back here again...

i dont know if it is a good thing that i am back here typing away....

just two days ago, i felt as if i have placed a 20 storey ladder to the place of destination, and beginning a long climb, rung by rung up very slowly, but at least there is a climb upwards...

then....almost like a snake and ladder game, i have slid again...

partly, the headaches are beginning to be back...it seems it happens everytime i am on this...even studying for tcm exam is easier and far more enjoyable....and with it, other issues that wears one out.

partly, somehow, although i think this time, i did get the 'structure' the way it should be, i still feel inhibited to write. The feeling that i dont know enough...i just dont want to just quote here and there and patch it up like a quilt piece, looking somewhat intelligent, but just a form, with a little substance here and there.

but time is really not on my side.

frankly, i am enlightened by what i read. i now understand many seeming contradictions and complexities and realise that some are really inevitable. i am also kinder to seeming fuddly decisions and weak indicator of direction. In all things, it is really important to look at history. Whilst one is a member of that era, one is often critical of the faults of the existent. When one has the benefit of hindsight, when one can look at it through times, and reflect on the growth and decline, and understand that decline is really necessary for the propulsion of further growth, one is possibly abit more able to reconcile the differences in ideology and practice.

that said, i still need to fulfil the needs of the study in the stipulated form. i need to get my act together and make the readings into a coherent flow. i really need to have a handle to start....all i have at the moment is brownee getting on my lap again.

it is easy to sidetrack at the moment and there has been issues here and there to side track me....i really wish i can spend more time with people....especially when i still feel somehow the indiscernible ebbing....

alot of will power to stay focus is necessary. i really want to finish this. i really have some other things to complete writing as well. but i must prove to myself that i can really complete the writing of this study first. actually when i first embark on this route, i was fully aware of my weaknesses, and knew that it would be a very slippery path, especially with no outward structure, which had been what that had kept me on. But i somehow hope, i will overcome.

i hope i will....i will be back again here....this is the place of my solace, in that here, at least words flow....there is really alot, alot i want to write.....and here is where i feel i am understood, and where i can encourage myself....i cant find anyone that can understand this turmoil, almost anguish....

but i do know, i have many lovely friends that do care for me....had a message from rc, another one who sincerely address me 'dajie'...and making arrangement to meet up to see vl together with dc this weekend. This is another lovely group of people, in a way, we were bound by math, but more....the regular meetings at intervals is always something that i look forward to, the genuineness, the warmth, the ease because of trust and mutual respect.....this year, i really did not take initiatve to keep in touch, so the arrangement is really welcome, and a good detractor from this present non progress...

let the next time when i am back here, be a happier moment marking some trickle, however slow....if thre be a trickle, it would lead to a flow....