miscellaneous....and choices

since there was no lesson today, and most of the kids will be having exam on another subject, i decided to take the day off.

Its now quite hard to get into the mindset of the readings. although i have tried to keep that up, i realised to start writing seriously, i really need to immerse into it, and i am still unsettled with the kids exams still hovering. Time is running out, i know....hope somehow i can warm up to it...

havent seen alot of people for some time, and lunch was pre-arranged for catching up. Ironically, the person who arranged it couldnt turn up. It was good to see the others though, 5 of them, more than i had expected. It was nice to see all of them, but conversations were kept at surface level, cos not all are close buddies. And it always centre on education...

Lunch was at this new place called Star Vista? I was so proud of the fact that i actually got to a new mall (opened just a couple of weeks?). Buddy knew i am always 'left behind' in new things, so, he would always try to get me to 'somewhere new'. Yes, i really missed the company.

===============================================
Later in the day, it was good to catch up with Y. Though we had met a couple of times in education events, we had not caught up with conversation. Y was my student from my second school, nearly 20 years back, and now a teacher herself. I was surprised and glad she remembered the lessons in school, the debates, the discussions, the community projects that the class did, when there was no such thing as cip. What was introduced as new 'programs'  in her school, she did not see them as new as that was her experience in school. She realised now that alot of things that were in the lessons at her time were never in the 'O' level requirements.  She remarked that i had not changed after all these years.

I must say, that is a consolation. It was a very tough time when i taught her batch, which was actually my favourite batch of that school. I remembered the many, many trying times, with dad bed bound by stroke, and mum, on the verge of cracking up,  unable to take the strain any further. Maid's levy at that time was 300+, and my pay was very low. Mum didnt want me to bear that extra cost, but she couldnt take it either. And dad was also frustrated at home.

In the end, i had little choice...rather than sending him in and out of hospital to give mum some relief, I had to make the painful choice to put dad to the nursing home to give mum a break. I rarely cried, but that occasion I did, when I accompanied dad to the nursing home. It was heartbreaking to me. I couldnt believe that of all people, i should have to send dad to the nursing home....it just wasnt right....but i had no choice....

Mum was relieved, and in a way that was also what dad wanted. He somehow thought he may be better looked after. He wasnt... though I chose what was one of the best.  And It was exhorbitant, but mum didnt realised that.  I had to turn to sst to help with the cost. It was the first time that I had to open my mouth to ask for help. I had to tell her my bank account had reached nil. It literally reached 0. I had already worked for 9 years then. And yet, it was down to nil, with so many needs yet to meet.....and pressures from other quarters as well....sst was always kind to me.....

I dont how people can leave their folks at 'homes ' for long. It was really painful. I managed to persuade mum to get a maid and took dad back within 3 months.

Teaching then was my consolation. That was 1994 Nov. It was also the O levels at that time....I remembered that scene well... talking to Y, those days came to mind...

==============================================

I mentioned to her that was a difficult personal period. She was surprised and said she wouldnt have known at all. She asked how old I was then. I was younger than she is now.....I was really glad. At least, I upheld professionalism.

Y mentioned something quite striking. How professional is teaching? In some professional occupation, to reach a certain level of seniority, there is a need to clock a certain amount of experinece to attain to a level of expertise. And that has to be tested. Medical field in particular. For instance, in an area of specialisation, there must be a stipulated amount of cases for one to acquire the practical experience to reach an expertise level.

It is not unknown that this is not the case in many instances where education field is concerned here.

Whatever.
============================================
In both conversation with my lunch buddies, and to Y, I guess what I am doing this year doesnt make much sense. Especially when there is minimal progress with the dissertation.  I am 'throwing away' my 'career' in teaching in stepping out from an established realm..... to a part-time/relief stint which is occupying me full-time.

But I said to them, and to her, when you received just one of those letters the kids wrote, it is priceless.....  Its really really worth it. 

If I was to make a choice again, I will still make the same choice

31 july

Havent been writing, not because there isnt any thing to write about. The constraint is the scarcity of time.

Having more or less cleared major 'debts' in work, am using this time to recapture as many thoughts as possible from the last week. Actually alot of events took place, some rather interesting....now, its where to start....
===================================================
yj's wedding

I am really not incline to attend wedding functions, and usually decline. Over the last three years, I had attended more than I ever did in twenty years! I think 5, and thats alot for me. First was M, my 2000 student. I went because she said it would mean alot to her. And she only invited two teachers. I was glad to see her happy. Then for sst and pl sake, to share their joy for their daughters.  It was my way of showing my appreciation for their friendship. kyc was the only exception where i had no hesitation, and it was for her, and for her alone.

So when dj rang a few weeks ago to invite me to attend yj, his sister's wedding, I hesitated. He was doing it on behalf of his family. I taught all 4 of them, plus another 2 cousins. yj was the third I taught as a tutee, the other 2 were in school. I finally went, because I did want to see dj, dw, and j, the last 3, whom I was closer to as I taught them from 13 to the end of their jc days. Their age range from 21 to 25.

And I was glad i went. I wished I had captured the thoughts of the evening that day itself. It was good seeing them, sharing about their lives. What I did not expect was, they also genuinely wished to see me. dj was not easy to handle, he and dw were both ri boys. Their family also welcomed  me warmly, and his mum said she was glad she finally got to see the ms c she always hear about. I didnt know that, it mattered to them, because i was apparently one of the few that dj would listen to. I disputed that, but dj himself said, its true.

Actually, seeing them reminded me of that phase of dark tunnel....especially at that time, i was not teaching, and was reclusive. So these were my little 'windows' to the outside world then and the little joy in that almost absolute bleakness. They didnt know of course. So, our lives crossed. Not many keep in touch regularly. But dj did in his funny way. He is now in uni in melbourne.

It was a lovely evening, and j was very sweet. She has always been a sweet girl, and a top notch ballet dancer. I can only say it was so gratifying seeing the young lady before me. And she text the next day, to ask to drop by to have a longer chat before she leave for Swtizerland, to start the next uni sem. Yes, my kids are all over the world.
============================================================
i taught yl in school, and she invited her class mates for the wedding. So unexpectedly, there was a group of poise ladies coming to greet me. They are 32 now. And it had been so long, since i left the school...so it was really nice to see them, 5 out of 6 married, with kids. 

Our recollection of school days however appeared different! hmmmmmm...teacher and students differing perspective? :)

Whatever. Those 2 years when i taught them 1995-1996 were not good years for me....then, my soul was in prison....

In 1995, I had a massive outbreak of acne, that my face was really quite hideous looking with the swellings, and that for months. I dont know how i went through those times. I  remembered telling myself that I have to carry on, and whatever I looked, I must push on. I never uttered a word to anyone of that inward anguish. I was stared at on the road, on buses; people whom i did not know would exclaimed loudly at public places and offered remedies...most of the time, i just shuttled between house and school. Note, i use the word house....which was rv. I remembered mum forcing me to go out with her, and saw for herself the looks i got. I knew both she and dad felt very bad for me. But they didnt know what the real issue was.

I knew, the outbreak was the effect of the turbulence i was trapped then, that seemed interminable...... so i appreciate the kids in the school in those years, who were polite to me, and never made me feel i was an outcast, though i felt like one leprous then....the scarring is still marked on my face, but i dont mind it....actually physical scarring is nothing compared to scars of the soul....

So whilst chatting with them of what is outward, inwardly the mind traced the path in those days.....those interminable 18 years.

And  there is a quiet  flow of joy, that i have walked out of that. And that truly, the Lord's mercies and goodness have preserved me. It reminded me also of the loss of 2 very dear friends...... But, I must walk on.

=======================================================
Of Culture and ties

 It was the first buffet style dinner I had attend, and yes, the food is very good. Well, u expect it from Shang. I didnt get to eat as much because, well, I am not very good at getting food for myself, always was awkward in buffets, and because there were so many that dropped by for a chat. I had dreaded sitting alone, having to make small talk.with unknown company, but that didnt happen at all.

yj of course was a very happy bride. Petite and sweet natured, she was always inclined to art. The groom is a Scotland chinese, which made that evening particularly interesting. Yes, he and his friends wore the scottish kilts. He has a good sense of humour and is quite gaga over yj.

They flew over a couple of Scottish crooners, and yes they really sang well. The most interesting part was the ballroom dancing. First of all, the bride and groom waltzed, and then subsequently, guests were invited to take part in the scottish communicty dancing. It was quite fun to watch couples of all ages learning the scottish dancing and enjoying themselves.

It reminded me of folk-dancing in my school days. I liked them. Actually very much. We were taught to bow and curtsey, though usually, i took on the role of a boy, so I bow. During rainy days, and there was no PE, we would have folk-dancing. Community dancing was a social activity that helped to bond the communicty in olden times. There is a kind of bonding, that is so different from present day kind of fast, quick communication.

Then there was the lady who sat next to me at the table. When she saw me, she said, ij girl. And I said, yes, i am! yj went to chij, unlike yl. So there is that bond for having the same alma mater. The lady turned out to be my junior, which of course i didnt remember. In fact, i was amazed she could say that, since it must be more than 30 years. Well, it seemed I was one of those that had left some impact on juniors, though to me,  i was a nobody at school (and still a nobody.)

We quickly found many names that we both knew, and shared common traits, and common likes including folk dancing.  We love our motto, Simple in Virtue, Stedfast in Duty. A motto I hope I exemplify.

Actually, the culture of a school, a community is important in a child's life. That sense of communal responsibility is stronger and there is more caring\spirit. I have noted adults who came from schools with strong culture (thats different from herd identity), generally had more team spirit, and are more civic concious, and less officious. Its really different. School culture forms a part of upbringing. Some cultivate it through reading and in ccas with more community life, at uni, and even in the army. Those who remained 'culture-less' and focused only on their own 'rise' /existence/' significance', well.....they missed out of warmth and communality..... not something that one can described.....but it is priceless.

So, it was a memorable evening in many sense....and nice, because i had not expected it at all.....

================================================================
Miscellaneous

There are still alot more to record, like the interesting dinner with seah and tsl, both whom i knew at my 4th school. tsl is commendable for keeping in touch over the last 5 years, especially because he is a young chap, who can have more vibrant company. He will be a vp in august, and though, he is relatively young, i think he deserves it, and has shown consistency over the past years.

It was a good conversation, as we had missed one year of catching up, tsl being in hk. All centred on school and education.

=================
Work wise, it is a roller coaster....my anxiety will serve no purpose. On my part, i can only do my best in the preparation, but it is hard to build a strong base over so many years of neglect.....lets see....

The single good new for myself is, I finally submitted the necessary to hopefully start the research project. L has been very patient and supportive, and saw me 3 times over last week, to push me on.... I hope the inertia has been broken, and I will slowly pick up momentum.... It is always good to talk with L. There is so much to talk about, so many readings that we enjoy, so many viewpoints that we share...

Then there is the assignment which is very interesting....if i get the interviews i requested. Will write more about that another time....

This Masters course has been a very good learning journey......

So, although it had been hectic, July did come to a close well.

Lets see what august will bring...... i have already about 5 appointments to meet....and with people whose company is pleasant.....

and lets see how things fall out for the kids as exams closed in...over the next 2-3 months, this is going to be the crux...and i dont want, really dont want to fall into the rut of whipping for results....how to strike that balance is the key.....and this is going to be my preoccupation....teaching is my vocation.... i must keep the values and objectives right in my mind's eye....

Thus ends 31 July 2012....

感慨

yes, today's visit was pre-arranged, but i thought it would be just one of those random things... frist of all, the arrangement was kind of unexpected, and actually, i anticipated a cancellation.... after exams...well, not a time for anyone to remember you... and apart from 2 names, i didnt know who would be coming....


so even though i did make the afternoon free, it was not with much thought on my part. In that sense, that made their thoughtfulness refreshing. It was a small gesture, but that they bothered to schedule it in and wanted to schedule it in(!), and came up with a cake and accidentally became the first that sent thoughtful wishes....


at a time of low frame, everything was sweeter....every year, it is not easy to pass through this period since mum went. Last year, wc card came in at the start of the month, and that was a deep consolation. Given the long long tunnel, yes it was a very deep consolation. At least one reconciliation....but i digress...


each time i see the kids, i know how much i missed them. there is so much that i want to pass on, to help them through their journey... and i guess, whats most gratifying is, they want to listen....



i guess, it matters alot at this time cos the ground is so hard where i am.... and to say, i am not worried that i may labour in vain would be a lie. But i know talk is cheap. If u dont put in the labour, if u dont make the sacrifice, all the pontification and theorization is a sham. Come june, it would mark a year of cecilia's passing. I remembered why i took this path for this year. I will continue therein....and hope....somehow, somehow....it would help some kids....if it is just one of them....yes, i am shaken in some ways, but i am resolute in ploughing on.... i did not choose the path because it is easier or better... i knew what would be install....but it has been much harder....



so yes, this lot of kids coming at this time, seeing their earnestness, their enquiry, their pathways, and feeling their genuine care...and it happened to be in this month of may... yes....it matters alot...


and it brings alot of 感触 and 感慨.....聚了又得散。。。散了何日聚？



i always want to teach to the end of my days.... i really want to impart.... but i realised time has really changed... and i am also not prepared to conform either....



No system of education is going to convince me that it is existing in the system that makes one an educator.....


==================================

whatever... though this visit brought bittersweet pain....alot of poignancies .....but, it was really touching. sk was touched also....yes, rare for kids these days, esp after i have left....



and tmr, the blss boys...this has been postponed several times.... and i am looking forward to that also....



==================================
o let me live meaningfully to the end...and when my strength is gone, let me not be a burden to anyone...this is my one and only wish....

message...

i am recording this to encourage myself....

received an sms from the mother of a student i knew since 2003....she subsequently dropped out of school and did her O levels as a private candidate...i taught her for 4 years, and was the longest math teacher she ever knew, and we kept in touch...she is doing her university with one of the private institutes affiliated with overseas uni...

This was the message:
"...just thinking of you today and wanted to thank God again for allowing our paths to cross. You have been a real blessing to M...She's doing really well at UB, in fact, she loves it there. Last sem she made it to the Dean's list and a research project she did with her partner may be published. Was just retracing the time before UB and remembered that it was also you who told us about the course. Thank you again for being mentor, friend and a fantastic teacher to M. ..."

M was the first child with special needs attributes I had come across. My lack of understanding resulted in many painful conflicts, and I did not want to continue with her. Except..... the girl liked me... in fact i had to take her as a tutee, cos her mother appealed to Ms Heng to ask me to help. I could not reject Ms Heng.

One episode was particularly bad...her mum rang me, and took alot of trouble to explain at length many of the traits that i did not understand, and had assumed it was irresponsibility and inconsideration.

When i realised what the parents went through to support her, I felt awful, for my ignorance and the hurt i had caused the child. I remembered telling myself, i am only seeing her a couple of times a week, and that is nothing compared to what the parents have to bear. I later took her out after her exams and had a good chat. That sealed it, and I was determined to see her through her education pathway....

Looking back, the girl is probably what US education literature would call a twice exceptional kid, some special needs trait, but exceptional in literary ability. That she is doing so well there, is not unexpected to me.

Her mother thanked me. But actually, i should thank her, for teaching me to understand every kid, for loving her child with such receptivness...its such a pleasure to receive such a message...especially at this time....

random updates....

yesterday, there was an article in ST from many my generation paying tribute to Rediffusion. its remarkable how similar our thoughts are, each from different walks of life, having the same memories of the simplicity of life in something so simple as a 'brown box', that add that spice into our lives....honestly, i still feel, our life was much richer for it, compared to this technologically dominated world these days....o well....
=========================================

it seemed strange that almost immediately after i state that i have been quite placid these days, that things took an explosive turn.....it took me a couple of days to regain composure..... i am not a person given to triggers of moods, particularly in teaching itself. My focus is usually very clear. But I guess, it was too clear to myself, and somehow i have failed to see the gap..... perhaps my expectations were unrealistic? perhaps i had hoped for too much? i dont know. But it was a big blow to me, and i couldnt speak about it to anyone...actually, i still hadnt relate what happened. To me, talking about it is not the point. What went wrong? Why? And really, i wanted to give up. But i am bound by my promise...

thankfully, some of the kids took steps to mitigate, which i totally didnt expect. Such initiative is rare, and well, i dont see it often in the past years.....And i was touched by the sincerity. There are apologies that are given just to get out of a situation. But unreserved sincere apology is unmistakable, not only seeing what went wrong, but analysing the cause, considering for others, and wanting to move forward. I did not expect that. And that makes all the difference.

And that gave me the motivation....yes, to start again..... dont give up..... it will pay off ..... be positive..... charity never faileth.... i will be positive tomorrow, and start again.... actually, with kids, i will give them ten thousand chances, if only they really want, and will keep trying....

=======================================

fb has provided the avenue to follow the diverse pathways of the kids, whether in ns, in their uni outcomes, their sch actitivities, ups and downs etc....dont know whether its good or not, to follow so closely.... is it teacher instinct or a maternal kind of concern has taken over?

in a few months, the girls will have all their confirmed decisions, and stepping into different realms....the boys, most of them will still be in ns.... reading of mishaps does make one worry .... but its their growth and their duty... all of us has a duty to our family, our nation....i am actually very glad that most of them have taken this very positively and really want to prove themselves. Nation building is not built on complains and grouses. It is built on a communal spirit and responsibility, rising over the differences, and strengthening bonds. And true care is also based on sacrifice...and i know, the two years is a sacrifice, although a compelled one, it is to be valued....actually, i am very proud of the boys...:)

i do not intrude especially when they are at critical decision making period....views had been given....and views need not concur.... as i said to st, its not life and death...seriously, it is not. When you know whats life and death, you know all these are not....passing critical moments that can be turning points or points of inflexion, and you still live on. How happy you choose to be, how positive, how grateful lies within your own heart. Happy is the person that can see beyond and over...

then, my other batch that is now in year fours.... another special batch....

must really be getting old, to remininse like that.....

===================================
was telling chris today, perhaps, after the O level this year, i will take a total break from schools for at least 6 months. Focus on completion of dissertation (sigh, prob extend for anr sem) and maybe do my grade 6 exam....

sometimes u think u want to do that much, u want to contribute, u want to pass on.... but really, must u? need u? does it make a difference? especially when the strength of youth is gone.... visited ls sister at sgh just now... and u see the reality of life and death....

actually, i am really contented to have an end to my earthly pilgrimage. I really have run my race. I havent attained much. But i have not hidden my talent. I have done my best, and have considered most above myself. Its not out of weariness and hopelessness, although the fear of being a burden is ever present.

I should really take a true break, and put tie up loose ends, and spend time with T n B and with nature...

But, at this moment, just between now and May.... the deadlines are a plenty....sigh....

updates....

its been quite some time....

alot to update in the sense of alot of thoughts. Not in the sense of alot of happenings.

This is midway thru april. completed one module, and actually the last 'nite' module. In some sense, it has been a relatively easier path than i had initially thought. Perhaps crashing 4 modules last sem took the weight. Am sure i wont do well for this module. Made a serious mistake in assignment. Was perturbed about it for some time. It shouldnt have happened. Not going to give reasons/excuses.

I remembered ht reminding me to set my priorities rite in March, to remember why i chose to do part-time, mainly for this masters. But when it come to the crux, i guess.... well...anyway thats over. One last 3 day module over june with the corresponding heavyweight assignment....then really no more structure....my own 'flight' or 'crawl' in the dissertation....o well, lets see...

==========================
sch has stabilised alot...even the long journey seems ok now. hope to spend more time with the kids the next 2 weeks....

when people asked me if i had problem adjusting... actually...apart from the distance, and the initial settling in, the teaching process remains a happy one for me....except it is much slower to see progress....but i really believe it will come. Its going to get more intense as it builds toward the main exams end oct/early nov.

To be honest, this is what i didnt like... focusing on an exam system....but at least it is an objective system of measure, without which how does one know competency before the next phase? i suppose a necessary evil...and the motivating factor for them....i just want to help the kids tide through with more options...

alot of things to re-think.... but the truth is, there is no 'perfect' system...

=========================
T n B havent been well.... and they can be so moody....tummy unwell...sneezing...dripping nose...coughing.....

they get so moody... vacillating from needing so much attention...to isolation and hibernation.... o well... just be there for them....

Brownee was coughing for a couple of minutes a few days ago....tiger came up to see her.... and he really looked concern, and went over to clean her face.... its nice to see, that even with animals, there is that love for siblings....its sweet...

========================
got a camcorder today....preparation for getting my research data when i finally get started... its really a step up for me in technology!

The good thing over this time is, i may feel unsettled or disappointed, but i dont feel distressed or upset ( except over T n B) over work or study. There is nothing new under the sun, and everything is vanity of vanities.

Perhaps its age. Perhaps its seeing things from a different perspective. Perhaps its less intense cos, i suppose there is a distancing, and not being so involved.

Whatever, headaches have reduced significantly, at most once or twice a week, and usually settled by a single panadol. This is a big gain. Having at least 6-7 hours of sleep is obviously very helpful.

=========================
quite a few of the kids hae passed out from being recruits in ns. had wanted to go for thier POP, but a variety of factors intertwined, and i didnt.... i did want to....see them growing to manhood...

and they all got their posting and another phase begin for them. looking back...its more than 4 years with them...whatever anxieties for each of them, each must grow through the tough times... in some ways, i view them like Tn B....and as they grow up, i also realise there is little that i can do for them.... its like seeing fledgins leaving their nests.... they must fly.... and soar....

i guess, the only little thing i can do, is to be there, when they need that little chat, that little pat....and to be able to do that.... i am contented.

This lot has really been the special ones in my life, when i came out of the long tunnel...and they have brought a lot of joy to my life with their genuineness, unpretnetiousness, and spontaneity. i am content.

I hope each and every one of them will rough it up, grow up, and be safe and in due time, contribute to society for the next generation.

other philosophical thoughts...but will write on other posts....

Miscellaneous thoughts...

met up with 2 boys on thurs, now 24 and 25 respectively ~they are cousins, malaysians, and i tutored them 8-9 years ago, and both went australia and graduated, one will be starting work soon in sydney, the other continuing on masters in aust.

Gratifying to meet them, esp the younger one who wanted to meet to tell me the reason why he wanted to catch up. And the things he remembered from advice given then, which he said he recalled from time to time to this day, was touching. I remembered him well~ his quietness and introversion.... didnt realise it would matter that much. And i am glad to see his growth...

In life, if you can help someone for the moment,it is already meaningful. And if the impact can last for a long period, it is a rich reward.
had also had more indepth conversations with a few kids. And it is again, meaningful....

===============================
i still dont know where i will go from here. But I do know, what is more important is to make every day counts.....

Some people 'plan' and 'worry', for the days/things they wish they would have/could do in future, and in doing so, they did not live the days in the present.

someone wrote me a message and wished me to be happy always. I may be sad from time to time. But in my way, I am happy. Because I have no 'needs' and no 'wants'. I really have lived my life, perhaps not as well; perhaps not successful; perhaps utterly not significant. But in my way, I have not lived it in vain.

And what makes me happy is to see each of my kids growing up, and living their life well....

Miscellaneous thoughts...

Was having a text conversation with kyc just now, and she said many boys going into ns this week. True....i guess abit of maternal concerns...

Going to ns is quite an 'event' . I remembered when my batch of peers went, (and those were really hard days!), yes, i was worried for friends that were close. In those days, you can 'see them off'. I didnt. But i was worried.

After that it was a non-event. Teaching girls, the event never occur. And when i taught in a mixed/all boys sch, by the time students go in, they are quite distant, after jc or poly and not in close contact. Until nephews went in. For zg, there was anxiety when health problem surfaced for awhile.

This is the first batch of my own kids going in. I look forward to 2 years later, writing about their ord. Well, boys have to grow to be men. And this is one of the process. Ok, whatever shadowy anxiety, it is a phase that has to be borne. The kids are mostly fit, sensible, and should come through well. One or two may have a little dificulty 'fitting in', but then that is life. It is a learning process.

And it is still not being thrown into society to fend for yourself. It is a training institution that will also account for their welfare. So mustnt worry. As st says... it should be ok de. Ya, it should.

=====================================
yesterday was quite an event.... more than 60 kids were here! Didnt expect it actually. I thought about 30-40, so should be manageable. But to start with, i was tired. And my place was actually a huge mess. Just clearing it (actually hiding it is more accurate) over the week was sufficient to wear me out. Thankfully Patrick came in to help with getting miscellaneous.

I was really happy to see every one, and also thought of those I didnt see. Of course, it was impossible to have any conversation of depth, but it still provided that touch, that contact. I cant say if it was because i had left nush, or because of what had taken place, or its me always being sentimental, but the kids epecially these 2 special batches somehow mean alot to me.

Conversations with the older kids are always more of depth. Of cos 09403 people are always special. But I was glad to see the others as well, whether i had taught them actually or not is not important. It is just nice to see them growing up. Some people say the growing phases of babies, and toddlers are phases not to be missed. Personally, i am not a baby person. I find it gratifying to see the growing phases from adolescence to gradual adulthood. But it also means seeing and sharing their ups and downs....

and another unusual thing, i actually enjoy writing the letter of reference for each of them... it is like documenting their growth and being proud of telling others how good my kids are! :) Ya, i think i am not quite normal....

the last group left at 2310pm. I was sorry when each of them left. I guess I was wondering when will i see them again. It was easy when all was in school.


Still, it was a treat to me, seeing them here, and hopefully, most are happy. Yes, Louisa May Alcott Jo's Boys came to mind again. I remembered when I read it at 14(?), I did identify with her, and her boys. So, in some ways, part of a dream fulfilled.

==================================
the next 6 weeks is going to be unmitigating hard work. I have lost momentum, especially in my own dissertation. Sigh!

At the moment, there is a sense of mission, to help the kids believe in themselves, and be willing to work hard to attain to a higher platform of growth. I would need stamina to last out. In some ways, it is more difficult than blss cos there are more students here. Whilst i think, some have been motivated, whether they can sustain, and have enough determination and perseverance would be the crux. I hope 9 months from now, I will see what i wish to see for each of them....

=================================at the same time, i also realise, with age catching up, this may not be sustainable for me.....

ss called me just now, and suggested we have a talk in june over plans next year. i said, i wouldnt know by then. I really wouldnt.

I know i need not 'look for direction' anymore cos i only need to enjoy what i am doing. On the other hand, i would still wish to optimise effort....for the next generation.So what next year? dont know. Only the first month of this year and already 3 persons have raised possibilities of the paths next year.... I know what i wont want is to 'just make a living'. So unlikely to continue on with ss actually....

follow heart? follow mind? follow what? ......sigh....

In remembrance

失去和拥有刹那的感动

人生有时候像一场梦

醒着的时候睁开了双眸

不如意的很多....

This is part of the lyrics from Joi Chua. I like her voice and I like most of her songs. Not that I had paid attention to the new generation of singers. But when i was teaching at blss, each time I passed the mrt, there will be a cd shop that played their music loud... and her voice and songs caught my attention. Ld got me 3 of her cds for my birthday this year...the lyrics captured alot of passing mements of life...

By now, I almost dread cny. First of all, with mum gone, cny has no meaning to me. Dad and mum both passed on just before cny. Last year, there was a bereavement at cny, though it did not directly affect me.

This year....the events that had taken place, which marked anxiety from the start till the end...had weighed heavily. Everything else that had taken place sunk into insignificance...



===========================================================
The last 3 weeks of 2012 have been like a long journey. I cant say it is a roller coaster ride, because it isnt. Its like walking through a valley... at the end of each week of 2012, i had a heavy heart...And week 3 of 2012 ... that which was dreaded, became reality ....

Among the many, many thoughts, pain, reflections...one consideration stood out: the immense responsibility of being an adult, ie a responsible one. What to say, how much to say;being positive and cheerful when one's perception tells one otherwise; consideration for kids takes precedence over whatever personal turmoil one may have. And i agree that it is only right to do so.

Yet, when all alone, in that inwardness and multitudes of tumultousness, I realised I seem quite alone, in the way I think and feel. Against the backdrop of a festive period, grief has to be so muted.

I am strong in rationalisation, and that is a great strength.
But alot of things sometimes cant be rationalised. And shouldnt be.

Humanity ie being human, in the full capacity of mind and heart cannot be rationalised. That would be self-delusion.

===============================================
At this moment, i just want to have that small space, to be abit of myself.

I am writing this in remembrance, now that there is a quietude.......I feel the painful loss within my soul. I wished... I wished for alot that I cant do anymore.

I am sorry. Very Very sorry.

In remembrance...I just want to say, I do care...I really do....

祈福楼

(I know I looked awfully tired in the photo, but the 6 looked good! And 祈福楼 is just in front of xitong)

i am not writing because there are alot of thoughts to write. I am writing to capture moments. Moments I want to remember.

today, the prc scholars i had taught in 2008, junyan, xitong, mao ye, yuanxi, shen dai, jiangran came to my place. They would be leaving for china next week, and after that, how things will fall out is anybody's guess. Some may go US, UK, Switzerland; a few may stay in Spore. When I will see them again, I dont know.

I always have a soft spot for students that came over to study. It is a young age to leave their family at 15 or 16, or even younger. When I was in charge of scholars in my other school, I would invite them over to my place for a meal. To me, that is hospitality. Mum agreed, and would cook for them.

So, i was glad to be able to invite them before each go their way. The girls cooked here (junyan was the expert cook), i added a couple of dishes. It was a good time, almost 7 hours. Shendai and Jiangran gave me a d-i-y 祈福楼 with a bell. Everyone signed on it. If you make a wish, and hit the bell 3 times with the 'gong' provided, your wish will come true somehow, Shendai said.

If I was to make a wish, I would wish we can have the same gathering together some years later, to know how each of them would be. I would wish they would all be well and happy.

They left just before 11. At the moment, when they left, I felt that pang, that 感慨。I didnt dare articulate farewell. It would be quite 伤感。 Didnt expect to feel that way. Actually, I always felt that pang when my students graduated batch by batch. But today's sense of poignancy was quite distinct, almost with that sense of 无奈. It is almost like a parent, seeing off their children abroad. They have to take flight to explore the unknowns, to secure their future. And it is for me to wish them well.

Maybe it is because unlike teaching in secondary schools, these are bigger kids. So the conversations were on a different platform.

Actually we had not been close the last 2 years. It was only the last 2 months that I caught up with a few of them because of reference letter. I was pleasantly surprise to realise they were still comfortable with me. The conversations over the past weeks were interesting, tracing their growth and understanding each better. And strangely, we converged on many points over issues, including what made a good teacher. Was glad in particular that they were appreciative of good teaching. Except they agreed they should have expressed it directly to the teacher directly, which they failed to, as in the case of dc, who really is an excellent teacher. sd said of all his math courses, he enjoyed ppv the most under dc. He should have said that to dc. Good teachers do not always get the encouragement that they need.

The dinner was meant really to be a gesture of hospitality. But it turned out to be a bonding, at least to me. Perhaps this is the end of a phase for me. For all I know, I may never see them again.

But, I am glad to have taught them, known them, and to have this gathering.

Wherever they go, whatever they be, I wish them well, very very well.

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。诚心地祝福你们。

缘分

The blss boys kt, j, and v dropped by, and it was another 4-5 of interesting conversation. Actually some of the boys are the stronger students whom I really taught for a short period. But somehow the bond is stronger with this group, and they make it a point to keep in touch. Cant explain why. 缘分?

Every time I meet up with them, i would consider many many things....

when one is young, time is a 'commodity' that seems plenteous. In many ways, alot of my dreams remain unfulfilled, and I dont see they ever will be. Yet in many ways, alot have been fulfilled also.

I met ss a few days ago for a very long talk.... I said, my happiest moments are in classrooms, and when I stepped out of class knowing at least 70-80% of my students have learnt is really a joy. And really I have that joy for many lessons in a week. I was surprised when he said to me, I envy you. Maybe I am more easily contented, and his expectations of his teaching is much higher?

It was then that I realised not many people can work and enjoy what they do, and attain joy from it or have that sense of satisfaction that I have when I teach. So really amongst teachers, I think I really am fortunate. No wonder he said I envy you. Would it be the same for me if it were not the same classes, not the same school? 缘分? I dont know. Probably not. This lot of students have been really wonderful.

But whenever I meet up with the blss boys, it seemed my greatest impact (at least that I know of) is with them. And one of them will definitely be going into teaching. It encourages me when they recounted my lessons, and remembered many of the things that I did for them, with them.

I hope many of the kids I teach, will teach. I would like them to make a difference to the next generation. I hope many of the kids I teach will be leaders. And I hope they will be good people, and leaders with heart and values. I hope there would still be energy and opportunity left for me, to yet make a difference for the kids.... I hope age will not be a great barrier....

I await the direction that I am still seeking......