end of march....

there are alot of things i want to write..... but energy is really lacking....

April is going to be 'the' month....starting with monday, which i have taken leave of all present commitments to do the project with L. Thankfully, the preparation at my end did not take as long as I thought it would, though i really was given very little time....whatever, monday is going to be a 'new' experience, though again thankfully, my part should only be less than 30 minutes....however this episode could be a precursor to a future route..... which though remote, it is not entirely out of sight.

then, the start of the other project....which i didnt wriggle out...sigh...

and a third one....which my 2 "No"'s still end in limbo.... and i was supposed to submit a brief biography which is a kind of cv....honestly, all i want to write, is i love learning and teaching. That in itself is my greatest qualification. But most people, are looking for what fantastic uni you come from, and what titles you hold, what awards you get....

i was thinking of something just now, and was shaking my head to myself, and involuntarily the words came out, i cant stand systems. And almost the same moment, Ms Heng's words came to me, "SH, you are always looking for a system." When Ms Heng said that to me, she was the age I am now. Is this a age wisdom? I do see her perspective better now....

...yet, i have also seen things in the course of my life, that are without systems, but vested in persons. When the person(s) is gone, the good work died along. I saw that 20 years ago. Thereafter, whatever i do, I do vest them in a 'system', so that even after i leave, it should carry on for some time. But I have also learnt, that as long as there is no person with equivalent vision, understanding and drive (in order of importance) to carry on, it cant be maintained.

What is needed is a system for structure, and, with it, astuteness and wisdom to make exceptions. But how do you measure the last 2 elements? That brings to question: Are leaders born, or nurtured?

Or who makes a better leader, one with a big heart, or one with a 'big' mind?

My contention is: if you really have a big mind, you actually would have a big heart. Hence, the second 'big' in the above statement is in quote mark. Pseudo 'big'.

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So....

With 3 projects that are not in the main flow of my regular events, thats really alot...

Then, in my 'main' flow of events, i got a 70% assignment due in 2 weeks for my second last module. Thankfully i completed the presentation last nite for the 15% assessment part. And no, i got nothing done wrt my dissertation. Sigh. That stupid stray event!!!!

And at school end.... the duties and responsibilities come in much heavier this month... why did i agree to it? If i say, its for ideals, its for my dream of nurturing the next generation of teachers, hoping to have many more that will pass on the baton, does it make sense? Taking on responsibilities, without status and title, is always deemed crazy.... but that is what i have been doing in most places anyway....

And with that, have to work on a scale beyond just an institute....i will take every opportunity where helping teachers are concern....if you impact them, they impact many more.... what i have no energy to do in time to come, they can continue...

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i am tired. i really am... But how much teaching life have i got. I asked myself aloud that day, and there were 2 students with me for remedial, one of them said, 20 years? I was quite touch, but i said, No, i dont have that long more.... i must pass on.... in that, the sense of urgency is real.

So, its going to be a very tough April....
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And for the kids here, i feel more and more for them. sometimes, they would come up and tell you they didnt do their work or they cant do etc. U can be impatient and scold them. Esp when u know attitude is not good in the first place. But, if u really take time to listen, there are so many reasons behind....divorce, family member in jail.....

I have learnt one thing for a long time, through my own life. It is not enough to care, and be 'dedicated' and 'committed'. You must engage their mind. Get them to learn, to achieve a higher thinking platform. Its from there that they can drive themselves forward. Heart and mind must be engaged both in the learning and teaching....lately there have been more who really have more shine in their eyes in class.... and expressedly said so....i really hope i have sufficient time to make a difference before they take the Os at the end of the year...

Now tell me about needing funds for 'innovative' teaching!!! Get your basics right first!