深处的感受

in the gradual scaling down of activity before another avalanche ( exam papers in next week + coding deadline + the heavyweight writing deadline looming), i am keeping my mind kind of blank during this interim......by doing math comp questions....

actually however difficult math is (different thresholds for different people), it is really not comparable to life issues. So yes, doing math is a destressor for me...

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its terribly painful to hear of the immense suffering of ls sister, in this final phase ... somehow, it shouldnt be this way....it this medical science? i fear the worse is yet to be.... before the end......its going to hit ls very hard....these few weeks are going to be difficult....very difficult...

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of all the things in life, i find losses of people close to you the most unbearable. i can take alot of setbacks, alot of disappointments, hardships, non-recognition (that is awfully hard to take, actually), but pain of losses cripple the being....to me, its far worse than physical pain...

i have suffered many many losses in this respect....
some losses i initiated.... had to...or at least i felt i had to....the most painful of all was that in 1982...dont know how i did that then, sheer will power.......i did wonder sometimes whether i should have......that was the only time in my life that i was the true me......but then.......

well, here, i learnt the meaning of the saying, it is better to have love and lost than not to have loved at all

some losses, others felt they had to....i had to bear it......and the most painful 2003....23 years of friendship....but it could not take the onslaught of flood and storm......a reconciliation i hoped that never happened.... the deepest regret that i have to bear to the end......

some losses by the inevitable...the end of life.... first dad 1999, then mum, 2010....

these days when T n B are unwell, i wonder whats going to be like, to be alone without them... its going to be awful.... but i take great consolation that i gave them a wonderful life.... showered with care and love, and many friends that love them...actually they are pretty well known! :)

i have known pain, pain, and pain.....at least, i have not been engulfed in them... at least, i had continue to live for others....

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by june, i should finish all the tasks that i should have been firm, and said No, and not have undertaken. But well, i didnt, so i still got to complete them....

after june, i should just be left with the kids at sch till oct...then the end of one episode.....

then just the dissertation......

after these past months of wondering and pondering, i am more or less planning toward retreating into reclusion. over this time, i do know for certain, the inclination of my heart, what i really would want, espcially after having tried out the various paths.

But, i do not want to have conflicts. I guess, thats me. Put everything in the balance, i value simplicity and tranquility.

Alot of things in life are unfair. In fact, almost everything. Like what i had told my kids, the fact that you are born in this or that family, that you are born in this country or that country, totally beyond your control, in itself, life is unfair. So, why keep griping, this or that is unfair?

Some people fight to 'get out' and dont care who they hurt as long as they determine their pathway to success. Some lived their life in resignation, blaming everything and everyone.
Some live their lives carelessly, only living for the moment, expecting things to work out for them the way they want.
Some live their lives, always considering for others, over-thinking, over-doing, over-compensating.

Personally, i feel i have lived my life. I belong to the last category. I dont know to be happy, and dont know how to 争取。I try, really try. But i just dont know how, and will never know. I have to plan, even to this day, to look after others, and that for life. But I dont know of anyone who has planned to look after me....not even my own parents.....

I cant deny I have been very disappointed over many things. But I have always been clear of my object in whatever things i do, and insofar as the good is done, however things turned out, thats ok....i may feel hurt, but i know other have benefited.

but i dont think i need to continually 付出。why should i think i can make any difference?

I have done my duty in this life. I am looking to the next. Its not that i do not worry, what if, my days should be much longer than i want.......another ten, twenty, thirty years in aloneness and loneliness would be awful. Quite awful. But, i cant command it. I can only submit myself to him to whom belongs the issues of life and death, and wait patiently for the coming of the Lord.
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deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy watersprouts....


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