pain....

I am falling into a terrible abyss...
Wandering in a convoluted labyrinth...
how to climb out of the steep darkness...
how to find a way out of the maze of despair...

i have gone through many very very very dark tunnel...so dark i didnt think there was a way out... and really wanted to give up... but always held on because of mum... i needed to look after her...and i held on...

i finally got out of the trap after 15 years... it could have been earlier, but i had to consider many things... i am only thankful i did get out... otherwise i wouldnt have been able to see through mum's last lap...

Unbelievably, i came through... and i got back to the vocation i love, that i had to leave then because of the web of circumstance...

i did all that mum wanted, got back to teaching, pick up driving, and drove... there are alot of things that she, and dad too would have wanted me to do... but i didnt do them... i could have... i wish time could turn back...

i rarely regret... but i do now;

i have been fiercely independent and very certain of my views and values. whenever it comes to valuation, friends are always first. i suddenly realise my valuation has not been as it should have been...

sk and bil have been very sweet,and took me out yesterday and this afternoon to j2's place...we went to the graveyard yesterday to check all is ok for this tues... it was really painful to see the tombstone...mum is really gone, lying below the tombstone....i knew sk teared... again i was stoned...i dont know how to cry when people are around...

i wished she had known we didnt cremate her, that we erected a tombstone she would have liked. She was scared of fire, and tho she said cremate, we knew she was scared. We couldnt do it...

The pain within is searing...and the walls are collapsing... i dont know how long more i can hold out...suddenly, i am scared i will lose sk... it has always been her saying that she wont know how to go on without me...suddenly, suddenly...i need her... realised i dont have anyone that really cared and loved me....sk does... i know... she felt bad abt our childhood... and she really love me as a sister...

Must rush out work so that i wont hold up anyone if the walls collapsed...