i will

i haven't written....actually couldn't write....words cant flow....

can a picture be painted by silence? in a way, yes....emptiness and nothingness...

within, it has been a crisis.... in the bleakness, I know nothing is absolute.

without, is a scene of normality. within, the gradual crumbling has to be moulded back, like clay in a pottery work....old pottery....at least as long as time still is.

and by now, yes, there is somewhat some semblance of a mould to hold on.

======================

for me, the remembrance that I am a stranger and pilgrim upon this earth, looking for a better country, whose builder and founder is God, has been the source of my strength and hope.

it is not one sees without, it is what one sees within. keeping up an exterior is not difficult for me. done it all my life. el said I just don't show. how to show? have never been a drama person. will never be.

and it isn't that I need what is outward to give me hope to live. I have always held on to the words, it is more blessed to give than to receive. I know, and I really know, I have a lot of friends that care, and really care. And if I only need say, I really need them, I know, I would have them with me.

and really, I still say, I would rather suffer hurt, than be one that cause hurt. I cant live with myself when I cause hurt.

but I guess, all my life, I wanted most is the love in a family. all my life. I used to say and think, friends are more important to me than family. but I realised at the end of the day, family is family. It is not replaceable.

so it is not quite easy, when you see what you see, and realise what you realise, no matter how much you already know.

I guess, it didn't hurt as much as the time some 11 years back by now. that took me 5 years to pick up, and another 5 years to recover.... 

at least there are no platitudes here. it has been as it always had been. I just need to adjust myself and the angle I have seen things. And let go.

it hadn't help, being down with flu yet again...hardly a week of well being before going down another bout the last 3 months....thankfully, there had been reserves built up that still hold out, despite the unwellness.
 
and brownee has been sick over the past 2-3 months. had her second steroid jab yesterday. she has been very whiny, and dr N described her as a 'needy cat'.....yes, she is....and i really want to do all I can for her.....so yes,it all didn't help.

===================
I will pick up again.

I didn't want to write, because I know it is hard to keep positive. And I don't want to be negative.

But God is faithful, and will be my guide till the end. I am picking up. I will pick up.

To me, it is just one last stretch. I have completed my duties upon this earth. I should not stress myself over undertakings upon this earth. In whatever I have the strength to do, I hope only to do good especially to the young. The kindnesses that I have received, that had helped me to this day, I should pass on, however insignificant......the Lord granting me strength within....

I will think of the things that are positive, that are pure, that are of good report...I will remember my silver linings. I will.