Gerlynn Yap

I thought of writing this post on the day she leaves....but it would be quite tragic, if she cries reading this, and she is in a foreign land. Not that I ever see her cry, but since she says she cries easily, I thought, what difference does it make, writing now, or later.

I owe Gerlynn this post. Without Gerlynn, this blog would never be in existence. And I have to admit, I often wonder, if Gerlynn wasnt in the class, would 303/403 take on to me that well? I suspect they got on with me, more because she was nice, and the kids she were with were nice. She was the factor that got everyone together. I suspect she and a couple of others are usually the ones that initiate all the nice things for teachers. I guess, guys, being guys, well.... the thought is there...but some things are too much trouble. But she is one of those that pass on the enthusiasm and get people to do things....

Honestly, I guess Gerlynn wasnt my idea of 'model' student at the start. So there is no issue of favoritism. Honestly, I did very little for Gerlynn, and i wish i did more....

I remembered the very first time, I met a group of them, I think, 22 December 2007? or somewhere near that date, when there was matriculation..... so many of  them seemed to be student leaders! And they all looked and  giggled alike....

The next time was orientation. And urm....she was quite noisy.... And i kind of wondered...hmmm....childish? Then I remembered also, that at first i was not supposed to be 303 math teacher. It should have been Mr Yee. But he felt since I was the mentor, it is better that I teach the class, and offered to swap class. Actually, i declined, but he went to make the request, and then I remembered the look of disappointment on quite a few faces. And I felt really bad. So that wasnt a good start.

And i guess i expected some standard, so there was run-in with quite a few...., but the girls were never a problem where discipline was concerned.

Frankly, I dont remember talking with Gerlynn at all. She is a girl that is always cheerful and independent. The kids were just always so happy and liked anybody. I remembered some teachers said you should be very happy that your class greets you so loudly every time you go to class. Apparently it could be heard far off....That was when I realised, ya, 303 is very sweet to me. .. actually, i was just lucky to take that class.

I only got to know her, and the rest better because i needed them to help me with nmos stuff. I always believe in training kids to do things responsibly. But these kids were really fantatstic. That was when I realised how strong in team work, and how efficient she was, thorough and careful. That was the start of a good working relationship. She is a super worker and absolutely trustworthy. Most commendable of all, is , she never complains, and never seeks for praise or glory. When she goes the extra mile, she just did it as a matter of course. No issue.

Seriously, many teachers envied me for having such a super group of student helpers that really 'toiled' with me over nmos for three years, speech day for 3 years, and graduation ceremony for 2 years. I was so proud of having such a group of efficient, mature, "definitely deliver" little kids! Of course, its not just Gerlynn...the guys were really wonderful....but i guess, sometimes i wonder, if gerlynn didnt start mobilising at the start....would they get 'addicted' to helping out? i can see the boys protesting.....whatever... you all were super fantastic!

Honestly, the first 2 years in nushs werent easy years for a variety of reasons, many of which, had nothing to do with the school. I had alot to grapple with within myself, to return to teaching...reminded me of alot of things in the past.
But, the best thing coming to nushs was to come across this group of kids.

I think I knew Gerlynn more through her blog. What I admire most about her, is, her warmth and genuine-ness with her family. I particularly like her helping her po-po with cooking and baking. Seriously, how many kids do that these days? And also helping out with ironing for her family. Very very commendable.But she is a very lucky girl, very very enviable, that she should have such a happy family, and a big extended one that is close-knitted. I think she has wonderful parents, that makes her what she is.

I am glad for her, that she got the scholarship to go to Imperial College. It is really a rare opportunity and the chances are so slim for a teaching scholarship. It does tug at my heart, that she is flying off soon.... And I did try to reschedule today to join the lunch, but....

the kids have grown up, and half the girls are gone (would be gone). Actually, i knew the gathering in june would probably be one of the last time that so many, 19 out of 23 got together....whether there would be such a gathering again, is not important. The important thing is, we have been together for more than 4 years, and that is a lovely time. Though as an adult, i do not share your crazy escapades, but as one that watch and trace your pathways, i share your joys and tears...your hopes and disappointments....

To Gerlynn, I have no doubt that whereever you go, you will be a blessing to others. I have no doubt that you will keep all your friendships and you will make new friends, and will give others joy and warmth the way you have always given others. And I have no doubt that you will do well in all that you put your heart to do.

And like all her friends, I also wish that things work out very well for you, and particularly for you and Ivan. I think, if both of you can ride the roller-coaster of life, and make it together, the joy will be exponentially felt by many many many many people in time to come. I am sure, all of us wish it for both of you.

So, as you embark on a new phase, Dont cry. Dont worry. Be excited. You will be fine. You will do well. You will make us all proud. And Take very good care. And dont take risks.

Words are not adequate to say it all. But i think it suffices for now.

Dear Gerlynn, thank you very much. For being you.

Ms Sie < 3 403 Event (II)

nothing makes me happier than to hear my kids say they are happy when they stepped into my place....because its a place they can be themselves....with a group of people they are comfortable with.....yes, its like a family.

a family is one that welcomes its members with open arms, there is warmth, there is 亲情。 its not who is 'who' or who did 'what'....its just being who they are....no envy, no jealousy, no hidden intent, no hard feelings....

actually, when i was about to make the transition between rv and this new place, i knew it was too big for me... but somehow, i was thinking, it would be spacious if 403 people come....when i shopped for the settee... i actually thought what would the kids like.... i nearly bought totally bean settee so that they can sprawl all over...then i told myself, better be practical.

ws and ld went wtih me to shop for this sofa set...and i literally spent more than 10 hours over 2 trips before making my choice...i chose this cos of the unusual wooden shelves at either end, which i thought T n B would like....and I actually thought it would be a nice piece for all to squeeze together for a photo take....that was some time in december 2010? To be precise 23 and 25 december.

And to see this photo, which i had conjured in my mind then.... yes, there is a sense of gratification.... at least it is a kind of 'homely' get together for the kids.....
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whilst to them, it is so natural to come in for a gathering....for me, it is really not 'me'. I am well-known for being 'anti-social' from young and avoided class gatherings. I hate small talks. i hardly meet up except with close knit groups. With ex students, only the few that i am comfortable with. Even with colleagues, i was very very selective. My first 2 years in nushs was really with a closed group....which grew....thanks to the much warmth and genuine friendship of so many.....

whether its these kids, or the  very nice people that i knew there, i cant say. i only know they taught me that 天真 does exist; that people can gather without resorting to gossiping or back-biting; there is a spontaneity, a sincerity without being pretentious; a comaraderie without making one feel obligated; a open-ness without compulsion; a carefree spirit without being irresponsible or 'bimbotic' ; a intelligent atmosphere without 'gloating' or showing off; a sense of humour that first begin with being able to laugh at themselves.

No meanness, no hypocrisy, no self-righteousness yet not frivolous, not trivial....

when i first moved in. honestly, i didnt know where i was heading... for actually, i am ultimately, alone. ws was very supportive at that time and kept encouraging me to open up...

she, ld....and vl.... and pl...were super....from these 4 friends, they helped me focus to get the few furniture items...., and dc set up the broadband and IT related stuff....and the place is what it is today...simple, spacious, and homey.

ws helped me to be forward looking...i dreaded 'open house' and didnt know how to 'organise' gatherings....but over these 18 months, this place has been well visited and well used for a few occasions....From one that was in isolation for years, and sought reclusion.... i saw sunlight, felt cheeriness and looked forward every time the kids say they want to visit.....not just this group of kids....the year 4s are also a special bunch to me.

i no longer worry if i need to do anything extra, or that i need to talk to any or every one of them....its just so nice to see them, and to see them chatting away with each other....
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when we are/were young, we categorise our 'friends'...good friends, close friends, best friends, companions, friend we eat with, friends we do certain things with..... and many of these come and go...as life circumstances change....and they will change.... whatever we vouch/vow..... i should know....friends had always been closer to me than my actual blood ties....

what dylan wrote so intuitively about 403 struck me....  its a family...he put it across pointedly and aptly....just as gerlynn mentioned in her post, i was very touched by what he wrote...

yes, thats the family spirit... i hope this family spirit will abide...

a family is one that welcomes its members with open arms, there is warmth, there is 亲情。Yes, thats 403.... :)



i cant say whether it will last...but i know, i value it immensely.....

Ms Sie < 3 403 Event

This event came about because with the university term starting soon, and those going abroad will be flying off some time in aug/sept, its a gathering to catch up before the parting. With 2 girls not in Spore, 19 out of 21 came were definitely more than i had hoped for. It was particularly nice to see those who had not been here, and those who had not been in touch.

There was alot of noise, alot of exchanges, alot of cross-talks....just seeing them....make me happy. I see the subtle growth and change in some....and wondered what they would be like, some ten years, twenty years on....

I can understand why sometimes parents dont want to see their kids grow up. But seeing them growing up is also gratifying! The boys have really come out well through the NS stint....they have taken it so much better and much more positively than I had anticipated. I really realised 2 years of service is really a sacrifice for every male citizen. The girls have been good to be supportive and hearing their escapades.

It was a nice 6 hour session.... i admit, i wish it could be longer. But book-out time is precious, and they have to share the this short freedom amidst competing demands. That they are almost all here is really very good.

i realised also for some of them, it may be a long time before i see them again. And in many ways, it is unlikely to have such a big company together in this manner again. Whoever who came up with 天下无不散之宴席，spoke aptly.

I cant deny that it is not without that feeling of loss, to see them leave. But I am also fully aware that I am very fortunate to have such lovely students that had made alot of difference for me over the last 4 years. I am very content, and happy.

Rachel was the one that came out with the name of the event: Ms Sie <3 403.  I thought it was a strange title for a gathering event. But now I see how appropriate it is. Yes, i wanted to see them cos to me they are like my children, and yes, I do <3 403.  I really, really, really want to see each and every one of them safe, well, and happy. Honestly, i am very proud of them.

jm asked me if i was going to their passing out parade. I do have regular music lesson at that time. And dl said, but 403 is the music of your life. It came across rather spontaneously and though it was said in jest, it touched a chord. I will probably try to make it just to have one more occasion to be with them....

Thus ended this day, a lovely day, with a special Ms Sie <3 403 event..... awaiting gy to upload the photos.....

looking back...

i do have a habit, in low bouts, to read back what it was like a year, 2 years ago... and did do so...

when i read through the posts, i can see that i have actually came through a long way....i also felt many were poignantly expressed...and i could feel as it was then...

why is 08303/09403 so special? i dont really know... actually at the start, i thought they didnt like me... i also dont know how we hit off... but i know it was because 09403 was to come to an end, that i was persuaded to keep 'in touch' via a blog...so december 2009, the birth of this blog....

and when the end of 2011 came, and the kids were going to leave nush, that i agreed to having an fb account to better keep in touch....

this blog has really been the life-saver for me....my companion, and a helpful sounding board... i am grateful to have capture the memories and the many passing thoughts....

life ahead will probably be 清淡。As the years go by, the kids will grow up and each looking for their own destiny....each time, as i record my thoughts in this place, i will always remember them...

Thanks. Many thanks.

Miscellaneous thoughts...

Was having a text conversation with kyc just now, and she said many boys going into ns this week. True....i guess abit of maternal concerns...

Going to ns is quite an 'event' . I remembered when my batch of peers went, (and those were really hard days!), yes, i was worried for friends that were close. In those days, you can 'see them off'. I didnt. But i was worried.

After that it was a non-event. Teaching girls, the event never occur. And when i taught in a mixed/all boys sch, by the time students go in, they are quite distant, after jc or poly and not in close contact. Until nephews went in. For zg, there was anxiety when health problem surfaced for awhile.

This is the first batch of my own kids going in. I look forward to 2 years later, writing about their ord. Well, boys have to grow to be men. And this is one of the process. Ok, whatever shadowy anxiety, it is a phase that has to be borne. The kids are mostly fit, sensible, and should come through well. One or two may have a little dificulty 'fitting in', but then that is life. It is a learning process.

And it is still not being thrown into society to fend for yourself. It is a training institution that will also account for their welfare. So mustnt worry. As st says... it should be ok de. Ya, it should.

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yesterday was quite an event.... more than 60 kids were here! Didnt expect it actually. I thought about 30-40, so should be manageable. But to start with, i was tired. And my place was actually a huge mess. Just clearing it (actually hiding it is more accurate) over the week was sufficient to wear me out. Thankfully Patrick came in to help with getting miscellaneous.

I was really happy to see every one, and also thought of those I didnt see. Of course, it was impossible to have any conversation of depth, but it still provided that touch, that contact. I cant say if it was because i had left nush, or because of what had taken place, or its me always being sentimental, but the kids epecially these 2 special batches somehow mean alot to me.

Conversations with the older kids are always more of depth. Of cos 09403 people are always special. But I was glad to see the others as well, whether i had taught them actually or not is not important. It is just nice to see them growing up. Some people say the growing phases of babies, and toddlers are phases not to be missed. Personally, i am not a baby person. I find it gratifying to see the growing phases from adolescence to gradual adulthood. But it also means seeing and sharing their ups and downs....

and another unusual thing, i actually enjoy writing the letter of reference for each of them... it is like documenting their growth and being proud of telling others how good my kids are! :) Ya, i think i am not quite normal....

the last group left at 2310pm. I was sorry when each of them left. I guess I was wondering when will i see them again. It was easy when all was in school.


Still, it was a treat to me, seeing them here, and hopefully, most are happy. Yes, Louisa May Alcott Jo's Boys came to mind again. I remembered when I read it at 14(?), I did identify with her, and her boys. So, in some ways, part of a dream fulfilled.

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the next 6 weeks is going to be unmitigating hard work. I have lost momentum, especially in my own dissertation. Sigh!

At the moment, there is a sense of mission, to help the kids believe in themselves, and be willing to work hard to attain to a higher platform of growth. I would need stamina to last out. In some ways, it is more difficult than blss cos there are more students here. Whilst i think, some have been motivated, whether they can sustain, and have enough determination and perseverance would be the crux. I hope 9 months from now, I will see what i wish to see for each of them....

=================================at the same time, i also realise, with age catching up, this may not be sustainable for me.....

ss called me just now, and suggested we have a talk in june over plans next year. i said, i wouldnt know by then. I really wouldnt.

I know i need not 'look for direction' anymore cos i only need to enjoy what i am doing. On the other hand, i would still wish to optimise effort....for the next generation.So what next year? dont know. Only the first month of this year and already 3 persons have raised possibilities of the paths next year.... I know what i wont want is to 'just make a living'. So unlikely to continue on with ss actually....

follow heart? follow mind? follow what? ......sigh....

Breaking Inertia

Cooking

Over the last 11 months, though I keep saying I would start cooking, it never happened. The first person that actually made use of my kitchen was Junyan. That was the start of moving the inertia.

I knew when the 403s come, I could have opted for ordering food in. It is more than 2 years since I really cooked. The inertia was great, but the incentive was greater. I decided to cook. There was alot more work than I could manage. I have certainly slowed down. Age. Sigh. But I still got a few decent dishes out, especially the curry. Nothing makes me happier than to hear, this taste like home-cooked curry. And so it did.

I must get back into form with cooking. sk and zl were looking forward to it. It isnt just cooking, its the marketing, planning, and most of all, it is the remembrance of what makes mum's home a home, her cooking.

Frankly, it didnt turn out the way i wanted ie i had hoped, i could get the whole range of food out like buffet. but alas, my back was breaking, and it was easier to cancel a couple of dishes, and relied on the grill and self-cook stuff.

conversations are as usual, hypothetical, comical, and fun.
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Midnight Walk

Finally, 9 camped overnite. Wanted to bring them to see the very nice bridge, but of course, as usual, my sense of direction was iffy. Didnt take the path I wanted, and well, in the end, we took a long time to reach the bridge. But it was a very nice midnight walk.

I had felt bad not knowing where I was heading; but all the kids were very nice about it. Seriously, they are one of the nicest people around. Thinking, yet easy-going; independent in thought, yet, good listeners and very considerate. If these were my kids, i would really be very fortunate. Just having them as ex-students is itself a joy.


I lived 40 years of my life, with 2 persons that are intolerant of errors and weakness. One could call them perfectionist which they were, but actually, what they show are traits of obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd). Things must be done their way. And anything not in line with the way they want, they showed their unhappiness, with little regard to others. Sometimes causing utter misery. What they see as their 'stand'/ 'standard' is actually, selfishness and self-seeking. If I had led them in the wrong path, and took a much longer route, I would have to bear the brunt of vent and tirade.

That is a very long time to be under such a shackle. And it has its impact. I came across another character, not as strong, but with the same tendencies. That brought alot of unpleasant memories. Thankfully, I was able to struggle out of it, and refuse to be a victim of people with ocd, and be bullied by them.

In that sense, I am always worried about making mistakes that affect others, as i was when I realised I didnt know which way to walk. To be assured again and again by the kids, that it was alright even if we didnt reach our destination, that the company was all everyone enjoyed, there was no goal to reach, no need to think too much (though we did need to get back!), made this walk a very pleasant one for me.

No longer under pressure, under bonds, and expectation. And a few of us saw a falling star. It was memorable to me. And I recalled a similar walk at the start of the year. So actually this year, has started in a pleasant way, and looked like, it is heading toward a pleasant end.

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It was a lovely time. The boys will be enlisted soon. And the girls will be going to uni. This is a precious moment before the diverging path. Seriously, I am really fortunate to have met such wonderfully nice kids.

I am glad to have broken that inertia. I used to be very tough on myself. I have since learnt, no need. Only when one is ready, then move on, and forward.

Thanks, kids, for giving me that incentive to. Just by being yourself.

Prom nite

This is the first time in my life I attended students' prom nite. I had flatly refused in my other school because to me, it doesnt make sense to have prom at secondary school. Then I never liked social occasions.

But I was comfortable with this occasion. Cant explain why. Its not a social thing somehow. Its just a gathering, to share with their completing an important milestone of their life.

I was just comfortable from the start to the end. One of the things i dislike about social occasions is having to make small talks. There was no need to. The teachers I sat with were all those who like the batch and shared the same sentiments with me, seeing them grew over the years. We enjoyed the photo montage, figuring out who is who, laughing with them over some silliness; enjoying their performances. Basically, nothing was contrived. That was nice.

I liked to see them dressed up, especially the boys. :) Over the last 2 days, I managed to fulfil my wish, of taking photos with all the 8 girls of 403, singly or in a group. As for the boys, 12 out of 15. Not bad. The girls are all so pretty. And the boys are growing up to be gentlemen. I really like this big family.

Today is the third day over 3 weeks that I am painkiller free. I was a little worried that attending the dinner may trigger off the headache again. But despite the noise and crowd, it didnt. I can only sum the evening with 2 "c"s : Comfortable and Contentment

Whether I get the photos or not, each of them are captured in my mind. The thought did cross my mind as I was driving back, that this is truly the end. They have truly graduated, and we wont take photos like that again. One can give way to sentimentalism, and the sense of poignancy; but no, we must move on. They have a stretch ahead of them. Some may worry; some may have reservations and anxiety over the unknown. But I am sure these lovely memories, this comradeship, this comaraderie will propel them forward. And I want to wish them well; very well. And give them moral support.

These kids have really made me very happpy. Thank You! :D

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It was particularly nice to catch up with fll and j ang at the dinner. There are some people you may not see for many years, yet there is this mutual bond, that we just picked up from where we left, and there is still that understanding and the same heart and mind. Really wonderful.

I like the way j settled in so comfortably in a neighbourhood school, and showed the same enthusiasm, optismism and care as I had seen him when he was a relatively young teacher at nush. He is a talent, and one that is truly compassionate and committed. Very heartening and encouraging. We need more of such people, who seek for the welfare of the next generation.

fll of course is, as always, in a class of her own, always humble, always inspiring, an exemplar in the teaching fraternity. A++ teacher. My role model.

I met both in my first year in nush, and really count it my privilege to have known them. Gratifying. Some day, we may work together again. And though that is highly unlikely, each of us, in our way, however small, each, wherever we are, are working for the same ideal. We may be at different schools, yet our objective is the same. No barriers. Its really a nice feeling.

I am content tonite. Very. Because it is so meaningful.

and the kids graduate...

actually 'graduate' should be reserved for uni degree course. But now we have little 'graduates' from kindergarten to big 'graduates' from uni....

so well the kids graduate.

i was happy to see them do so. some still have that 'kiddish' look. some have grown taller. some hadnt. quite a few can see better (urm... well they didnt need glasses anymore), many have grown prettier...and they are as happy as ever!

four years to me, six years to them. What a wonderful way of growing up together. I like the valec speech. The stress of friendship, comradeship, holding hands moving forward. Nice.

Was I sentimental? Actually no. I cant say there is that sense of 'pride' that they had achieved. It wasnt any of their attainments that I am proud of. I was just happy to see them 'grown up'. I really like to see them! :)

If I was 'emo', it was at the school song bit. I always liked nush school song. It is very meaningful. And it will probably be the last time I am singing it. I really wish....

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have seen and perceived alot more things these two days and am certain, decision has been right for myself. Its the kids that I have left behind that tugged at my heart. But that has been settled. Dont look back.

Now whats left? prom nite, reference letters, packing.... this is probably the hardest part....

and the first step to the less trodden path. I dont know where the path will lead. But I feel that sense of liberty. And simplicity.

No longer shackled to conjured grandoise, delusive glory, convoluted duplicity, lofty illusions.

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Returning back to simple in virtue, steadfast in duty. This is the foundation of my education.

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I hope the kids will value the foundation that had been laid, and built upon it, their aspirations, with diligence guided by a good conscience, and never allow covetousness, vain glory and pride to overtake them.

dr eeyore says hi to....

Dont know if you will be dropping by, but if u do, doctor eeyore says he is looking forward to see u! Keep smiling, Keep happy, Keep positive! :)

turning points....point of inflexion?

Bad nite...tossing and turning... I am not a person that like change, much less changes. ...sigh....

i am a die hard sentimentalist... so well there are alot alot of conflicts...

i actually said to sk that i thought of getting a place around here just to stay within the neighbourhood where i had been my whole life... both she and bil said no... i guess not practical in the long run... whatever, that had to be faced by next year...

They say change is one of the 2 constants in life.

Someone asked me if i write haiku . I did, when i was in school... was thinking of venting out via haiku... but no inspiration. Haiku is a 3 line prose with 5-7-5 syllables, usually on a subject/theme about nature... this is the simplest explanation. Originates from Japanese. And I thought...try something...

change is a turning

point or an inflexion point

remains to be seen.....

Feeble attempt... I know...that was the analogy that came to my mind...mathematical language and poetry just doesnt merge... So i thought illustrate with pictures, and to my amazement, there are loads of them on them, and I am not the only one that think like that!!!! O well... i am not so unique after all. :)

[Caveat: i do not take any financial risk, the graph above is merely to show that there are others who can map life events to math. Also as at this point, change to me is not associated with fear... more to unsettling...]

And thanks Ji Eun for the hug yesterday... i really like running into the kids along the corridor, in the canteen.... i like to see them growing up, and happy.... these are moments i will cherish....

I see the kids grow....

this is to say thank you very much to the 16 kids that had helped on monday or/and tuesday evening/night....in total it was nearly 6 hours... and i know none of them would dream of asking for cip... it wouldnt even cross their mind at all...

honestly i had been quite worried about this task for various reasons...... i was really very relieved to see them all packed and ready.
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but more than this relief is the joy and pride to see the kids grow... i dont understand alot of their lives anymore, but it made me happy to see them considerate and helpful; working with initiative, plan, thought and coordination.

i observed alot of things:

The leaders among them, whilst still having 'the lead' now subsumed as a team; one does not see the dominance, like it had been 2 years ago... (some of them are helping for the third time...)

The way the teams worked, differently but reaching the same end ;

Coordination within each team checking one another without 'criticalness';

NO show of tension, irritation or temper;

Cheerfulness and enjoyment in what they do; the accommodation and understanding that comes with the years of doing things together;

The carefulness and attitude of accountability....
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there is a wise saying that goes "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts". Many heard of this, but very very few really understands it. This can only happen when there is true leadership and team spirit. And this is very rare....

to the kids who helped, maybe it was just 2 evenings( nites) of doing something else other than study time. What they did not realise is that each such experience helps each of them to be better team players; and give insight to coordinating complexities; and nurture leadership in everyone.

when i see this naturally exudes from them..... i feel very happy.... it is not just seeing them grow... it is seeing them grow meaningfully...

it is therapeutic to be with the kids......i learnt alot just observing them...

thanks alot for two lovely evenings of joyful company...... :)

I miss 403...

Just drop by gerlynn's blog, as I do from time to time.... to see how the young people are.... we are really mountains apart....in every way.... but it is very lovely to see them so happy and bubbling with life and vitality....

and she wrote 'I miss 403....'

Yes, so do I.... what i will miss most when nush days end for me:

1) 303/403....

i was really very very lucky to have this class... to this day, I remember the first time i met some of them in dec 2007 induction... ji eun asking questions;junyan looking timid; quzhi declaring he will be taking spore citizenship....

and the very first day i met them during orientation.... and the days thereafter.

I dont need photographs to capture the memories... like seeing stuart doing the dominoes at nus amazing race, seeing gerlynn 'throwing tantrum' on the floor, going to the nus labs for amazing race and the strange riddles...all of which stuart tang could answer and i wondered why.... weijin leaving his hp or wallet in the bus and was late... bernard looking for me becos they found kittens playing hide and seek!!! kashing, aikann and dylan trying to mislead me who is who...and aikann acting as a 'maid' in the skit...;

first sem wasnt that easy actually with them cos well, i guess, some really didnt take on to me...and i really really thought they didnt like me; i felt i was too old to teach actually and felt very inferior cos the teachers here were all so young....

but i think toward the end, all did? :) They always made me happy....their greeting was always so cheery; they did funny things, didnt seem to understand when to be serious when they should, and i have learnt to tone down things that are not of their 'maturity level'.... and honestly, most of them didnt really worked that hard... had they, they could have done very well....

but they were happy to do just okay... the important thing was they were happy, and contented... that was the beautiful part of them. ...

They dont (at least most) dont compete for glory, but they were motivated when they want to; cant say they do their best in projects....standard was really disappointing...

But they were happy....and very contented, and it is lovely to see when all around people are so discontent...

and they were really cooperative... i never had problem with attendance, temperature taking etc.... we were almost always the first to submit! :) Good sprint, aik ann.

i like module survey.... it helped communicate that after all the kids did know i care, that they did understand... and knowing that they accept me, and do receive what I taught them at ace especially was very encouraging, and gave me a lot of confidence to teach... actually confidence is vital in teaching... just as confidence is very important in any performance.... with confidence, you can soar about your own limits.....

i really owe it to 303/403... for helping me build up my confidence... in particular the humility shown by kashing in his quiet pointing out of a different method or inconsistencies.... he may be 'loud' and naughty.... but he was always unassuming about his abilities... very admirable.

Not that i didnt like 407 and 408. Well 407 got a brilliant Ryan that is far above my ability...and i was too concious of that .... and 408 was fun.... i enjoyed them and actually did like them... but i think i didnt mean much to them.... somehow i felt i was not good enough to teach them...

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2) 2008 sem 1

it was a struggle to adjust, to pitch, to understand the school system, and to teach the kids well. I withdrew from the Masters course at that time...

had i not, I would have completed it by now... nevertheless i have no regrets for the decision... i wouldnt have done my best for the kids and school, and i would have hated that... i entered into a new unknown zone.. and i should put in my best.

i did feel inferior to many, if not all of them both in age, qualification and ability and that was quite hard to overcome. I felt age was a real liability, the butt of many jokes, which they didnt seem to realise is rather cruel, a thing i never did when i was young. Some of the remarks really hurt and yes, i remember....... still...

but my course was alway kept in focus.... what education means to me, what being an educatior is, and well they are young....

That sem however was the best sem in my nush days i concentrate fully and only on teaching, was always up to date with marking; kept to myself, and really enjoyed the team I was working with.... they were varied and very refreshing... i felt very comfortable.... and yes, happy...

Life was relatively uncomplicated... didnt get drawn into anything... I consciously made sure of that.....i just stayed at my place and just work... very few managed to get me out to even eat a meal... only the one or two that i was really comfortable with... i was contented then....

there was no conflicts with anyone; not too many issues that i bother with, no clashes of ideologies, working was consultative and harmonious... i looked forward to work everyday... was in school early, usually by 0630, and never need to stay past 5 unless there were meetings/special occasions.....

there were many good conversations and sharings... this period will remain a time i will miss.

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(3) Through phases of difficulties, i met some wonderful people....kyc I will always remember to be among the first to help me over a very rough patch by showing she cared; cvl for understnd and empathy; ld for the special bond; sy for another special bond in our common love and feel for teaching; and many more, more than in any place i have been... i will miss them, very much

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i understand gerlynn's declaration.... some things are past and gone; it is poignant as those moment of joys ... time does not allow us to turn things back... but that we have lovely memories alone, is a joy.and a pain..

For me, when i left teaching in 2000, i never thought i would have this chance of feeling the joy of teaching again. Though things had not been the way one had wished... the feeling that I have had the chance to feel the joys of teaching, of being in a school, and a very good school, I am really very blessed indeed.

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It is good that we miss things/people.... it shows the humanity in us... that we care and feel...

New Year 2010

Must confess didnt feel very much about 'new year' this year....usually before the end of the year, i do take pains to clear up mess at home; clear bills, claims....look at diary, and best of all, calendars....my favourite...swiping up cats/kitties calendars.....

LS bought me a hanging one and a daily desk daily one....i did hang it up yesterday....but didnt do anything much otherwise. I actually attended end of year mtg without remembering to bring in the new diary to record....the first time i can remember that i forgot cos i usually get quite excited about using new diaries.

still, it wasnt altogether in the doldrums....or a sense of helplessness or foreboding...

more a sense of soldiering on, forging forward, and still the same, lets live life meaningfully....my only worry is running out of stamina.....must say it is easy to feel very tired...and that is not good when driving....have been taking regular power naps.....that 15-20 min makes alot of difference...not many however understand or know how to take power naps....those who know will know what i mean.

mum is on the whole still happy, looking forward to cny....we are really hoping symptoms will hold out till then.....increasingly it is now left mainly again to sk and myself....and S1 some mornings....i dont mind. have to admit, i prefer not to have some ties...

am quite glad to get card from ky today. very glad and relieved. I was devastated, very devastated when she just left like that in july; i was angry with myself, with LS, with school....i just felt my priority has been all wrong. I knew there was issue but didnt take time to resolve it, and all was too late....i was momentarily bitter and really very pained then. Whatever. I will never forget what I owe her, and really couldnt come to terms then.....i am really very glad for the exchanges the last few weeks...and today. That we can reconcile. She is really my most valued friend.

Looking back, it has been a year I feel most lost....never found my direction amidst the mountains of work and upheavals of life.... window smashing into carscreen...anr accident 8 days after....all those conflicts that i really hate.... and the spiral down.....twice over.....It was a year that i just ploughed and endured, and held on somehow...

Among the people I am grateful for, these came to mind....

Again 403..... when my spirit was so low so often....stepping into this class, or on the way to canteen...the greetings Hello Ms C, never fails to cheer me up. It was as if they were so happy to see me! I dont know whether they really do, but it is nice to feel u made a difference to someone....and to a class...well, its nice. :)

i must say also alot of people in sch, in particular vl and ld that are really empathetic companions, sy who always respond to my need for help; pc who always 'listen' via emails; and touches of kindess and support from sm that make alot of difference to me and help me stay on in the school that i did like very much from the start, and still do....and many other special pple in sch that make one feel loved like kyc, te, ftt, lsf.,ht, ncl, fll, lhc.....and latterly rc....yes it always matters that u mean sth to someone...

i remember when i was very down once, pc keep telling me, u have alot of friends and she wld list them, and it was helpful....

the viet trip was also very meaningful to me... and really one of the positive highlights of the year....

'shopping' for a car was also another thing quite memorial. :) must say ht and ncl were really patient with me....it took me nearly a year b4 deciding on one....

taking 6206 was also special....got to know quite nice kids and really glad to have taken that on....

so it was not a bad year, despite feeling so lost, hurt and bewildered for most parts....

2010 is not going to be easy....but i want to make it meaningful....

mum just woke....she is now talking to me abt the 'end' arrangements....dont know what to say....except to say, dont think so much...really don t know what to say....sk gone for wedding dinner with bil.....she ask to see 400H for the last time.....i told her she can see as often as she wants and she can go back anytime she wants.....actually i felt she knew all along the end is near. but i cant understand why she does not want to return back, and chose to stay with sk. I dare not ask. i dare not know why either....i dont want to think....

this is what i dread most about 2010.....

Today, Gerlynn finally help set up this blog. It is not my intention to be 'in', I never need that cos I never want to be 'in'....strangely, I am happy being the way I am, and not add on to being 'in' with anyone, any group. Those times, I made myself 'join in' is often the times that I feel least 'me'.



But I love to write....and some months ago, I still thought lets just start here....if that will gradually some day lead to writing a book. I will never write a novel....reality is too real for me....if I was to write, I did think, the book that I will write is Reflections of Papa....someday I will write...



I have reached a stage in life, that the feeling of being 'over the hill' does sometimes feel overwhelming. But I also know I have alot to give, and want to give....and hope through this means, to share reflections that perchance may be helpful to fellow travellers in this short earthly pilgrimage.



So this is a start....what good that can be done....let us do....



I must say without the kids in 403, I will never venture this far....but i really love the many sharing sessions we have over mentoring....there are things on my mind....and i will create hypothetical situations to know what they think, how they think, and see things from different perspectives...i will miss those times....



this is not a substitute....but from them, I reflect, I thought more and want to share more...so this is a start...thanks Gerlynn and all the 403 kids who never 'laugh' at me for being 'backward' but encourage, share and help me and gave me confidence that I could still teach...so first entry...is special thanks to this lot of special kids.....

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