Dream vs Plan II

today is the last session of the last module i have enjoyed most, and this being the last module, it is really good that it should be the best. I remembered the very first module which is the next best that I enjoyed. And I have to admit, more than anything else, the reason why these 2 modules will remain so special to me, is because through them, I traced that inward cry within myself from a child....
at some point today, i asked myself, am i really not part of the 'Plan'? When i perceived so much difference in the way she conducted the module, that liberty of spirit, i really have to conclude the most important factor is, she is not brought up in this country, in this system.

And that couple could talk of their dream, because they left the 'planned route' here, and took the path to US to find their dream... i am too 'rooted'....and being part of the system, i have also pointed to this 'established route' to my kids....who dares recommend alternative pathways? Whether it is 'asian' vague manifestation of 'feudalism' i.e obeying authorities unquestioningly, or the constant nigger of 'economic survival' above all else, the path of 'success' is cast in a fixed structured planned manner. And if you dont take that, you end up with nothing very much.

To break free seems to be only for those more talented than others, who can find a niche. Otherwise even if you are 'high-ability', without that 'qualification' , the path is likely to reach a dead end. Hence we always give 'dead end' advice, to avoid dead end. 

And so ingrained is it in our system, that we dont realise how insidiously the 'Plan' structured for us by the education pathway has fixed our mind and route.....sigh....deep sigh....

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today, i learnt about "aspiring"....it came across really refreshing......

at the end of the module, i felt i really had to have a few words with her...and i walked back to 'catch' her just as she stepped out.....

that short conversation, probably less than 5 minutes, made me happy....very happy.....had wanted to seek her views and advice over a matter..... i didnt expect her to be negative, probably wanted to know her reservations, if any.  Didnt expect her spontaneous response, that was so affirmative, so encouraging, not once, not twice but assuringly a few times.

Felt really like a kid for that moment....i cherished that moment..... partly because i dont remember  having that feeling of exhiliration and joy that a kid would wish for, from an adult.....

and also partly because, it is momentary, and unlikely to come true.... dreams never came true for me in any way in my life.... and whilst there was a momentary 'aspiration'.... i know i lack the will and determination to do it for myself......so i cherish the moment though fleeting and transient....

But i am contented and happy that there is someone who believes in me.....totally didnt plan the conversation, totally didnt expect the outcome...it makes the joy real. i didnt fulfil alot of  things for myself, but its good to know, i could, if i want....

and it is the perfect end to the coursework of this Masters course. I am glad, very glad, i embarked on it, not for the status, but for the learning...and learn i did, immensely. And though i have taken the much tougher route in dissertation and will take a longer time, I am glad i have kept my values and beliefs and it had also given me the impetus to break out  of the structure to find more meaning through this uncertain pathway....

and  somehow the song, somewhere over the rainbow, floats into my mind.....

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a starAnd wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon dropsAway above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?