updates of sorts....

had wanted to write on a few thread of thoughts that are more philosophical........but time is running out for my assignment...which i still hadnt wrote a word...still conjuring and weaving it in my mind....

and some not so good new just crashed in....of a young lady, who had not had life easy from young, now in her thirties suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 ca .... and set me on another mind's journey....

apart from the education 'complex scenario', the other issue that can bring me into a painful maze is the medical 'system' here....more than 2 years ago, when mum passed on, i had written, of doctors, i will write another time....and i didnt...because it was still too painful then....

I wont now, because i havent the time....and it still hurts....but i will someday...maybe writing it will help...
=================================================

this national day break has been helpful. I didnt write anything about the day itself...i guess, again alot of thoughts. But yes, I was relieved that lky is still in relative good health. It isnt that i have no issues, but things must be seen in perspectives. There is alot that we owe to his leadership. More than we realise.

Had another good interview on Friday. Beginning to enjoy interviewing people you dont know but who can share so much insights in their area of expertise, from different angles. Also took the opportunity to drop by cpf, and have settled some loose ends that had been weighing heavily on my mind. 'loose end' sounds 'loose', but actually it is a weighty matter that will see to things.... i dont take alot of things for granted....who knows what a day will bring....and its good that i have clarity of mind after months of ponderings....
==================================================

Had remedial on sat morning, and was pleasantly surprised that the optional open consultation session drew nearly 30 kids. Seeing them in the canteen working on for 3 hours was gratifying. Its the process that I want to see them grind through. Even just the discipline of getting out of bed, getting out of the house, and working on an area that is tough for them. And not because they have to. Because they want to. This process must be applied in life's journey...to take responsibility for ourselves...and work for it.....Hope they keep up the momentum.

===============================================
unwellness and discomfort are slowly easing. Hopefully the stress of the next ten weeks will be well managed. Am more conscious of a 'healthy' lifestyle....so more water, more greens, and hopefully more walks! ld walked nearly  1.5 hours with me yesterday. :) Good for both of us!

Hopefully, by the time i next update, i would have made some progress with the assignment. Actually all the ingredients are almost there....its just the brewing....and i need to get out of this stupor and get started....someone said to me, u are miss c, u can do it. sigh...i wish i am that certain.... but i am ms c.  i must do it!

8 August

Today is one of the very few days in my life that I really feel very happy.
In a way I did expect it to be a good day. First of all, it was the day of the interview that I secured from Julia Gabriels Centre. When I first wrote in, I was trying my luck. And not very sure where it would get me. And the to and fro did stretch awhile. But when the gentleman, Mr Mark rang to fix it up, I was so happy! I really wanted to share my sense of elation then, and at that moment, I understand why fb can seem so convenient. I was surprised that my single statement, Yea, i got my first field interview, should receive so many encouraging response. And yes, i did need encouragement. Very badly actually.

So today was the day of the interview. It was also a day where I would be meeting up with nice people for lunch, and later for tea. But I was worried a little about the interview.

It turned out so well, far beyond my expectations. Not only did i gleaned all the information I needed and more, Mr Mark was also very generous with rich supporting resources which he emailed me after the interview. He took the trouble to email 3 times each covering a different aspect. And he also made a request to the school where he conducts the education program and obtained information for me to attend it as an observer next week. It was truly too good to be true! The generiosity, openness to sharing, professionalism, and warmth in education aspect is something that is not often seen in local education scene. To be honest, I didnt expect it, as I knew they were very successful in their specialised enterprise, and there is no need to entertain me. I was really over the moon!

=====================================================
Then lunch with  good company, which is rare for me nowadays. Either i skip lunch or it is I, me and myself for company. :)

I looked forward to tea. xxx is my favourite company and it had been quite awhilse since we last had a good chat. There is a comfort level, a kind of commonality. One of the very few, i can be myself. And one of the very few that always understand my ideals in education. A good listener. Very considerate and one that goes the extra mile. Except with ld in our very regular catchup, I rarely go into details over happenings, always conscious of being brief so as not to bore others. With xxx, I can relate events in detail naturally. I guess a good listener appreciates another good listener.
So, i did expect it would be a good time. But it was more than that. xxx chanced upon this place with colleagues yesterday, and thought i should be acquainted with the place, seeing it is not far from me. I am not adventurous, and hardly move out of my comfort zone. And yes, I did like it very much!

I love the sea. Seeing the vast expanse stretched to the horizon, where the sky and sea meets....the rocks....the waves.....nature dominates more than any man-made structure is so rare.....I cant describe what seeing that view did to my soul. There was a sense of  restfulness, that sense of release from the hustle bustle, that sense of serenity, a sense of refreshing.  Saw a huge monitor lizard, about 2 feet long or more? And it was quite at home, obviously certain it would be safe despite these homo sapiens around!

That three hours there was almost like taking a break from "civilisation". It is one of the moments of quietude and joy that is comforting. One of those special moments that is inexplicable, irreplicable, and which one cherish.

It is very rare to have such a good day, almost perfect. I am content! :D Thanks so much!

Dream vs Plan II

today is the last session of the last module i have enjoyed most, and this being the last module, it is really good that it should be the best. I remembered the very first module which is the next best that I enjoyed. And I have to admit, more than anything else, the reason why these 2 modules will remain so special to me, is because through them, I traced that inward cry within myself from a child....
at some point today, i asked myself, am i really not part of the 'Plan'? When i perceived so much difference in the way she conducted the module, that liberty of spirit, i really have to conclude the most important factor is, she is not brought up in this country, in this system.

And that couple could talk of their dream, because they left the 'planned route' here, and took the path to US to find their dream... i am too 'rooted'....and being part of the system, i have also pointed to this 'established route' to my kids....who dares recommend alternative pathways? Whether it is 'asian' vague manifestation of 'feudalism' i.e obeying authorities unquestioningly, or the constant nigger of 'economic survival' above all else, the path of 'success' is cast in a fixed structured planned manner. And if you dont take that, you end up with nothing very much.

To break free seems to be only for those more talented than others, who can find a niche. Otherwise even if you are 'high-ability', without that 'qualification' , the path is likely to reach a dead end. Hence we always give 'dead end' advice, to avoid dead end. 

And so ingrained is it in our system, that we dont realise how insidiously the 'Plan' structured for us by the education pathway has fixed our mind and route.....sigh....deep sigh....

=========================================================

today, i learnt about "aspiring"....it came across really refreshing......

at the end of the module, i felt i really had to have a few words with her...and i walked back to 'catch' her just as she stepped out.....

that short conversation, probably less than 5 minutes, made me happy....very happy.....had wanted to seek her views and advice over a matter..... i didnt expect her to be negative, probably wanted to know her reservations, if any.  Didnt expect her spontaneous response, that was so affirmative, so encouraging, not once, not twice but assuringly a few times.

Felt really like a kid for that moment....i cherished that moment..... partly because i dont remember  having that feeling of exhiliration and joy that a kid would wish for, from an adult.....

and also partly because, it is momentary, and unlikely to come true.... dreams never came true for me in any way in my life.... and whilst there was a momentary 'aspiration'.... i know i lack the will and determination to do it for myself......so i cherish the moment though fleeting and transient....

But i am contented and happy that there is someone who believes in me.....totally didnt plan the conversation, totally didnt expect the outcome...it makes the joy real. i didnt fulfil alot of  things for myself, but its good to know, i could, if i want....

and it is the perfect end to the coursework of this Masters course. I am glad, very glad, i embarked on it, not for the status, but for the learning...and learn i did, immensely. And though i have taken the much tougher route in dissertation and will take a longer time, I am glad i have kept my values and beliefs and it had also given me the impetus to break out  of the structure to find more meaning through this uncertain pathway....

and  somehow the song, somewhere over the rainbow, floats into my mind.....

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a starAnd wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon dropsAway above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Inspiring

i am really tired, but i must write to capture what i learnt today...

yes, its a very long time since i can say i am inspired by someone....but today, i really am.

not only were the session very informative, new and interesting, two things stood out.....

==============================================

First of all, she clearly knew her content well. Not regurgitation, not 'picking' up from somewhere else, someone else...and joining them to make a  'presentation'....have seen too many of these over the past few years....

There is alot of difference between true quality and academic effort ...actually a world of difference.

Reading, both the breadth and depth is always very important. But the richness is brought forth when this is discussed in the light of one's experience both in understanding the crux of the material, and more importantly, they were not merely theories, (or applied once or twice and cited as 'experience') ~ one can only draw on insights and enhance the perspectives for otheres only when it is really one's genuine concern and field of practice.

Thats why i sometimes detest sessions that one 'shares' what one 'learns' from wherever, workshops, conference, seminars and what have you.... first of all, i really doubt if it has been assimilated by the 'sharer' who may be instructed to share. 

For those that need to build profile, it is a good opportunity to increase exposure time to inform others of how much one 'knows'. Very often (actually most of the time)  'big ideas'  'shared' are borrowed, but source rarely acknowledged.  As long as one 'agrees' that it is 'good', is good enough reason to promote it.

And often after the 'so-called' sharing, the materials (copied but beautified) are thrown aside, relegated to obscurity,  to pick up more up-to-date fads. I know people actually hold workshops from 'ideas' picked up, or from a one or two-off tries... chalatanism of various shades....like chameleon.

Actually, i never dared to do any 'educational sharing' until past 20 years of teaching. And even then, every session (not more than 10 thus far), i never felt good. Because each time i do so, i really wished for the effect to be long-lasting, but felt i failed. I really felt i didnt meet that mark, and did not convey it well, though, they are my life lessons as an educator. I lack that refinement, that effective communication to adults.....and that is one of my failures....

So, yes, i have alot of reservations with academics. To learn well, the learner must take ultimate responsibility.

But to be inspired, it does not depend on the learner but on the teacher/lecturer, and it has got to be someone who can honestly breathe and share the content from one's true experience and reflections. I was really inspired. The glimpses she gave us of her professional training was really very impressive.

Actually, this is the second module that i took under her. The first I was very cautious because of certain personal factors. But of all the modules, i enjoyed the design of her assignment most...and it was also my best subject. I thought it was chance factor. But I realised by today, that actually, yes, a well-designed course, thoughtful facilitation and giving room for creativity and personal space is really critical.

=======================================
Apart from her professional work and many anecdotes of true experience and considerations, and the many actual research done in the field of education in support of her delivery.....the second factor that stood out was in her service.

Her love in her work is so evident from the way she delivered her content, and she was not merely an advocate, but within her realm, she initiated many small scale but sustainable voluntary projects to reach out to the underserved, and has spread her love (of reading in particular) to so many young children, with the view of developing them.

Its that intangible part that left a deep impression....

a few things, she said....

good intentions count........

dabrowski's highest level: self-actualization needs to take it a step further...... to meaningfulness....and she demonstrated that in ensample. Not mere platitude......she showed it with actions....and in such a fluid, creative, unobstrusive yet quietly powerful manner....

yes inspiring...

==================================

i dont have the energy nor the intelligence and focus that she has..... but it reminded me that one just need to love what one's doing, and to keep that fire burning in small ways......

this module far far exceeds my expectations....its such a pleasure.....and reminded me of so many things i love, reading, writing, creativity, doing something for the underserved....and to press on, no matter

it is really a very enriching learning phase....many many thanks to her....and she just received her letter of promotion yesterday, which we all rejoiced for her.....really well-deserved!

Dreams vs Plan

Started my last module which I must say I enjoyed immensely though it is an intensely compacted course over these three days. I felt invigorated by the many thought-provoking issues wrt principles, ideals and practices, and exchange of viewpoints and perspectives of many education issues.

Planning for the assignment alone is going to be a mammoth task, but actually, this has been the part I enjoy most in the course. It is through doing the assignment, that you have to plough through the readings, analyse the content, distil the inner voice within oneself, and ask, what does it mean to me? actually i spend alot more time to search for myself in the maze, than in being practical, i just want to live out my dream in my assignments.....

I especially enjoyed the company of my coursemates especially now in my lone walk to complete what i set out to do for this year....

Alot of thoughts over alot of things.....

===========================================

Read about the demise of Dr Lim Hock Siew in the ST today. I vaguely remembered him from my childhood days, for his imprisonment without trial, for 18 years...it was a generation that stood true to their beliefs....and did so, in their ideology to do good....courageous and simple.... and yes, i agree... the wrong was never put right.....

though there were issues of security that may need laws that i did not understand....but to take 18 years of a person's life, for ideological difference and perceived threats.......its very sad....more than sad.....

the article also depict an ensample of what a true medical doctor should be, care for the poor, care for the sick...wherever he was, even in prison....

i worry, when i see the hordes of medical students and young doctors at hospitals...the way some carry themselves...they dont realise their body language, their demeanour speak volumes....

and when we lose truly a truly good doctor, that did not go into medical for fame or money...... it is really sad......

Good  courageous man of this calibre is probably extinct in Singapore....we have lost a patriot, not nationally recognised, but who has in his way, cared for the welfare of the poor of the nation...

==============================================

Read this article shared over fb, and whilst my pathway is very different, there are alot of sentiments shared that one can identify with.....

Paved With Good Intentions, by Colin & Yen | visakan veerasamy.  

Really very good read. And for me the key statement, of many many that resonates within my own mind, is
"But living one’s dreams is difficult because it is a lone undertaking. "

In this, i have always walked alone. Perhaps, i was from a different generation, and was always an independent thinker. And yes, i questioned status quo all the time.

I had taken paths to fulfil obligations and responsibilities, and that was a distinct clear choice. I would not do otherwise in most instances. But, i was glad, i was never fettered by any 'Plan" conjured by societal 'branding of success'.  In fact, those that live, and many that be that do live in its shackles, however 'successful' they may be, is a very poor soul indeed....for all the attainment to position, control and material gains..........

Had alot more thoughts actually, but for now, it suffices.... i hope this couple updates on the dreams they have paved over the last ten years....we really need more originality like this....

updates....

its been quite some time....

alot to update in the sense of alot of thoughts. Not in the sense of alot of happenings.

This is midway thru april. completed one module, and actually the last 'nite' module. In some sense, it has been a relatively easier path than i had initially thought. Perhaps crashing 4 modules last sem took the weight. Am sure i wont do well for this module. Made a serious mistake in assignment. Was perturbed about it for some time. It shouldnt have happened. Not going to give reasons/excuses.

I remembered ht reminding me to set my priorities rite in March, to remember why i chose to do part-time, mainly for this masters. But when it come to the crux, i guess.... well...anyway thats over. One last 3 day module over june with the corresponding heavyweight assignment....then really no more structure....my own 'flight' or 'crawl' in the dissertation....o well, lets see...

==========================
sch has stabilised alot...even the long journey seems ok now. hope to spend more time with the kids the next 2 weeks....

when people asked me if i had problem adjusting... actually...apart from the distance, and the initial settling in, the teaching process remains a happy one for me....except it is much slower to see progress....but i really believe it will come. Its going to get more intense as it builds toward the main exams end oct/early nov.

To be honest, this is what i didnt like... focusing on an exam system....but at least it is an objective system of measure, without which how does one know competency before the next phase? i suppose a necessary evil...and the motivating factor for them....i just want to help the kids tide through with more options...

alot of things to re-think.... but the truth is, there is no 'perfect' system...

=========================
T n B havent been well.... and they can be so moody....tummy unwell...sneezing...dripping nose...coughing.....

they get so moody... vacillating from needing so much attention...to isolation and hibernation.... o well... just be there for them....

Brownee was coughing for a couple of minutes a few days ago....tiger came up to see her.... and he really looked concern, and went over to clean her face.... its nice to see, that even with animals, there is that love for siblings....its sweet...

========================
got a camcorder today....preparation for getting my research data when i finally get started... its really a step up for me in technology!

The good thing over this time is, i may feel unsettled or disappointed, but i dont feel distressed or upset ( except over T n B) over work or study. There is nothing new under the sun, and everything is vanity of vanities.

Perhaps its age. Perhaps its seeing things from a different perspective. Perhaps its less intense cos, i suppose there is a distancing, and not being so involved.

Whatever, headaches have reduced significantly, at most once or twice a week, and usually settled by a single panadol. This is a big gain. Having at least 6-7 hours of sleep is obviously very helpful.

=========================
quite a few of the kids hae passed out from being recruits in ns. had wanted to go for thier POP, but a variety of factors intertwined, and i didnt.... i did want to....see them growing to manhood...

and they all got their posting and another phase begin for them. looking back...its more than 4 years with them...whatever anxieties for each of them, each must grow through the tough times... in some ways, i view them like Tn B....and as they grow up, i also realise there is little that i can do for them.... its like seeing fledgins leaving their nests.... they must fly.... and soar....

i guess, the only little thing i can do, is to be there, when they need that little chat, that little pat....and to be able to do that.... i am contented.

This lot has really been the special ones in my life, when i came out of the long tunnel...and they have brought a lot of joy to my life with their genuineness, unpretnetiousness, and spontaneity. i am content.

I hope each and every one of them will rough it up, grow up, and be safe and in due time, contribute to society for the next generation.

other philosophical thoughts...but will write on other posts....

end of march....

there are alot of things i want to write..... but energy is really lacking....

April is going to be 'the' month....starting with monday, which i have taken leave of all present commitments to do the project with L. Thankfully, the preparation at my end did not take as long as I thought it would, though i really was given very little time....whatever, monday is going to be a 'new' experience, though again thankfully, my part should only be less than 30 minutes....however this episode could be a precursor to a future route..... which though remote, it is not entirely out of sight.

then, the start of the other project....which i didnt wriggle out...sigh...

and a third one....which my 2 "No"'s still end in limbo.... and i was supposed to submit a brief biography which is a kind of cv....honestly, all i want to write, is i love learning and teaching. That in itself is my greatest qualification. But most people, are looking for what fantastic uni you come from, and what titles you hold, what awards you get....

i was thinking of something just now, and was shaking my head to myself, and involuntarily the words came out, i cant stand systems. And almost the same moment, Ms Heng's words came to me, "SH, you are always looking for a system." When Ms Heng said that to me, she was the age I am now. Is this a age wisdom? I do see her perspective better now....

...yet, i have also seen things in the course of my life, that are without systems, but vested in persons. When the person(s) is gone, the good work died along. I saw that 20 years ago. Thereafter, whatever i do, I do vest them in a 'system', so that even after i leave, it should carry on for some time. But I have also learnt, that as long as there is no person with equivalent vision, understanding and drive (in order of importance) to carry on, it cant be maintained.

What is needed is a system for structure, and, with it, astuteness and wisdom to make exceptions. But how do you measure the last 2 elements? That brings to question: Are leaders born, or nurtured?

Or who makes a better leader, one with a big heart, or one with a 'big' mind?

My contention is: if you really have a big mind, you actually would have a big heart. Hence, the second 'big' in the above statement is in quote mark. Pseudo 'big'.

===========================================
So....

With 3 projects that are not in the main flow of my regular events, thats really alot...

Then, in my 'main' flow of events, i got a 70% assignment due in 2 weeks for my second last module. Thankfully i completed the presentation last nite for the 15% assessment part. And no, i got nothing done wrt my dissertation. Sigh. That stupid stray event!!!!

And at school end.... the duties and responsibilities come in much heavier this month... why did i agree to it? If i say, its for ideals, its for my dream of nurturing the next generation of teachers, hoping to have many more that will pass on the baton, does it make sense? Taking on responsibilities, without status and title, is always deemed crazy.... but that is what i have been doing in most places anyway....

And with that, have to work on a scale beyond just an institute....i will take every opportunity where helping teachers are concern....if you impact them, they impact many more.... what i have no energy to do in time to come, they can continue...

=====================================
i am tired. i really am... But how much teaching life have i got. I asked myself aloud that day, and there were 2 students with me for remedial, one of them said, 20 years? I was quite touch, but i said, No, i dont have that long more.... i must pass on.... in that, the sense of urgency is real.

So, its going to be a very tough April....
========================================
And for the kids here, i feel more and more for them. sometimes, they would come up and tell you they didnt do their work or they cant do etc. U can be impatient and scold them. Esp when u know attitude is not good in the first place. But, if u really take time to listen, there are so many reasons behind....divorce, family member in jail.....

I have learnt one thing for a long time, through my own life. It is not enough to care, and be 'dedicated' and 'committed'. You must engage their mind. Get them to learn, to achieve a higher thinking platform. Its from there that they can drive themselves forward. Heart and mind must be engaged both in the learning and teaching....lately there have been more who really have more shine in their eyes in class.... and expressedly said so....i really hope i have sufficient time to make a difference before they take the Os at the end of the year...

Now tell me about needing funds for 'innovative' teaching!!! Get your basics right first!

:::(((

cant meet deadline.... :::((((( Stumped by adminstrative labyrinth of chicken and egg procedures...

Deep sigh.....and frustration.....

Moral of story:

1) Prioritise. Focus.

Probably the most difficult... especially prioritising this above others... :(

2) Last minute IS IMPOSSIBLE.... Not for work of this magnitude....YOU SHOULD KNOW!!!!

3) Do your own check...by now you SHOULD KNOW that...especially administrative procedures and red tapes... Really should have check the procedure out on my own. Sigh! It isnt that I didnt intend to.....but the start of the year really went awry....i took too long to get back into the frame....

Ok. Must focus from now on. Less time for data collection but not impossible still to target within timeframe .... FOCUS and get the DRIVE to PUSH IT THROUGH!!!

motivating....

Had not met up with my lecturer cum supervisor for a few weeks, chiefly because, well, i didnt progress much. Actually didnt progress at all.

Thankfully, set up a forced meeting today. It wasnt a long chat, but it was refreshing and motivating. She reminded me of all the reasons (which i really forgot) why i need to complete my dissertation asap. It is actually really possible cos the proposal framework is actually quite sound and original and the design is also on the right track. I jus need to polish up and send for clearance and begin the process. In that short space of time, it was like a translation to a different plateau of thought altogether.

I must say, this gives impetus and some 'direction'. Relieve to have some change of mood and frame of mind. I really didnt expect it, as all I saw was well, nothing very positive.

And i finished and submitted part of an assessment requirement for my module, produced my first video, and U tube (haha, i am high tech now!!!). To be honest, i completed it just a few hours before deadline. But I still did it!

Lesson to learn: KEEP POSITIVE!!!!

Not a good day. Hate having to drive from one end to another. Today, I took all the expressways I have never driven before: KJE, SLE, TPE, BKE....and those I had, PIE, KPE. Sigh, I dont like driving much.

Was really stressed and wished I wont be so obliging....came back, open the letter box, and there was one for me. From NIE.

YES! My dissertation proposal is approved! Within less than a week! Actually, the letter was dated 3 days after I submitted. That was really unexpected. I remembered the kids saying NTU replies so much faster than the other local unis. I must say I am impressed. Now one more admin hurdle, with MOE, then I can start the data collection.

And the deadline for completion? June 2014!

The problem with dissertation is, it is an arduous journey. Had I done by course work, I woud have completed this sem. It would be the easy way out. But, both lecturers who value education process felt I should embarked on the proper research journey. The fastest I can complete is within a year, if there are no hitches, and I read and worked very hard. I am going to do that. :)

One week into 2012

One week into 2012. I have to admit I feel sad. Very. Whether I show or not, I am. Of course, I didnt show.

In all that I do, I put my whole being in. I dont know how not to. It is true, in life, we have our favourites. People say we shouldnt. But thats not possible. Favouritism is only wrong if it leads to biasness, and neglecting of others.

So every child is important. And I feel it for each one of them, as and when I know of their pathway. Rejoicing with them in their joys; and feeling their pain in their downsittings. I looked forward to every news of each of my kids...

at this moment, there is a well of sadness...

======================================================

at my own end, things have been pleasant. settled in well in the new place. The people I have to communicate with were all nice, and respectful. When issues were raised, the positive approach, receptiveness and immediate responses took me by surprise. So, despite the long travelling, it really was pleasant. Definitely much better than I have expected, and i am grateful.

Kids, are always lovable in their own way. Every child is important. So, whatever the differences in traits or content, the heart of teaching remains what it is. To nurture. To educate.

=====================================================

Direction for dissertation is begin to be clearer. I must say my lecturer cum supervisor, L, is very 'on'. We have already met twice for over 4 hours, and she is definitely pushing me into deep reading. Her drive and passion is very motivating. The problem is I have difficulty matching up... ultimately I am always distracted by teaching and kids.

But, I would have to insulate myself more and focus. It is not merely trying to complete the Masters in the shortest period ie within this year. It also may set the pathway for things ahead. Discipline is not my strength. Partly because I cant do things for myself. That is not sufficient motivation for me. And for personal 'glory' or achievement is also meaningless. I have to try to see that the project could well turn out to be meaningful for the education profession. Actually it is, or could be. Whatever. I must.

I am thankful that both L and tls are supportive and have been guiding me closely. This is quite unusual for me, since that is the role I usually play. So, I really must get myself into higher gear.

===============================================
I wish I had not commit myself to so many miscellaneous tasks. Although it all has to do with teaching, the approaches are so diverse. O well, I suppose at the end, I hope to find my direction...or at least rule out what I know I definitely would not want.

ssh, must really get organised, and buck up....===============================================

and i hope, i really hope all would be well....

Results

After every module, I would figure out a range of 3 grades (high, mid, low) I could get. In the first sem, for the first 2 modules, i hit the mid-grade of my expectations for both. That was ok, after all, I have no idea whatsoever of the standard. For the second sem, I did 4 modules, so that was quite challenging.

Checked my result at 0810, and yes, it is finally out. For 2 modules, i got the high expected grade, and for 2 modules, I got the low expected grade. I have to say, I was disappointed. Quite. I guess, because I put in alot more effort for the ones I didnt do as well.

The irony is, for the one that I got the 'high' grade with the exam component, I was so busy with marking exam papers etc and other stuff in school, honestly i hardly studied. And i did not do well for the quiz, so I kind of just try to get by, hoping I would not hit the grade with the same pronunciation as my name. To get the 'high' grade, I would need to score almost full marks. I really didnt expect to get it so really i should be happy. Somehow, I cant say I am. Sigh, this is really an anticlimax.

When there are 'good' news and 'bad' news, the impact of the 'bad' always over-rides the 'good'. Or is it me? I guess, how one feels is proportionate to how much heart one puts in, and the corresponding expectations.

Its not to say, I hadnt done fairly ok. Cap is still above 4, which is supposed to be good for post-grad, not to say, i have not studied for more than 2 decades and managing four modules amidst teaching is really a feat.

But, I am still very disappointed.

There is a very remote possibility of pursuing an academic path. This somehow make me feel, perhaps, I am really not cut out for academics.

O well..... sigh!

Completed

Yes, i managed to complete the literature review, and submitted on the dot online 5pm, but the hard copy was 45 minutes late into her pigeon hole.

too tired and dazed to write further.

This is to keep record: yes, i completed the final work to round off the semester of 4 modules. I am so thankful to make it! And most of all, to have really learnt from it.

Was surprised to get an email feedback for one of my module assignment. I sometimes think, one learns more, by realising what one lacked, than that one has fulfilled all the criteria to perfection. I am grateful for her perceptive remarks. That had enhanced my learning.

And for those kind souls that are concern, thanks! :)

thoughts on friends...

yes, one module down...and one more essay to go. exam was much better than expected. Its just i hadnt done as well as i should for the essay etc. Well, at least i hope i should be able to avert a grade that sounded like my name.

probably i had been nostalgic, but in particular today, i thought of friends. first of all, i am very grateful to the coursemate who by sharing, had encouraged me to study. I am not a person that can do things for myself, or to prove myself for the sake of it. I dont see the point. Thats why i never go far in achievement, not that i have that much ability.

But i respond to kindness. And like everyone else, encouragement. To have a friend, you must first be a friend. It works both ways. This past week was really hard, and I was really giving up, especially cos of the prolong nagging head.

I realised how different it is to run a race when someone pace you. Actually running is a lonely sport, but it is the only sport i liked. Not that i run anymore. Not that I even take a walk anymore.
========================
continuing with thoughts of friends....

things have been very different since dc and sy left. But there is one that has been such a faithful, loyal companion, and a marvellous help and support ~ ld. I am really going to miss the times we do so many things together, and talk about so many things in teaching. He is so keen to learn, so attentive to listen, and will imbibe so many teaching points. Honestly I am amazed that he remained so alert, so enquiring. I thought he should get bored by now, or feel he knows it all, but he isnt. Most of all, he is very very considerate, and in subtle ways.

A bond sealed by common principles and values is that that would last. I am fully aware that he feel very sad for the impending change. I told him, he will remain my friend for life. He has really been most special. The pang and sadness felt is inevitable. I suddenly thought, must take a photo with him. I hate photos, but this is special. Actually, i 'adopted' him after we knew that I started teaching the year he was born.

To this special BIG kid, this wonderful large hearted kind soul, my SUPER best friend ~ my heartfelt thanks.

==============================
there is one or two that i blocked out. I remembered sy telling me, you wont be hurt if you dont care, and dont regard the person as a friend. It was hard, but i learnt. alot come back to me at this time. but I will block them out.

the atm i use always display a quote. Today the quote displayed was by Abraham Lincoln

"Nearly all man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

I thought how true.

========================

and he sent some more notes!

seriously what a very nice chap!!!

He contributed the answers to every question he had shared, and sent it to both of us for feedback! I am too whacked to do anything now, but seeing this email gives me impetus to give him feedback as well (after I have slept!) as try harder for the exam later today (its now thursday, alas, and no i had other things to complete, so didnt get down to study. sigh!).

u can come across many not nice people, but one very nice one more than make up for it! :)

kids are the most innocent. they are the ones that will ask directly, how do you know?

honestly, i cant explain how i know. but i know. i just sensed it.

i remembered one student wrote very very long ago, how it intrigued them that i always seem to know what was happening, what they were thinking.

apart from it being an innate perception, that is inexplicable, long years of being in peculiar situations, and that from young, sharpened insights. It is bemusing to see the way people masked their intent in various forms.

altho actually not so amusing if they were people that you had helped. Sad. Quite sad. But that was not unexpected either. One had hoped for changes, for better things. Kindness does not always beget kindness. Much less respect.

there are few, very very few that truly seek for the good of others. Is that new?

====================================

Define values.

At best, one can only impart what one has. whatever one has. At best.
Silence is indeed golden.

=======================================
Only 2 other of my coursemates are doing the course part-time, like me, and struggling to cope.

One of them emailed this morning, sharing reference that would be of help to forthcoming exam tomorrow. He is the one that is doing well and best among the 3 of us. He felt all the more he should help us, though he is also buried under work.

its always very refreshing to see humanity and receive unsolicited kindness.

think of the things that are pure, that are lovely, that are of good report....

that was a silver lining.

...thinking about thinking...

My essay topic will be about thinking; thats my choice. ok, what about thinking? How do you define, distinguish between critical thinking, creative thinking, higher order thinking, problem solving? Are they the same? Ok think about it.

===================================
I read this article twice, and both times, the same passage struck me. I quote:

" Wisdom is the use of one's knowledge and skills for a common good, by balancing one's own with other people's and larger interests, over the long as well as short terms, through the infusion of positive ethical values. Wise people make an effort to understand other people's points of view and to take those points of view into account in their thinking (Sternberg, 2003).

When one observes failed leaders, one rarely find that they failed because they were stupid. More often, they fail because they are uncreative. But even more often, they fail because they are smart but unwise; in other words, they are foolish.

Failed leaders tend to show a cluster of fallacies in thinking. These fallacies include
(a) unrealistic optimism - the belief that just because they have an idea, it must be a good idea that will succeed on implementation;

(b) egocentrism - the belief that the world revolves round them;

(c) false omniscience - the belief that they know it all;

(d) false omnipotence - the illusion that they are all powerful;

(e) false invulnerability - the belief that they, like Superman cannot be harmed (except, perhaps, by the elusive kryptonite bullet); and

(f) ethical disengagement- the belief that ethics are important for other people but not for themselves.

excerpt from "From Intelligence to Leadership: A Brief Intellectual Autobiography" Robert J. Sternberg, Gifted Child Quarterly 2011, 55, 309-312

============================================
My thoughts to the above:

(a) amazing that the characteristics should be so universal.
(b) would any of such leaders know/believe they are 'failed'?
(c) for those who would be leaders, do take note that these observations are real. If you really aspire to be a leader, you would need to consider the antithesis of the above of what would make a wise and good leader. And live them. Not study as a theory.
(d) and if you dont have what it takes, dont be a leader, and cause misery to others.

Like it or not, leadership and intelligence (not the lack of it) are closely correlated. The above is couched in a rather polite theory of fallacies. If one wants to be blunt, one can reduce each of the above belief to adjectival characteristics. I am tempted to turn the above into a 'calling a spade a spade' vocabulary exercise just for entertainment.

But I digress...i have to get my essay out......