in the maze....

writing this with brownee on my lap, she has been more attached to me lately, and is more often with me when i am at this place again, ploughing through the maze....

some days ago, it seemed there is some organisation of sorts that somehow can give me a start, and i did write one paragraph...

i cant proceed.... i just cant do so based on a structured manner of getting it done. I am not a person that is meticulous, and that has both its strength and weakness. Whilst one usually lauds the trait of meticulousness, i have also seen how this asset can be a liability. Now is not the time to elaborate on this. The point is, i am not meticulous, but i am thorough.

There is a big difference. From young, when i can, i will track down something i want to find out through available sources, usually the library. I remember checking out history 'facts' stated in textbooks with encyclopaedia in the National Library when i was a sec 1 or 2 student. I will compare teachers's notes over the years, and ask them why the inconsistency. Remember it was a time where internet totally does not exist, and any 'resources' are only available in newspapers or library. In subsequent years, i lost heart as things got hard at home. And at uni, really, i wasted my time there.

But as far as possible, when i write an essay, i check up my facts. Seriously, plagiarising, copying, asking from friends never even occur to me. That to me, encroaches on independence of thought. I value independence...and for that I paid a very heavy price throughout my life.....

In reading, one considers, analyses and from there, distil essence, and continue the search for greater depth....But i am not sure this trait is now not my stumbling block. I am now depending somewhat on intuition as well. Tried to write, but intuition blocks the way. Taking a different bent may require alot more unearthing, and really time is not on my side. L keep telling me, just write, it will come out alright.

Sigh, i just feel i have walked into another maze having just shut out one route. The next 5 days is critical for me to make significant progress.....i hope this is the maze that will lead me into words....

==================
In other news (borrowing this cliche from an oft seen source) , vl just messaged me that he is now a father of two, 3 hours after the delivery of angeline. i am very glad for him, though i must say, i am a little worried of the things he would need to see to in the days ahead.

vl is not just a friend, not just a ex-colleague. He and sy were the first group of colleagues that i worked closely with, and subsequently the next sem, ld and ckh. And all 4 remained special to me and they kept in touch despite each moving in different directions.

To me, vl is my younger brother. Somewhere in the first year, he started addressing me as 'da jie', not just as a 称呼. He means it and he never veered from it. Thats vl. His words are not many, but he means what he says, and feels. And over the years, this bond is strengthened and even more when angeline came over. That i was glad. So, we became a 'family', with ld.  In a few of my downsittings, though he feels he could not help, he was there as a younger brother would, just standing by. There was a time, when he would walk me out to take a cab every evening when my car was knocked out in an accident, just to give me moral support. i will never forget those times.

vl places his loved ones above himself, his duties above himself, his students above himself. He is too kind to see negatively of anyone, to a fault. He is responsibility personified, a very very lovely person. A true lover of math and knowledge, whose humility is exemplary.

i dont get to see him so often now that i am no longer in school. We meet up a few times a year, and each meet is always warm and lovely, with genuine care and interest in the lives of the other. This is one of those case, like tch, a bond is a bond.

Just a message, but it brings alot of warmth, and alot of thoughts....i hope the family of 4 would be very happy and blessed.