somehow....

somehow, somehow....that feeling...like what it was at the start of this year weighs heavily.... the end is nearing.... its a matter of how near....it was exactly how i felt when i saw him then...and it happened 17 days later....

now the same horrible weight, the second this year..... i am terribly sorry, she is young early 40s.... and she is really not ready for it...i dont know what to say to her.... it will hit ls very hard, and i worry for her eyes...

i sometimes wish i dont seem as strong as people somehow think i am. its the way i carry myself. i cant let go. dont know how. i only know, i have to stand by her, and look after her and ky to the end. at such a time, i remembered those very very hard times, when i stood by so many and they said they will care for one another to the end... yes, WHERE ARE YOU?

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somehow, i am back to the phase of wearing that 'arrogant' look, that 'keep your distance' look. cant blame me. i need to. i dont have the energy to care or look after more than those i need to. people who envy me never saw what i never allowed any to see. and why should i? I am me. ===============================

i have to admit, when teaching is focused on worrying how their future will be impacted by results, and that is dependent also on you... it is a heavy weight. today the kids wrote a card...dont give up on us... i wont....they are quite lovable... but they dont realised, that it is easy to write, we will work hard...in actuality, having the will power to do so is another matter....and the weight gets heavier, when they trust you because they cant trust themselves....and you know you can help, if only you have that energy also....

somehow, when you see so many things... u wonder.... what seemed important, is it really so?

and i dont like battles and conflicts.... actually, withdrawing would have been the easier way... every battle takes alot out of me.

must hang on till end oct.

sigh. i am tired.