if only words will crystallise...

i should be writing....but not here.

writing is a horribly painful process when words just wont flow....i seriously dont know how i am going to complete the write up for a dissertation that in itself has covered a meaningful and relevant area. I knew it would be an arduous task to take on qualitative research, especially when i am from a pragmatic mathematics background.

but, i didnt want to do something for the sake of just completing a research work. I wanted the work to count toward providing some insight into education. Ideal is always well and good. But how to accomplish it, and do it satisfactorily? i just hate it if i write just to fulfil the minimal requirement, though i am now pressed towards it.

L says this stage is a creative and critical phase. As with all things 'creative', it doesnt just come as and when.... i really want to do justice to those who have participated in this research because really, their teaching experience provides such rich insights. But somehow, i lack the perception, the acumen to bring up the salience with fluency and skill. The words just wont flow, not the way i want it, insightful, that gives meaning....

i hope i wont be staring at blank pages for these 3 months. If these months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds slip away, it would also mean the past two years have come to nought. Dont know how it happen this way, when i completed 8 modules in 3 terms, which is supposed to be a feat, and with a respectable gpa. That procrastination phase has been awful and the lack of motivation and drive just make everything so much more difficult than it appears. when i reach such a point of stagnation, i can think of 3 persons who can understand this frame.

Somehow this is just typical me. Always nearly there but somehow not reaching there. Its really frustrating, but its not because of not reaching the final mark. Its because of the value of this work. I know it has value. And if only i can somehow, somehow agonised it out, then only can it be possible to bring to fruition the small dream in my heart.

there may be many such similar agonising for the next 2-3 months....i just hope by venting, somehow it would somewhat clear the blockages....

actually research is a very lonely path if you are really intent on seeking an answer (and not a show). i suppose this is an indication that even when i finish this, i will not go any further. I would have finished at least 18 months ago, had i chose the easier route of coursework. I am the only one in the last 4 years that embarked on educational research for a masters course. All the lecturers encourage me to, they felt I would make it, and hopefully move on further. Strangely, they all said, it is obvious that i will make it.

it is definitely far from obvious now....

i still say doing exams is easier. and doing assignments is easier also. of course not when there is an avalanche.

on a happier note, i cleared my grade 6 piano exam...though i think that is really the limit of my ability. Chris still says, you never know until you try.... i will continue my musical path, but i think exam techniques may be too much for my aging fingers....my one goalpost is reached, and my childhood dream fulfilled.

and on another positive note, strangely, i am coping rather well with the tcm course. despite a major setback of being ill, that stretch nearly 4 weeks, i am finally leaving the cough behind, and am also doing well in assessments.

but i have to admit, i find it hard to take consolation insofar as i cant get through this writing. Its not the accreditation of getting a masters. what does that mean at all? But its starting a meaningful task and not being able to bring it to birth. Its not in an inchoate form, but it may be stillborn.....and that is very very distressing....

now, i am getting back, and hope, somehow, somehow, will make some small progress, with some small section....sigh...