Of Public figure, x factor and the Masses

Actually this issue of  'public' has lingered in my mind for a long time. A few events along the way the last few months invoke many more thoughts.

Public is of couse relative. In the smallest context, performance within a community with more than a handful of audience is a kind of 'public' though probably not qualified to be a 'public figure'.
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Public Performance

This year, I had gone for 3 music recitals by invitation, as I know the performers. In all 3 cases, I was impressed with the poise, and the obvious immersion of the musician into their performance. These are amatuers, not professionals. But you can see as they performed, they were in a world of their own. Through their music, they invite the audience into their world. As an audience, I was carried by their music. But in my subconciousness, I was thinking of the performer.

Its easy to watch. But I know full well, that not all musicians can do what they do. There is an additional factor in perfomance that not all have. Its the same with any field of art. One can be very gifted artistically, but not all can be a good artistes. It is more than the gift in the field itself.

Perfomance in itself is another set of talent. It is the conveyance of the musical message through the medium of the performance; the beauty of movements through the elegance of dance; reality portrayed through the dramatists and script. There is a total immersion, and a confidence that can be almost defiant.

Again 'giftedness/talent' in performance spread across a spectrum, from the mildly gifted/talented, to those who transcends nationality and time. These fields would include all aspects of perfoming music, dancing and acting. Literature and art fall within the bounds of public appreciation though they are not a 'performance  in confined time'.

I exclude gifts in sciences and mathematics as these are are not performance giftedness. I dont consider competitions like olympiads a performance for audience. That falls under another specturm. The same for sports/games. Though some sports like gymnastics and skating, ice-skating are in the peripheral of artistic performance by virtue of the elegance of their sports.

Public performance brings public approbation and public criticism. This brings the critical turning points. To performers.

These thoughts have since branch to many other realms.....as one follow the lives of some public performers of a high degree of renown...what led to their rise, what led to their fall; why are some able to hold success well, whilst others, fall into tragedies?

Giftedness and Talent comes with a high price to the individual, some more, some less.

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Public and Masses
'Public' is as, I have mentioned earlier, relative. It varies from areas that are relegated to 'enhancement' like the arts, and to 'enterntainment' since it is not a core life needs, one of those aspects that are 'excess' like games and sports ---- to prominence in respective fields, termed 'leaders' and of course to political realms, local, national leaders to leaders on the international platform.

The pendulum of thoughts swings from a small musical recital to the other end, the US Presidential election.

I have always been cautious to touch on two areas, politics and religion. In 2008, I remembered asking 303 casually who they thought would win the US election. As a current affairs issue, that was not inappropriate. Personally, then, I didnt know who I would preferred. From time to time, I acknowledge I do have subjective preference, which is really often based on some form of biasness. At one time, I was a great admirer of the Kennedy family. At other times, I realised I did have misjudgments. Not that it matters. I am, after all, a total nobody.

So when I asked the class then, I just wanted to hear what kids have to say. Actually, I always felt the naivety is sometimes refreshing, though their ignorance is also irksome. Nevertheless, they would be surprised how much I considered their response at that time.

For this topic, the only response I remembered was from Ernest. He said, he wanted Obama to win. Reason? Obama will catch Osama. I was flabbergasted then. What a reason.

So in 2011, when it happened, I wondered if Ernest remembered what he said, or whether anyone else remembered. But I did.

Four years on, the US election took place again. This time, I only asked one person. The person said, she didnt like Obama. Reason? He didnt do anything.

I didnt prod on. Because I know, the response of individuals add up to the masses. And many strange elements lead one to form their views. These individuals that form the masses, exercise 'democracy', translated literally as 'people's power'. I sometimes feel, it is ironic.

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X factor
Let me digress a little. Of someone without the x factor.

In my life, I ran for only one election. Remember, everything is relative. It was a small election,but important to the community i was in then. It was a small community of 189 undergraduates, one of the 2 mixed gender hostel.

That was an election of the JCRC, the student governing body of the hostel. At JC, I nearly ran for executive committee when there were people who asked me to do so, and claimed they would support me. After consideration, I felt I couldnt meet the mark. Nor did I have any agenda to run. So I didnt. I was elected at class level into the student council at JC.

The good thing about running for a post is, it is your initiative. Not because some 'authority' appoint you. There is an aspiration, a belief, a wish to serve community. And student council, or JCRC was open to the student community. Not to selected people whom some powers favoured. In JCRC, the leadership body can range from first year to fourth year undergraduate. I was in second year then.

That was the early 1980s. Ladies were in the minorty, but in hostel then, every year there was an outstanding lady leader. I was not popular. I think lack of looks is always an issue. Not being good in sports. Not sociable. There is a certain kind of image attached to 'popularity'. I dont have that X factor.

I ran because I really wanted to contribute and really believe I could. I had my supporters, those who believed in my dedication and ability. And I guess, those who support me were usually die-hards like me. Actually, I didnt have a strong competitor. My batch was considered a 'weak' intake. and there were only two of us from my batch that ran for this committee, and we were vying for the same post. In terms of ability and commitment, I have the strong edge and track record.

When the result came out, the post I ran turned out to be the most narrow win. I was really taken aback, and disappointed. Its hard when you know you did not get a strong mandate. I also know there was polarity based on religious faction. Though I had then professed to be a christian, I kept away from the main christian body, and of course that was also duly faulted. I never felt religion and secularity should mix. One carries oneself based on one's faith. That is inward. That should not be a polarised factor.

The first thing I learnt about the masses is, well, they are not predictable. The figures itself told me I was played out by some sector. And really, it should not be surprising. From the Scriptures, we learn that. It was the masses, many of whom received good from the Lord, that sought his crucificion. Masses are swayed by emotions. And emotions are swayed by whatever 'facts' they want to believe, even when they know full well these are not facts.

And 'facts' can be so well-disguised. And many took what they 'feel' to be facts. Even highly rational persons.

I was young then. 19/20? And no mentor. Except for a few seniors that I had held in high regard. Whatever it is, I went on to be the only lady holding a main portfolio, Student Welfare, in the committee that year and co-chaired the committee to move the hostel from Dunearn Road to the first Sheares Hall at Nus. Logistics was immense, and at that time, everything was pen and paper. Desktop computers were not in existence at all. Sheares Hall accommodated a much bigger community 350 - 400. So the portfolio became alot bigger.

I learnt alot from that one year stint of public post and that is possibly the foundation of many of my approach to solving issues.  At that time, people didnt mince their words. They didnt like you, they tell you to the face. It was a community ran by the house constitution. Any dissatisfaction, the study body can call an EOGM (Extraordinary General Meeting) to question you. Students of all faculties were in the hall, except medicine. Law students seemed to have an edge exercising constitution rights and articulating them forcefully.

 I said, seemed to have. I learnt that, for any leader, one must know the parameters very well, and focused on the issues. The advantage of knowing you have the disadvantage of not having that X factor, is, you worked extra hard to serve well. I think, most important of all, my objective was right. It was never a case of proving that you had leadership. It was a case of doing what would benefit the community. And I got most of my facts right. Through thorough checks and research. And in those non-computer days, checks mean physically going down to check on many details, and making enquiries depended alot on high level of resourcefulness. I ran the vending machines for drinks, and duly made profit put to good use.

But it was exceedingly tough especially to overcome biasness.  I survived an EOGM called on me because of the quality of hostel food. As that was in my portfolio, I was held responsible for anything the caterers did not do right, like finding a nail in the food. I remembered getting a nasty letter, peppered with vulgarities. But you got to take it if you chose to be a leader. It was very tough.

The issues had to be faced squarely, and there were plenty. Laundronats not working was my problem. Intercom not working was my problem. Frequent blackouts was also my problem. On one occasion, there was a pipe burst, and no water supply for half the day. It was also my problem to arrange for mobile water supply. Students taken ill in the middle of the night was also my problem. I made countless hospital trips. Not enough toilet paper supply also landed on my lap. Singaporeans were already a complaining society then. But it taught me, to solve problems. Not for the moment. But at its root.

So yes, one face the issues and explained the obstacles not within one's control. opinions received however diverse were noted (genuinely, not for show) and future plans mapped out to accommodate. Thats what meetings are for. To communicate, to accept differences and to work for the overall good of a community, and do so with grace. (Present day meetings seemed to be dissemination of information, and woe betide, whoever brings out un-endorsed opinions)

By the end of my term, at the AGM, one has to give a report of what had been done to the student community. One's works justify one. There were due appreciation and acknowledgement and I had much more approbation than I expected. A good standard was set.

But that stint made a mark. It was very costly. I failed one math module that year, and did not clear the supplementary either. As a result, I  had to repeat the whole year. That was how brutal the system was at that time. My bursary was suspended, and I was left without finances.It was a very cruel blow. Thankfully, having given tuition since young, I had savings to pay for fees that year. But it was a very very bitter experience at that time, and one of the greatest setback of my life. For that reason, I hardly mentioned my uni days. It was very painful.

And that was not the only pain ......but that is another story that would probably remain untold....in many ways, that period was a determining factors of many things in my life.

I told myself I will never take on a leadership position again. Rightly or wrongly, i took on 'backstage' work from thence, all my life. I still believe, X factor is important. For leaders. For performers. I didnt have that. I should not take any leadership track.
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What is that X factor? Definition is probably elusive. I remembered chiyin was not awarded the xxx scholarship during her year, when she was the final two persons narrowed down. She was later told by one panelist, the final distinguishing factor was they were looking for someone with X factor. That was sad, because she was clearly the better of the two candidates. Her subsequent worldwide acknowledgement of her journalism proved my judgment was right. But she was disadvantaged then.

So what if you dont have that x factor? Well, hard work, humility and determination and good thinking will get you somewhere. Hard work never fails. But if you are one that seek to be at the pinnacle or constantly need reassurance or recognition, you can be courting a lot of undue misery. Talent/gift in whatever field, is meant to be contributive. Not for self glorification.

How do one define X factor? If it could defined, it wouldnt be called X factor. It defies definition. The closet I can think of is charisma. Likeability.

I suppose how one defines it also depends if you are a thinker, a rationalist, an impressionalist, or a randomist.

I can define a randomist. One that say, Obama will catch Osama.; Obama did nothing. These are randomists.
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Masses
I have to admit, basically, I have no confidence in voting system, or the electorates or masses. Is democracy fairer than dictatorial appointments? I dont know. But I guess, voting for one's leader is probably 'fairer' than appointment that is seemingly based on meritocracy. I abstain from almost all voting these days.

I only know at times, when in any organisation, there is a good leader, however small the organisation, it is a true blessing. And when 'meritocracy' or its disguise or simply by no or poor choice, a bad or inappropriate leader is in place, the immensity of the repercussions are often underplayed. To save face. Especially in the case of appointment.

I do see the role of masses. I was really quite encouraged and intrigued by HK society, and the high level of social awareness and civility. I thought their recent protests not to have National Education and succeeded in doing so speaks volumes of the way the society is run, and the respect the authorities have towards its citizens. I was really impressed. But in the first place, they are a people that have strong identity bond, and they do respect personal rights.

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Back to the US Presidential election. If anyone is curious if I did have any inclination to any candidate, yes, I have. Actually, i followed this election closely, and visit fivethirtyeight blog regularly. I think again, for those who know me, it wont be difficult to guess who I would have supported.

I like a leader that is 'non-drama', professional, cool, shows integrity, consultative and decisive, and with a consistency through the years. There is no doubt who fits the bill. Actually, of those US presidential elections that I had followed, President Obama is the one with the least 'blemishes' and to me, a highly respectable person, based solely on his personal qualities.

Does he have the X factor? I think he has. And leadership is a gift. He has it I believe.

I have alot of confidence in Nates Silver highly methodological statistical analysis and prediction, so, yes, i expected his win. And really he deserves to win.

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Public figure or masses. I belong to neither group when it come to politics. Masses give the power, and is the one subjected to the power.

This strange symbiotic relationship that brings about fame and power.  Who is the more powerful, who can say?

And of mass media....well, that would be another post. Someday.

wordlessness

Had tried to write a few times. In many ways, there have been alot  of thoughts to pen, a continual flow of reflections....
 
Yet in some ways...wordlessness encapsulates all words...
 
In 12 hours time, a phase would have ended. the cost to me, is far more than any would know. And to this moment, i would still say the same...no regrets...when i see the kids...78 of them....worthwhile. .... every word of thanks, every note, letter at this moment mean alot to me....and is immense consolation.
 
Would it be a momentary impact, or a more lasting mark, no one will know.  in my ideal mind, i really wish, the effect would span a long long time...at least for one or two....

I only know i genuinely imparted a part of my life in these ten months.... the thoughts that went behind each preparation with seeing each kid in my mind.... no one will understand what i mean....unless he/she knows what it is to teach with the heart. One may teach a class...but each face, each individual, each child tells a story....

Teaching is an art. Just as one may watch a show, read a book, hear a song, view a work of art, one see it in ' wholeness', and rarely do one consider the process that bring each to the 'wholeness'. Behind every gesture acted, every word crafted, every note composed, played, sung, every stroke of the brush, to the truly feeling performer, writer, musician, artist a part of their lives went into it, understood only to themselves.

Teaching is an art. One stepped into a class, the faces in front of you, you forget who you are...art takes over..the content that is a part of you to be conveyed... hoping that it would kindle them to see the elegance of the knowledge; you see the unseen mind, heart, spirit to be nurtured, not in singular lessons, but crafting over the passage of time; , the imprint gradually takes a more definite shape....and you have to watch, wait, consider, craft....and sometimes, oftentimes, one do not get to see the effects.....but one continue to hope...

Teaching is an art....an art of the heart....who understand what i mean?

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What lies ahead with the end of this phase is no crossroad ~ more like a wasteland stretching ahead.......... maybe not so endlessly.....in life's uncertain passage.

Unfulfilled aspirations are perhaps one of the hardest to bear....almost like unrequited love...and age does not mitigate it. In fact, it is far more poignant. 

There was a point in time in the past few years.......... i almost see the possibility in the horizon...considering the wastedness of most part of the strength of my days.......and it took me so long for me to have a depth of understanding of what lies within...at that time, i was really so grateful that at such a late stage of my life, a fulfilment in part may be possible....

It gave one some purpose, and i worked hard, very very hard,......... and really hope for some more certain fruition of the gift in oneself ....however little the gift, it was still a gift.....and one can sow for others to reap....

But thorns and biers obscured the path, and untold conflicts....finally, i chose to abandon the path....  
 
Few people can press on without motivation, much less without encouragement. some are motivated by fame, some worked for power, some for recognition, some for wealth, some just have the drive in their belief in themselves to find a place for themselves. Yet for others, their sense of self-survival reign supreme.
 
I lacked all the above motivations. And I am glad I dont have them. I have no finishing power also. Truly, a chain is as strong as its weakest link.

It is however, not easy to know a latent potential remain in an inchoate form. Time is no longer on my side. i looked at the wasteland ahead, and am wordless.

dont ask me what i will do next. its not what i do next that matters.......

it is what is within.... somehow its like back to a wilderness.....finding a path till the end of a journey.....

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wordlessness encapsulates all words.....

learn to say, no, no, no, no, no

finally. finally....just saw the end of one draggy task that spanned over nearly 6 months. true, i procrastinated as well....but its because in the first place, i didnt even want to do it at all.

i realised most people dont really consider the genuine good of another, whatever they say, when they invite you into a task. my gut instinct was right. actually, my first instincts have almost always been right.being too obligatory, and over-consideration have been my stumbling block too often.  i always have a problem saying no.

whatever. I will LEARN to say, No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!

and yes, let this be over, well and truly!

End September 2012

this serves more as a record than a reflection.

it has not been an easy month. not because of events that happened.

i should have anticipated, but i didnt.....the floodgates crashed at the end of the last assignment...i put in alot of heart and effort in that.....without any reserve energy, the inner defence collapsed at the slightest pressure......

....bewildered, the floods swept one into deep crests of rough waves.....

past, present, future, mingled in futility....and one looked around, but there was none to hold on to....

the advantage of experience is, one knows one cant fight against turbulence. at such time, its best to keep still and wait for the storm to pass.

And silence and aloneness is best.  

will there be a closure to the past?

i have no answer.
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and whatever the storm, the present still goes on....

and of the present...

well, one sees....

the gross misalignment in expectations and reality;
the stark contrast of words and actions;
the clear polarity between callousness and sincerity. 

And one learns. That time is a needed factor to know another. 日久见人心 is true.Very true.

there are many many ways one can react. at the receiving end,one cant help the weighing down of  spirit and deep sadness. How one choose to respond depends on what standards one set for oneself,  known or unknown to others. Ultimately, we live with our own conscience. 

Whether one lives by one's conscience, is totally another matter. Words are cheap. Very cheap. I have known that all my life.

i choose to keep by my word. and i choose to believe in what i believe. i did waver. i did weigh the cost, even at midstream. especially over the past weeks.....and i decide to choose to place this last lap as my first priority.

its a choice. a deliberated, and deliberate choice. i will need the stamina, strength and focus to do so. its probably going to be one of the toughest challenge, but until one gives fully, one cant tell the outcome. i am a firm believer that foundation is critical, and over the year, the ploughing had been done. One reaps what one sows. Hard work will never fail. yes, i still believe in this. 

Whatever my hopes and expectations, outcome is a reality that one has to see. And which others only see and want to see. Outcomes. Not the process. I would wish for positive outcome. But more than that, what i value is the process, and that which has been kindled within, not seen.

it is going to be very costly to me. the impact of this intensity will hit me very hard at the end. just as it hit me in august. i suppose, at least, this time, i realised where the weak link is, and can brace myself for it. hopefully, the floodgates will hold up better at end oct.  

honestly, i will miss the kids. very very much. it has been literally a day and night effort. i hope, really hope,  it will make a difference to some of them. that this year will be a justified year.

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thankfully, dissertation has taken a positive start. i regret that i have not the time to work at it as i should,  but i hope somehow, somehow, i will pick up momentum. Once i fulfil my responsibility to the kids which was what i had set my heart to do for this year, it will take immense effort to complete it in 3 months. the odds are not with me, but well....we will see....

and after that.... i dont know....wait and see.

and yes, friday nite, managed to get to airport in time to see gerlynn off....seriously, almost half that batch of kids were there....it was nice to see them....buti have to admit, i felt desolate and estranged within. the gulf will widen with time....both ways.....

thus ends september 2012....a pensive mood....

return....

Relatively speaking, this has been one of the longer pause .... given time, the gaps may be filled.......it was a needed hiatus.
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for a start, nothing 'personal' per se.... just some thoughts on 2 'intended' changes announced...

first is education-related. the news that banding and academic awards will be removed. It resonates well with one of my earlier post, "Real Winners do not compete", so that was a 'happy' news. Actually, the banding is not as detrimental as the chase of awards, so it was more the latter that i am glad to see.

No need to say more about it, since, a step in the right direction has been taken. But, it is only a step.

As i have written elsewhere, systems is a convenient scapegoat for one's action and pursuit. When ranking was first introduced, I was in a school whose principal disdain such measures. She stood her ground, the school still did well. She never talked about 'msg', so no one talked about it either. Every assembly session were anecdotes that cause one to reflect and learn more about life. That was ranking at its peak. But I didnt feel the impact. That is true leadership.

The issue lies alot with people who conveniently use 'system' as a masquerade of what is within themselves.

Nevertheless, i appreciate the move. I hope the next would be the  removal of  'ranking' of teachers, and kpis.

Setting goals is always good and necessary. But to link it with 'ranking' and 'performance bonus' and 'promotion', it is degrading. When one talks about values, it is not measured materially. When one wants to be 'paid according to one's worth in ability/performance' , then i wonder if such should be an educator in the full sense of the word. Its like a doctor being judged by how many patients he sees, and how many get well.

But, if such incentives are being removed, then i suspect there would be many vacancies in many high places in education institutions. This is probably one 'sacred cow' that will not be removed. Well, hopefully, a more perceptive approach that will encourage young educators with a true heart.

In writing this, i thought of the person i spoke to yesterday, truly an exemplar educator...... will come back to this another time....

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the second, seemingly trivial, is the returning of trays at food centre. i admit i was one of those who opposed to this when it was introducted at the food centre near my place, probably in 2004.

why? i was very very unhappy then. I remembered mum wondering if we should return our trays,  and i said i cant be bothered. When one constantly faced the harshness of life, battered and hassled at all sides, some small things can seem like the last straw.

i hate dirty tables, and hate to clean up after someone else's mess at food centres. Having got to look after people practically my whole life, i was always queing up and serving others, always saying, its ok, even when it is not....i was tired, very tired. With self-service at food centres, i had to carry the food, for mum and i. Whether i was unwell, whether my hands were unsteady, i had to hide that. I always had to say, no problem, when sometimes there were problems. And some of the hawkers can be very rude, and likewise those clearing the trays. I was just plain fed-up. And didnt want to do anything more than what i really need to. One more thing, is one thing too much. i would have to be the one doing the clearing. i was too tired.  I rather not eat at food centres then. so, well, i didnt cooperate.

In schools, yes, we always returned back utensils. But everyone does that, and there was little mess, as there was order.

Over the last few years, i went more often for meals at nus and at ntu, that it began to dawn upon me that if tertiary institute canteens have that habit, why not food centres? i also genuinely pitied some of the workers and felt bad about my lack of graciousness in the past, and really want to do my part. But i wouldnt know where to return the trays to. I can be quite clumsy. 

The nigger about this became greater with the foreigners debate. Not that i wished to be inundated with a great proportion of non-natives, but i also detest all the 'bullying'  and caustic remarks especially online, about foreign workers etc. Our foreparents were also such migrants.

so, yes, the re-introduction of encouraging patrons to return trays at food centres is good news to me. i am glad i can do my part now.  I guess its strange that this should even be written in a post. It is trivial.

True. Its a very small matter, but tiny as it is, it is a gesture of humanity. And humanity shown   ~  to one and all, in this short space, called time.....is not trivial to me.

hiatus

to those kids that visited, thank u very much....

to those who took time to send thoughtful wishes and notes, thank u very much....

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Hiatus is needful for the soul.........

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pelican of the wilderness

 

ten years.....

 

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hear thou the silent

depths?

 

 

 

 

 

 

update

This is going to be a short update....short is relative to the long list of thoughts on my mind....

The past week was really in a muddled maze....i completed the assignment in a blog form (thanks for the technical support!), and though essentially I structured in all the content, in the end, I didnt have time to edit, and found so many places where it could have been better and left out some thoughts that i had wanted to include....sigh....so, it was disappointing for myself... I really wanted to do it well, as this is the last of my assignments...and i really enjoy doing it in a different way.....

somehow everything took so long to put together and the last 2 days were killing, especially the last day. I sat in front of the laptop for 17+ hours, leaving it only to feed the cats, and to get bread to eat ....and at the end of it, it was almost 3am....and i still had to struggle to go for remedial on sat morn....

my brain felt really really weird and zombed. Sprained brain.

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another significant event last week ~ hmy flew off to hku....and soon 2 more will be leaving....the kids are growing up....so fast....exciting for them.....for oldies, alot of mixed feelings..... o well....

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and the maid didnt come back as agreed. In many ways, no loss. Will not dwell on negatives. I am glad to have the chance to do the little i can to support sk, its good to have someone to care for....

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L's dad passed on last week....its going to hit her hard.... i understand, cos she is going to be alone, like me....

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prelim marking will start next week. i can see half the kids are really still not ready. though there is improvement, it was too much in too short a time...and........

on my part, i take a deep breath and brace myself for the next 7 weeks of marathon. Need to really strategise....but it all depends if they have the fight to work hard. I view this phase with alot of mixed feelings again....but whatever it is, i must complete it well, to make this year purposeful and meaningful. Though some things had turned out of course, the essence of why i am where i am now, is still there, and in a way, the effect is far more.

If one look only at tangible results, it may not reflect. Alot of lessons are not measured by results....one student wrote in their class fb, lets study hard and make ms c proud of us....this group has taken flight already, and i am thankful....

but there are still quite a few, who is still struggling to keep afloat....be it weak foundation or weak will....i just want them not to quit, to try to the end....

Its not going to be easy...in fact its going to be gruelling....especially when night study starts again........i need the stamina to pace them, to push them, to help them. Its not that results matter to me, it serves as an indicator, as a motivation, but i need them to believe in themselves, to break the vicious cycle of non-performance, to find value, in determination and hard work. I hope i will have the stamina to run this last lap of marathon.

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piles of backlogged work to clear....hope i can embarked on collecting data for dissertation once sept starts.....

meanderings....

have symptoms of frozen shoulder with stiff neck...limited movement...

Me: what do you do if you have  a frozen shoulder?
Nephew: Defreeze it.

Sigh
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allowing myself some space to meander .......not that i have worked hard on my assignment....could always work harder....at least there is some relief in that the structure is up...and some bits and pieces are falling into place...i just dont want to get into a panic state....not worth it....

i chose a terrain that i had not had much exposure...and though i can just ride it through a beaten path, i chose to walk through the maze....so my wanderings led me to Greek philosophers...then to argumentation and debate; logic and fallacy; dialetics and rhetorics;  pervasiveness of uncertainty and the power of certainty; critical thinking and critical decision-making....

i guess for but barely 10% of the write-up, i was really straying off... it is a little senseless....but then that is me....i am not meticulous, but i like to be thorough...when i write a chapter of notes, i ploughed through texts after texts, and as far as possible, from different countries, from different sources and tried to understand the flow of the mind and concepts.....whether anyone sees it is not material.... i need to get through my own mind, my own queries....before i can attain that equilibrium, to transfer that knowledge....

some years ago, someone told me a story that when he was in sec 2, he wanted to ensure he got into the best class in the streaming, and since humanites was not his strong subject,  to be sure he would score, he learnt by heart about 30+ model history essays that his teacher said the exam questions would be based on. And so he did very well. I supposed relating the story showed his determination or ability, i dont know. He was evidently proud of his effort, though  I thought that was weird,  but well, to each his own.

I recalled my sec 2 days, first of all, i guess i was never that desperate, there was streaming also, but, i guess i took it for granted that i would be fine. At that time, there were only 2-3 libraries in Singapore, and thankfully my school was situated very near to the National Library (which they tore down). I would go there , and look up the reference books to find out more about the historical characters mentioned in the history books, and discovered alot of discrepancies. I couldnt understand then, that well, text books were written based on whatever facts they want us to know. I would ask my teacher who was quite vague, so in the end, I didnt ask anymore. Of course, it was much much later, that i realised most students wont do what i was doing at that age...for no reason....o well....

Looking back, i am thankful that my teachers were totally against model essays, and disallowed us to make reference to them. This way, we arrive at our views and style independently. We were not taught...no remedials, no enrichment, and definitely no internet, hardly any photocopy either....we jsut read (if we can find the books) and think through....grades were subsidiary to independence of thought. This is especially so for Literature. Plagiarism is never a temptation. Surely, we want to be unique in our response

 so now, it reminds me alot of my school days...i really enjoy learning my way.....and now i am doing the same.....whilst it is really arduous to look up one reading after another, and pondering over the views of the writers, it does give one immense satisfaction, alot of room for reflection and  a sense of the spirit of inquiry, so absent in our day.....

 if only.... the deadline does not loom like a noose....

i have this feeling that in the end, it would be a scramble, just like all my final submitted work, a shade of what it could have been....sigh...the mark of the underachiever...almost there....if only.....that was what my lecturer said to me in her feedback for my last assignment....I would have given you an A if only....

the ironic part was the part she 'faulted' was sanctioned in a conference with her....o well, whatever....getting 'A' is the cherry....but i am still an advocate that the process, the journey is what learning truly is.... still, it would have been nice...sigh....

4 more days....but i have noticed my mind no longer worked at the same rate....i like to think it has however attained deeper depths and greater clarity....

whilst i do really enjoy reading and learning, i must say, i am thankful with the submission of this assignment this friday, it is the completion of all my coursework. Doing all 8 within 3 semesters have been a feat....and hopefully the dissertation within the next 6 months. ..

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home-wise, i do feel for sk and bil....having someone dear to you with a known terminal illness is like a death sentence....but through this, it has strengthen bonds....i am not part of the family there....i can only support at the periphery....it will be very trying.....for how long....as long as the young lady  is given as many days to be with her loved ones....with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, its painful....its going to be hard journey from here....

in a way the maid taking home leave at this period is good....i get to help them abit more.....i am determined to put more family time.....whilst i really dont belong....truthfully, i dont belong anywhere....but sk is my closest kin...and in her way, she loves me, as i do her.

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as to whatever i undertake thereafter, it is to do what good in the remaining life's journey... for meaningfulness.....

it is a leaving behind...and a looking forward, to seek for that better country, that better hope,

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelations 21:4

Yes, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

"These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.
For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country"         Hebrews 11: 1, 13-14

To be, or not to be: that is the question

time will tell....

updates of sorts....

had wanted to write on a few thread of thoughts that are more philosophical........but time is running out for my assignment...which i still hadnt wrote a word...still conjuring and weaving it in my mind....

and some not so good new just crashed in....of a young lady, who had not had life easy from young, now in her thirties suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 ca .... and set me on another mind's journey....

apart from the education 'complex scenario', the other issue that can bring me into a painful maze is the medical 'system' here....more than 2 years ago, when mum passed on, i had written, of doctors, i will write another time....and i didnt...because it was still too painful then....

I wont now, because i havent the time....and it still hurts....but i will someday...maybe writing it will help...
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this national day break has been helpful. I didnt write anything about the day itself...i guess, again alot of thoughts. But yes, I was relieved that lky is still in relative good health. It isnt that i have no issues, but things must be seen in perspectives. There is alot that we owe to his leadership. More than we realise.

Had another good interview on Friday. Beginning to enjoy interviewing people you dont know but who can share so much insights in their area of expertise, from different angles. Also took the opportunity to drop by cpf, and have settled some loose ends that had been weighing heavily on my mind. 'loose end' sounds 'loose', but actually it is a weighty matter that will see to things.... i dont take alot of things for granted....who knows what a day will bring....and its good that i have clarity of mind after months of ponderings....
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Had remedial on sat morning, and was pleasantly surprised that the optional open consultation session drew nearly 30 kids. Seeing them in the canteen working on for 3 hours was gratifying. Its the process that I want to see them grind through. Even just the discipline of getting out of bed, getting out of the house, and working on an area that is tough for them. And not because they have to. Because they want to. This process must be applied in life's journey...to take responsibility for ourselves...and work for it.....Hope they keep up the momentum.

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unwellness and discomfort are slowly easing. Hopefully the stress of the next ten weeks will be well managed. Am more conscious of a 'healthy' lifestyle....so more water, more greens, and hopefully more walks! ld walked nearly  1.5 hours with me yesterday. :) Good for both of us!

Hopefully, by the time i next update, i would have made some progress with the assignment. Actually all the ingredients are almost there....its just the brewing....and i need to get out of this stupor and get started....someone said to me, u are miss c, u can do it. sigh...i wish i am that certain.... but i am ms c.  i must do it!

8 August

Today is one of the very few days in my life that I really feel very happy.
In a way I did expect it to be a good day. First of all, it was the day of the interview that I secured from Julia Gabriels Centre. When I first wrote in, I was trying my luck. And not very sure where it would get me. And the to and fro did stretch awhile. But when the gentleman, Mr Mark rang to fix it up, I was so happy! I really wanted to share my sense of elation then, and at that moment, I understand why fb can seem so convenient. I was surprised that my single statement, Yea, i got my first field interview, should receive so many encouraging response. And yes, i did need encouragement. Very badly actually.

So today was the day of the interview. It was also a day where I would be meeting up with nice people for lunch, and later for tea. But I was worried a little about the interview.

It turned out so well, far beyond my expectations. Not only did i gleaned all the information I needed and more, Mr Mark was also very generous with rich supporting resources which he emailed me after the interview. He took the trouble to email 3 times each covering a different aspect. And he also made a request to the school where he conducts the education program and obtained information for me to attend it as an observer next week. It was truly too good to be true! The generiosity, openness to sharing, professionalism, and warmth in education aspect is something that is not often seen in local education scene. To be honest, I didnt expect it, as I knew they were very successful in their specialised enterprise, and there is no need to entertain me. I was really over the moon!

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Then lunch with  good company, which is rare for me nowadays. Either i skip lunch or it is I, me and myself for company. :)

I looked forward to tea. xxx is my favourite company and it had been quite awhilse since we last had a good chat. There is a comfort level, a kind of commonality. One of the very few, i can be myself. And one of the very few that always understand my ideals in education. A good listener. Very considerate and one that goes the extra mile. Except with ld in our very regular catchup, I rarely go into details over happenings, always conscious of being brief so as not to bore others. With xxx, I can relate events in detail naturally. I guess a good listener appreciates another good listener.
So, i did expect it would be a good time. But it was more than that. xxx chanced upon this place with colleagues yesterday, and thought i should be acquainted with the place, seeing it is not far from me. I am not adventurous, and hardly move out of my comfort zone. And yes, I did like it very much!

I love the sea. Seeing the vast expanse stretched to the horizon, where the sky and sea meets....the rocks....the waves.....nature dominates more than any man-made structure is so rare.....I cant describe what seeing that view did to my soul. There was a sense of  restfulness, that sense of release from the hustle bustle, that sense of serenity, a sense of refreshing.  Saw a huge monitor lizard, about 2 feet long or more? And it was quite at home, obviously certain it would be safe despite these homo sapiens around!

That three hours there was almost like taking a break from "civilisation". It is one of the moments of quietude and joy that is comforting. One of those special moments that is inexplicable, irreplicable, and which one cherish.

It is very rare to have such a good day, almost perfect. I am content! :D Thanks so much!

Pause...

its ironic that one learns to pause, often because the body sent out warning signals...

actually, i have noted that i have been short-tempered over the past weeks.  The kids also noted the change...and i feel bad to be like that.... It not pushing myself that is the issue. Its having to push others...and for some, the force to break the inertia is immense....

A couple of days ago, one kid said in class, ms c, why are u so angry? That was when i had to pull my hand brake and come to a halt. As it is, i am using my reserve energy. And there are a few amber beeping signs healthwise. The kid who said that meant well. Actually she is one of those who  are on task, and also considerate. She actually got me some food, knowing there was no food in school on saturdays. Her words caused me to pause inwardly...

i have always made it a point to be positive and cheerful in class. This way, it helps to make learning pleasant. But that is assuming there is a spirit of learning. Not all is on the same page. But all must be on the same page. My motivation has never been outward pressure. In fact, i am quite certain, with the present form, the results from this batch would be better than the previous year, and target set would be met. But that is not the point to me.

I see every child as an individual. When someone say they dont understand, there can be a few reasons. i have to admit i am frustrated because i can understand why the few didnt understand. I would have like to do a lesson more pedgagogically suited to the learning needs of these few. But, i dont have the time. As it is, i have to re-teach practically every topic. But more frustrating than that, is that, they dont help themselves. Not even to take up a pen/pencil to copy.
And my patience is running out. Actually it has run out. Prelims is in two weeks time.

But i dont like to be like that. That is what i have resisted for a long time. I remembered many years ago, whenever i got so agitated with the kids, especially when the critical stage was coming up, and they were not ready, I would keep telling myself, its only maths. Dont get so worked up. This is not teaching. This is not learning.

Actually even when i scold the kids, i do listen to their words. And really wished i could do better. if i had the time. Part of the problem is myself. Probably alot of the problem is myself. I dont want to let any go, if i can help it, and i set a pace too fast even for myself. My physical energy could never keep up with the mental drive within.  And the tendency to focus on the imperfections....

I took a few steps backs, and do a review. Actually, more than 90% are making progress, and in fact for some, the progress has been very marked and stable. And most of them, have been receptive to advice. But the determination, organisation, and retention is lacking....There is less than a handful whose attitude is really repulsive, and i must ignore this handful. Thankfully, at this point, the negative influence is no longer pervasive. I should stop reacting, wishing for a change that they do not want nor even think they need.

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Listening is a skill that everyone should cultivate. Reading, seeing,hearing, listening are the receptiive aperture to the soul. One may hear. But not listen. We may react to what we hear. But not reflect upon what we heard.

Listening has an impact within. Listening needs to be cultivated. And the more you listen, the more you will hear and listen.

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And in any case, at this moment, i have no choice. i have to slow down. The pace has been too punishing, and the body system is protesting...its going to take time to get back the balance ..

yes, one must pause, take a deep breath, and slow down.... for the next few weeks....

 ....and the race will be on from sept again....but hopefully by then, we will be running at the same pace....

31 july

Havent been writing, not because there isnt any thing to write about. The constraint is the scarcity of time.

Having more or less cleared major 'debts' in work, am using this time to recapture as many thoughts as possible from the last week. Actually alot of events took place, some rather interesting....now, its where to start....
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yj's wedding

I am really not incline to attend wedding functions, and usually decline. Over the last three years, I had attended more than I ever did in twenty years! I think 5, and thats alot for me. First was M, my 2000 student. I went because she said it would mean alot to her. And she only invited two teachers. I was glad to see her happy. Then for sst and pl sake, to share their joy for their daughters.  It was my way of showing my appreciation for their friendship. kyc was the only exception where i had no hesitation, and it was for her, and for her alone.

So when dj rang a few weeks ago to invite me to attend yj, his sister's wedding, I hesitated. He was doing it on behalf of his family. I taught all 4 of them, plus another 2 cousins. yj was the third I taught as a tutee, the other 2 were in school. I finally went, because I did want to see dj, dw, and j, the last 3, whom I was closer to as I taught them from 13 to the end of their jc days. Their age range from 21 to 25.

And I was glad i went. I wished I had captured the thoughts of the evening that day itself. It was good seeing them, sharing about their lives. What I did not expect was, they also genuinely wished to see me. dj was not easy to handle, he and dw were both ri boys. Their family also welcomed  me warmly, and his mum said she was glad she finally got to see the ms c she always hear about. I didnt know that, it mattered to them, because i was apparently one of the few that dj would listen to. I disputed that, but dj himself said, its true.

Actually, seeing them reminded me of that phase of dark tunnel....especially at that time, i was not teaching, and was reclusive. So these were my little 'windows' to the outside world then and the little joy in that almost absolute bleakness. They didnt know of course. So, our lives crossed. Not many keep in touch regularly. But dj did in his funny way. He is now in uni in melbourne.

It was a lovely evening, and j was very sweet. She has always been a sweet girl, and a top notch ballet dancer. I can only say it was so gratifying seeing the young lady before me. And she text the next day, to ask to drop by to have a longer chat before she leave for Swtizerland, to start the next uni sem. Yes, my kids are all over the world.
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i taught yl in school, and she invited her class mates for the wedding. So unexpectedly, there was a group of poise ladies coming to greet me. They are 32 now. And it had been so long, since i left the school...so it was really nice to see them, 5 out of 6 married, with kids. 

Our recollection of school days however appeared different! hmmmmmm...teacher and students differing perspective? :)

Whatever. Those 2 years when i taught them 1995-1996 were not good years for me....then, my soul was in prison....

In 1995, I had a massive outbreak of acne, that my face was really quite hideous looking with the swellings, and that for months. I dont know how i went through those times. I  remembered telling myself that I have to carry on, and whatever I looked, I must push on. I never uttered a word to anyone of that inward anguish. I was stared at on the road, on buses; people whom i did not know would exclaimed loudly at public places and offered remedies...most of the time, i just shuttled between house and school. Note, i use the word house....which was rv. I remembered mum forcing me to go out with her, and saw for herself the looks i got. I knew both she and dad felt very bad for me. But they didnt know what the real issue was.

I knew, the outbreak was the effect of the turbulence i was trapped then, that seemed interminable...... so i appreciate the kids in the school in those years, who were polite to me, and never made me feel i was an outcast, though i felt like one leprous then....the scarring is still marked on my face, but i dont mind it....actually physical scarring is nothing compared to scars of the soul....

So whilst chatting with them of what is outward, inwardly the mind traced the path in those days.....those interminable 18 years.

And  there is a quiet  flow of joy, that i have walked out of that. And that truly, the Lord's mercies and goodness have preserved me. It reminded me also of the loss of 2 very dear friends...... But, I must walk on.

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Of Culture and ties

 It was the first buffet style dinner I had attend, and yes, the food is very good. Well, u expect it from Shang. I didnt get to eat as much because, well, I am not very good at getting food for myself, always was awkward in buffets, and because there were so many that dropped by for a chat. I had dreaded sitting alone, having to make small talk.with unknown company, but that didnt happen at all.

yj of course was a very happy bride. Petite and sweet natured, she was always inclined to art. The groom is a Scotland chinese, which made that evening particularly interesting. Yes, he and his friends wore the scottish kilts. He has a good sense of humour and is quite gaga over yj.

They flew over a couple of Scottish crooners, and yes they really sang well. The most interesting part was the ballroom dancing. First of all, the bride and groom waltzed, and then subsequently, guests were invited to take part in the scottish communicty dancing. It was quite fun to watch couples of all ages learning the scottish dancing and enjoying themselves.

It reminded me of folk-dancing in my school days. I liked them. Actually very much. We were taught to bow and curtsey, though usually, i took on the role of a boy, so I bow. During rainy days, and there was no PE, we would have folk-dancing. Community dancing was a social activity that helped to bond the communicty in olden times. There is a kind of bonding, that is so different from present day kind of fast, quick communication.

Then there was the lady who sat next to me at the table. When she saw me, she said, ij girl. And I said, yes, i am! yj went to chij, unlike yl. So there is that bond for having the same alma mater. The lady turned out to be my junior, which of course i didnt remember. In fact, i was amazed she could say that, since it must be more than 30 years. Well, it seemed I was one of those that had left some impact on juniors, though to me,  i was a nobody at school (and still a nobody.)

We quickly found many names that we both knew, and shared common traits, and common likes including folk dancing.  We love our motto, Simple in Virtue, Stedfast in Duty. A motto I hope I exemplify.

Actually, the culture of a school, a community is important in a child's life. That sense of communal responsibility is stronger and there is more caring\spirit. I have noted adults who came from schools with strong culture (thats different from herd identity), generally had more team spirit, and are more civic concious, and less officious. Its really different. School culture forms a part of upbringing. Some cultivate it through reading and in ccas with more community life, at uni, and even in the army. Those who remained 'culture-less' and focused only on their own 'rise' /existence/' significance', well.....they missed out of warmth and communality..... not something that one can described.....but it is priceless.

So, it was a memorable evening in many sense....and nice, because i had not expected it at all.....

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Miscellaneous

There are still alot more to record, like the interesting dinner with seah and tsl, both whom i knew at my 4th school. tsl is commendable for keeping in touch over the last 5 years, especially because he is a young chap, who can have more vibrant company. He will be a vp in august, and though, he is relatively young, i think he deserves it, and has shown consistency over the past years.

It was a good conversation, as we had missed one year of catching up, tsl being in hk. All centred on school and education.

=================
Work wise, it is a roller coaster....my anxiety will serve no purpose. On my part, i can only do my best in the preparation, but it is hard to build a strong base over so many years of neglect.....lets see....

The single good new for myself is, I finally submitted the necessary to hopefully start the research project. L has been very patient and supportive, and saw me 3 times over last week, to push me on.... I hope the inertia has been broken, and I will slowly pick up momentum.... It is always good to talk with L. There is so much to talk about, so many readings that we enjoy, so many viewpoints that we share...

Then there is the assignment which is very interesting....if i get the interviews i requested. Will write more about that another time....

This Masters course has been a very good learning journey......

So, although it had been hectic, July did come to a close well.

Lets see what august will bring...... i have already about 5 appointments to meet....and with people whose company is pleasant.....

and lets see how things fall out for the kids as exams closed in...over the next 2-3 months, this is going to be the crux...and i dont want, really dont want to fall into the rut of whipping for results....how to strike that balance is the key.....and this is going to be my preoccupation....teaching is my vocation.... i must keep the values and objectives right in my mind's eye....

Thus ends 31 July 2012....

ramblings.....

over these past few days, 'meeting' people in various means of communication, i dreaded the question, how are you, or what have you been doing....
after pondering, my response is, i am waiting for october to come and go.....

one pause from writing because one has too little to write, or because one has too much to write?

can a machine write? at the moment, i feel somewhat like a machine....result-churning machine....

its not that i despair that i cant churn out results. On the contrary.i know i can.

But at what cost?  And what does result prove? For those who really worked for it, for those who regretted not working, and need a way out, yes, it benefits them.

But for those who dont, whose attitude showed a grasping with minimal effort, better still if no effort at all? i know, its not for me to judge.....my duty, is to do my utmost, for each one, deserving or not.....

sigh......

no point saying anymore....october. set my sight on 31 october. Thats my goal.

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when i can find breathing space, i would like to write on a few threads of thoughts....

one of them is bilingualism. i realised that in some realm of thoughts i much prefer to write in chinese. yet, actually english is the language that seems to be native to me....hmmm......

then the other is art or science; or art and science?

i remembered as a 16 going on to 17 jc kid, the first few economics lecture was dedicated to 'debating' whether economics is an art or science. At that time, seriously, i wanted to say, what is the relevance of such rhetorics? cant we just get on with it? what does it matter if economics is an art or a science? That, i think, is a failing of the system, and myself. Taught as a 'content', the argument is meaningless. And then, for myself, thought was shallow.

That generation is a generation that values science. NUS actually classified economics with the Arts Faculty ( at that time, no FASS). But it has a unique place, in that Science faculty student can read Economics as a Science, and Arts students could read Mathematics as an exception.

I was initially matriculated as a Science faculty student, reading Math, Economics and Computer Science. Yes, i would have been the first batch of students reading Computer Science. mum and dad was proud to know i cleared the aptitude test, which selected only 20% of the applcants.

But, I was dependent on psc for teaching bursary then. And they dictated that I must read English Language, English Literature, (Language and Literature are 2 different subjects and so they should be) Economics or Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry.  I wanted neither combination. Computer Science is not a teaching subject at that time, and 'irrelevant' for teaching. That was also not a modular system then. First year Science student must read 3 subjects, and major in two in third year. No minor for Science students in thrid year. For Arts faculty student, your must read 2 major, and one minor from 2nd year onwards.

After negotiation, I was finally allowed to read English Language, Mathematics and Economics. That put me in a 'rojak' combination. Both Science and Arts faculty didnt 'matriculate' me. Science said I should be in Arts as Econoics and English Lang are Arts. Arts said I should be in Science, as Maths and Econs are the two intersecting subjects between the 2 faculties as they are 'Science'. It was that strange. Bureaucracy.

I finally got an interview with Professor Edwin Thumboo who was the Dean of the Arts Faculty then. I remembered sitting in his office, some 4 weeks after uni term has started as an 'unmatriculated' student. And he looked so formidable! And so he was! He put through a call to psc immediately and asked what they wanted. It seemed the reply was quite immediate as well, and within minutes, it was settled. He was really awesome. I was to matriculate as an Arts Faculty student.

I remembered when some seniors in the Hall got to do know about it, they advised me against it. The 'value' between an Arts Degree and a Science matters alot. I was throwing away what is valued.

I dont know what is valued. But I do know, what I want. I was regretful to give up Computer Science, but the 2 subjects I really wanted to read was Mathematics and Economics. I needed the sponsor, I didnt want to burden my parents to get a loan. They did say i neednt force myself to take the teaching award, they will somehow settle my fees. But i knew that means borrowing. No, I cant have that. 

 I chose to read English Language and in exchange for Eng Lit, I was allowed to read Mathematics. Its not that I do not like English Literature. I do. Alot. But Maths and Economics won the day. At 19, i kept my ideals, but I also knew I must respect the biddings of my sponsors. I was only too grateful that I could continue studying.

 (On a side-note, when I see young people squandering their lives away when they have so much opportunity, it is grievous to me.)

So is Economics an art or a science? What is art? What is science? Why such questions at this time?

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A few years ago, a teacher said proudly to me, teaching is an art, and a science. I looked at this scholar teacher of 5 years or so, destined to be 'leader', and did become some sort of 'leader' (define leader please!) , with some pity, but didnt comment. One learns not to converse with emptiness. There are some that are strangely powerful in vacuuming ideas and discharging it as their own. That is neither an art or a science.

Yes, teaching is an art, and a science. Easy to utter, easy to engage in exposition, and elaboration. But as a teacher, do you know what it means in reality?

Education is a favourite topic for debate and discussion. Everyone has their two cents worth of view, because everyone is a by product of sorts of the 'education system'.  What most do not distinguish is there is the distinct difference between education, system, school, teaching and learning. They are NOT synonomous.

People spend so much time having a fine debate and worse, splashing loads and loads of money into 'programs' in "education" (yes, define!)  for "outcome based" (oh, this is well defined and documented) purposes, but miss the mark of teaching and learning. The latter two elements are stand alone, that may/may not be in a system.

The facilator of learning, the teacher, should master the art and science of his/her craft.  I think in the past, where there are much much less man-designed 'organisation', when people has to 拜师, then the value of teaching may be better perceived and understood. How to bring out the best of each child, how to observe for that invisible development of the mind? How to eleveate the thinking to a higher perspective?

How many teachers, may i ask, view teaching as a craft? Craft? Surely not. Its Career Path that matters! And kpis and pbs of course is very important. Teaching is a profession. We are professionals! Craft? Then there is the other camp of teachers, flogged and cajoled to achieve targets set (for whose benefit?), too besieged by work to have any ponderings about craft? art? science?

To those whose heart is warmer, who had hearkened to the 'higher calling from moe adverts,  of moulding life, and nurturing children, or from a true heart to care, i hope somewhere in your life, you will find meaning and understanding, in teaching in itself as an art, and wherein is it a science.

And  measuring a convolution of 'education otucomes' with figures, statistics and rankings has little bearing to teaching, and learning. 

戏剧，人生

最近，心情一直烦闷。不是外因引起。起初也不大理解为何有一种说不出的伤感。


看电视的戏剧只不过是偶尔消磨时间， 并不是嗜好。去年， 看过“义海豪情”后，勾起很多回忆， 感触万分。

自“义” 后，并没有留下深刻印象的戏剧。 上个礼拜，播新的一部电视剧，起初没注意，但，不知为何总有一种熟悉的感觉，一种难言的感触， 犹如看“义”的情绪和风格。原来，是同一位导演，一位将要退休的李导，经验丰富，善于把内心的境界，很淡然的显出。


戏剧是人生吗？ sk 说妈妈曾说过， 戏剧是人生， 因为戏剧所编出的事故和情景，往往是从现实生活吸取的真实情节。


可能对一个不表达真正内心心语的人，看到心底隐藏的挣扎，反映在戏剧的某个角色，难免有难以形容的情绪。戏中有位主角，为了顾大局，面对困境，承当义务，强硬地抑制心中的悲痛，装不在乎。过后，身体一直有不解的不适，看医生，吃药效果不佳。

医生是友人，为她分析，因她不能面对某事景，长期抑止悲忧，倒致怪病。而她所不能面对的，是怎样解开困扰自己的矛盾。


戏剧能让你看到每个角色的处境，让你体会到每个人的思维。但，在现实生活中，看得到吗？有些人往往替别人着想，所以很多时候是看得到的。但有些人熬不过伤痛的折磨，只能顾到自己，是否会伤害到别人，他们总能以理论来安抚自己, 因为自己的生存是最重要的。


事事顾大局的人，对自己是最不公平。 一个总是说无所谓的人，什么事都撑得住的人， 的确， 是撑得住，但并不是没代价的撑住。

我并没有怨言，也没有以前那种天真的期望。 我坦然的承认，我是非常地失望。 是， 往事是不该回想。 说不想就不存在？是欺人还是欺己？毕竟，那是我人生的一段很长很长的日子。可以这样的把一切抹掉灭迹吗？

有时候我对自己说， 我要有意义地过其余的日子。但，有时候，我的确自问，是这样吗？就这样， 就算了结吗？这个心结何日解？或许，这样对某些人会好过些。

照顾大局，为他人着想，换回来的是永相隔的世面？这是赐给我的判决？谁是最大的受害者，到最终，谁付出的代价最高，大家也心里有数。

戏剧的情节有时被批评无理。实际上，世上很多事更是无理。

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戏剧，人生。人生，戏剧。

所不同的是，人生的大结局，不是编导出来的。每个角色须为结局负责任。

2 July

I know now its past 2 July, but only just finished the second part of the coding  project.... deadline was last friday actually...so need to complete that first.....
it was an unusual day, though i had not expected it to be so....

i knew that i am going to struggle with the coding, made worse by the headache (besieged by migraine the last few days, sigh!).....but when sk asked to accompany her to get stationery, i obliged. First of all, i really respect and admire her spirit and dedication to her new job, which is really a semi voluntary basis...but she really love the special kids she is taking care of...really very admirable. And since it is one of the few days both of us are able to go out, I told myself, put her first.  

It turned out to be one of the very rare heart to heart talk we have..... over mum's last days. I didnt realised she felt guilty after more than 2 years......that we had sent mum back to hospital, and that day turned out to be her second last day... yes, i did remember that day 7 Feb well...and the event then, I was thankful that i could let the words flow in this blog...

Was it a rite decision? True, that was not what i wanted then.....but i fully understand why they thought it best to send her back to Mt E. I didnt remember B2 asking her if its because she didnt want mum to die at her place. But I am very certain that, that was NEVER the issue. Hurting question. Actually a cruel question.

Even if it was true, so? Who did most for mum? Not people who asked piercing questions. Its people who have been constant over years when others can always 'so reasonably' excused themselves for long stretches of absence. sk had always wanted to have mum with her, but mum chose to stay at rv....prob because of me. But finally, mum went to sk, and in having mum there at the final phase, she knew what was in stall, and she spared no effort. 

There is no question that we wanted the best for mum. What is best, who knows? But by that time, sk was at cracking point, the strain was too much for her. And bil also said that every moment in the nite, they worry whether they could give mum the help when she needed, and would hospital be the better place to help her. The intent was definitely good. The conflict is because no one knows what is the best decision, and everyone would feel what they think is best. I remembered full well what i felt then, but made the final decision in consideration for the welfare of all. Ironic, that the youngest should made the decision for 4 older siblings.

In a way, we also knew that trip  'shortened' her days, but by how many? And would it had been better? I reminded sk what the head nurse said to us, at mum's passing...that she looked peaceful, which is true, and she had so many of us with her. That she didnt go through the many painful phases, like vomiting of blood...which i had been forewarned may happen. For the first time, I told sk what the doctors had warned me of the various scenarios which i did not tell her....and on hindsight, it was the less painful way for mum...her threshold for suffering and pain is really not high, and her fears many....

 I felt very bad that sk should still be tormented by the circumstances....because mum had told her she was scared, and she didnt want to die....Like i had analysed many many months ago, somehow, we always feel we never did enough for mum....there is a kind of 'child-like' dependence on us...and yet, she had also been quite a forceful character in our lives....and had caused alot of unhappiness that had impacted our lives irreparably....

actually, if we should feel bad, it should be over dad....and to this day, i feel bad....but circumstances at that time didnt allow me to do alot....

the lesson both of us learnt is that we will make it much easier for those who may see us to our end. I told sk, the things that i did to give mum the impression that i would be fine, that i can be independent and carry on with things so that she need not worry about me, which she really believed that, I was somehow attached, and would be fine..... and all that i did to prepare  for the event of eventuality....and how hard it was when it came...not that i could say that much...and not that sk will understand....we are very differente....actually, at some point, it was so hard... too hard to carry on.....

looking back, i really dont know how i walked through that tunnel....the mercies of the Lord....and the kindness and warmth of friends at nushs....thats why nushs will always be special to me....

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when i was stepping out of the house to meet sk, at the gate, balancing on the handle was a small 'pussy' sleeping in a basket, my new 'toy'....with a note 'thank you ms sie'....i couldnt believe it...it was really a very sweet thingy.... yes, i figure out who it came from, and confirmed my guess....

the total unexpectedness, and most of all, the thoughtfulness made this pussy very special to me.....thank you....

and later in the afternoon, the visit of the kids turned out better than i had expected. Its youth day, so they are free, and wanted to drop in, and i hadnt seen this group for some time...., when i see kids, my kids, i only want to see them well, developed to their potential, and be happy...., childhood, teenage years, growing years are the formative years...and i would wish they would be the best they can be, and be as happy as they can be....

yes, each time i see the kids, i realised i do miss them.... may they grow, blossom, and attain to full fruition.....

as one generation walked into the twilight years, we would hope to pass the light on to another generation to live their life well and pass on to yet another generation....

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at the end of each day, this day, i remain thankful  and contented. yes, to live each day with minimum regret, and hopefully, to the benefit of others .... i would wish i could do more....but i think, i did do my best....and would hope to continue to do so, until the end of my pilgrimage.....

i didnt expect the day to turn out this way, and it is good.....at least both of us finally said some of the things we could not bring ourselves to say....

and it is good to see the the new 'pussy' and to see the kids....