told her she was scared, and she didnt want to die....Like i had analysed many many months ago, somehow, we always feel we never did enough for mum....there is a kind of 'child-like' dependence on us...and yet, she had also been quite a forceful character in our lives....and had caused alot of unhappiness that had impacted our lives irreparably....

actually, if we should feel bad, it should be over dad....and to this day, i feel bad....but circumstances at that time didnt allow me to do alot....

the lesson both of us learnt is that we will make it much easier for those who may see us to our end. I told sk, the things that i did to give mum the impression that i would be fine, that i can be independent and carry on with things so that she need not worry about me, which she really believed that, I was somehow attached, and would be fine..... and all that i did to prepare  for the event of eventuality....and how hard it was when it came...not that i could say that much...and not that sk will understand....we are very differente....actually, at some point, it was so hard... too hard to carry on.....

looking back, i really dont know how i walked through that tunnel....the mercies of the Lord....and the kindness and warmth of friends at nushs....thats why nushs will always be special to me....

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when i was stepping out of the house to meet sk, at the gate, balancing on the handle was a small 'pussy' sleeping in a basket, my new 'toy'....with a note 'thank you ms sie'....i couldnt believe it...it was really a very sweet thingy.... yes, i figure out who it came from, and confirmed my guess....

the total unexpectedness, and most of all, the thoughtfulness made this pussy very special to me.....thank you....

and later in the afternoon, the visit of the kids turned out better than i had expected. Its youth day, so they are free, and wanted to drop in, and i hadnt seen this group for some time...., when i see kids, my kids, i only want to see them well, developed to their potential, and be happy...., childhood, teenage years, growing years are the formative years...and i would wish they would be the best they can be, and be as happy as they can be....

yes, each time i see the kids, i realised i do miss them.... may they grow, blossom, and attain to full fruition.....

as one generation walked into the twilight years, we would hope to pass the light on to another generation to live their life well and pass on to yet another generation....

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at the end of each day, this day, i remain thankful  and contented. yes, to live each day with minimum regret, and hopefully, to the benefit of others .... i would wish i could do more....but i think, i did do my best....and would hope to continue to do so, until the end of my pilgrimage.....

i didnt expect the day to turn out this way, and it is good.....at least both of us finally said some of the things we could not bring ourselves to say....

and it is good to see the the new 'pussy' and to see the kids....