last post of 2013

I don't think I would have time to write later in the day....so this is a time for summary of this year...

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I looked back into the entries, particularly from Dec 2012 to Feb 2013. I saw progress, growth, and losses...

2013 has been a year of entering into what I would say, to me, is a phase leading to the end, which to me, the end of the journey is the glorious hope of which I seek for, from youth, the knowledge of God, and a heavenly country.

Nevertheless, in this present earthly frame, one still tends to feel too much, too deeply, care too much...

Then I remember what st said yesterday, whether there is such a thing as trying too hard? So is there such a thing as caring too much? I guess one feels it when one is overwhelmed, and when the pain seems interminable.

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2013....perhaps I should "get over the losses" first.

mr soon that had played such a significant role in the last 20 years, had waned significantly. I am still in regular touch with him, to check his welfare. But no longer, can I turn to him the way I had. He is really more than a family member to me in the way he had taken care of things for me.

People under-rate all the needs required to keep a house going. And for one managing alone, and no longer what I was, yes, it is not easy. But, I know, I have been blessed with many many many years of faithful service and help, and am very very thankful, and only wish to do what I can for him from now on.....

this year had also been a 'difficult' year in communication with ttk. it was somewhat liked what it was some 5 years back over some education issues, and that had strained things for a couple of years..... perhaps email communication depend on how one reads the tone of writing. whatever, there have been upheavals, and I guess, to me, unnecessary. One can agree to disagree, and respect positions. i don't quite get how it reached this point....somewhere somehow, maybe i missed something? i don't know. but i guess, i no longer try too hard. friendship should be comfortable, and with forbearance...

because this bond has mean a lot to me, yes, it has pained me, when I feel, I have to finally make my own views. he is a very very valued friend.... so whether, true care and concern will surmount the differences remain to be seen. but, it adds a very sad note for me.

the lack of  progress with respect to the dissertation render this my greatest non achievement of the year. don't want to write further. I have to say I am deeply disappointed with myself. And yes, I may give it up altogether.  will see how....

brownee not being well has caused a lot of distress. But I am determined to give her the best natural care, and to value every moments with T n B, and at their end, to 'celebrate' their life, because I know I have brought love, comfort, warmth and security to them, and they would not have had a better home. I will try to be positive. Very positive. I hope, I hope, they will be with me for a few more years....

and I guess the deepest pain is from ties that I knew would not stand. when I read what I had written a year ago, I guess, I already knew. there have been many issues in family relationships. for all that took place, I have held my position, that I will be there for them in need, and remains the one in communication with every family, in particular with the younger generation. Ironically, i am more certain than before, that where dependability is concerned, i would need to build my own base.

but no drama here. its a practical fact. even if one is settled down with a family, one cant be certain how things will turn to the end. whilst i had resolved to be there to the end for my parents, and literally was, by the grace of God, and did all i could for them, i never expect the same for myself.

In fact, i am getting more and more conscious of the fear of being ' a burden'. I never could understand, when i see, in some shows, why some at their end, didn't want to be seen, at their 'worst'. after all, its part of nature. But, i realised, now, the same mentality is with me. If i could escape somewhere and walked into sunset, i will. But i know, this is not the way.

I guess, for me, i have totally no confidence of the 'love' of family. The fact is, well, if there was, it is because I 'earned' it, for what i have been to them. zl said twice to me, this year, family ties are important, and he care. i guess he does..... And well, somehow, that is not sustainable. If out of duty, out of gratitude, it wont be.

and for those that i had impacted, especially, my kids, i don't want their remembrance of me to be marred by my frailities. i would wish to be always the one to be there for them, always positive, and wise. i realised that is not possible. And that is something i am coming to terms with...

I hope, days would really be shorter for me.

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i visited mum's graveyard and dad at the columbarium yesterday, alone, ie without any siblings. I decided it is time that i just be myself, and no longer keep thinking of 'making peace' for others. P was game to drive me, without letting his parents know.

I think it was the best visit. i was at peace. Practically, we cleared the things that needed to be cleared. I was at peace i guess because i don't have to be with others, to hear what they do or what they feel. Because i would be wordless anyway. and i guess, how i feel about mum and dad, they never knew. 

some depths run very very deep. there will never be words for these depths. and silence is a better balm.

i guess, yes, this is the first of many steps that i will take, to be myself. don't always consider for others. unnecessarily.

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2013 is a strange year. In that, things were not 'expected' as before. I only did a month of relief teaching, and i cant say it was a memorable one.

A lot of twists in events. From wc and lk visit, which inadvertently brought up some 'buried' unresolved issues. I did write. And I saw the response. As i had expected. And so i guess that phase of 20 years is closed. It pains me, especially the loss of a very valued person. But, everyone will have to answer for their own decision.

the good that came out of this is warmer fellowship, though across a vast distance. but it is really warm and very much appreciated.

Then the persistent chronic pains, some serious concerns at one point, had in the end, turned out to be a blessing, in that, i have finally taken positive steps to watch many things that i had not bothered, particularly exercises and nutrition. And yes, despite bouts of flu and the first pneumonia of my life, i am possibly healthier than before. 2014 will test that out. I have to thank tcm and in particular zh for the treatment, positive approach and encouragement.

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what are the things that i will remember 2013 for?

i enjoy all my tuition lessons with my kids. And especially teaching t1 and t2.

i cleared grade 6 against all odds. Grateful thanks to Chris.

i cleared one semester of tcm course. It was not as easy as it seems, but i did it, and without too much strain. And learnt a lot in the process. This will be put on hold for 2014 whilst i see how things fall out in the year.

and i can 'swim' half of breadth of a pool? many thanks to kt's coaching. And to zh and ca for encouraging me to swim, that nothing is too late to do so. and not just swimming, except for the bouts of illness, i now try to exercise half an hour a few times in a week....i know i must keep myself going....

i value the communications with each kid as they grow....and when they take time for me, i really appreciate it.

i value the friendships with those who care, and show they care. And those who are special, are still special.

and particularly over the last few weeks of the year, i value each occasion that i can do a little good each day...to make things a little better, happier for a little someone....i learn to live day by day and to live each day meaningfully, and this i hope which begins now, will continue to the end....

2013 is one of those journeys that has no starting or ending point. it was just a journey....

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And with the end of every year, i record my thanks and gratitude to many many friends and especially ex students. Particularly touch by those who did manage to find me out after so many years, and the many that always assure me that they are there.

i know if one was to compare post to post, it may seem, i am less thankful. actually, i am very very thankful. i guess the transience of things hit me harder and i have to sort out some things within myself, especially after the unexpected spiral that had left such a deep dent to recover.....but i will pick up. 

there is no need to compare. there is no need to keep striving to higher grounds....there is no need to measure.... 

just a little good each day....till the end.....every day is a new beginning....even as it crosses into another year.....

and again to my very dear friends, ex students, and the younger generation of my family, thank you very much for the love and care.


End 2013

and just now....

and just now, I know I made a 5 year old boy, very happy...... have been looking forward to seeing him after meeting him once a couple of months ago, crying in the lift in common wealth because he couldn't find his 爷爷who took him out. went to look for him just now, with some Christmas prezzies, and he looked so happy! obviously family is from china, and yes, i have a soft spot for those who uprooted and come here from afar to make this part of their home.

i hope this may form a tiny piece of his pleasant childhood memories. very sweet kid. one good deed today. makes me very happy too.

return to simplicity...

I read this in fb. someone wrote, how does one measure success, by whose standard? someone replied, why must success be measured?

these words struck my mind. among the many reasons for my downsittings these days, is perhaps my own measure of myself this year, and as the year come very close to the end, perhaps cumulatively, it reflects many many empty pages. I never measure by tangibility, much less materially. but I guess it would have been good to be a little more fruitful? and at least, accomplishing what one should and could?

why must I measure? taking stock is good. it brings one to a pause. looking back itself is also good. learning takes place when one looks back and reflect. Not regret.

but sometimes, it may be too painful to take stock. especially when waning seeps in.....that will, that drive, that focus and determination that had characterised me.....that had also hit me hard, the waning.... but one can wane graciously.


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what I have learnt to do, each day, now, no matter the inner being, to do a little good each day, and that day is counted meaningful. something as little, as teaching t2, to spell thirteen in a way he enjoys. little good is sufficient. this is how I encourage myself each day.

return to simplicity, ssh.

Psalm 121

Psalm 121

 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

² My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
³ He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵ The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
⁷ The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
⁸ The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

i will

i haven't written....actually couldn't write....words cant flow....

can a picture be painted by silence? in a way, yes....emptiness and nothingness...

within, it has been a crisis.... in the bleakness, I know nothing is absolute.

without, is a scene of normality. within, the gradual crumbling has to be moulded back, like clay in a pottery work....old pottery....at least as long as time still is.

and by now, yes, there is somewhat some semblance of a mould to hold on.

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for me, the remembrance that I am a stranger and pilgrim upon this earth, looking for a better country, whose builder and founder is God, has been the source of my strength and hope.

it is not one sees without, it is what one sees within. keeping up an exterior is not difficult for me. done it all my life. el said I just don't show. how to show? have never been a drama person. will never be.

and it isn't that I need what is outward to give me hope to live. I have always held on to the words, it is more blessed to give than to receive. I know, and I really know, I have a lot of friends that care, and really care. And if I only need say, I really need them, I know, I would have them with me.

and really, I still say, I would rather suffer hurt, than be one that cause hurt. I cant live with myself when I cause hurt.

but I guess, all my life, I wanted most is the love in a family. all my life. I used to say and think, friends are more important to me than family. but I realised at the end of the day, family is family. It is not replaceable.

so it is not quite easy, when you see what you see, and realise what you realise, no matter how much you already know.

I guess, it didn't hurt as much as the time some 11 years back by now. that took me 5 years to pick up, and another 5 years to recover.... 

at least there are no platitudes here. it has been as it always had been. I just need to adjust myself and the angle I have seen things. And let go.

it hadn't help, being down with flu yet again...hardly a week of well being before going down another bout the last 3 months....thankfully, there had been reserves built up that still hold out, despite the unwellness.
 
and brownee has been sick over the past 2-3 months. had her second steroid jab yesterday. she has been very whiny, and dr N described her as a 'needy cat'.....yes, she is....and i really want to do all I can for her.....so yes,it all didn't help.

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I will pick up again.

I didn't want to write, because I know it is hard to keep positive. And I don't want to be negative.

But God is faithful, and will be my guide till the end. I am picking up. I will pick up.

To me, it is just one last stretch. I have completed my duties upon this earth. I should not stress myself over undertakings upon this earth. In whatever I have the strength to do, I hope only to do good especially to the young. The kindnesses that I have received, that had helped me to this day, I should pass on, however insignificant......the Lord granting me strength within....

I will think of the things that are positive, that are pure, that are of good report...I will remember my silver linings. I will.