2 July

I know now its past 2 July, but only just finished the second part of the coding  project.... deadline was last friday actually...so need to complete that first.....
it was an unusual day, though i had not expected it to be so....

i knew that i am going to struggle with the coding, made worse by the headache (besieged by migraine the last few days, sigh!).....but when sk asked to accompany her to get stationery, i obliged. First of all, i really respect and admire her spirit and dedication to her new job, which is really a semi voluntary basis...but she really love the special kids she is taking care of...really very admirable. And since it is one of the few days both of us are able to go out, I told myself, put her first.  

It turned out to be one of the very rare heart to heart talk we have..... over mum's last days. I didnt realised she felt guilty after more than 2 years......that we had sent mum back to hospital, and that day turned out to be her second last day... yes, i did remember that day 7 Feb well...and the event then, I was thankful that i could let the words flow in this blog...

Was it a rite decision? True, that was not what i wanted then.....but i fully understand why they thought it best to send her back to Mt E. I didnt remember B2 asking her if its because she didnt want mum to die at her place. But I am very certain that, that was NEVER the issue. Hurting question. Actually a cruel question.

Even if it was true, so? Who did most for mum? Not people who asked piercing questions. Its people who have been constant over years when others can always 'so reasonably' excused themselves for long stretches of absence. sk had always wanted to have mum with her, but mum chose to stay at rv....prob because of me. But finally, mum went to sk, and in having mum there at the final phase, she knew what was in stall, and she spared no effort. 

There is no question that we wanted the best for mum. What is best, who knows? But by that time, sk was at cracking point, the strain was too much for her. And bil also said that every moment in the nite, they worry whether they could give mum the help when she needed, and would hospital be the better place to help her. The intent was definitely good. The conflict is because no one knows what is the best decision, and everyone would feel what they think is best. I remembered full well what i felt then, but made the final decision in consideration for the welfare of all. Ironic, that the youngest should made the decision for 4 older siblings.

In a way, we also knew that trip  'shortened' her days, but by how many? And would it had been better? I reminded sk what the head nurse said to us, at mum's passing...that she looked peaceful, which is true, and she had so many of us with her. That she didnt go through the many painful phases, like vomiting of blood...which i had been forewarned may happen. For the first time, I told sk what the doctors had warned me of the various scenarios which i did not tell her....and on hindsight, it was the less painful way for mum...her threshold for suffering and pain is really not high, and her fears many....

 I felt very bad that sk should still be tormented by the circumstances....because mum had told her she was scared, and she didnt want to die....Like i had analysed many many months ago, somehow, we always feel we never did enough for mum....there is a kind of 'child-like' dependence on us...and yet, she had also been quite a forceful character in our lives....and had caused alot of unhappiness that had impacted our lives irreparably....

actually, if we should feel bad, it should be over dad....and to this day, i feel bad....but circumstances at that time didnt allow me to do alot....

the lesson both of us learnt is that we will make it much easier for those who may see us to our end. I told sk, the things that i did to give mum the impression that i would be fine, that i can be independent and carry on with things so that she need not worry about me, which she really believed that, I was somehow attached, and would be fine..... and all that i did to prepare  for the event of eventuality....and how hard it was when it came...not that i could say that much...and not that sk will understand....we are very differente....actually, at some point, it was so hard... too hard to carry on.....

looking back, i really dont know how i walked through that tunnel....the mercies of the Lord....and the kindness and warmth of friends at nushs....thats why nushs will always be special to me....

=============================================
when i was stepping out of the house to meet sk, at the gate, balancing on the handle was a small 'pussy' sleeping in a basket, my new 'toy'....with a note 'thank you ms sie'....i couldnt believe it...it was really a very sweet thingy.... yes, i figure out who it came from, and confirmed my guess....

the total unexpectedness, and most of all, the thoughtfulness made this pussy very special to me.....thank you....

and later in the afternoon, the visit of the kids turned out better than i had expected. Its youth day, so they are free, and wanted to drop in, and i hadnt seen this group for some time...., when i see kids, my kids, i only want to see them well, developed to their potential, and be happy...., childhood, teenage years, growing years are the formative years...and i would wish they would be the best they can be, and be as happy as they can be....

yes, each time i see the kids, i realised i do miss them.... may they grow, blossom, and attain to full fruition.....

as one generation walked into the twilight years, we would hope to pass the light on to another generation to live their life well and pass on to yet another generation....

==========================================
at the end of each day, this day, i remain thankful  and contented. yes, to live each day with minimum regret, and hopefully, to the benefit of others .... i would wish i could do more....but i think, i did do my best....and would hope to continue to do so, until the end of my pilgrimage.....

i didnt expect the day to turn out this way, and it is good.....at least both of us finally said some of the things we could not bring ourselves to say....

and it is good to see the the new 'pussy' and to see the kids....

no time to write....

No time to write....

ironically cos so much to write....deadlines...and deadlines....

==========================

'visited' mum and dad today with sk, bil, zg, zl....

grateful for bil's consideration ...

and i miss dad and mum.... very much....

========================

and i realise

i really miss

nush community....

last week's gathering which stretched 5 hours... the discussions .... exchanges ....

and the various chats/emails/updates on fb with the kids, following their ups and downs in their various applications...

its really one community that somehow there is this affinity and bond... not just a heart thing... also of the mind...

well, at least, i have been part of them....

last day of term and other matters

Personally, I am thankful I remained compose through the day. I dont know if it is because the continual medication has made me numb. Or that I have been so exhausted that I didnt reach that level of sentiments. Or that I am so weather beaten, I got use to goodbyes.

I did not allow myself to think about today at all. I kept my mind focused on one thing: dont upset anyone. I made the decision, I must walk it. I had wanted to tell them alot more especially toward the last few lessons. But I didnt. There was so much to cover and complete. More important to revise for their exams. There should be time. But there wasnt. No time. No energy.

The kids mean more to me than they realise. I can picture and see every single one in my mind's eye. I didnt need photos for remembrance. Throughout the times in class, I captured the way they listened, the way they wrote, the way we interacted in my mind. That was the way I 'took' their photos. I have alot to tell each one of them. I want to tell them to remember their strengths and be positive. I want to tell them to know their weakness and strengthen them. i want to tell them, pick yourself up when you fall. I want to tell them dont hurt people. I want to tell them, work hard, push boundaries, excel. And when you have done so, serve with your heart, not just your mind. I want to tell them, remember those much less than you. I want to tell them about noblesse oblige.

But there wasnt time. I cheerfully bid them goodbye and continually assure them, I am within reach anytime. I also realised at that moment, there was no need for goodbye speech. Not only is it not really appropriate when so many things are going on in school. I realised I have been saying all this in different forms throughout the year. And I realised, it is not that speech of the moment. It is the consistency throughout. I have done that. And so many of them have grown. So, suddenly, I felt all that I want to say, I have said it over the year. Those that would learn, will learn.

The short notes they wrote were enough. The girls were sweet. I hugged them. And I didnt cry. Not outwardly. For those who did, I remember it. Its only that moment. Their sadness will pass. I will be there for them when they need. Actually, I wished I had spent alot more time talking to each of them.

But, I must let go now. They will be fine. They have alot. And they are good kids. At least I dont have to worry about their welfare. For they are in good hands.

I will really miss them. Thankfully, year 6 would be leaving. I am glad to be witnessing their convo.
===================================================

I always like to talk to parents, sharing with them their concerns; hearing about the lives of their kids. Many meaningful conversations.

Being exhausted helped. I hope I wont feel the impact later. I still have not gone through the packing etc. I have to take a deep breath and hang on still.===================================================

i note when each move on from stage to stage, frame of thought changes, as would be expected. But it is strange how people would assume that others would then follow along their change.

I know values need to be taught, but there are some things that should be natural, in the conscience? I believe it is important to look after your loved ones in life. In death, remembrance is constant in the heart. Any other external means of expression, if shown, is accordance to one's regard/belief. What is done in life is the crux. Did you do your part to them in life?

When people reached a certain phase, they know end is nearer, and some made preparations for how the end rites/remains would be arranged. To each their own belief. But why pressed for issues to make arrangements according to what they feel is best for others as well? In life, they did not really know what mum wanted. Why made arrangements for changes to suit themselves? And by changing what mum had explicitly expressed in her will? Who knows best what she had wanted?

I have procrastinated this last matter to attend to since March. I was troubled by 'well-meaning' suggestion and had not been able to be clear what to do. I just felt there was something not quite in order, but yet couldnt explain. At least to them. So I didnt do anything. I did say recently I will settle the matter next week.

Receiving the message today helped me come to a firm decision. Further 'suggestions'.The suggestion sounded logical and noble. But at whose expense? If one really remembers mum, the last one should do, is to suggest alterations. If one really cares to be noble and considerate, then pay the price. No one needs to know.

There is a price to everything. It is just whether one needs to say what is the price. And whether one paid it. And if you really care, nothing is too much to pay.

I had wanted to settle things quietly. Why bring up issues? And if I agree to meeting for discussion, where would it lead?More 'suggestions'? Why should there be a discussion when her wish had been explicitly stated in the will? Using consideration of paying respects to mum and using S1 not so fortuitous circumstance as appeal had made it very difficult. Especially religious matter being involved. But their final suggestion helped me. I replied firmly. I finally knew what to do.

Mum is gone. I will follow her instructions with no add-ons. There is no room for negotiation. I will settle everything next week. The matter is closed. So it will be. But it doesnt mean, I dont mind all these manoevres. I mind. Alot. It hurts. And coming at this time, is not a good time. But, at whatever time, it is not good.

Didnt tell sk. No need for another person to be disturb. sk and me have the same mind. That is my greatest consolation. The instructions were given to me only. Actually, I am proud of the fact that mum's judgement of me was right, despite all our conflicts. I was the 'son' she wanted. She did not place her hopes in her sons. She knew my mind will be clear.

I remembered one of her last words to me, dont cry, it will make your mind confused, and you need to think clearly. I had replied, I didnt cry. Dont worry. I will think clearly. And I still have. I did not fail her. I will follow all that she wished. I didnt and wont let her down. its the least and the only thing I can do.

Leopard does not change its spots. To the end, the same disposition is shown. Those that would learn, will learn. Those that wont, wont. I harbour hopes for the best for people i shouldnt... This is my weakness.

The path is very alone.

But I am used to it.

what causes dreams?

i rarely dream, and really prefer not.

Dreamt of mum twice this week... its always the same recurring dream, taking different forms...she is really unwell, and telling me, hoping i could do something for her... i manage to 'stop' the dream the first time, and told myself firmly, she is no longer here, you cant do anymore. In the dream last nite i brought her over to this new place, and worry that she will miss rv, and was thinking of how to drive her to visit rv and gwc etc..... and the dream went on...always helpless at my end...

i woke at 2+, disturbed. I cant account why the dreams recurred more frequently.... not too long ago, it was of dad...

yes, its crunch time, and it remains to be seen how i am going to juggle through the next 4 weeks, with school, attending lessons, and assignments....its going to be a make or break crunch... but i want to spend time with the kids badly too...

and yes, i havent been in the best of health. But i did not think i was sliding down...

perhaps i am more perturbed by the path ahead than i would acknowledged... yes, i have to admit, i am quite sad... whatever, i need to move on...

i am very sorry abt mum. But i cannot do anymore for her... looking after sk and s1 is the best i can do... i know i must walk out of this abyss...

down post...

honestly i dont feel good... bouts of headaches through the week... culminating in one of those super migraine (i think this is one of those top ten attacks) thru thur nite... still managed to struggle out of bed despite dosing with painkiller...

that is perhaps why i am never too patient with people that are habitually late or oversleep... i had things to see to... i must get it done...

actually i have mellowed down alot... mum was a very tough task master.

But mum was too tough. I rebelled at school. But i always knew most of the time, the authority is right. Again, that is why i am never too patient with 'reasonings' that are actually excuses for lack of self-discipline. A good disciple must take tough and harsh training.... and that is what turns an apprentice to a master of his/her trade. But no one believe in this anymore. Much less the young.

I had high expectations and pushed my kids very hard before. I was really 'fierce' . But i know despite all the luxury and improvement in 'quality' of life, life is actually much harder and 'poorer' for the young generation...i relented over the years.

when i see their fraility, vulnerability; the chase of illusion; pursuit of glory... and the many that cant take criticism; falls; adversities.... i really hope somehow later in life, they will grow up...

character is built by endurance. no other way.

I am so tired, and down, i no longer feel i want to go the extra mile .....why bother....

the only exception are the kids... they are not grown yet... this is their formative years... i hope, really hope they will be a fruitful generation. In many ways, my generation failed... very few leaders are from my generation... leaders are very important... they lead the way, they set the example... they inspire, and motivate others...

i am tired, very very very tired... my head is bashed about and numbed with medication...i only wish in my tiredness, i can also be immuned...

i must try harder to be silent... those who want to learn will do so... those who dont, wont.... silence is golden...

---------------------------------------------------

one of my constant conflicts is actually at heart and mind, i am still as i was, 20 years back?.... but time has cause age to set in... and the gap is there and widening... i have to remember that i am moving on to another realm; the energy level is not the same... and it doesnt feel good at all....

sk always says she is dumb, and in academic aspect, she is not brilliant. but somehow (i dont know how cos i dont talk much), she realises how i feel... when she was young, i was her acting 'older' sister.... now, she and bil treat me as a kiddy sister, the way they fuss...and tho it can be irritating... i appreciated it cos it is what i never had, childhood (thats why i have no affinity with children).... its her way of making up to me, i know....

by the way , for the young (and not so young) to joke about other people being 'old' or making implications of it... is really unkind...

you think you are young and have life, hope, dreams, aspirations, goals...good for you... i am also happy for all of you and want to see you all bloom and succeed....

i also had been young, and also had hopes, dreams, aspirations.... but i had duty... by the time i completed them... alot is gone... and i have to come to terms to it too...

that fleeting pleasure of 'being witty' leaves more hurt than you realise....

I cant understand the callousness, because from a kid, i have always been respectful to those older than me, even if i didnt agree with them (which most of the time, i admit i dont).

--------------------------------------------------------------------

this is a down post... but this is life; there are slopes, there are troughs, there are valleys... but the sky is always there, the sun always rises... i will encourage myself.

when tired...rest... and then sojourn on... i want to push on.... just not to be a burden to others is enough incentive...

5 months and 10 days....

its been 5 months and 10 days without mum... to be more precise 164 days...

this week especially these few days have been quite unrestful... many images at her various stages of unwellness kept coming back... not that i deliberately think and give way to them... but in subconcious dreams and thoughts, they recur these past nites...

again and again, i wished i had done more to ease her sufferings... there is something childlike about her that makes one want to protect her... despite her being street wise, she is vulnearble...

i dont know if it is normal to feel so much pain this long... i can only say at least i have done my duty at work, and more than my duty often... at least i am not a burden to anyone in anyway at any time...at least i keep cheerful and i think kept others cheerful too...

Today ky told me dr kwok is retiring this month. Dr Kwok is our family dentist, and a very very good dentist whom i have seen for more than 30 years. But I did not go to him the past 6 months. Because all the memories of taking mum there will flood back. When i went to the clinic in april when I was unwell, i ended up crying because of the memories (and i dont usually cry...). The doctor gave me a whole load of medicine for depression which i did not take at all. No medicine can take away that terrible gnawing pain. I know it just had to be borne. I didnt tell anyone about the doctor visit. That itself was too painful...and what is too painful, its best not said at all...

I am sorry to lose Dr Kwok.

i guess its all the impending changes...I dont usually discuss plans with mum; our views, concerns, considerations differ, though of late we converged more than diverged. But once I decided, I would inform her, and give her my rationales. Usually by the time I do that, she knows me well enough that I have decided. And when I decide, thats it. Thats me... at least me in the past. And usually she will support, even with reservations. I miss doing that now...

It is strange, really strange how much and how deep a person affects us, is only known when the person is no longer with us. I am not one that takes anyone for granted. I really consider and reflect all the time... and value everyone.... i guess that is also why i am easily hurt... but i wont show...

I had always thought it was dad I was closer to. But I realised it is actually mum... dad was rational... but mum was intuitive... rational communicates to the mind... but intuitiveness touches the inner chord...

why a person affects us more than others is really inexplicable... i can only described it as intuitive...some people somehow affects me too much...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

O for time to mitigate; to ease ; to subdue; to be kind...

and for grace, courage, strength to tide through the tides of change...

i dont ask to do great things... i only wish my life to make a small mark in the lives of a few... and to live meaningfully for others to the end... and at the end, to be with the Lord.

aftermath.....

waves after waves of events .....

leave their marks upon the sand....

Changing tides wash away the prints upon the coast of land...

But those left upon the shores of heart remain...though the heart be rend...

------------------------------------------------------------------

if people realise this, would they be more careful; more caring?

To those who care, they will care; to those that do not care, they wont want to know...

i made a decision that 100th day... its pointless to go on in this manner at the beck and call of "duty" ... honestly i am very very very weary...

there had been moments that i wavered ... but putting all in the balance... i must move on...

since then, i have given even more to make up for the times i will no longer do so...

----------------------------------------------------------------

i hate staying up/ or keeping awake at unearthly hours... it reminds me of alot of things... had to do so throughout this week.... whilst trying to catch up on sleep... that familiar horrible darkness was sinking in...

if i give in, i dont know if i will get out.... i must pace myself to settle mum's things one at a time....its going to be hard...

i realised one should not leave things/ too much things for others to clear... it really is very painful... I will start clearing my place as well... i hope i can take it through these few weeks...

The Lord grant me grace to endure through this.... truly the Lord alone is merciful forever....

pain....

I am falling into a terrible abyss...
Wandering in a convoluted labyrinth...
how to climb out of the steep darkness...
how to find a way out of the maze of despair...

i have gone through many very very very dark tunnel...so dark i didnt think there was a way out... and really wanted to give up... but always held on because of mum... i needed to look after her...and i held on...

i finally got out of the trap after 15 years... it could have been earlier, but i had to consider many things... i am only thankful i did get out... otherwise i wouldnt have been able to see through mum's last lap...

Unbelievably, i came through... and i got back to the vocation i love, that i had to leave then because of the web of circumstance...

i did all that mum wanted, got back to teaching, pick up driving, and drove... there are alot of things that she, and dad too would have wanted me to do... but i didnt do them... i could have... i wish time could turn back...

i rarely regret... but i do now;

i have been fiercely independent and very certain of my views and values. whenever it comes to valuation, friends are always first. i suddenly realise my valuation has not been as it should have been...

sk and bil have been very sweet,and took me out yesterday and this afternoon to j2's place...we went to the graveyard yesterday to check all is ok for this tues... it was really painful to see the tombstone...mum is really gone, lying below the tombstone....i knew sk teared... again i was stoned...i dont know how to cry when people are around...

i wished she had known we didnt cremate her, that we erected a tombstone she would have liked. She was scared of fire, and tho she said cremate, we knew she was scared. We couldnt do it...

The pain within is searing...and the walls are collapsing... i dont know how long more i can hold out...suddenly, i am scared i will lose sk... it has always been her saying that she wont know how to go on without me...suddenly, suddenly...i need her... realised i dont have anyone that really cared and loved me....sk does... i know... she felt bad abt our childhood... and she really love me as a sister...

Must rush out work so that i wont hold up anyone if the walls collapsed...

New Year 2010

Must confess didnt feel very much about 'new year' this year....usually before the end of the year, i do take pains to clear up mess at home; clear bills, claims....look at diary, and best of all, calendars....my favourite...swiping up cats/kitties calendars.....

LS bought me a hanging one and a daily desk daily one....i did hang it up yesterday....but didnt do anything much otherwise. I actually attended end of year mtg without remembering to bring in the new diary to record....the first time i can remember that i forgot cos i usually get quite excited about using new diaries.

still, it wasnt altogether in the doldrums....or a sense of helplessness or foreboding...

more a sense of soldiering on, forging forward, and still the same, lets live life meaningfully....my only worry is running out of stamina.....must say it is easy to feel very tired...and that is not good when driving....have been taking regular power naps.....that 15-20 min makes alot of difference...not many however understand or know how to take power naps....those who know will know what i mean.

mum is on the whole still happy, looking forward to cny....we are really hoping symptoms will hold out till then.....increasingly it is now left mainly again to sk and myself....and S1 some mornings....i dont mind. have to admit, i prefer not to have some ties...

am quite glad to get card from ky today. very glad and relieved. I was devastated, very devastated when she just left like that in july; i was angry with myself, with LS, with school....i just felt my priority has been all wrong. I knew there was issue but didnt take time to resolve it, and all was too late....i was momentarily bitter and really very pained then. Whatever. I will never forget what I owe her, and really couldnt come to terms then.....i am really very glad for the exchanges the last few weeks...and today. That we can reconcile. She is really my most valued friend.

Looking back, it has been a year I feel most lost....never found my direction amidst the mountains of work and upheavals of life.... window smashing into carscreen...anr accident 8 days after....all those conflicts that i really hate.... and the spiral down.....twice over.....It was a year that i just ploughed and endured, and held on somehow...

Among the people I am grateful for, these came to mind....

Again 403..... when my spirit was so low so often....stepping into this class, or on the way to canteen...the greetings Hello Ms C, never fails to cheer me up. It was as if they were so happy to see me! I dont know whether they really do, but it is nice to feel u made a difference to someone....and to a class...well, its nice. :)

i must say also alot of people in sch, in particular vl and ld that are really empathetic companions, sy who always respond to my need for help; pc who always 'listen' via emails; and touches of kindess and support from sm that make alot of difference to me and help me stay on in the school that i did like very much from the start, and still do....and many other special pple in sch that make one feel loved like kyc, te, ftt, lsf.,ht, ncl, fll, lhc.....and latterly rc....yes it always matters that u mean sth to someone...

i remember when i was very down once, pc keep telling me, u have alot of friends and she wld list them, and it was helpful....

the viet trip was also very meaningful to me... and really one of the positive highlights of the year....

'shopping' for a car was also another thing quite memorial. :) must say ht and ncl were really patient with me....it took me nearly a year b4 deciding on one....

taking 6206 was also special....got to know quite nice kids and really glad to have taken that on....

so it was not a bad year, despite feeling so lost, hurt and bewildered for most parts....

2010 is not going to be easy....but i want to make it meaningful....

mum just woke....she is now talking to me abt the 'end' arrangements....dont know what to say....except to say, dont think so much...really don t know what to say....sk gone for wedding dinner with bil.....she ask to see 400H for the last time.....i told her she can see as often as she wants and she can go back anytime she wants.....actually i felt she knew all along the end is near. but i cant understand why she does not want to return back, and chose to stay with sk. I dare not ask. i dare not know why either....i dont want to think....

this is what i dread most about 2010.....

another of those days....nothing special....marketing...heavy rain....sk's place...back...work....sk's place...

mum has been 'clearing' stuff; knows i dont like gold or jewellery; gave me a silver chain with pendant; I agreed to wear it; she couldnt believe it that I would be so obliging. no point making issue, and it is quite nice anyway, not loud....but not really me...but small matter.

sk was more emo today....told me mum said she doesnt want to die...she seems 'ok' still...but signs of discomfort increasing....both of us dread it when she gets worse...she cant come to terms and the struggle will be worse for all...we cant do anything until the cell report is out anyway...

i also worry when term opens....sulis is unreliable...but mum is used to her....

Work is now my 'haven'; sk says carry on. we will work out somehow....

whatever. another day. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.

Ps: there's something abt this blog that irritates me, the timing is not 'right'. dont know how to adjust. gerlynn yap, how?

2412_2235

just came back from cold storage....bought many small boxes of chocs for mum to give away as 'christmas' presents....this is actually very strange cos mum does not celebrate christmas....actually neither do I, but for different reasons. For her, she is not a christian, and at one time...totally opposed to it. For me, I am a christian, but do not follow trends....suffice to leave it as that.

sk is holding a 'christmas' gathering for mum inviting all members from B1, B2, S1....again strange cos we usually get tog only on cny....basically we dont get tog at all, except for mum...and also strange cos they do not celebrate christmas....but again all this is for mum.

mum is excited abt this coming party, she actually likes crowd unlike sk and i, ....sk is actually very thoughtful, cos she wont leave it till cny to have this....no one can tell how long....its going to be an unusual and unique christmas.

spend the whole day running errands for mum with sk. its not a nice feeling, feeling everything we do may be the last time we are doing it...but keeping in focus to keep her happy for as long as possible. She didnt look or feel gd this morning, complaining of difficulty in breathing. We assured her its tiredness and degenerating strength. she seems better later and was assured....there will come a day, its not possible to say thus. Somehow i have this feeling it may not be too far away. Its a heavy weight on both of us, but it has to be borne; many have more difficult and painful burdens to bear.

sk is very gd with mum, she can talk to her continually and mum is very happy to talk with her. But through the years, we never had much to talk about. I will just sit there usually with nothing to say. Ultimately I will end up reading newspaper, watching tv, or working on the laptop. She will complain that I am just like papa....i try, i really try, and will still try....but its hard. I feel bad. sk asked me a few days ago if i could erase off the bad memories of the past. it isnt that i dont want to, but its just that there wont be any memories then.....the few pleasant memories of my childhood/teenage were all days in school, never any at home....both of us are from the same family, same parentage, yet our lives are so vastly different. I am not bitter at all. But sometimes it is not possible to turn the clock back, and try to recover a closeness that never was, though it should have been between a mother and child....I cant apologise for it...i really cant help it.

whatever. like sk, i want to do my full duty to the end, and do what i can to assuage the difficult pathway ahead...

If one was to read Anne Frank's diary, it isnt that she was a great writer....but the circumstance that she was in compelled her to 'talk' to herself,to reflect within herself.... and she gave vent in the written record. This record read by millions when she was long gone, has touched many.

I didnt have her maturity at her age. But from young becos of many circumstance, i took alot in silence, observed, felt much pain, reflected and pondered over many, many things, and many, many years later, learnt from the very experiences that had hurt.

Whilst Anne had no opportunity to live and reflect over her young life, i have. I will never touch people the way Anne's diary did, but i can touch someone in some small way each day. I know a long time ago, never, never ever give way to bitterness. and am thankful to be able to do so by grace.

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled" Hebrews 12:15
231209_2225

Today mum's stamina seems good, she has been lying on the sofa and chatting away for a couple of hours....of cos it could be becos 3 of us are around, and now for once she has at least 2 at any time every evening....it used to be only me most all the time in the evening or sk on sat....

now every day that passed and she is happy is a gain to us....after she was relieved of the 1.5 litres of fluid in her lungs and 2 stents inserted to hold up the blood vessel 'crushed' by the tumour, she has seemingly picked up....but i had been warned anything can happen anytime and unlikely to cross pass another year.....she did mention about difficulty in swallowing and ask why....how to tell her the tumour is prob pushing at her airways....and absent mindedness.....which is not bad so she wont remember things too painful.....

am grateful to come through the turmoil the last 3 weeks esp after I returned from vietnam; things were really in a whirl as she got worse and worse, and the dreadful news that it was relapse of the malignant tumour now in advanced stage ...didnt know how to carry on had anything happen then.... This reprieve gave me the time that i need to regain composure and strength for the time ahead....and am truly grateful to the Lord for his mercies in this.

it also taught me to value time, to make good use of every moment...not just with family, but also at work, to value everything that one puts one heart to do whilst one is still doing....and to me teaching is still one of the most meaningful vocation.

would i have done the same when i was younger? Maybe not but there again, things were not that stable for me then....Another thing about youth is they are often very certain of what they are doing cos whatever they feel is what it is......i was no different then.....[btw, my definition of youth, from 20 to mid thirties....below 20s, still kids....beyong mid thirties, well hopefully has attained some maturity....and defintion of maturity? (403 pple will know we always define the scope of our discussion with definitions first....) ...havent thought of it at the moment....]

it would be tragic however if no reflections are done at some point in life......and realise that life has to be meaningfully led....

hope to have a more systematic (sorry math training again) to write on specific topics later...will consider requests. :)

meantime, mum has gone up to rest....another peaceful day, and that thankfully.....about time to drive back again...not my favourite time cos by now i do get quite tired....

221209_ 2125