Of Public figure, x factor and the Masses

Actually this issue of  'public' has lingered in my mind for a long time. A few events along the way the last few months invoke many more thoughts.

Public is of couse relative. In the smallest context, performance within a community with more than a handful of audience is a kind of 'public' though probably not qualified to be a 'public figure'.
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Public Performance

This year, I had gone for 3 music recitals by invitation, as I know the performers. In all 3 cases, I was impressed with the poise, and the obvious immersion of the musician into their performance. These are amatuers, not professionals. But you can see as they performed, they were in a world of their own. Through their music, they invite the audience into their world. As an audience, I was carried by their music. But in my subconciousness, I was thinking of the performer.

Its easy to watch. But I know full well, that not all musicians can do what they do. There is an additional factor in perfomance that not all have. Its the same with any field of art. One can be very gifted artistically, but not all can be a good artistes. It is more than the gift in the field itself.

Perfomance in itself is another set of talent. It is the conveyance of the musical message through the medium of the performance; the beauty of movements through the elegance of dance; reality portrayed through the dramatists and script. There is a total immersion, and a confidence that can be almost defiant.

Again 'giftedness/talent' in performance spread across a spectrum, from the mildly gifted/talented, to those who transcends nationality and time. These fields would include all aspects of perfoming music, dancing and acting. Literature and art fall within the bounds of public appreciation though they are not a 'performance  in confined time'.

I exclude gifts in sciences and mathematics as these are are not performance giftedness. I dont consider competitions like olympiads a performance for audience. That falls under another specturm. The same for sports/games. Though some sports like gymnastics and skating, ice-skating are in the peripheral of artistic performance by virtue of the elegance of their sports.

Public performance brings public approbation and public criticism. This brings the critical turning points. To performers.

These thoughts have since branch to many other realms.....as one follow the lives of some public performers of a high degree of renown...what led to their rise, what led to their fall; why are some able to hold success well, whilst others, fall into tragedies?

Giftedness and Talent comes with a high price to the individual, some more, some less.

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Public and Masses
'Public' is as, I have mentioned earlier, relative. It varies from areas that are relegated to 'enhancement' like the arts, and to 'enterntainment' since it is not a core life needs, one of those aspects that are 'excess' like games and sports ---- to prominence in respective fields, termed 'leaders' and of course to political realms, local, national leaders to leaders on the international platform.

The pendulum of thoughts swings from a small musical recital to the other end, the US Presidential election.

I have always been cautious to touch on two areas, politics and religion. In 2008, I remembered asking 303 casually who they thought would win the US election. As a current affairs issue, that was not inappropriate. Personally, then, I didnt know who I would preferred. From time to time, I acknowledge I do have subjective preference, which is really often based on some form of biasness. At one time, I was a great admirer of the Kennedy family. At other times, I realised I did have misjudgments. Not that it matters. I am, after all, a total nobody.

So when I asked the class then, I just wanted to hear what kids have to say. Actually, I always felt the naivety is sometimes refreshing, though their ignorance is also irksome. Nevertheless, they would be surprised how much I considered their response at that time.

For this topic, the only response I remembered was from Ernest. He said, he wanted Obama to win. Reason? Obama will catch Osama. I was flabbergasted then. What a reason.

So in 2011, when it happened, I wondered if Ernest remembered what he said, or whether anyone else remembered. But I did.

Four years on, the US election took place again. This time, I only asked one person. The person said, she didnt like Obama. Reason? He didnt do anything.

I didnt prod on. Because I know, the response of individuals add up to the masses. And many strange elements lead one to form their views. These individuals that form the masses, exercise 'democracy', translated literally as 'people's power'. I sometimes feel, it is ironic.

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X factor
Let me digress a little. Of someone without the x factor.

In my life, I ran for only one election. Remember, everything is relative. It was a small election,but important to the community i was in then. It was a small community of 189 undergraduates, one of the 2 mixed gender hostel.

That was an election of the JCRC, the student governing body of the hostel. At JC, I nearly ran for executive committee when there were people who asked me to do so, and claimed they would support me. After consideration, I felt I couldnt meet the mark. Nor did I have any agenda to run. So I didnt. I was elected at class level into the student council at JC.

The good thing about running for a post is, it is your initiative. Not because some 'authority' appoint you. There is an aspiration, a belief, a wish to serve community. And student council, or JCRC was open to the student community. Not to selected people whom some powers favoured. In JCRC, the leadership body can range from first year to fourth year undergraduate. I was in second year then.

That was the early 1980s. Ladies were in the minorty, but in hostel then, every year there was an outstanding lady leader. I was not popular. I think lack of looks is always an issue. Not being good in sports. Not sociable. There is a certain kind of image attached to 'popularity'. I dont have that X factor.

I ran because I really wanted to contribute and really believe I could. I had my supporters, those who believed in my dedication and ability. And I guess, those who support me were usually die-hards like me. Actually, I didnt have a strong competitor. My batch was considered a 'weak' intake. and there were only two of us from my batch that ran for this committee, and we were vying for the same post. In terms of ability and commitment, I have the strong edge and track record.

When the result came out, the post I ran turned out to be the most narrow win. I was really taken aback, and disappointed. Its hard when you know you did not get a strong mandate. I also know there was polarity based on religious faction. Though I had then professed to be a christian, I kept away from the main christian body, and of course that was also duly faulted. I never felt religion and secularity should mix. One carries oneself based on one's faith. That is inward. That should not be a polarised factor.

The first thing I learnt about the masses is, well, they are not predictable. The figures itself told me I was played out by some sector. And really, it should not be surprising. From the Scriptures, we learn that. It was the masses, many of whom received good from the Lord, that sought his crucificion. Masses are swayed by emotions. And emotions are swayed by whatever 'facts' they want to believe, even when they know full well these are not facts.

And 'facts' can be so well-disguised. And many took what they 'feel' to be facts. Even highly rational persons.

I was young then. 19/20? And no mentor. Except for a few seniors that I had held in high regard. Whatever it is, I went on to be the only lady holding a main portfolio, Student Welfare, in the committee that year and co-chaired the committee to move the hostel from Dunearn Road to the first Sheares Hall at Nus. Logistics was immense, and at that time, everything was pen and paper. Desktop computers were not in existence at all. Sheares Hall accommodated a much bigger community 350 - 400. So the portfolio became alot bigger.

I learnt alot from that one year stint of public post and that is possibly the foundation of many of my approach to solving issues.  At that time, people didnt mince their words. They didnt like you, they tell you to the face. It was a community ran by the house constitution. Any dissatisfaction, the study body can call an EOGM (Extraordinary General Meeting) to question you. Students of all faculties were in the hall, except medicine. Law students seemed to have an edge exercising constitution rights and articulating them forcefully.

 I said, seemed to have. I learnt that, for any leader, one must know the parameters very well, and focused on the issues. The advantage of knowing you have the disadvantage of not having that X factor, is, you worked extra hard to serve well. I think, most important of all, my objective was right. It was never a case of proving that you had leadership. It was a case of doing what would benefit the community. And I got most of my facts right. Through thorough checks and research. And in those non-computer days, checks mean physically going down to check on many details, and making enquiries depended alot on high level of resourcefulness. I ran the vending machines for drinks, and duly made profit put to good use.

But it was exceedingly tough especially to overcome biasness.  I survived an EOGM called on me because of the quality of hostel food. As that was in my portfolio, I was held responsible for anything the caterers did not do right, like finding a nail in the food. I remembered getting a nasty letter, peppered with vulgarities. But you got to take it if you chose to be a leader. It was very tough.

The issues had to be faced squarely, and there were plenty. Laundronats not working was my problem. Intercom not working was my problem. Frequent blackouts was also my problem. On one occasion, there was a pipe burst, and no water supply for half the day. It was also my problem to arrange for mobile water supply. Students taken ill in the middle of the night was also my problem. I made countless hospital trips. Not enough toilet paper supply also landed on my lap. Singaporeans were already a complaining society then. But it taught me, to solve problems. Not for the moment. But at its root.

So yes, one face the issues and explained the obstacles not within one's control. opinions received however diverse were noted (genuinely, not for show) and future plans mapped out to accommodate. Thats what meetings are for. To communicate, to accept differences and to work for the overall good of a community, and do so with grace. (Present day meetings seemed to be dissemination of information, and woe betide, whoever brings out un-endorsed opinions)

By the end of my term, at the AGM, one has to give a report of what had been done to the student community. One's works justify one. There were due appreciation and acknowledgement and I had much more approbation than I expected. A good standard was set.

But that stint made a mark. It was very costly. I failed one math module that year, and did not clear the supplementary either. As a result, I  had to repeat the whole year. That was how brutal the system was at that time. My bursary was suspended, and I was left without finances.It was a very cruel blow. Thankfully, having given tuition since young, I had savings to pay for fees that year. But it was a very very bitter experience at that time, and one of the greatest setback of my life. For that reason, I hardly mentioned my uni days. It was very painful.

And that was not the only pain ......but that is another story that would probably remain untold....in many ways, that period was a determining factors of many things in my life.

I told myself I will never take on a leadership position again. Rightly or wrongly, i took on 'backstage' work from thence, all my life. I still believe, X factor is important. For leaders. For performers. I didnt have that. I should not take any leadership track.
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What is that X factor? Definition is probably elusive. I remembered chiyin was not awarded the xxx scholarship during her year, when she was the final two persons narrowed down. She was later told by one panelist, the final distinguishing factor was they were looking for someone with X factor. That was sad, because she was clearly the better of the two candidates. Her subsequent worldwide acknowledgement of her journalism proved my judgment was right. But she was disadvantaged then.

So what if you dont have that x factor? Well, hard work, humility and determination and good thinking will get you somewhere. Hard work never fails. But if you are one that seek to be at the pinnacle or constantly need reassurance or recognition, you can be courting a lot of undue misery. Talent/gift in whatever field, is meant to be contributive. Not for self glorification.

How do one define X factor? If it could defined, it wouldnt be called X factor. It defies definition. The closet I can think of is charisma. Likeability.

I suppose how one defines it also depends if you are a thinker, a rationalist, an impressionalist, or a randomist.

I can define a randomist. One that say, Obama will catch Osama.; Obama did nothing. These are randomists.
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Masses
I have to admit, basically, I have no confidence in voting system, or the electorates or masses. Is democracy fairer than dictatorial appointments? I dont know. But I guess, voting for one's leader is probably 'fairer' than appointment that is seemingly based on meritocracy. I abstain from almost all voting these days.

I only know at times, when in any organisation, there is a good leader, however small the organisation, it is a true blessing. And when 'meritocracy' or its disguise or simply by no or poor choice, a bad or inappropriate leader is in place, the immensity of the repercussions are often underplayed. To save face. Especially in the case of appointment.

I do see the role of masses. I was really quite encouraged and intrigued by HK society, and the high level of social awareness and civility. I thought their recent protests not to have National Education and succeeded in doing so speaks volumes of the way the society is run, and the respect the authorities have towards its citizens. I was really impressed. But in the first place, they are a people that have strong identity bond, and they do respect personal rights.

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Back to the US Presidential election. If anyone is curious if I did have any inclination to any candidate, yes, I have. Actually, i followed this election closely, and visit fivethirtyeight blog regularly. I think again, for those who know me, it wont be difficult to guess who I would have supported.

I like a leader that is 'non-drama', professional, cool, shows integrity, consultative and decisive, and with a consistency through the years. There is no doubt who fits the bill. Actually, of those US presidential elections that I had followed, President Obama is the one with the least 'blemishes' and to me, a highly respectable person, based solely on his personal qualities.

Does he have the X factor? I think he has. And leadership is a gift. He has it I believe.

I have alot of confidence in Nates Silver highly methodological statistical analysis and prediction, so, yes, i expected his win. And really he deserves to win.

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Public figure or masses. I belong to neither group when it come to politics. Masses give the power, and is the one subjected to the power.

This strange symbiotic relationship that brings about fame and power.  Who is the more powerful, who can say?

And of mass media....well, that would be another post. Someday.

silver linings...

in the midst of maze, look beyond the mist, and see every silver linings....

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over these past 2-3 weeks, at different time, the kids wrote. Each time, getting the notes/cards even today, it adds quiet joy.

Today, when the final math paper started, i was surprised to receive a card with sincere words of thanks from 7 teachers. And tokens from two of them. And some of us took breakfast together and had a good chat. I was gratified.

I am acutely aware of days catching up, and diminishing energy. I really want to pass on the craft of teaching. If I can but kindle 2 to 3 teachers who can pass on to other teachers, it would do more. than i can on my own......but where are the avenues? i dont want to do it through the 'academic" way, or via 'workshops'/'conferences'. I know the only way is to work amongst them, and set the example. Example is better than precepts. 

For whatever that had not gone right this year, at least in this respect, I was able to fulfil what i wanted. I dont know how it would be seen or received. I only know always to uphold the mantra 'Simple in virtue, Steadfast in Duty'  and to do my best for the kids each day.

Honestly, i totally didnt expect the show of comradeship today.  It warms the heart and made the departure pleasant...of a sense of having done the duty of the day...of the year.

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i know myself well, and know its necessary to keep myself 'occupied', so i arranged to see kyc whom i have not seen for a long time. honestly, i almost thought of calling it off, as the spiral creeps in. But she had text to say she was looking forward to it....

it was a lovely catchup, a chat we hadnt had for a long long time. whilst getting lunch to her place, when i parked my car at the carpark, it brought back memories of one of my chats with her at exactly the same place, some 4 years ago. It was a very low period then, and though she didnt understand the depth i was in then, the sweetness and kindness she showed, just by being a person who care, brought alot of warmth. And i remembered she text me thereafter. Her sweet messages i kept for many months to tide through the billows then.

Since she is a mother of one, we hadnt had much time to talk. And with two more to come soon, she will be having more than a handful to manage. It was good to meet up, and really in essence, the bond remains sweet. It is really such a pleasure to have such friendship.

Then as always, my faithful friend ld. So thankful he has finally seen the end of his masters. It has been a rough road for him. This has been another very lovely bond. Not one that I had expected it at the start, since I started out mentoring him to teach. i have noted that most young people who proclaim to want to learn, never last long in their frame of learning. I have also learnt to have no expectations. Those who want to learn, will learn.

But ld has shown himself to be very different, with an excellent spirt of learning, and most of all, his high sense of conscientiousness in his preparation, in teaching, in integrity, whatever the adversities.

I thought to myself, as I drove back, I had in jest  claimed to 'adopt' both kyc and ld some years ago, and we were known at one time as the 'family of mother and children'. Meeting both of them today brought back many happy moments. It has truly been a meaningful bond.

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kuech text me asking me some weeks ago when i will join her for walks again. I appreciate that. ....Have arranged for it tomorrow. I know she and cl are also concern that i should have some foothold....we are not close, but i know they care...

Every sincere touch of friendship from genuine hearts is warm....

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listening to a duet now. the rendering of an oldie by steven ma and albert au 沉默是金.....i like duets.... in songs, in music playing.....

Good duets allow each vocals to show their distinctness, yet not overshadowing the other...contrasting and harmonising through the melody.....you can almost feel the bond....true friendship is like doing a good duet....just like this piece...my favorite.

its strange, of all the languages, i like cantonese songs best Same with shows. I realised my childhood impacted me very deeply.... Cantonese is really a beautiful dialect, witty and intelligent, and depth in expressions. actually its really strange cos, i learnt cantones through the tv shows when i was a child. Its not my dialect at all. The speak mandarin campaign eradicated dialects, and few there be that know dialects now. I am glad to be able to retrace the language that i love....and quiet pieces by these 2 exceptional (to me) singers.

thus end 30 october 2012 

Auntee

I will begin by relating a meeting with a parent some years back. I like parents teachers meeting. I enjoy meeting parents, to hear them talk about their children, not to tell them about their children. I try to see as many of them as possible, just to understand their kid. Frankly whether they do well or not is incidental. Education is about working together to see the growth of the child, not to discuss "numbers" that become the fixation of many. I agree in some meetings, it is sad. On each occasion however, I would always have a case where I am filled with awe and respect....and this is one of them.

The parent being busy, it was arranged on a weekend. The kid involved is a very lively, interesting, mischieveous kid, whom I am no longer in contact. There is alot to learn from this family, who knew pain and life's dealings. But the parent has set an example in the face of adversities that has steered his family to happiness. I wont go into details, but what left the lasting mark in my mind of this parent was this thing he said of his child.

When we were discussing the positive affective development of the child, he said, yes, he also observed the same. He said, when we passed the security guard just now, the child, greeted the security guard 'Uncle" spontaneously and asked him how he was. The parent said, he took great consolation and pride when he observed that. He always teach his children, it is very important to treat those who are lesser well, and show courtesy and kindness to them. Seeing his child do it so naturally is a source of pride to him. Better than any results. Many parents will relate stories of the attainments of their children. But to him, this is a true attainment.

This is values education. This is good upbringing. I respect this family immensely. How many "educators" bother to greet those who serve?

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In that, let me credit my parents for bringing me up very well. From young, we had to address any elder auntee, uncle, big sister, big brother, whether they be sweeper, cleaner, postman, market hawkers, waiters, waitress ...... I am totally not a social person, but, will make the effort particularly for those who serve.

In most of the schools I taught, I somehow seem to have the affinity with the supporting staff of this nature or with canteen vendor. The first was the drink stall vendor, G, an indian, who took care of drinks of teachers.  In those days, vendors brought the drink into the staff room. I was sickly then, and he would insist of me taking fresh milk, and warming up for me, especially when he realised I had severe gastric. He cried when I left. When I knew he was ill in hospital, I visited him, and he cried when he saw me, and said, I knew you would come if you knew....true, i went as soon as i did hear the news...I felt very much for him knowing he was poor, but I was hardly making ends meet at that time, and couldnt help him. He died, i think barely 40 with a few kids......

In the second school, there was also a lovely auntee who retired when she had a stroke...and the printer, mr ong, who died in service.....

At the present place that I am in, the sweeper of the school compound, a cute, elderly Malay man,  took pains to 'direct' my car to 'help' me park....and in turn, I would show I appreciate it.  He was always so happy when he see me drive in. He would wave excitedly at me, and made me feel, there is someone who welcome me. I made it a point to look out for him, and greet him.

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Auntee is the lady that keeps the staff room tidy in my fifth school. I used to be in school very very early...., in my madness, sometimes at 5.  Auntee was around at 6 plus. She would always hum a hymn, go to the church nearby, before coming back for work. I was actually then, not very communicative, but never lost my upbringing in respect of  those who serve.

This lady is very remarkable, and after some time, she would make special chinese herbal drinks which she gave selectively to whom she will. Honestly, I didnt want to be the selected few, but her persistence, and genuine concern was touching. Through the years, she would relate much about her family, and showed us photos of her children and grandchildren.

At the back of my mind, I couldnt understand why she was still doing the menial task as her children appeared to be well off. So, I wondered if there were some other factors that she didnt share, though she was always so positive, happy and optimistic. But I knew she does have a special spot and concern for me, and some others who related well with her. In fact, she had asked me to go with her to UK where her son is, and spent a month or so there. It was really very sweet of her.

Recently, I heard that she had some health issues and had been on leave for a period. After some arrangement, 3 of us took her out for tea a few days ago. She was as chirpy as ever. This was not the first time we had done so. In fact the third time. There is always a spontaneous agreement, each time there is a suggestion, lets take auntee out, and there is never any hesitation with respect to finding time, no matter how busy. ..3 of us are in 3 different schools. 

It was good to see her. She embraced me when she saw me, and we embraced again, when we parted....
The previous time, she told us about her romance story. I remembered that was a 3 hour session, and it was so interesting and meaningful. This time, she told us of her 6 children and 17 grandchildren, and she also had a maid to take care of things at home for her and her husband.

I was astounded, and I said to her, why are you working as a cleaner when you have a maid at home? She laughed and said, she wants to occupy her time, and she enjoys what she is doing. How many will enjoy menial tasks and find it meaningful?

She had retired as a security guard (yes a lady security guard at ntu , she had stories of how to catch and kill snakes!) and had joined the cleaning company and enjoyed her work in the school. Her children did want her to stop, but she doesnt see why she should.

What a lady! She told us of how she served at the old folks home every weekend, and had been slapped by bad tempered old folks. She told us of how she helped person on the road wherever she is, and whenever she could. She told us of her pain not to have made it in time to see her mum last days, as she had 6 children to manage then and could not travel to Malaysis where her mother was..... and how she walked out of her darkness after months of grief.

Then she looked at me, and said, I knew what you were going through, although you wont say anything. And she understood, that I couldnt say anything.  This was the first time she said that to me, and I was really touched.

I didnt realise there was someone actually watching for me at that time. Yes, i really couldnt utter anything of that searing pain. One only understands when one has gone through. But, I also remembered at that time, I did have alot that did care for me. My very considerate and kind friend and neighbour, ld. My kids who always greeted me cheerfully. And many others who showed they cared by small gestures, getting me out for lunch, tea, ice-cream....

Here is a shining testimony of a lady of worth. She is a catholic, and whatever she did, she did it unto the Lord. This is a lady of humanity, little formal education, but in terms of true education, she beats us all. To her, everyone has a place, she did not judge work as menial or high status, nor does she feel inferior in any way. This is a lady of alot of guts, who when she was bullied in her previous job, took the brunt, and stood up for her rights.

There are people you need to meet up because of circumstances. There are people that you meet up with to catch up. But there are people that meet for no other reason than that there is a bond, like its natural for family members to meet. I am not comfortable with anyone, but with her, and the two friends, former colleagues, there is always this comfortableness. The four of us formed four different generations as each of us are at least ten years apart, but common bond, common humanity, common care , and most importantly, common values that bind us....where there is true bond, there is no generation gap. I almost felt these are my family members, and really regard them so. 

I feel awfully privileged to know her, and to know so many of her colourful life stories,.... And I really respect and value my two other friends, for their true humility and compassion in caring for those that seemed lesser in status, for their patience in being true listeners to hear what seemed to be of no 'economic' value to others; for their warmth and humanity. I have always respect and regard them highly for their intelligence, ability, and educational principles. And I respect and value them most for their values.

Action speaks louder than words is truly exemplified in these my 3 lovely friends. And age is no barrier. All of us, will attribute it to good parental upbringing which we have imbibed, respecting all, with particular concern for the lesser. This is noblesse oblige indeed.

Dream vs Plan II

today is the last session of the last module i have enjoyed most, and this being the last module, it is really good that it should be the best. I remembered the very first module which is the next best that I enjoyed. And I have to admit, more than anything else, the reason why these 2 modules will remain so special to me, is because through them, I traced that inward cry within myself from a child....
at some point today, i asked myself, am i really not part of the 'Plan'? When i perceived so much difference in the way she conducted the module, that liberty of spirit, i really have to conclude the most important factor is, she is not brought up in this country, in this system.

And that couple could talk of their dream, because they left the 'planned route' here, and took the path to US to find their dream... i am too 'rooted'....and being part of the system, i have also pointed to this 'established route' to my kids....who dares recommend alternative pathways? Whether it is 'asian' vague manifestation of 'feudalism' i.e obeying authorities unquestioningly, or the constant nigger of 'economic survival' above all else, the path of 'success' is cast in a fixed structured planned manner. And if you dont take that, you end up with nothing very much.

To break free seems to be only for those more talented than others, who can find a niche. Otherwise even if you are 'high-ability', without that 'qualification' , the path is likely to reach a dead end. Hence we always give 'dead end' advice, to avoid dead end. 

And so ingrained is it in our system, that we dont realise how insidiously the 'Plan' structured for us by the education pathway has fixed our mind and route.....sigh....deep sigh....

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today, i learnt about "aspiring"....it came across really refreshing......

at the end of the module, i felt i really had to have a few words with her...and i walked back to 'catch' her just as she stepped out.....

that short conversation, probably less than 5 minutes, made me happy....very happy.....had wanted to seek her views and advice over a matter..... i didnt expect her to be negative, probably wanted to know her reservations, if any.  Didnt expect her spontaneous response, that was so affirmative, so encouraging, not once, not twice but assuringly a few times.

Felt really like a kid for that moment....i cherished that moment..... partly because i dont remember  having that feeling of exhiliration and joy that a kid would wish for, from an adult.....

and also partly because, it is momentary, and unlikely to come true.... dreams never came true for me in any way in my life.... and whilst there was a momentary 'aspiration'.... i know i lack the will and determination to do it for myself......so i cherish the moment though fleeting and transient....

But i am contented and happy that there is someone who believes in me.....totally didnt plan the conversation, totally didnt expect the outcome...it makes the joy real. i didnt fulfil alot of  things for myself, but its good to know, i could, if i want....

and it is the perfect end to the coursework of this Masters course. I am glad, very glad, i embarked on it, not for the status, but for the learning...and learn i did, immensely. And though i have taken the much tougher route in dissertation and will take a longer time, I am glad i have kept my values and beliefs and it had also given me the impetus to break out  of the structure to find more meaning through this uncertain pathway....

and  somehow the song, somewhere over the rainbow, floats into my mind.....

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a starAnd wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon dropsAway above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Inspiring

i am really tired, but i must write to capture what i learnt today...

yes, its a very long time since i can say i am inspired by someone....but today, i really am.

not only were the session very informative, new and interesting, two things stood out.....

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First of all, she clearly knew her content well. Not regurgitation, not 'picking' up from somewhere else, someone else...and joining them to make a  'presentation'....have seen too many of these over the past few years....

There is alot of difference between true quality and academic effort ...actually a world of difference.

Reading, both the breadth and depth is always very important. But the richness is brought forth when this is discussed in the light of one's experience both in understanding the crux of the material, and more importantly, they were not merely theories, (or applied once or twice and cited as 'experience') ~ one can only draw on insights and enhance the perspectives for otheres only when it is really one's genuine concern and field of practice.

Thats why i sometimes detest sessions that one 'shares' what one 'learns' from wherever, workshops, conference, seminars and what have you.... first of all, i really doubt if it has been assimilated by the 'sharer' who may be instructed to share. 

For those that need to build profile, it is a good opportunity to increase exposure time to inform others of how much one 'knows'. Very often (actually most of the time)  'big ideas'  'shared' are borrowed, but source rarely acknowledged.  As long as one 'agrees' that it is 'good', is good enough reason to promote it.

And often after the 'so-called' sharing, the materials (copied but beautified) are thrown aside, relegated to obscurity,  to pick up more up-to-date fads. I know people actually hold workshops from 'ideas' picked up, or from a one or two-off tries... chalatanism of various shades....like chameleon.

Actually, i never dared to do any 'educational sharing' until past 20 years of teaching. And even then, every session (not more than 10 thus far), i never felt good. Because each time i do so, i really wished for the effect to be long-lasting, but felt i failed. I really felt i didnt meet that mark, and did not convey it well, though, they are my life lessons as an educator. I lack that refinement, that effective communication to adults.....and that is one of my failures....

So, yes, i have alot of reservations with academics. To learn well, the learner must take ultimate responsibility.

But to be inspired, it does not depend on the learner but on the teacher/lecturer, and it has got to be someone who can honestly breathe and share the content from one's true experience and reflections. I was really inspired. The glimpses she gave us of her professional training was really very impressive.

Actually, this is the second module that i took under her. The first I was very cautious because of certain personal factors. But of all the modules, i enjoyed the design of her assignment most...and it was also my best subject. I thought it was chance factor. But I realised by today, that actually, yes, a well-designed course, thoughtful facilitation and giving room for creativity and personal space is really critical.

=======================================
Apart from her professional work and many anecdotes of true experience and considerations, and the many actual research done in the field of education in support of her delivery.....the second factor that stood out was in her service.

Her love in her work is so evident from the way she delivered her content, and she was not merely an advocate, but within her realm, she initiated many small scale but sustainable voluntary projects to reach out to the underserved, and has spread her love (of reading in particular) to so many young children, with the view of developing them.

Its that intangible part that left a deep impression....

a few things, she said....

good intentions count........

dabrowski's highest level: self-actualization needs to take it a step further...... to meaningfulness....and she demonstrated that in ensample. Not mere platitude......she showed it with actions....and in such a fluid, creative, unobstrusive yet quietly powerful manner....

yes inspiring...

==================================

i dont have the energy nor the intelligence and focus that she has..... but it reminded me that one just need to love what one's doing, and to keep that fire burning in small ways......

this module far far exceeds my expectations....its such a pleasure.....and reminded me of so many things i love, reading, writing, creativity, doing something for the underserved....and to press on, no matter

it is really a very enriching learning phase....many many thanks to her....and she just received her letter of promotion yesterday, which we all rejoiced for her.....really well-deserved!

Dreams vs Plan

Started my last module which I must say I enjoyed immensely though it is an intensely compacted course over these three days. I felt invigorated by the many thought-provoking issues wrt principles, ideals and practices, and exchange of viewpoints and perspectives of many education issues.

Planning for the assignment alone is going to be a mammoth task, but actually, this has been the part I enjoy most in the course. It is through doing the assignment, that you have to plough through the readings, analyse the content, distil the inner voice within oneself, and ask, what does it mean to me? actually i spend alot more time to search for myself in the maze, than in being practical, i just want to live out my dream in my assignments.....

I especially enjoyed the company of my coursemates especially now in my lone walk to complete what i set out to do for this year....

Alot of thoughts over alot of things.....

===========================================

Read about the demise of Dr Lim Hock Siew in the ST today. I vaguely remembered him from my childhood days, for his imprisonment without trial, for 18 years...it was a generation that stood true to their beliefs....and did so, in their ideology to do good....courageous and simple.... and yes, i agree... the wrong was never put right.....

though there were issues of security that may need laws that i did not understand....but to take 18 years of a person's life, for ideological difference and perceived threats.......its very sad....more than sad.....

the article also depict an ensample of what a true medical doctor should be, care for the poor, care for the sick...wherever he was, even in prison....

i worry, when i see the hordes of medical students and young doctors at hospitals...the way some carry themselves...they dont realise their body language, their demeanour speak volumes....

and when we lose truly a truly good doctor, that did not go into medical for fame or money...... it is really sad......

Good  courageous man of this calibre is probably extinct in Singapore....we have lost a patriot, not nationally recognised, but who has in his way, cared for the welfare of the poor of the nation...

==============================================

Read this article shared over fb, and whilst my pathway is very different, there are alot of sentiments shared that one can identify with.....

Paved With Good Intentions, by Colin & Yen | visakan veerasamy.  

Really very good read. And for me the key statement, of many many that resonates within my own mind, is
"But living one’s dreams is difficult because it is a lone undertaking. "

In this, i have always walked alone. Perhaps, i was from a different generation, and was always an independent thinker. And yes, i questioned status quo all the time.

I had taken paths to fulfil obligations and responsibilities, and that was a distinct clear choice. I would not do otherwise in most instances. But, i was glad, i was never fettered by any 'Plan" conjured by societal 'branding of success'.  In fact, those that live, and many that be that do live in its shackles, however 'successful' they may be, is a very poor soul indeed....for all the attainment to position, control and material gains..........

Had alot more thoughts actually, but for now, it suffices.... i hope this couple updates on the dreams they have paved over the last ten years....we really need more originality like this....

Emperor's Best Clothes

The analogy of this fable has been interpreted in diverse manner depending on perspectives....

I remember irritating (deliberately) some colleagues way way back (more than 10 years), when we were preparing for a relatively mega exhibition, and two days before the event, my section, which was to occupy nearly two classroom space had nothing up....

There were reasons....but people werent interested to listen... and they didnt understand anyway when i presented the idea...so i just worked with my kids....

I was actually not in good shape then, having had a bereavement some months earlier, and the impact was clearly visible...in all honesty, i was struggling, but knew i would get it accomplished...

there is an anxiety that meant well, that meant to render support to you at all costs....
there is an anxiety where the concern is, well, not for you....and you know it....

so when some relatively senior colleagues approached me then, with respect to the non-visible arrangment, i replied, cheerfully, using this fable to my advantage...and of course duly annoyed people.....

Nevertheless, in due time, everything was up and it turned out well, actually very well........

----------------------------------------------------------

In the more recent years and months, i begin to see the fable yet from another angle.....

If you see the Emperor not wearing clothes, you must not say he is not wearing clothes.

You must tell a child to say the Emperor is not wearing clothes.

From a child, it is refreshing, naive, and spontaneous.

But from an adult?

That is an insult, an affrontation, the perception is totally changed...

And the probability of that adult would not keeping his head, literally, should be close to one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I enjoy meeting up with L for discussions, because it is such a sparring session, no matter how contrary our positions may be, we somehow managed to converge in divergence. When we met 2 days ago, she used this fable as an analogy of her position, (not realising of course that this is also one of my favourite analogy) which reminded me again of my new 'postulation' of the interpretation.

I said to her, it is not for us to say the emperor is not wearing clothes. We must ask a child to say it. Well, she gave me that look of, well, thats you again!

Some things are really obvious, not only to children. It isnt that adults are so 'blinded' and 'crowd following' that they dont say what is obvious, or that they lacked the courage.


The truth is, for some truth to be palatably accepted, it must come from 'non-threatening' sources, perceived as innocent and guileless...

and as long as someone does not agree with the one in lead, the person would always be conjured as quite a.....dubious character.....

of couse some truth will never be palatable, and will never be seen as what it is....

--------------------------------------------

why all these came to my mind was because i saw this advertisement on the side of a bus today.

The advert says: "The change is me".

What is it suppose to mean?


Change is neutral. "Me"? Well, it is personal.  Good or bad, who can say?

Wouldnt it be obvious that this slogan is meaningless, subjected to a myriad of interpretation, without much contextualisation? And for an advertisement of an institute......?

But this is perhaps the purpose, to promote high level thinking in esteemed institutes?

Perhaps thats precisely the noble intent of such a seemingly nebulous 'punchline'..... to generate 'intellectual' discussion of the kaleidoscope of changes?

Changes for whom? To whom?

Of course the key object has got to be  "ME". The primary focus, of utmost importance.

Why else would one want to consider change if " ME" is not involved?

------------------------------------------------------------

And there was another statement near the slogan, something about if i can turn a blade of grass to a source of energy, I would be saving the environment....

seriously, i read it a couple of times...... I dont know if i have read it wrongly, but i was really intrigued..........

Isnt the blade of grass a part of the environment we want to save? like saving trees?

But turning it to a source of energy, will save the environment..... i see ( i mean i am trying to see).....i have learnt something new....

...i seriously lack the intelligence to understand such profundity.....

=====================================

somehow, insidiously, the emperor's best clothes fable surfaced in my befuddled mind....

The more time spent in planning for others to do,

the less time is left for all, to do the things that need to be done.

the less time left to do the things that need to be done,

even less time is left for for 'growing'....


perhaps if more time is given to 'growing'

will less be needed to be done?

======================


what is obvious is not obvious?


..... or one chooses to be oblivious?


==============================================

In mathematics and economics, any model set up would have some basic assumptions.

When a "growth model" is set up for teachers,

what do you reckon are the basic assumptions?


=============================================

Instead of growth model, how about more role models?


Example is better than precept...


get back to the basics....


go back to classrooms....


========================================

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows." Epictetus

Daisy, LS sister, passed on, moments ago....
========================================

powerless resignation of the inadvertent -


in the unyielding power of death....


unmitigating lashings of grief -


torrential anguish of ache-


in the absence of cherished presence....


========================
The Lord comforts they that mourn and are broken in heart....

quote...

Epictetus


It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.


==================================================
That is the main reason why so few really listen......

quote...

This quote appeared in my daily quote subscription:


"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of."


Elegant and poetic. But that was not the reason why I was struck.


This quote was ascribed to Blaise Pascal. I learnt about him in my early Secondary school days both in physics with respect to pressure, and in math, pascal triangle....



Is this the same man? To me, he was that talented scientist and mathematician, amongst the elite in his field...too scientific to write something so poignant.



So, I read up his biography.... yes, its him.

==============================


Actually, unless one battles through it himself or herself, none will know that intensity of conflict and anguish in deep religious issues.


That was a generation that seek more deeply, not distracted by superficial electronic diversions that numb the mind....



dabrowski was really perceptive in his observations of gifted individuals and confirmed it by his research studies.... reading of pascal, of emily dickinson, of beethoven, of van gogh... actually, many of these gifted individuals, in whatever field they are gifted, really suffered for their gifts...with their deep intensity of thoughts and emotions...


============================


there is no answer to many things in life.


I am only thankful, to know, The Lord is my Shepherd, who leadeth me beside still waters.....

深处的感受

in the gradual scaling down of activity before another avalanche ( exam papers in next week + coding deadline + the heavyweight writing deadline looming), i am keeping my mind kind of blank during this interim......by doing math comp questions....

actually however difficult math is (different thresholds for different people), it is really not comparable to life issues. So yes, doing math is a destressor for me...

======================
its terribly painful to hear of the immense suffering of ls sister, in this final phase ... somehow, it shouldnt be this way....it this medical science? i fear the worse is yet to be.... before the end......its going to hit ls very hard....these few weeks are going to be difficult....very difficult...

======================
of all the things in life, i find losses of people close to you the most unbearable. i can take alot of setbacks, alot of disappointments, hardships, non-recognition (that is awfully hard to take, actually), but pain of losses cripple the being....to me, its far worse than physical pain...

i have suffered many many losses in this respect....
some losses i initiated.... had to...or at least i felt i had to....the most painful of all was that in 1982...dont know how i did that then, sheer will power.......i did wonder sometimes whether i should have......that was the only time in my life that i was the true me......but then.......

well, here, i learnt the meaning of the saying, it is better to have love and lost than not to have loved at all

some losses, others felt they had to....i had to bear it......and the most painful 2003....23 years of friendship....but it could not take the onslaught of flood and storm......a reconciliation i hoped that never happened.... the deepest regret that i have to bear to the end......

some losses by the inevitable...the end of life.... first dad 1999, then mum, 2010....

these days when T n B are unwell, i wonder whats going to be like, to be alone without them... its going to be awful.... but i take great consolation that i gave them a wonderful life.... showered with care and love, and many friends that love them...actually they are pretty well known! :)

i have known pain, pain, and pain.....at least, i have not been engulfed in them... at least, i had continue to live for others....

========================
by june, i should finish all the tasks that i should have been firm, and said No, and not have undertaken. But well, i didnt, so i still got to complete them....

after june, i should just be left with the kids at sch till oct...then the end of one episode.....

then just the dissertation......

after these past months of wondering and pondering, i am more or less planning toward retreating into reclusion. over this time, i do know for certain, the inclination of my heart, what i really would want, espcially after having tried out the various paths.

But, i do not want to have conflicts. I guess, thats me. Put everything in the balance, i value simplicity and tranquility.

Alot of things in life are unfair. In fact, almost everything. Like what i had told my kids, the fact that you are born in this or that family, that you are born in this country or that country, totally beyond your control, in itself, life is unfair. So, why keep griping, this or that is unfair?

Some people fight to 'get out' and dont care who they hurt as long as they determine their pathway to success. Some lived their life in resignation, blaming everything and everyone.
Some live their lives carelessly, only living for the moment, expecting things to work out for them the way they want.
Some live their lives, always considering for others, over-thinking, over-doing, over-compensating.

Personally, i feel i have lived my life. I belong to the last category. I dont know to be happy, and dont know how to 争取。I try, really try. But i just dont know how, and will never know. I have to plan, even to this day, to look after others, and that for life. But I dont know of anyone who has planned to look after me....not even my own parents.....

I cant deny I have been very disappointed over many things. But I have always been clear of my object in whatever things i do, and insofar as the good is done, however things turned out, thats ok....i may feel hurt, but i know other have benefited.

but i dont think i need to continually 付出。why should i think i can make any difference?

I have done my duty in this life. I am looking to the next. Its not that i do not worry, what if, my days should be much longer than i want.......another ten, twenty, thirty years in aloneness and loneliness would be awful. Quite awful. But, i cant command it. I can only submit myself to him to whom belongs the issues of life and death, and wait patiently for the coming of the Lord.
==============================

deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy watersprouts....


========================

thoughts...

i respect one that has the courage to acknowledge wrongdoing so absolutely, and bear the weight of it....alot of respect........ and it shows, values and principles were there.... i only hope society will be merciful and give a recourse for the days ahead....

=============

i am sometimes confused abt the role of mass media....i like to read good thought provoking articles...and yes, i also like to know the news.... but shame, and 'excess' coverage with no regard to irreparable dameage is really abhoring.... i remembered voicing this to scy nearly 20 years ago, when she took the sph scholarship... and she subsequently had to do some form of coverage, and did write to say, she is aware she had to do so, whilst remembering the viewpoints i had raised. But passed the initial stage, she went on to serve well as a journalist to speak for the plight of the less fortunate. I was really proud to see her courage and that she remained true to what she were as a student...

yes, if only there are many more of her around....

=============

alot more thoughts, but really too tired to write. with the mid year exams round the corner, i have given up my 4 day work week....its now 6 day seeing the few kids that are trying to help themselves.... its much more uphill than i had thought...there are alot more distractions compared to 6 years ago....then, computer game was the main 'enemy'...now there is hp, and most are 'smart'...., and so many more have 'tutors'.......values and circumstances have changed so much.....i darent think what things would be like in ten years....honestly, i wouldnt wish to be around to see....of course one can turn one face to see only what one wants to see....

============

when tired....dont think....sleep....

random updates....

yesterday, there was an article in ST from many my generation paying tribute to Rediffusion. its remarkable how similar our thoughts are, each from different walks of life, having the same memories of the simplicity of life in something so simple as a 'brown box', that add that spice into our lives....honestly, i still feel, our life was much richer for it, compared to this technologically dominated world these days....o well....
=========================================

it seemed strange that almost immediately after i state that i have been quite placid these days, that things took an explosive turn.....it took me a couple of days to regain composure..... i am not a person given to triggers of moods, particularly in teaching itself. My focus is usually very clear. But I guess, it was too clear to myself, and somehow i have failed to see the gap..... perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? perhaps i had hoped for too much? i dont know. But it was a big blow to me, and i couldnt speak about it to anyone...actually, i still hadnt relate what happened. To me, talking about it is not the point. What went wrong? Why? And really, i wanted to give up. But i am bound by my promise...

thankfully, some of the kids took steps to mitigate, which i totally didnt expect. Such initiative is rare, and well, i dont see it often in the past years.....And i was touched by the sincerity. There are apologies that are given just to get out of a situation. But unreserved sincere apology is unmistakable, not only seeing what went wrong, but analysing the cause, considering for others, and wanting to move forward. I did not expect that. And that makes all the difference.

And that gave me the motivation....yes, to start again..... dont give up..... it will pay off ..... be positive..... charity never faileth.... i will be positive tomorrow, and start again.... actually, with kids, i will give them ten thousand chances, if only they really want, and will keep trying....

=======================================

fb has provided the avenue to follow the diverse pathways of the kids, whether in ns, in their uni outcomes, their sch actitivities, ups and downs etc....dont know whether its good or not, to follow so closely.... is it teacher instinct or a maternal kind of concern has taken over?

in a few months, the girls will have all their confirmed decisions, and stepping into different realms....the boys, most of them will still be in ns.... reading of mishaps does make one worry .... but its their growth and their duty... all of us has a duty to our family, our nation....i am actually very glad that most of them have taken this very positively and really want to prove themselves. Nation building is not built on complains and grouses. It is built on a communal spirit and responsibility, rising over the differences, and strengthening bonds. And true care is also based on sacrifice...and i know, the two years is a sacrifice, although a compelled one, it is to be valued....actually, i am very proud of the boys...:)

i do not intrude especially when they are at critical decision making period....views had been given....and views need not concur.... as i said to st, its not life and death...seriously, it is not. When you know whats life and death, you know all these are not....passing critical moments that can be turning points or points of inflexion, and you still live on. How happy you choose to be, how positive, how grateful lies within your own heart. Happy is the person that can see beyond and over...

then, my other batch that is now in year fours.... another special batch....

must really be getting old, to remininse like that.....

===================================
was telling chris today, perhaps, after the O level this year, i will take a total break from schools for at least 6 months. Focus on completion of dissertation (sigh, prob extend for anr sem) and maybe do my grade 6 exam....

sometimes u think u want to do that much, u want to contribute, u want to pass on.... but really, must u? need u? does it make a difference? especially when the strength of youth is gone.... visited ls sister at sgh just now... and u see the reality of life and death....

actually, i am really contented to have an end to my earthly pilgrimage. I really have run my race. I havent attained much. But i have not hidden my talent. I have done my best, and have considered most above myself. Its not out of weariness and hopelessness, although the fear of being a burden is ever present.

I should really take a true break, and put tie up loose ends, and spend time with T n B and with nature...

But, at this moment, just between now and May.... the deadlines are a plenty....sigh....

Rediffusion

Rediffusion days will end in April. This post is a tribute to this 'box' in my childhood...

I remembered very vaguely how this little box got 'fixed' in a position in the living room. But it was movable, connected by wire and followed mum often to her room.

From this little 'box' came my source of music, and source of marking time.... there were many serialised stories, but the one that i remembered most was the one man story-teller, wan dao, every nite from 845. It was in hokkien. I cant remembered when i start following the serial, about 8 or 9 years old. Quite young. I remembered mum being taken aback about that, that i could understand and follow the story. The hokkien was a high level, educated version. And the story would be those of the pugilistic world, written by jin yong, or gu long.

not too long ago, i noted some fb remarks abt the Heaven sword and Dragon Saber series that was screened. I was amused that the kids were following a serial of my childhood. I remembered watching a show based on this novel. But it was incomparable to the narration of wan dao. I think it was a direct reading from the novel.

In many ways, this little box was the consolation of my life in my childhood. It opened up a different dimension, a different world from the realities of life at home. It also trained my auditory skills, and concentration, and laid a good foundation to the chinese language that many to this day, commended me for. I always opposed the killing of dialects, and really that is a tragic loss to culture.

In those days, having a rediffusion was considered a 'luxury'. I remembered primary schoolmates 'envied' me for having that at home. And the programs broadcast were deemed better than those on radio. This was a private enterprise. Radio and TV then were directly government run, i think.

kids in this present day will never understand how little we had at our times. Every book i can lay hold of, i read.... i was almost the only one that borrowed library books, especially chinese books when i was inprimary school. And the rest of the time, it is listening to this 'box' . We didnt follow the english programs, and i wasnt interested in them either. And such a simple source is that which ignited my imagination. It was never boring. I felt for every character, and weaved different endings. And i actually like the dialect operas particularly the cantonese ones.

my favorite story-telling time ended with the speak mandarin campaign, as did all dialectal programs. I know many older generation folks at that time found it hard to forgive the authorities for this....and really, i dont blame them....having authority doesnt entitle one to attempt to cut off one's inner roots and 'engineer' social directions.....that was folly and the price of such actions is already surfacing in the non-cohesiveness and divide over the have's and have not. I saw that folly as a kid, and it never fails to amaze me that 'authoritarian' kind of attitude in 'management' are still present, even with those that has never been under tough authoritarian regime. How foolish! I use management, cos using 'leadership' would be a gross misnomer.

i digress...

my interest in the little box waned over time....and as expenses had to be cut down....mum decided to end the rental...cant quite remember when.....i was against it...but well, the programmes werent what it used to be....and honestly dad never liked it. He was too 'atas' for that. actually, only mum and i took on to it.

Whilst it did not feature anymore in my life, it was my faithful childhood companion.... and like those in my times, that had expressed their regrets over its impending demise, I feel very much for its end. My life would have been much poorer without it. It had played an important role in the formation of childhood values, and gave me a window of relative joy....

This is my incoherent but heartfelt eulogy for Rediffusion. I am sorry to see its end. Very sorry.

updates....

its been quite some time....

alot to update in the sense of alot of thoughts. Not in the sense of alot of happenings.

This is midway thru april. completed one module, and actually the last 'nite' module. In some sense, it has been a relatively easier path than i had initially thought. Perhaps crashing 4 modules last sem took the weight. Am sure i wont do well for this module. Made a serious mistake in assignment. Was perturbed about it for some time. It shouldnt have happened. Not going to give reasons/excuses.

I remembered ht reminding me to set my priorities rite in March, to remember why i chose to do part-time, mainly for this masters. But when it come to the crux, i guess.... well...anyway thats over. One last 3 day module over june with the corresponding heavyweight assignment....then really no more structure....my own 'flight' or 'crawl' in the dissertation....o well, lets see...

==========================
sch has stabilised alot...even the long journey seems ok now. hope to spend more time with the kids the next 2 weeks....

when people asked me if i had problem adjusting... actually...apart from the distance, and the initial settling in, the teaching process remains a happy one for me....except it is much slower to see progress....but i really believe it will come. Its going to get more intense as it builds toward the main exams end oct/early nov.

To be honest, this is what i didnt like... focusing on an exam system....but at least it is an objective system of measure, without which how does one know competency before the next phase? i suppose a necessary evil...and the motivating factor for them....i just want to help the kids tide through with more options...

alot of things to re-think.... but the truth is, there is no 'perfect' system...

=========================
T n B havent been well.... and they can be so moody....tummy unwell...sneezing...dripping nose...coughing.....

they get so moody... vacillating from needing so much attention...to isolation and hibernation.... o well... just be there for them....

Brownee was coughing for a couple of minutes a few days ago....tiger came up to see her.... and he really looked concern, and went over to clean her face.... its nice to see, that even with animals, there is that love for siblings....its sweet...

========================
got a camcorder today....preparation for getting my research data when i finally get started... its really a step up for me in technology!

The good thing over this time is, i may feel unsettled or disappointed, but i dont feel distressed or upset ( except over T n B) over work or study. There is nothing new under the sun, and everything is vanity of vanities.

Perhaps its age. Perhaps its seeing things from a different perspective. Perhaps its less intense cos, i suppose there is a distancing, and not being so involved.

Whatever, headaches have reduced significantly, at most once or twice a week, and usually settled by a single panadol. This is a big gain. Having at least 6-7 hours of sleep is obviously very helpful.

=========================
quite a few of the kids hae passed out from being recruits in ns. had wanted to go for thier POP, but a variety of factors intertwined, and i didnt.... i did want to....see them growing to manhood...

and they all got their posting and another phase begin for them. looking back...its more than 4 years with them...whatever anxieties for each of them, each must grow through the tough times... in some ways, i view them like Tn B....and as they grow up, i also realise there is little that i can do for them.... its like seeing fledgins leaving their nests.... they must fly.... and soar....

i guess, the only little thing i can do, is to be there, when they need that little chat, that little pat....and to be able to do that.... i am contented.

This lot has really been the special ones in my life, when i came out of the long tunnel...and they have brought a lot of joy to my life with their genuineness, unpretnetiousness, and spontaneity. i am content.

I hope each and every one of them will rough it up, grow up, and be safe and in due time, contribute to society for the next generation.

other philosophical thoughts...but will write on other posts....

Angry...

I must write this...

I am very angry with the resolution passed by the Yale University faculty members, especially more so, with the forthcoming collaboration with nus.

First of all, let Sinaporeans resolve issues themselves over time, and this had and did happen. Secondly, the opening of the mind transcends past individual countries and, so, what is the relevance to do this? Thirdly, the tone of condescension in the name of concern, is not welcomed. And, indeed rather 'uncivil' .

That they see the need to pass such a provocative resolution leaves one skeptical and uncomfortable with how much seeds of contention will arise in the name of "civil liberty" and "political freedom" under Liberal Arts (???)Seriously, given our small and highly vulnerable frame, this is not what is appreciated and needed when so many more vital issues are at stake to the welfare and continuity of the nation.

And these Yale professors should note that the 'so-called history' of Singapore they refer to, for which they express 'concern' is but a tiny fraction of their long illustrious history of 'civil liberty' that arose from centuries of conflicts between their 'new settlers' (in this present day, what would that be called?) and the original inhabitants of North America, and their attempt in 'civilizing' the native americans by various means, that may not be respected or accepted. Now they have attained somewhat to that civilised superiority, i suppose they therefore feel they have to 'rise to the occasion'. To make what difference???

I am nowhere near being an intellect of any calibre, but at least I know mutual respect and civility takes precedence over 'freedom'.

I must say, i am very disappointed with this, before the start of the collaboration....

end of march....

there are alot of things i want to write..... but energy is really lacking....

April is going to be 'the' month....starting with monday, which i have taken leave of all present commitments to do the project with L. Thankfully, the preparation at my end did not take as long as I thought it would, though i really was given very little time....whatever, monday is going to be a 'new' experience, though again thankfully, my part should only be less than 30 minutes....however this episode could be a precursor to a future route..... which though remote, it is not entirely out of sight.

then, the start of the other project....which i didnt wriggle out...sigh...

and a third one....which my 2 "No"'s still end in limbo.... and i was supposed to submit a brief biography which is a kind of cv....honestly, all i want to write, is i love learning and teaching. That in itself is my greatest qualification. But most people, are looking for what fantastic uni you come from, and what titles you hold, what awards you get....

i was thinking of something just now, and was shaking my head to myself, and involuntarily the words came out, i cant stand systems. And almost the same moment, Ms Heng's words came to me, "SH, you are always looking for a system." When Ms Heng said that to me, she was the age I am now. Is this a age wisdom? I do see her perspective better now....

...yet, i have also seen things in the course of my life, that are without systems, but vested in persons. When the person(s) is gone, the good work died along. I saw that 20 years ago. Thereafter, whatever i do, I do vest them in a 'system', so that even after i leave, it should carry on for some time. But I have also learnt, that as long as there is no person with equivalent vision, understanding and drive (in order of importance) to carry on, it cant be maintained.

What is needed is a system for structure, and, with it, astuteness and wisdom to make exceptions. But how do you measure the last 2 elements? That brings to question: Are leaders born, or nurtured?

Or who makes a better leader, one with a big heart, or one with a 'big' mind?

My contention is: if you really have a big mind, you actually would have a big heart. Hence, the second 'big' in the above statement is in quote mark. Pseudo 'big'.

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So....

With 3 projects that are not in the main flow of my regular events, thats really alot...

Then, in my 'main' flow of events, i got a 70% assignment due in 2 weeks for my second last module. Thankfully i completed the presentation last nite for the 15% assessment part. And no, i got nothing done wrt my dissertation. Sigh. That stupid stray event!!!!

And at school end.... the duties and responsibilities come in much heavier this month... why did i agree to it? If i say, its for ideals, its for my dream of nurturing the next generation of teachers, hoping to have many more that will pass on the baton, does it make sense? Taking on responsibilities, without status and title, is always deemed crazy.... but that is what i have been doing in most places anyway....

And with that, have to work on a scale beyond just an institute....i will take every opportunity where helping teachers are concern....if you impact them, they impact many more.... what i have no energy to do in time to come, they can continue...

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i am tired. i really am... But how much teaching life have i got. I asked myself aloud that day, and there were 2 students with me for remedial, one of them said, 20 years? I was quite touch, but i said, No, i dont have that long more.... i must pass on.... in that, the sense of urgency is real.

So, its going to be a very tough April....
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And for the kids here, i feel more and more for them. sometimes, they would come up and tell you they didnt do their work or they cant do etc. U can be impatient and scold them. Esp when u know attitude is not good in the first place. But, if u really take time to listen, there are so many reasons behind....divorce, family member in jail.....

I have learnt one thing for a long time, through my own life. It is not enough to care, and be 'dedicated' and 'committed'. You must engage their mind. Get them to learn, to achieve a higher thinking platform. Its from there that they can drive themselves forward. Heart and mind must be engaged both in the learning and teaching....lately there have been more who really have more shine in their eyes in class.... and expressedly said so....i really hope i have sufficient time to make a difference before they take the Os at the end of the year...

Now tell me about needing funds for 'innovative' teaching!!! Get your basics right first!